Dad told us tween was rude and doesn't want anymore visits- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are Indian and they would agree with your dad OP. I suspect that your dad thinks that your marriage to a white guy may have resulted in somewhat lax parenting. Your husband sounds culturally ignorant.

I don't think her husband sounds culturally ignorant, but just "parenting ignorant" and kinda rude overall. The kid is picking up on it.

The dad is obviously undermining mom, and that is just bad behavior full stop. Regardless of the grandparent's race.

[Anonymous]

I would have your son write a thank you note today and mail it to your dad and his wife. However, I don't think I'd care for my son spending time at their house in the future. Your dad is willing to give up his relationship with your son over something rude, but not catastrophic. That sounds like a very rigid environment.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure it wasn’t intentional and your dad’s reaction may be a bit out of line (hard to say without witnessing their interactions) but I agree that it’s rude to not thank your hosts. And this is his family so I would expect him to show some extra warmth towards them. I’ve taught my 10 year old to always say thank you. We started this with play dates and parties in preschool. When he was young I would prompt him but by early ES he remembered. We later extended this to his coaches. That was intimidating at first but it’s a habit now. He knows that he isn’t to leave the field without making eye contact and saying “Thank you, Coach”. He frequently spends time with his grandpa or aunt and uncle and knows to say thank you and he often chooses to give a big hug. I would be fine without the hug but he has chosen to add it and it communicates heartfelt appreciation.

Obviously there are kids who would find this difficult for various reasons. I have one of those too! She struggled to make conversation or even greet or say goodbye to adults when she was in ES. She even struggled with peers. I sensed this was due to anxiety and took her for therapy. It took a lot of hard work and reinforcement but she is now comfortable doing this as a teen. Sadly, I think there were many adults who didn’t understand the challenge and probably thought she was rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have your son write a thank you note today and mail it to your dad and his wife. However, I don't think I'd care for my son spending time at their house in the future. Your dad is willing to give up his relationship with your son over something rude, but not catastrophic. That sounds like a very rigid environment.

+1
This is what I think too.
It's certainly fine to correct him, that's how he'll learn. It's an over the top reaction by an adult to a normal misstep by a child and that would give me pause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids weren't rude or self-absorbed in the past. What's changed is permissive parenting.

yes, they were. They just got smacked around a lot for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad says that while my son was polite overall, he was also very sullen and wouldn't give more than monosyllabic answers. He is like that at home but my dad doesn't get that because he grew up in a different culture where children were more obedient. My husband tells me I'm more like my dad and I probably secretly admire Amy Chua. That's not entirely untrue and that is why I'm disappointed

Wow! There is so much Dr. Phil could do with that.

Fix yourself.

Leave your kid alone.

It's rude for children to just answer in monosyllables. I am in Camp Grandpa!

Really? You would refuse to ever see your grandchild again over this? No one disagrees that hte kid should be reminded of his manners; but who can support ending a relationship over it?

[Anonymous]

Oh! This happened to me!
My step monster is a cold fish. I stayed at "her house" with my young children and visited with her and my father.
My children were very young, my father is super ttpe A and between getting anxious about his behavior and teying to wrangle the kids into their car seats, and deal with their cranky bickering, i drove off without saying good bye to her.
A few days later i recieved a nasty gram from her telling me how rude i am and how my "last minute visit" was a great source of stress ro my father in his feail condition (this was maybe 10 years ago and he is fine).
Now a few things:
Yes, it was rude.
So was her staying in her bedroom as she knew we were leaving and not coming out to say goodbye, herself.
This happened the year my mother died and was shortly before Christmas. I recieved the nastygram on Christmas eve when i was especially missing my mom.
Stepmonster has done rhis sort of thing in the past, including leaving my sons birthday party to go shopping without so much as a todaloo.

A nice person would have called son and said, "im sorry i missed you as you were leaving. I felt hurt that you did not say goodbye. Is everything ok?"

