Stepdaughter wants to move in full time

[Anonymous]

All of you PPs are dramatic. OP married with the knowledge that her DH and her would only have the DD some of the time. It's called joint custody. The DD moving in full time is not an option unless she is being abused. Which she isn't. They should speak to the mom about her treatment of the daughter. This isn't OP's problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who owns the house? You, DH, or both?

Both.

Okay. You have a difficult decision then- make new husband/ step daughter happy, or make yourself happy.

[Anonymous]

How old is this girl OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your stepdaughter is being abused and you don’t want to protect her from that abuse? Wow.

Not only that, stepdads are high on the list of potential abusers of daughters. If she is not comfortable living with him, give her a safe place to go.

+1

OP, this is a package deal, and on some level you knew that when you married a man with a child.

Why are you even questioning this?

+2. If she’s the least bit uncomfortable with mom’s new husband, she should live where she feels safe and wanted. You might need to move out OP, so your DH can give his DD that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your stepdaughter is being abused and you don’t want to protect her from that abuse? Wow.

Not only that, stepdads are high on the list of potential abusers of daughters. If she is not comfortable living with him, give her a safe place to go.

+1

OP, this is a package deal, and on some level you knew that when you married a man with a child.

Why are you even questioning this?

+2. If she’s the least bit uncomfortable with mom’s new husband, she should live where she feels safe and wanted. You might need to move out OP, so your DH can give his DD that.

This is so stupid. Why should the OP move out when the house is also under her name????? There is nothing to suggest that the girl is being abused or in danger.

[Anonymous]

Say yes. If it’s not actually abusive she will change her mind after she cools off and want to resume split schedule. If it’s really as bad as she says, she won’t. But either way you get to be the hero here.

As for those saying it’s not abusive, did you even read the OP?

[Anonymous]

Your DH knows his ex wife. Does he think she’s capable of what his DD describes, or is he just willing to accommodate her whatever the situation?

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to talk to Mom about what is going on and if she'd be willing to have SD stay with you. Mom needs to consent to this. Otherwise its a non-discussion in less he is willing to go to court, which could be costly. She probably does not feel comfortable with stepdad and that's ok. The question should also be what can you and Dad do to help with those relationships.

[Anonymous]

OP save yourself the future headache and just say no now. Trust me.

Also - don’t come to dcum for advice on step parenting and expect to hear anything other than you’re a witch

[Anonymous]

That poor girl... She must feel unwanted in BOTH households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That poor girl... She must feel unwanted in BOTH households.

The world doesn't revolve around someone just because they're a kid. They can't say 'Jump' and expect to be catered to. That is how the world works. The OP is not being mean or spiteful. That is her house, in her name and she gets to veto. It's not as if the girl isn't allowed at all in their house. She's already there for half the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has joint custody with his ex wife where one week he has her for three days, the next week four days. This arrangement works for us. My stepdaughter asked if she can move in with us full time. Her mom remarried last year and she and her new husband recently bought a house. SD says when she's home they make her stay in her room. She's only allowed to come out to eat, use the bathroom, shower, or go to school. Even if she invites her friends over, she has to stay in her room. She said her mom ignores her for the most part and only cares about the husband. I feel bad for her, but I can't help but think some of this is my SD being a little dramatic since her mom's attention isn't 100% on her anymore. [/quote

You hope she's being dramatic because you don't want ST to move in, as you admit below.

Anonymous wrote:Plus to be honest, I love the arrangement that's in place now and I don't want to change it. DH is all for her moving in so I'm torn.

I've seen situations like thi. Inevitably, step-mom worked hard to convince her then-bf that she adored the step-child. After she closes the deal, things change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has joint custody with his ex wife where one week he has her for three days, the next week four days. This arrangement works for us. My stepdaughter asked if she can move in with us full time. Her mom remarried last year and she and her new husband recently bought a house. SD says when she's home they make her stay in her room. She's only allowed to come out to eat, use the bathroom, shower, or go to school. Even if she invites her friends over, she has to stay in her room. She said her mom ignores her for the most part and only cares about the husband. I feel bad for her, but I can't help but think some of this is my SD being a little dramatic since her mom's attention isn't 100% on her anymore. [/quote

You hope she's being dramatic because you don't want ST to move in, as you admit below.

Anonymous wrote:Plus to be honest, I love the arrangement that's in place now and I don't want to change it. DH is all for her moving in so I'm torn.

I've seen situations like thi. Inevitably, step-mom worked hard to convince her then-bf that she adored the step-child. After she closes the deal, things change.

That's just nuts. OP didn't say she doesn't like the SD. She's entitled to her childfree home for the time that SD isn't supposed to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you PPs are dramatic. OP married with the knowledge that her DH and her would only have the DD some of the time. It's called joint custody. The DD moving in full time is not an option unless she is being abused. Which she isn't. They should speak to the mom about her treatment of the daughter. This isn't OP's problem.

But even with joint custody, things can change. You are still 100% a parent even if you have custody 50% of the time. Should your child have a major issue where a change in custody arrangements makes sense or something happens with the ex, you have to be prepared that you could end up with more custody.

I think if the DH isn’t spoiling his dd now, if she is being overly dramatic, things will calm down and she will want to go back to mom for more time. If he is spoiling her and you fundamentally don’t ageee with how he parents, that is actually the bigger issue. I tried to think of legitmate reasons my pre-teen kids get restrictions in place in the house and typically it has to do with not being responsible/consequence. Like if they eat food in the living room and leave out cups and plate they lose the privilege to eat there rather than the kitchen. If they’ve lied about completing homework and failed the quiz, they may need to spend the weekend doing the homework/reading that was skipped and I quiz them so getting the bad grade didn’t get them out of the initial work plus they have to bring up their grade. If there are the same level of expectations in both households, then I would lean towards either dd needs time to adjust or there really is an issue because otherwise what is she gaining by going to dad full time when he is also remarried?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? I can't imagine turning down that request.

This.

I’m a step mother. Yes, it’s hard. But these are kids who need safety, stability, and nurturing. Please take her in.