Stepdaughter wants to move in full time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, her issue is she’s upset that her mom is pregnant and she thinks her mom will forget all about her when the baby is born. My husband told her she’s overreacting and that they’ll continue with the current arrangement for now and will revisit the issue when the baby gets here.

Her parents turned her life as she knew it upside-down and are being the opposite of responsive. Nor is her stepmom open, loving and welcoming.

I feel terrible for your stepdaughter. Shame on you all.

I agree.

This adult behavior is shameful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. What the hell are you expecting? The OP doesn't sound abusive but she shouldn't serve as her stepdaughter's maternal figure. The whole "open, loving and welcoming" expectation is only because OP is a woman. It's kind of how my DH's stepson comes to our house and expects me to help him out with his kid only because of my gender but I'm childfree for a reason. She's her husband's wife and this girl already has a mother.

Did you tell your now-husband all this before you were engaged?

My stepson is in his 30s so he needs to get his s^*&( together. We host him and his kid, he eats our food and he shouldn't expect anymore from us after wasting his dad's $$$ on college he never completed and county jail when he was busted for multiple DWIs. Thank goodness he didn't kill or maim anyone with his sobriety issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All four people need to meet and discuss this together. Why are people shitting on the OP when it's the new stepdad who is also the problem?

Because OPs daughter is not asking to live with stepdad. She is asking to live with her real dad and his wife.

Yes, but the OP's daughter can't just willy nilly choose a parent without a valid reason.

Sure she can.

They are her parents.

Their only response should be "Yes, of course. We would love to have you."

This is why we have an issue with entitled children with no coping skills to manage any type of discomfort. If the child is being abused, then she should be removed from her mother's home. However, there does not appear to be any direct evidence of that according to OP. Many of you act as though you have never interacted with teenagers before. The parents all need to sit down and talk, find a good therapist, and work it out. Why would you want to teach your children that they never have to deal with any type of adversity or conflict? You are setting them up to be incapable adults.

Because a child of divorce should not be made to feel like an unwelcomed burden in both of her parents' homes, just because the step parent doesn't want them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. What the hell are you expecting? The OP doesn't sound abusive but she shouldn't serve as her stepdaughter's maternal figure. The whole "open, loving and welcoming" expectation is only because OP is a woman. It's kind of how my DH's stepson comes to our house and expects me to help him out with his kid only because of my gender but I'm childfree for a reason. She's her husband's wife and this girl already has a mother.

You should never have married a man with a child.

Child free by choice should leave kids fathers alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. What the hell are you expecting? The OP doesn't sound abusive but she shouldn't serve as her stepdaughter's maternal figure. The whole "open, loving and welcoming" expectation is only because OP is a woman. It's kind of how my DH's stepson comes to our house and expects me to help him out with his kid only because of my gender but I'm childfree for a reason. She's her husband's wife and this girl already has a mother.

Did you tell your now-husband all this before you were engaged?

My stepson is in his 30s so he needs to get his s^*&( together. We host him and his kid, he eats our food and he shouldn't expect anymore from us after wasting his dad's $$$ on college he never completed and county jail when he was busted for multiple DWIs. Thank goodness he didn't kill or maim anyone with his sobriety issue.

He is a product of his father's parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. What the hell are you expecting? The OP doesn't sound abusive but she shouldn't serve as her stepdaughter's maternal figure. The whole "open, loving and welcoming" expectation is only because OP is a woman. It's kind of how my DH's stepson comes to our house and expects me to help him out with his kid only because of my gender but I'm childfree for a reason. She's her husband's wife and this girl already has a mother.

You should never have married a man with a child.

Child free by choice should leave kids fathers alone.

Did you read that my DH's son is in his 30s??? When does the enabling stop??? DCUM is really full of enablers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. What the hell are you expecting? The OP doesn't sound abusive but she shouldn't serve as her stepdaughter's maternal figure. The whole "open, loving and welcoming" expectation is only because OP is a woman. It's kind of how my DH's stepson comes to our house and expects me to help him out with his kid only because of my gender but I'm childfree for a reason. She's her husband's wife and this girl already has a mother.