Stepmother does not sound like a nice person and was probably waiting for something like this to happen so she could hold it over grandfather's head and demand no more visits.

Grandfather is an ass to cut off a precious grandchild over a missed goodbye.

I would distance myself from both of them. They sound toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids weren't rude or self-absorbed in the past. What's changed is permissive parenting.

I'm sorry. We were plenty rude.

Yep. Expectations of kids are different now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your dad doesn't understand that sometimes kids are rude and self-absorbed, he may not be an appropriate person to take care of your kids anyway. You should have your son apologize and perhaps write a note thanking them for letting him stay (I think this is pretty over the top for grandparents, but they don't sound that close, more like family friends (and i'm wondering if the step-grandma is in her 40's and feeding him nasty food she thinks he should appreciate even if he doesn't like it) and then you should let it go. If your dad childishly and rigidly does not want any more visits, well, then, that's on him.

My 15 yr old was taught in 1st grade when she started going to friends houses without me, to say "Thank you for having me" when leaving and "Can I help?" when dinner is being cooked. I drummed into her to always say goodbye and thank you to the parents hosting her. And I told her "If you do this and don't break or stain anything, you will be welcomed back." She had it down by age 7.

Mine have it down too, at 10 and 7. But you know what? They're kids! Sometimes they screw up! What's the proper response to that? An apology and a sincere attempt to do better next time. Grandpa sucks in this scenario. The kid should apologize and then Grandpa should let. it. go.

Yes. Remind the kid and then let it go. Grandpas behavior sucks more than the kids.

[Anonymous]

Does your son want to continue visiting? If he doesn’t, I honestly wouldn’t push it at this point. They don’t sound like they deal well with kids. Grandpa could’ve reminded the child at the time to say good bye and not made it into a big deal. As it is, your child will probably feel self conscious about his behavior now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad sounds like a major drama queen. I wouldn't want that in my life.

I'm leaning this way too.

Ok, the kid wasn't the most pleasant. Does that really warrant not wanting him to visit anymore?

I don't think I would send him back anyway. Likely nothing he does will measure up. My MIL is like that. (With everyone. Someone pissed her off 20 years ago... we still hear about it.)

Tell your ds to apologize. Work on his manners. If your dad still doesn't want to visit that's on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.

DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

Is this visit the first time your DS has spent time with your dad's wife? How well do they know one another?
Sounds like maybe DS wasn't prepared for the expectations of his grandfather and step-grandmother. Also sounds like maybe they are forging a new relationship and that can be difficult when the child is there alone w/o parents to help. I would likely have DS write a thank you note to both your dad and his wife thanking them for having him, and maybe suggesting something he'd like to do with them in the future. Move forward and don't dwell on the past. While you can apologize, I don't know that I'd force your son to, not sure it would help move the relationship forward. I'd also try to spend time with your son and your dad together to help build the relationship.

Yes, my son has known her for about eight years. I personally like her too - I'm quite happy she and my dad met because she makes him happy. When we visited in the past, I would be there to remind DS to say goodbye to everyone and he was compliant. Now that he's growing older, he's much less compliant. Given that I wasn't there, he couldn't care less. This was his first time going on his own though I don't think that is an excuse. I spoke to my dad again and he's explain that hosting DS got a bit too much. DS would sleep late and wake up past noon time and play games on his phone even though they were trying to engage him in a conversation. I was cringing on the phone while he was telling me all this.

[Anonymous]

Your DS was wrong for not thanking step-grandma. But he’s an 11 year old boy, and still evolving. You should be able to tell him SGM put effort into his visit, point out that his behavior was hurtful, have him call and say that he realizes he forgot to thank her, and that was a mistake, and that he appreciates X and Y that she did for him. Problem solved. Lesson learned for your kid.

Your dad, on the other hand, is a grown ass adult who could have spoken up at the time and reminded your kid he had not thanked SGM. At which point your child probably would have realized his mistake, and given a heartfelt thank you.

