Dad told us tween was rude and doesn't want anymore visits- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Was there any activity for your 11 year old DS at your dad's (day camp?) or was he just home with grandparents all week? If the latter, it's kind of understandable he was on the phone and playing video games a lot - he was probably bored out of his mind! I don't think I'd send him by himself anymore - visit your dad with him and keep the visit short to just couple days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids weren't rude or self-absorbed in the past. What's changed is permissive parenting.

+1
And many of the posters on this forum are perfect examples of this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh! This happened to me!
My step monster is a cold fish. I stayed at "her house" with my young children and visited with her and my father.
My children were very young, my father is super ttpe A and between getting anxious about his behavior and teying to wrangle the kids into their car seats, and deal with their cranky bickering, i drove off without saying good bye to her.
A few days later i recieved a nasty gram from her telling me how rude i am and how my "last minute visit" was a great source of stress ro my father in his feail condition (this was maybe 10 years ago and he is fine).
Now a few things:
Yes, it was rude.
So was her staying in her bedroom as she knew we were leaving and not coming out to say goodbye, herself.
This happened the year my mother died and was shortly before Christmas. I recieved the nastygram on Christmas eve when i was especially missing my mom.
Stepmonster has done rhis sort of thing in the past, including leaving my sons birthday party to go shopping without so much as a todaloo.

A nice person would have called son and said, "im sorry i missed you as you were leaving. I felt hurt that you did not say goodbye. Is everything ok?"

Stepmother does not sound like a nice person and was probably waiting for something like this to happen so she could hold it over grandfather's head and demand no more visits.

Grandfather is an ass to cut off a precious grandchild over a missed goodbye.

I would distance myself from both of them. They sound toxic.

^ Lots of projection there! Maybe you should get therapy to deal with your own issues with your dad & his remarriage?

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a problem with asking him to apologize. I might say no more visits to your dad without you for now, and only take family trips to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so you won't have to pay to fly your kid out to visit his cranky pain-in-the-ass grandparent? I'd put that in the win column. Especially if he gets along fine with his other grandparents.

How sad that your dad is teaching him that is love is conditional based on manners. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. And I get the cultural differences, but all he had to say was “Larlo, don’t forget to say thanks and goodbye to Stepgrandmother.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so you won't have to pay to fly your kid out to visit his cranky pain-in-the-ass grandparent? I'd put that in the win column. Especially if he gets along fine with his other grandparents.

How sad that your dad is teaching him that is love is conditional based on manners. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. And I get the cultural differences, but all he had to say was “Larlo, don’t forget to say thanks and goodbye to Stepgrandmother.”

Where on earth are you getting that from? Grandpa said he didn't want him visiting if he was going to be rude - on his phone all day, minimal interaction with grandparents, and no thank you at the end. Grandpa has valid concerns. No one said he no longer loves his grandson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so you won't have to pay to fly your kid out to visit his cranky pain-in-the-ass grandparent? I'd put that in the win column. Especially if he gets along fine with his other grandparents.

How sad that your dad is teaching him that is love is conditional based on manners. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. And I get the cultural differences, but all he had to say was “Larlo, don’t forget to say thanks and goodbye to Stepgrandmother.”

Where on earth are you getting that from? Grandpa said he didn't want him visiting if he was going to be rude - on his phone all day, minimal interaction with grandparents, and no thank you at the end. Grandpa has valid concerns. No one said he no longer loves his grandson.

DP. The OP did not say that grandpa said no future visits if he was going to be rude. Grandpa said no more visits because he was rude. There's a difference. Grandpa sounds done.

my dad says he doesn't want any more visits because my son was rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so you won't have to pay to fly your kid out to visit his cranky pain-in-the-ass grandparent? I'd put that in the win column. Especially if he gets along fine with his other grandparents.

How sad that your dad is teaching him that is love is conditional based on manners. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. And I get the cultural differences, but all he had to say was “Larlo, don’t forget to say thanks and goodbye to Stepgrandmother.”

It sounds to me like grandson went to spend a week with his grandfather/stepgrandmother and then a week with his grandmother in the same area. Probably to help mom with childcare during the summer. So, not a win if mom counts on the childcare coverage. Grandson is only 11, still a few years away from staying home alone all day, all week for 8-10 weeks of summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a problem with asking him to apologize. I might say no more visits to your dad without you for now, and only take family trips to him.

Yup. It's the difference between

-Larla, your son/my grandson was rude, he didn't say goodbye, could you please ask him to apologize?

and

-Larla, your son/my grandson was rude, he didn't say goodbye, I don't want him to visit anymore.

The former is fine. The latter? Well, everybody might be happier with less grandfather-grandson contact.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious as to why grandson did not say goodbye to her but did to him. A few possibilities:

He forgot (but now is no longer to visit because emotional blackmail is the way this family operates)

He intentionally did not say goodbye (because grandpa and wife were not accepting of him and he felt hurt)

He is a rude little pig who should be chastised after grandpa and wife went out of their way to make a nice visit for son and engage him in fun activity and connect through conversation and he thought he would show them what he thought of her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.

DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

Is this visit the first time your DS has spent time with your dad's wife? How well do they know one another?
Sounds like maybe DS wasn't prepared for the expectations of his grandfather and step-grandmother. Also sounds like maybe they are forging a new relationship and that can be difficult when the child is there alone w/o parents to help. I would likely have DS write a thank you note to both your dad and his wife thanking them for having him, and maybe suggesting something he'd like to do with them in the future. Move forward and don't dwell on the past. While you can apologize, I don't know that I'd force your son to, not sure it would help move the relationship forward. I'd also try to spend time with your son and your dad together to help build the relationship.