Did you tell your now-husband all this before you were engaged?

My stepson is in his 30s so he needs to get his s^*&( together. We host him and his kid, he eats our food and he shouldn't expect anymore from us after wasting his dad's $$$ on college he never completed and county jail when he was busted for multiple DWIs. Thank goodness he didn't kill or maim anyone with his sobriety issue.

He is a product of his father's parenting.

In his 30s? People need to take responsibility for themselves past a certain age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, her issue is she’s upset that her mom is pregnant and she thinks her mom will forget all about her when the baby is born. My husband told her she’s overreacting and that they’ll continue with the current arrangement for now and will revisit the issue when the baby gets here.

Thanks OP. She is overreacting and it will likely be another reason or reasons after the baby is born. Also, the current arrangement is just fine so really no reason to change it. She'll still need to have a relationship with her step dad, and new sibling. If anything she needs to address all that to her mom and step-dad. Glad your husband doesn't want to undermine his ex and the dh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP save yourself the future headache and just say no now. Trust me.

Also - don’t come to dcum for advice on step parenting and expect to hear anything other than you’re a witch

+1

They already have joint custody, no need to open that can of works. Plus looks like her husband is equally happy with the arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is a parent, first and foremost.

His ultimate responsibility is to his child, until she is 18 (or perhaps through college)

Daughter should be welcomed into her dad's home.

Do the right thing OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. What the hell are you expecting? The OP doesn't sound abusive but she shouldn't serve as her stepdaughter's maternal figure. The whole "open, loving and welcoming" expectation is only because OP is a woman. It's kind of how my DH's stepson comes to our house and expects me to help him out with his kid only because of my gender but I'm childfree for a reason. She's her husband's wife and this girl already has a mother.

Did you tell your now-husband all this before you were engaged?

My stepson is in his 30s so he needs to get his s^*&( together. We host him and his kid, he eats our food and he shouldn't expect anymore from us after wasting his dad's $$$ on college he never completed and county jail when he was busted for multiple DWIs. Thank goodness he didn't kill or maim anyone with his sobriety issue.

He is a product of his father's parenting.

True. So it makes even more sense that she didn’t have kids with him.

Some people are horrible parents but they can still be good partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a parent, first and foremost.

His ultimate responsibility is to his child, until she is 18 (or perhaps through college)

Daughter should be welcomed into her dad's home.

Do the right thing OP

Equally responsible are the married couple to each other. And it's both their home.

Daughter is welcome in their home, it's pretty much a 50/50 as it is.

OP has already stated nothing is going to change.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are two separate (but related) issues.

The first is figuring out what is going on with your stepdaughter and finding a way to help her and getting all the parents on board. It could be the new baby, it could be many other things, both nefarious or not. But asking to move in is a symptom of something that needs to be addressed. Having an open, warm attitude and giving everyone a chance to talk is key. If you're not capable, then family therapy (perhaps with the bio parents and their daughter) might be good. But I would say, a priori, if mom agrees, then she should be allowed to move in and not resented for it. You can try it for a year--it may be a good thing when a new baby comes in and creates a lot of drama and chaos. Also, around this time or a bit older, kids really need to have one home base. 50/50 during the week is tough. Would you want to move back and forth every few days? Given all the changes in her moms, the best thing for her may be to make your place her home. she can still have a lot of visits and overnights if she wants. But also, yeah, you have to get to the bottom of whether there is something worse going on there--my point though is that either way, she should be able to live with you guys (assuming no horrible custody battle ensues).

The other issue is that you don't seem to realize that marrying a man with a kid means that things are going to change, nothing is set in stone and you can't predict. You do not have to be the girls parent, but you do have to realize that she is a member of YOUR family and you have a responsibility to her and your husband. Just because custody works out great now doesn't mean it always will, Kids change, families change, etc. I mean, what if the bio mom died? etc.

