Stepdaughter wants to move in full time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about you, but if my spouse made me choose between them or my child, my child wins.

I think for girls, a new man in the family is very threatening and scary. Even though she's most comfortable with mom the new dad is cancelling that comfort out. She probably feels safer around her real dad and stepmom is non threatening. I would let her move in but only after getting the real story from mom and both agreeing that this is the situation.

Mom may not know or care. I’m the abused PP above. My mother never believed (or maybe cared) I was being abused, and blamed me in the later years.

Considering how unwelcome OP seems to be likely making SD feel, I’d say things are pretty bad at mom’s house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about you, but if my spouse made me choose between them or my child, my child wins.

I think for girls, a new man in the family is very threatening and scary. Even though she's most comfortable with mom the new dad is cancelling that comfort out. She probably feels safer around her real dad and stepmom is non threatening. I would let her move in but only after getting the real story from mom and both agreeing that this is the situation.

As if the mom is likely to admit anything inappropriate going on, even if it's "just" that the girl feels unwelcome to leave her room.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why everyone is jumping to abuse. If that's really an issue, moving to dad's is not enough because presumably mom would still have visitation.

However, I don't see any particular concern that abuse is an issue. Sounds like the girl just doesn't feel comfortable in the house anymore. I don't think the problems at mom's have to rise to the level of abuse to make the case for her moving.

If the daughter wants it and the dad wants it, it should be tried. OP you had to realize that this was a possibility when you married a guy with kids. Daughter is more entitled to live with her dad than OP is entitled to get a kid-free home after marrying someone with kids. OP, check your selfishness, especially since you said the girl stays in her room most of the time. She doesn't even sound like much bother.

[Anonymous]

Some of these responses are insane. OP, I am a stepmother. When I married my DH 20+ years ago, my step children were 4 and 6. He had every other weekend and six weeks during the summer. Standard back then. We gained physical custody about a year later. No real abuse. Their mother just shouldn't have had children. And she knew it. My two biological kids were living with us full time. And I was pregnant. I went from two children to five children in less than two years. It was crazy. And so hard. But when you marry someone with children, you accept that they may one day live with that parent. There are all kinds of reasons - job loss, relocation, serious illness, death..... When you marry someone with children, you accept everything that comes with that. Your marriage will not survive if you push his child away. I've seen it happen over and over again. There is a reason the divorce rate is so high in second marriages. Maybe you are fine with that. I'm telling you this as a stepmom who has beaten the odds. We will celebrate 25 years of marriage in a few months. My kids and stepkids are grown. I'm on the other side of this journey. It will not end well for you if you don't lovingly accept his child.

[Anonymous]

You need to let her move in. This is a big decision for a kid, one that can be anxiety provoking because of the potential for angering the parent they want to be with less and for being rejected by the parent they want to be with more, so many/most kids won't make a request like this unless they feel like they really need it. Also, be careful about digging into her stated reason and saying no if it turns out she's choosing to stay in her room rather than being forced to. Even if her mother and stepfather aren't forcing her to stay in her room, there may be reasons why she feels safer staying in the room (e.g., even if the stepfather hasn't done anything to her, maybe her intuition is telling her something's not right with him and she needs to keep as far from him as she can).

Her safety needs to be priority number one.

When she’s at our house, she stays in her room on her cell phone. That’s why I feel that she’s being dramatic by saying they’re forcing her to stay in her room.

So why do you think she wants to live with you full time? If it's the same at both houses, why stir this all up and get people mad at her? I assure you, she's aware of your disdain for her (you're not that good an actress if you couldn't even hide it here), and yet she'd rather face that every day than whatever's going on at her mom's house. That should tell you a lot.

Find your moral compass. For real.

Seriously! If she is old enough to be using a cell phone in her room AND she's spending hours in said room AND she is already at your house for 3-4 days/ week AND you are not even the primary parent, why is this even a particularly heavy lift? It's not like she is a two-yr old who need around the clock supervision. Why are *you* being so dramatic about it?

It's almost like your gut is telling you that something *is* off about her new living arrangement but you are too selfish to want to deal with the potential mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why everyone is jumping to abuse. If that's really an issue, moving to dad's is not enough because presumably mom would still have visitation.

However, I don't see any particular concern that abuse is an issue. Sounds like the girl just doesn't feel comfortable in the house anymore. I don't think the problems at mom's have to rise to the level of abuse to make the case for her moving.

If the daughter wants it and the dad wants it, it should be tried. OP you had to realize that this was a possibility when you married a guy with kids. Daughter is more entitled to live with her dad than OP is entitled to get a kid-free home after marrying someone with kids. OP, check your selfishness, especially since you said the girl stays in her room most of the time. She doesn't even sound like much bother.

Do you think it’s normal that a parent would require their child to always be in their room?

There is a difference between feeling forced to go into / stay in your room in the place you feel like “home”, and retreating to your room in a place where you feel uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about you, but if my spouse made me choose between them or my child, my child wins.