Yes, my son has known her for about eight years. I personally like her too - I'm quite happy she and my dad met because she makes him happy. When we visited in the past, I would be there to remind DS to say goodbye to everyone and he was compliant. Now that he's growing older, he's much less compliant. Given that I wasn't there, he couldn't care less. This was his first time going on his own though I don't think that is an excuse. I spoke to my dad again and he's explain that hosting DS got a bit too much. DS would sleep late and wake up past noon time and play games on his phone even though they were trying to engage him in a conversation. I was cringing on the phone while he was telling me all this.

Now I'm a little more sympathetic to your dad's reaction. It drives me crazy when my DS tries to sleep in after noon and then is glued to his phone. Does he do this at home? If he does, then you really should have set ground rules for him, given that you know this would not be acceptable behavior in your dad's eyes. If DS tried to do this, my mom would tell him nicely to get up and get off his phone and he would comply because he gets along with her. If DH's stepdad told him, he would be resistant and would try to stay on his phone. He doesn't like DH's stepdad. When he visits DH's mom and stepdad, I set ground rules, and I explain that he needs to be respectful of DH's stepdad. Not negotiable. If I didn't explain and set clear rules, I think he'd do what your DS did. You know your dad, you really should have followed up with your son daily, if necessary.

Yes, I have told him off about such behavior as well but it falls on deaf ears. He will put his phone away at the moment but then uses it again. That's why I'm not mad at my dad because I understand his disappointment and I blame myself. You sound like a more effective parent than I am!

Not really to the bold. I just advise that if your DS goes back to visit, set a schedule and call daily to wake him up and check back later to make sure all is going well. It sounds like a lot of micromanaging, but you understand your dad's culture and you want them to have s good relationship, so micromanage for 5 days. Eventually your DC will fall in line and understand the rules at your dad's house.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine to make him apologize. BUT, I know plenty of kids who in the chaos of packing and changing camps or vacation spots, may just run out w/o thinking. I think it would be better to speak to him first and explain why it was rude, as well as that it hurt the wife's feelings. Hopefully he will understand. Then ask him to apologize.

Your father is acting like a child. Never visit again? Way over the top and, quite frankly, a dick move. I'd also have a conversation with dear old dad about his reaction and expectations. And it would be me seriously considering whether I'd want to leave my kid with someone who reacts in that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids weren't rude or self-absorbed in the past. What's changed is permissive parenting.

What world do you live in? Kids have always been rude. Read freaking Aristotle; he talks about the rudeness and self-absorption of the youth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids weren't rude or self-absorbed in the past. What's changed is permissive parenting.

What world do you live in? Kids have always been rude. Read freaking Aristotle; he talks about the rudeness and self-absorption of the youth.

Here’s one by Socrates, but I’m fairly sure Aristotle said similar things:

The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.

DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

Is this visit the first time your DS has spent time with your dad's wife? How well do they know one another?
Sounds like maybe DS wasn't prepared for the expectations of his grandfather and step-grandmother. Also sounds like maybe they are forging a new relationship and that can be difficult when the child is there alone w/o parents to help. I would likely have DS write a thank you note to both your dad and his wife thanking them for having him, and maybe suggesting something he'd like to do with them in the future. Move forward and don't dwell on the past. While you can apologize, I don't know that I'd force your son to, not sure it would help move the relationship forward. I'd also try to spend time with your son and your dad together to help build the relationship.

Yes, my son has known her for about eight years. I personally like her too - I'm quite happy she and my dad met because she makes him happy. When we visited in the past, I would be there to remind DS to say goodbye to everyone and he was compliant. Now that he's growing older, he's much less compliant. Given that I wasn't there, he couldn't care less. This was his first time going on his own though I don't think that is an excuse. I spoke to my dad again and he's explain that hosting DS got a bit too much. DS would sleep late and wake up past noon time and play games on his phone even though they were trying to engage him in a conversation. I was cringing on the phone while he was telling me all this.

Now I'm a little more sympathetic to your dad's reaction. It drives me crazy when my DS tries to sleep in after noon and then is glued to his phone. Does he do this at home? If he does, then you really should have set ground rules for him, given that you know this would not be acceptable behavior in your dad's eyes. If DS tried to do this, my mom would tell him nicely to get up and get off his phone and he would comply because he gets along with her. If DH's stepdad told him, he would be resistant and would try to stay on his phone. He doesn't like DH's stepdad. When he visits DH's mom and stepdad, I set ground rules, and I explain that he needs to be respectful of DH's stepdad. Not negotiable. If I didn't explain and set clear rules, I think he'd do what your DS did. You know your dad, you really should have followed up with your son daily, if necessary.

Yes, I have told him off about such behavior as well but it falls on deaf ears. He will put his phone away at the moment but then uses it again. That's why I'm not mad at my dad because I understand his disappointment and I blame myself. You sound like a more effective parent than I am!

Nere’s The thing. 11 year olds often have trouble controlling their impulses and don’t need iPhones for anything. You are the parent. You can take the phone away— at home for the day, the week, the summer, before he visits grandpa so the phone doesn’t go with him, or for most of the day, and let him have it for an hour. If it drives you crazy, do something about it. An 11 year old, especially a boy (later prefrontal cortex development) may not be able to manage appropriate use yet.

It drives me crazy when parents throw up their hands about weeks smartphone use. You are supposed to be in control here. Tweens aren’t entitled to a smartphone, and can be handed a “burner” flip phone in case they need to call you. Parent up!