Stepdaughter wants to move in full time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. What the hell are you expecting? The OP doesn't sound abusive but she shouldn't serve as her stepdaughter's maternal figure. The whole "open, loving and welcoming" expectation is only because OP is a woman. It's kind of how my DH's stepson comes to our house and expects me to help him out with his kid only because of my gender but I'm childfree for a reason. She's her husband's wife and this girl already has a mother.

Did you tell your now-husband all this before you were engaged?

My stepson is in his 30s so he needs to get his s^*&( together. We host him and his kid, he eats our food and he shouldn't expect anymore from us after wasting his dad's $$$ on college he never completed and county jail when he was busted for multiple DWIs. Thank goodness he didn't kill or maim anyone with his sobriety issue.

He is a product of his father's parenting.

True. So it makes even more sense that she didn’t have kids with him.

Some people are horrible parents but they can still be good partners.

He blames his enabling ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP save yourself the future headache and just say no now. Trust me.

Also - don’t come to dcum for advice on step parenting and expect to hear anything other than you’re a witch

+1

They already have joint custody, no need to open that can of works. Plus looks like her husband is equally happy with the arrangement.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are two separate (but related) issues.

The first is figuring out what is going on with your stepdaughter and finding a way to help her and getting all the parents on board. It could be the new baby, it could be many other things, both nefarious or not. But asking to move in is a symptom of something that needs to be addressed. Having an open, warm attitude and giving everyone a chance to talk is key. If you're not capable, then family therapy (perhaps with the bio parents and their daughter) might be good. But I would say, a priori, if mom agrees, then she should be allowed to move in and not resented for it. You can try it for a year--it may be a good thing when a new baby comes in and creates a lot of drama and chaos. Also, around this time or a bit older, kids really need to have one home base. 50/50 during the week is tough. Would you want to move back and forth every few days? Given all the changes in her moms, the best thing for her may be to make your place her home. she can still have a lot of visits and overnights if she wants. But also, yeah, you have to get to the bottom of whether there is something worse going on there--my point though is that either way, she should be able to live with you guys (assuming no horrible custody battle ensues).

The other issue is that you don't seem to realize that marrying a man with a kid means that things are going to change, nothing is set in stone and you can't predict. You do not have to be the girls parent, but you do have to realize that she is a member of YOUR family and you have a responsibility to her and your husband. Just because custody works out great now doesn't mean it always will, Kids change, families change, etc. I mean, what if the bio mom died? etc.

I have a stepchild and we have done the 50/50, he has lived f/t at his moms, and now he is (as a young adult) with us full time. I didn't anticipate him moving out, at one point, or him moving back in with us, but I recognize that it is the best thing for him right now. I also have bio kids and know how I would want them to be treated by a step--as full members of the family, not as leftovers. I also get that it can be hard--particularly if your stepchild is angry, antisocial, or has significant emotional issues and you came into their lives when they were older. My advice is this: its okay to sometimes feel annoyed, or wish you had a different situation. But acknowledge that feeling and then let it pass and realize that part of your role in being a good spouse and partner and human being is to be welcoming, kind and as non judgmental as possible (I struggle with this at time). Especially because these kids are vulnerable--they did not ask for their parents to split, or have new people come into their family or have new siblings. They are given no choice, but expected to suck it up and deal. They are told they are important but they need to feel important and that they come first in their parents lives. From what you posted, it seems like this girl feels like she comes in last everywhere. and even if there is no abuse but she's anxious about a new baby and being shunted aside, that is a very good reason to give her a home in your home. You don't know how long it will last, but you really have to do it. Remember, she won't be in your home forever, but she will be part of your life for a very long time--the way you treat her now will be critical.

You win Mother Theresa.

Really? You need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Family is family, let her move in. ( who owns house is irrelevant, if family issue becomes dependant upon that I would reconsider spousal relationship.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are two separate (but related) issues.

The first is figuring out what is going on with your stepdaughter and finding a way to help her and getting all the parents on board. It could be the new baby, it could be many other things, both nefarious or not. But asking to move in is a symptom of something that needs to be addressed. Having an open, warm attitude and giving everyone a chance to talk is key. If you're not capable, then family therapy (perhaps with the bio parents and their daughter) might be good. But I would say, a priori, if mom agrees, then she should be allowed to move in and not resented for it. You can try it for a year--it may be a good thing when a new baby comes in and creates a lot of drama and chaos. Also, around this time or a bit older, kids really need to have one home base. 50/50 during the week is tough. Would you want to move back and forth every few days? Given all the changes in her moms, the best thing for her may be to make your place her home. she can still have a lot of visits and overnights if she wants. But also, yeah, you have to get to the bottom of whether there is something worse going on there--my point though is that either way, she should be able to live with you guys (assuming no horrible custody battle ensues).