I think for girls, a new man in the family is very threatening and scary. Even though she's most comfortable with mom the new dad is cancelling that comfort out. She probably feels safer around her real dad and stepmom is non threatening. I would let her move in but only after getting the real story from mom and both agreeing that this is the situation.

What makes you think mom's reporting of the situation is going to be more trustworthy than the kid's? Mom has a lot more incentive to spin the situation to make herself look good.

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re irritated that your SDs mother is making it about “the man”. The fact that you’re irritated having SD In your life all the time also Indicates it’s about “the man”. You two aren’t all that different.

It would be great if you’re u could make it about “the man” and the daughter that is his family, and begging for a home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these responses are insane. OP, I am a stepmother. When I married my DH 20+ years ago, my step children were 4 and 6. He had every other weekend and six weeks during the summer. Standard back then. We gained physical custody about a year later. No real abuse. Their mother just shouldn't have had children. And she knew it. My two biological kids were living with us full time. And I was pregnant. I went from two children to five children in less than two years. It was crazy. And so hard. But when you marry someone with children, you accept that they may one day live with that parent. There are all kinds of reasons - job loss, relocation, serious illness, death..... When you marry someone with children, you accept everything that comes with that. Your marriage will not survive if you push his child away. I've seen it happen over and over again. There is a reason the divorce rate is so high in second marriages. Maybe you are fine with that. I'm telling you this as a stepmom who has beaten the odds. We will celebrate 25 years of marriage in a few months. My kids and stepkids are grown. I'm on the other side of this journey. It will not end well for you if you don't lovingly accept his child.

Thank you for being a good stepmother! I hope you're reaping the rewards now with happy family holidays and enjoyment of many grandchildren. There is NO way to have a happy blended family if you don't accept all the children.

[Anonymous]

Good God the stepmothers on DCUM are a nasty lot. DCUM is like a lesson in why not to get divorced.

Of course you let the child come live with you. Why is this even a debate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who owns the house? You, DH, or both?

How is this relevant?

[Anonymous]

If she's 12, and asks to move in, I think she's either punishing mom or something is unsafe in that house. I'd let her move in, and I'd get her into therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 40's. I have never forgotten being rejected by my Dad & Step Mom, when I expressed the need to escape from the unhealthy living environment with my mom. One of the alternative options I explored at the time was suicide.

That's a big extreme. Why didn't you use coping skills?
You are being dramatic to make your point to OP. You sound dramatic IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You need to let her move in. This is a big decision for a kid, one that can be anxiety provoking because of the potential for angering the parent they want to be with less and for being rejected by the parent they want to be with more, so many/most kids won't make a request like this unless they feel like they really need it. Also, be careful about digging into her stated reason and saying no if it turns out she's choosing to stay in her room rather than being forced to. Even if her mother and stepfather aren't forcing her to stay in her room, there may be reasons why she feels safer staying in the room (e.g., even if the stepfather hasn't done anything to her, maybe her intuition is telling her something's not right with him and she needs to keep as far from him as she can).

Her safety needs to be priority number one.

When she’s at our house, she stays in her room on her cell phone. That’s why I feel that she’s being dramatic by saying they’re forcing her to stay in her room.

So why do you think she wants to live with you full time? If it's the same at both houses, why stir this all up and get people mad at her? I assure you, she's aware of your disdain for her (you're not that good an actress if you couldn't even hide it here), and yet she'd rather face that every day than whatever's going on at her mom's house. That should tell you a lot.

Find your moral compass. For real.

Seriously! If she is old enough to be using a cell phone in her room AND she's spending hours in said room AND she is already at your house for 3-4 days/ week AND you are not even the primary parent, why is this even a particularly heavy lift? It's not like she is a two-yr old who need around the clock supervision. Why are *you* being so dramatic about it?

It's almost like your gut is telling you that something *is* off about her new living arrangement but you are too selfish to want to deal with the potential mess.

I would hate to have a 12yo live with me. Not contributing in any way or form.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has joint custody with his ex wife where one week he has her for three days, the next week four days. This arrangement works for us. My stepdaughter asked if she can move in with us full time. Her mom remarried last year and she and her new husband recently bought a house. SD says when she's home they make her stay in her room. She's only allowed to come out to eat, use the bathroom, shower, or go to school. Even if she invites her friends over, she has to stay in her room. She said her mom ignores her for the most part and only cares about the husband. I feel bad for her, but I can't help but think some of this is my SD being a little dramatic since her mom's attention isn't 100% on her anymore. Plus to be honest, I love the arrangement that's in place now and I don't want to change it. DH is all for her moving in so I'm torn.

I have the right answer but you will not like it. You don't get to make that call. SD wants to move in with her DAD; your presence in the house is only coincidental in her eyes. So, your DH gets to decide whether his daughter can come and stay. This is between dad and daughter, not daughter and you. The choice YOU get to make is whether to stay with dad and daughter. Sorry that's the truth.