Dad told us tween was rude and doesn't want anymore visits- how to handle?

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08/03/2018 11:55

Subject: Dad told us tween was rude and doesn't want anymore visits- how to handle?

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Anonymous wrote:So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.

DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

Is this visit the first time your DS has spent time with your dad's wife? How well do they know one another?
Sounds like maybe DS wasn't prepared for the expectations of his grandfather and step-grandmother. Also sounds like maybe they are forging a new relationship and that can be difficult when the child is there alone w/o parents to help. I would likely have DS write a thank you note to both your dad and his wife thanking them for having him, and maybe suggesting something he'd like to do with them in the future. Move forward and don't dwell on the past. While you can apologize, I don't know that I'd force your son to, not sure it would help move the relationship forward. I'd also try to spend time with your son and your dad together to help build the relationship.

Yes, my son has known her for about eight years. I personally like her too - I'm quite happy she and my dad met because she makes him happy. When we visited in the past, I would be there to remind DS to say goodbye to everyone and he was compliant. Now that he's growing older, he's much less compliant. Given that I wasn't there, he couldn't care less. This was his first time going on his own though I don't think that is an excuse. I spoke to my dad again and he's explain that hosting DS got a bit too much. DS would sleep late and wake up past noon time and play games on his phone even though they were trying to engage him in a conversation. I was cringing on the phone while he was telling me all this.

Now I'm a little more sympathetic to your dad's reaction. It drives me crazy when my DS tries to sleep in after noon and then is glued to his phone. Does he do this at home? If he does, then you really should have set ground rules for him, given that you know this would not be acceptable behavior in your dad's eyes. If DS tried to do this, my mom would tell him nicely to get up and get off his phone and he would comply because he gets along with her. If DH's stepdad told him, he would be resistant and would try to stay on his phone. He doesn't like DH's stepdad. When he visits DH's mom and stepdad, I set ground rules, and I explain that he needs to be respectful of DH's stepdad. Not negotiable. If I didn't explain and set clear rules, I think he'd do what your DS did. You know your dad, you really should have followed up with your son daily, if necessary.

Yes, I have told him off about such behavior as well but it falls on deaf ears. He will put his phone away at the moment but then uses it again. That's why I'm not mad at my dad because I understand his disappointment and I blame myself. You sound like a more effective parent than I am!

Then, you tell Dad to take the phone or turn it off.

What good would that do? Then the kid will be really resentful. Better to be bored than resentful. I have a grandson who is also like this and we have also stopped visits. Kids in this generation just don't value old people like us.

Not necessarily true. We take out 14 and 16year olds phones whenever we travel with them, whether it’s too a relative or not. They can use them in the car/plane, we give them back if we are going to be separated and might need to contact them, and we give them back for photo purposes only at tourist sites (one strike and you lose it). That’s it. Turns out that they read, play cards, get outside, go out to eat and have mealtime conversations, and socialize with relatives just fine. They even admitted once that after the first day, it was nice to take a break from FB, texts, social media, etc.

Set clear rules up front. And deal with a day of crankiness during electronics withdrawal. And then it’s fine— even for our ADHD son who acts like an electronics addict.