Dad told us tween was rude and doesn't want anymore visits- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your dad doesn't understand that sometimes kids are rude and self-absorbed, he may not be an appropriate person to take care of your kids anyway. You should have your son apologize and perhaps write a note thanking them for letting him stay (I think this is pretty over the top for grandparents, but they don't sound that close, more like family friends (and i'm wondering if the step-grandma is in her 40's and feeding him nasty food she thinks he should appreciate even if he doesn't like it) and then you should let it go. If your dad childishly and rigidly does not want any more visits, well, then, that's on him.

My 15 yr old was taught in 1st grade when she started going to friends houses without me, to say "Thank you for having me" when leaving and "Can I help?" when dinner is being cooked. I drummed into her to always say goodbye and thank you to the parents hosting her. And I told her "If you do this and don't break or stain anything, you will be welcomed back." She had it down by age 7.

Mine have it down too, at 10 and 7. But you know what? They're kids! Sometimes they screw up! What's the proper response to that? An apology and a sincere attempt to do better next time. Grandpa sucks in this scenario. The kid should apologize and then Grandpa should let. it. go.

+1 The kid was rude. He screwed up (apparently that never happens with some folks kids, but whatever).

Does this really sound like such an awful offence that it should warrant a breach between the generations? Nah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your dad doesn't understand that sometimes kids are rude and self-absorbed, he may not be an appropriate person to take care of your kids anyway. You should have your son apologize and perhaps write a note thanking them for letting him stay (I think this is pretty over the top for grandparents, but they don't sound that close, more like family friends (and i'm wondering if the step-grandma is in her 40's and feeding him nasty food she thinks he should appreciate even if he doesn't like it) and then you should let it go. If your dad childishly and rigidly does not want any more visits, well, then, that's on him.

I got that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids weren't rude or self-absorbed in the past. What's changed is permissive parenting.

I'm sorry. We were plenty rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad says that while my son was polite overall, he was also very sullen and wouldn't give more than monosyllabic answers. He is like that at home but my dad doesn't get that because he grew up in a different culture where children were more obedient. My husband tells me I'm more like my dad and I probably secretly admire Amy Chua. That's not entirely untrue and that is why I'm disappointed

Wow! There is so much Dr. Phil could do with that.

Fix yourself.

Leave your kid alone.

It's rude for children to just answer in monosyllables. I am in Camp Grandpa!

[Anonymous]

Wait, so you won't have to pay to fly your kid out to visit his cranky pain-in-the-ass grandparent? I'd put that in the win column. Especially if he gets along fine with his other grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.

DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.

DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

Is this visit the first time your DS has spent time with your dad's wife? How well do they know one another?
Sounds like maybe DS wasn't prepared for the expectations of his grandfather and step-grandmother. Also sounds like maybe they are forging a new relationship and that can be difficult when the child is there alone w/o parents to help. I would likely have DS write a thank you note to both your dad and his wife thanking them for having him, and maybe suggesting something he'd like to do with them in the future. Move forward and don't dwell on the past. While you can apologize, I don't know that I'd force your son to, not sure it would help move the relationship forward. I'd also try to spend time with your son and your dad together to help build the relationship.

[Anonymous]

My oldest grand daughter, she the spawn of the Devil's sister, came to visit us and slammed the bedroom door in my face because I made her change clothes to go eat out. The ones she had on looked full blown hooker. She has her mother's slutty taste. She then called me a b.

We haven't seen her in 5 years. Her mother never allowed our son, the child's father, to discipline her. Mom thought being a naughty princess was okay because she was one.

To be honest, I hope we never see her again. Call me names, I don't care. My son divorced the mother. Thank God.

[Anonymous]

How often do you see your dad now? My MIL kept insisting this year that the kids never thanked her for a gift she sent them and how it was rude. The reality is that they called her when they received it and thanked her that day. They thanked her another time during the next conversation when she brought it up again and asked if they got her gift. MIL is 70 and it is a combination of becoming forgetful and thinking the kids should act more grateful and excited than they do. She does not have realistic expectations. She has also told us she is no longer going to send them things if they do not appreciate the gifts. We told her that is fine. Please get your sons side of the story before you become too upset. Our son is 10 and at this point does not want to spend a lot of time talking to his grandmother because he says she only complains.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fair to ask him to apologize, then make sure you remind him of expectations going forward.

I don't think it's fair for your dad//stepmom to say he's never allowed back, but your DS probably doesn't want to go anyway.

[Anonymous]

My parents are Indian and they would agree with your dad OP. I suspect that your dad thinks that your marriage to a white guy may have resulted in somewhat lax parenting. Your husband sounds culturally ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad says that while my son was polite overall, he was also very sullen and wouldn't give more than monosyllabic answers. He is like that at home but my dad doesn't get that because he grew up in a different culture where children were more obedient. My husband tells me I'm more like my dad and I probably secretly admire Amy Chua. That's not entirely untrue and that is why I'm disappointed

Wow! There is so much Dr. Phil could do with that.

Fix yourself.

Leave your kid alone.

It's rude for children to just answer in monosyllables. I am in Camp Grandpa!

I thought kids were supposed to be seen and not heard.

[Anonymous]

Your dad sounds like a major drama queen. I wouldn't want that in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.

DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

Your putting you son in the middle of two competing wives, new wife and ex wife.

You son obviously likes the one he is bonded to more and the "new" one is annoyed.

He does not have to like them equally. You have boundary issues not kid issues.

[Anonymous]

I'm Asian with an old-school Asian dad (and stepmom!) and I think your dad is being too harsh. Yes, properly greeting and saying goodbye to elders is a big thing, but if the visit was otherwise good, banning future visits is well...wow.

We weren't any better in my generation. I had to be prodded many times to do this.

Anyway, now my dad has completely gone around the bend and anything his grandkids do is ok with him. Sometimes I look at him and I'm like "What? Who are you? What happened to the man who raised me?"