Sometimes 11 year old year old boys are clueless. It’s not an excuse for bad behavior, but it does mean you might need to prompt them.

It bothers me a lot more that your father wants to your kid out of his life. It’s manipulative and a serious over reaction if this really is about one instance of a tween forgetting his manners. Family doesn’t cut off family for forgetting a thank you— especially when the person forgetting is a kid.

If I were you, I would be a lot more upset with my dad for being okay with blowing up his relationship with my kid over what was likely a mistake.

I’d also remember and remind your dad that sooner than you realize, summer visits will stop unless the kids really want to maintain them. By late Mms, and definately HS, kids have a lot of competing demands on their time. And once you have a HS student, they end up having a lot of say in what their relationship with grandparents looks like. Your dad can pitch a temper tantrum now. But he shouldn’tbe surprised that if he proves a point by not inviting your kid next summer, you kid chooses to spend the one week the get in high school between working and interning and summer school and summer sports or band practice starting 8/1 to go see the grandma who loves and accepts them even when they make mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.

DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

Is this visit the first time your DS has spent time with your dad's wife? How well do they know one another?
Sounds like maybe DS wasn't prepared for the expectations of his grandfather and step-grandmother. Also sounds like maybe they are forging a new relationship and that can be difficult when the child is there alone w/o parents to help. I would likely have DS write a thank you note to both your dad and his wife thanking them for having him, and maybe suggesting something he'd like to do with them in the future. Move forward and don't dwell on the past. While you can apologize, I don't know that I'd force your son to, not sure it would help move the relationship forward. I'd also try to spend time with your son and your dad together to help build the relationship.

Yes, my son has known her for about eight years. I personally like her too - I'm quite happy she and my dad met because she makes him happy. When we visited in the past, I would be there to remind DS to say goodbye to everyone and he was compliant. Now that he's growing older, he's much less compliant. Given that I wasn't there, he couldn't care less. This was his first time going on his own though I don't think that is an excuse. I spoke to my dad again and he's explain that hosting DS got a bit too much. DS would sleep late and wake up past noon time and play games on his phone even though they were trying to engage him in a conversation. I was cringing on the phone while he was telling me all this.

Congrats. You are parenting a tween. There would have been nothing wrong with your dad setting some ground rules. Tween and teens sleep past noon if you don’t wake them up. Their sleep cycle changes at this age. Nothing wrong with your dad laying down some reasonable rules early in the visit. Let the kid sleep in one day, then after that, get him up for breakfast at 8 or 9 (but not 6). Have grandpa tell the kid he really wants to make the most of the time they have together, and have him check in the phone or put it away during meals and certain hours or when there is something planned. When we visit grandparents, I usually have kids check phones in with me, and give them back during down periods. If your father is seething because an 11 year old is sleeping late or playing with the phone at the dinner table, rather than getting the kid up at a certain hour and setting rules about phone use.

By the time the kid is 16-18, you would expect them to set an alarm and get up to spend time with the grandparents, unless you grandparents who are fine with the kid sleeping in and just want the kid to relax and be spoiled (some grandparents feel this way). You expect them to understand there is a time and place for the iPhone. But 11 year olds are usually new to phones and new to tweenage sleep rhythms. If your dad couldn’t calmly and kindly give some house rules and enforce them, and prompt the kid to say goodbye to SGM, maybe your kid shouldn’t visit. Expecting an 11 year old to have it all figured out ot read minds is silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids weren't rude or self-absorbed in the past. What's changed is permissive parenting.

"The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.

Children began to be the tyrants, not the slaves, of their households. They no longer rose from their seats when an elder entered the room; they contradicted their parents, chattered before company, gobbled up the dainties at table, and committed various offences against Hellenic tastes, such as crossing their legs. They tyrannised over the paidagogoi and schoolmasters."

1907 Kenneth JohnFreeman