Dad told us tween was rude and doesn't want anymore visits- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son was rude but he's 11 so, though he should definitely apologize and maybe send a thank you note to them too, his rudeness (or oversight) is to be understood. Why didn't your dad or his wife just say something to your son at the time like "hey, can i get a goodbye hug?" They sound like they don't really understand or know how to relate to kids.

+1 It shouldn't be this big of a deal, just a teaching opportunity. Grandfather is majorly overreacting. Makes me think wife doesn't really want him there anyway and is jumping on this as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids weren't rude or self-absorbed in the past. What's changed is permissive parenting.

I'm sorry. We were plenty rude.

Yeah, we kids were rude and self-absorbed in the 60s and 70s, for sure.

Maybe back in the 40s?

[Anonymous]

The Catholic nuns in my school had no qualms about paddling us kids in the 60s. So I definitely think there have been shifts in parental expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh! This happened to me!
My step monster is a cold fish. I stayed at "her house" with my young children and visited with her and my father.
My children were very young, my father is super ttpe A and between getting anxious about his behavior and teying to wrangle the kids into their car seats, and deal with their cranky bickering, i drove off without saying good bye to her.
A few days later i recieved a nasty gram from her telling me how rude i am and how my "last minute visit" was a great source of stress ro my father in his feail condition (this was maybe 10 years ago and he is fine).
Now a few things:
Yes, it was rude.
So was her staying in her bedroom as she knew we were leaving and not coming out to say goodbye, herself.
This happened the year my mother died and was shortly before Christmas. I recieved the nastygram on Christmas eve when i was especially missing my mom.
Stepmonster has done rhis sort of thing in the past, including leaving my sons birthday party to go shopping without so much as a todaloo.

A nice person would have called son and said, "im sorry i missed you as you were leaving. I felt hurt that you did not say goodbye. Is everything ok?"

Stepmother does not sound like a nice person and was probably waiting for something like this to happen so she could hold it over grandfather's head and demand no more visits.

Grandfather is an ass to cut off a precious grandchild over a missed goodbye.

I would distance myself from both of them. They sound toxic.

FFS, you are projecting like crazy. Go find a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.

DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

Is this visit the first time your DS has spent time with your dad's wife? How well do they know one another?
Sounds like maybe DS wasn't prepared for the expectations of his grandfather and step-grandmother. Also sounds like maybe they are forging a new relationship and that can be difficult when the child is there alone w/o parents to help. I would likely have DS write a thank you note to both your dad and his wife thanking them for having him, and maybe suggesting something he'd like to do with them in the future. Move forward and don't dwell on the past. While you can apologize, I don't know that I'd force your son to, not sure it would help move the relationship forward. I'd also try to spend time with your son and your dad together to help build the relationship.

Yes, my son has known her for about eight years. I personally like her too - I'm quite happy she and my dad met because she makes him happy. When we visited in the past, I would be there to remind DS to say goodbye to everyone and he was compliant. Now that he's growing older, he's much less compliant. Given that I wasn't there, he couldn't care less. This was his first time going on his own though I don't think that is an excuse. I spoke to my dad again and he's explain that hosting DS got a bit too much. DS would sleep late and wake up past noon time and play games on his phone even though they were trying to engage him in a conversation. I was cringing on the phone while he was telling me all this.

Now I'm a little more sympathetic to your dad's reaction. It drives me crazy when my DS tries to sleep in after noon and then is glued to his phone. Does he do this at home? If he does, then you really should have set ground rules for him, given that you know this would not be acceptable behavior in your dad's eyes. If DS tried to do this, my mom would tell him nicely to get up and get off his phone and he would comply because he gets along with her. If DH's stepdad told him, he would be resistant and would try to stay on his phone. He doesn't like DH's stepdad. When he visits DH's mom and stepdad, I set ground rules, and I explain that he needs to be respectful of DH's stepdad. Not negotiable. If I didn't explain and set clear rules, I think he'd do what your DS did. You know your dad, you really should have followed up with your son daily, if necessary.