The other issue is that you don't seem to realize that marrying a man with a kid means that things are going to change, nothing is set in stone and you can't predict. You do not have to be the girls parent, but you do have to realize that she is a member of YOUR family and you have a responsibility to her and your husband. Just because custody works out great now doesn't mean it always will, Kids change, families change, etc. I mean, what if the bio mom died? etc.

I have a stepchild and we have done the 50/50, he has lived f/t at his moms, and now he is (as a young adult) with us full time. I didn't anticipate him moving out, at one point, or him moving back in with us, but I recognize that it is the best thing for him right now. I also have bio kids and know how I would want them to be treated by a step--as full members of the family, not as leftovers. I also get that it can be hard--particularly if your stepchild is angry, antisocial, or has significant emotional issues and you came into their lives when they were older. My advice is this: its okay to sometimes feel annoyed, or wish you had a different situation. But acknowledge that feeling and then let it pass and realize that part of your role in being a good spouse and partner and human being is to be welcoming, kind and as non judgmental as possible (I struggle with this at time). Especially because these kids are vulnerable--they did not ask for their parents to split, or have new people come into their family or have new siblings. They are given no choice, but expected to suck it up and deal. They are told they are important but they need to feel important and that they come first in their parents lives. From what you posted, it seems like this girl feels like she comes in last everywhere. and even if there is no abuse but she's anxious about a new baby and being shunted aside, that is a very good reason to give her a home in your home. You don't know how long it will last, but you really have to do it. Remember, she won't be in your home forever, but she will be part of your life for a very long time--the way you treat her now will be critical.

Great response!
I wholeheartedly agree. (I'm a stepmom of a teen who currently lives with their mother)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, her issue is she’s upset that her mom is pregnant and she thinks her mom will forget all about her when the baby is born. My husband told her she’s overreacting and that they’ll continue with the current arrangement for now and will revisit the issue when the baby gets here.

Well, that gives you a few months to come up with a strategy to keep her there. Unless she starts failing in school, self- injures, or runs away...

[Anonymous]

So many crappy people

It sucks to be the child of divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That poor girl... She must feel unwanted in BOTH households.

The world doesn't revolve around someone just because they're a kid. They can't say 'Jump' and expect to be catered to. That is how the world works. The OP is not being mean or spiteful. That is her house, in her name and she gets to veto. It's not as if the girl isn't allowed at all in their house. She's already there for half the week.

Sounds like she lives there 1/2 the time, really no problem. She can't ditch her mom, step-dad and new baby because she doesn't like mom's choices. Not how you effectively parent.

[Anonymous]

Only in America...

Who thinks twice about letting their own child come live with them? She did not even need to give a reason. Wanting to stay with her dad is a good enough reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That poor girl... She must feel unwanted in BOTH households.

The world doesn't revolve around someone just because they're a kid. They can't say 'Jump' and expect to be catered to. That is how the world works. The OP is not being mean or spiteful. That is her house, in her name and she gets to veto. It's not as if the girl isn't allowed at all in their house. She's already there for half the week.

Sounds like she lives there 1/2 the time, really no problem. She can't ditch her mom, step-dad and new baby because she doesn't like mom's choices. Not how you effectively parent.

Please.

They can accept her requests to live with them on condition that they set up a schedule for her to visit her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many crappy people

It sucks to be the child of divorce

Seriously. People are awful.

[Anonymous]

i dont understand this

the parents share custody

isnt there a custody agreement? could the dad really decide to just let the daughter live at his place all the time? isn't it healthy for the girl to see her mom and possibly develop a relationship with her new sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i dont understand this

the parents share custody

isnt there a custody agreement? could the dad really decide to just let the daughter live at his place all the time? isn't it healthy for the girl to see her mom and possibly develop a relationship with her new sibling?

The dad could discuss it with the mom, and if the mom agrees to change the custody agreement, why not?

It's not easy being a child of divorce, and 50/50 custody sucks, expecially with a new half-sibling who will be full time kid at one of the houses. I see how that would be a huge concern for the girl.

She is the only one without a full-time home in the family. Everybody else gets one. Why can't she decide that it works better for her to be full time somewhere and do some weekends or visits elsewhere. I too would choose the house without step siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i dont understand this

the parents share custody

isnt there a custody agreement? could the dad really decide to just let the daughter live at his place all the time? isn't it healthy for the girl to see her mom and possibly develop a relationship with her new sibling?

The dad could discuss it with the mom, and if the mom agrees to change the custody agreement, why not?

It's not easy being a child of divorce, and 50/50 custody sucks, expecially with a new half-sibling who will be full time kid at one of the houses. I see how that would be a huge concern for the girl.

She is the only one without a full-time home in the family. Everybody else gets one. [b]Why can't she decide that it works better for her to be full time somewhere and do some weekends or visits elsewhere. I too would choose the house without step siblings.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many crappy people

It sucks to be the child of divorce

Seriously. People are awful.

The worst are the ones who pretend that whatever arrangement they prefer is actually healthier for the kid.