I have a stepchild and we have done the 50/50, he has lived f/t at his moms, and now he is (as a young adult) with us full time. I didn't anticipate him moving out, at one point, or him moving back in with us, but I recognize that it is the best thing for him right now. I also have bio kids and know how I would want them to be treated by a step--as full members of the family, not as leftovers. I also get that it can be hard--particularly if your stepchild is angry, antisocial, or has significant emotional issues and you came into their lives when they were older. My advice is this: its okay to sometimes feel annoyed, or wish you had a different situation. But acknowledge that feeling and then let it pass and realize that part of your role in being a good spouse and partner and human being is to be welcoming, kind and as non judgmental as possible (I struggle with this at time). Especially because these kids are vulnerable--they did not ask for their parents to split, or have new people come into their family or have new siblings. They are given no choice, but expected to suck it up and deal. They are told they are important but they need to feel important and that they come first in their parents lives. From what you posted, it seems like this girl feels like she comes in last everywhere. and even if there is no abuse but she's anxious about a new baby and being shunted aside, that is a very good reason to give her a home in your home. You don't know how long it will last, but you really have to do it. Remember, she won't be in your home forever, but she will be part of your life for a very long time--the way you treat her now will be critical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a parent, first and foremost.

His ultimate responsibility is to his child, until she is 18 (or perhaps through college)

Daughter should be welcomed into her dad's home.

Do the right thing OP

Equally responsible are the married couple to each other. And it's both their home.

Daughter is welcome in their home, it's pretty much a 50/50 as it is.

OP has already stated nothing is going to change.

The father has caved to OP for now but for how long? His daughter will continue to ask him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are two separate (but related) issues.

The first is figuring out what is going on with your stepdaughter and finding a way to help her and getting all the parents on board. It could be the new baby, it could be many other things, both nefarious or not. But asking to move in is a symptom of something that needs to be addressed. Having an open, warm attitude and giving everyone a chance to talk is key. If you're not capable, then family therapy (perhaps with the bio parents and their daughter) might be good. But I would say, a priori, if mom agrees, then she should be allowed to move in and not resented for it. You can try it for a year--it may be a good thing when a new baby comes in and creates a lot of drama and chaos. Also, around this time or a bit older, kids really need to have one home base. 50/50 during the week is tough. Would you want to move back and forth every few days? Given all the changes in her moms, the best thing for her may be to make your place her home. she can still have a lot of visits and overnights if she wants. But also, yeah, you have to get to the bottom of whether there is something worse going on there--my point though is that either way, she should be able to live with you guys (assuming no horrible custody battle ensues).

The other issue is that you don't seem to realize that marrying a man with a kid means that things are going to change, nothing is set in stone and you can't predict. You do not have to be the girls parent, but you do have to realize that she is a member of YOUR family and you have a responsibility to her and your husband. Just because custody works out great now doesn't mean it always will, Kids change, families change, etc. I mean, what if the bio mom died? etc.

I have a stepchild and we have done the 50/50, he has lived f/t at his moms, and now he is (as a young adult) with us full time. I didn't anticipate him moving out, at one point, or him moving back in with us, but I recognize that it is the best thing for him right now. I also have bio kids and know how I would want them to be treated by a step--as full members of the family, not as leftovers. I also get that it can be hard--particularly if your stepchild is angry, antisocial, or has significant emotional issues and you came into their lives when they were older. My advice is this: its okay to sometimes feel annoyed, or wish you had a different situation. But acknowledge that feeling and then let it pass and realize that part of your role in being a good spouse and partner and human being is to be welcoming, kind and as non judgmental as possible (I struggle with this at time). Especially because these kids are vulnerable--they did not ask for their parents to split, or have new people come into their family or have new siblings. They are given no choice, but expected to suck it up and deal. They are told they are important but they need to feel important and that they come first in their parents lives. From what you posted, it seems like this girl feels like she comes in last everywhere. and even if there is no abuse but she's anxious about a new baby and being shunted aside, that is a very good reason to give her a home in your home. You don't know how long it will last, but you really have to do it. Remember, she won't be in your home forever, but she will be part of your life for a very long time--the way you treat her now will be critical.

You win Mother Theresa.