[Anonymous]

After reading the followup:

Maybe it is time for visits to stop. We can't tell from this if your son was a horrible guest or if visiting the old folks is really boring. In any event, grandparent relationships change, and maybe it is time for these kind of visits to end.

I think the important thing to do now is to find a way to make peace, and to recognise that your son wasn't a great guest. You probably do need to talk to your son about that, because he does need to learn to be gratious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.

DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

Is this visit the first time your DS has spent time with your dad's wife? How well do they know one another?
Sounds like maybe DS wasn't prepared for the expectations of his grandfather and step-grandmother. Also sounds like maybe they are forging a new relationship and that can be difficult when the child is there alone w/o parents to help. I would likely have DS write a thank you note to both your dad and his wife thanking them for having him, and maybe suggesting something he'd like to do with them in the future. Move forward and don't dwell on the past. While you can apologize, I don't know that I'd force your son to, not sure it would help move the relationship forward. I'd also try to spend time with your son and your dad together to help build the relationship.

Yes, my son has known her for about eight years. I personally like her too - I'm quite happy she and my dad met because she makes him happy. When we visited in the past, I would be there to remind DS to say goodbye to everyone and he was compliant. Now that he's growing older, he's much less compliant. Given that I wasn't there, he couldn't care less. This was his first time going on his own though I don't think that is an excuse. I spoke to my dad again and he's explain that hosting DS got a bit too much. DS would sleep late and wake up past noon time and play games on his phone even though they were trying to engage him in a conversation. I was cringing on the phone while he was telling me all this.

Now I'm a little more sympathetic to your dad's reaction. It drives me crazy when my DS tries to sleep in after noon and then is glued to his phone. Does he do this at home? If he does, then you really should have set ground rules for him, given that you know this would not be acceptable behavior in your dad's eyes. If DS tried to do this, my mom would tell him nicely to get up and get off his phone and he would comply because he gets along with her. If DH's stepdad told him, he would be resistant and would try to stay on his phone. He doesn't like DH's stepdad. When he visits DH's mom and stepdad, I set ground rules, and I explain that he needs to be respectful of DH's stepdad. Not negotiable. If I didn't explain and set clear rules, I think he'd do what your DS did. You know your dad, you really should have followed up with your son daily, if necessary.

Yes, I have told him off about such behavior as well but it falls on deaf ears. He will put his phone away at the moment but then uses it again. That's why I'm not mad at my dad because I understand his disappointment and I blame myself. You sound like a more effective parent than I am!

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like your dad is saying he wants to cut all ties and end his relationship with your son over this, just more like your dad is saying he doesn't think week long visits are fun/productive for either party at this point.

Hearing the back story, yes he said your son was rude and disengaged, but it also sounds like your dad just feels like the visits aren't fun or interesting for your son anymore. If you have a house guest who just wants to sleep and play on the phone it doesn't seem like a worth while visit for either party.

Also, IME 11 is pretty young for a child to have a phone without any limits. I'd start to think about having the phone plugged in a common area for certain hours of the day- and let anyone he stays with for extended periods of time know this is also the expectation. You also may need to review other phone etiquette and talk about why... no-one wants to hang out with someone who is always on their phone and disengaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.

DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

Is this visit the first time your DS has spent time with your dad's wife? How well do they know one another?
Sounds like maybe DS wasn't prepared for the expectations of his grandfather and step-grandmother. Also sounds like maybe they are forging a new relationship and that can be difficult when the child is there alone w/o parents to help. I would likely have DS write a thank you note to both your dad and his wife thanking them for having him, and maybe suggesting something he'd like to do with them in the future. Move forward and don't dwell on the past. While you can apologize, I don't know that I'd force your son to, not sure it would help move the relationship forward. I'd also try to spend time with your son and your dad together to help build the relationship.

Yes, my son has known her for about eight years. I personally like her too - I'm quite happy she and my dad met because she makes him happy. When we visited in the past, I would be there to remind DS to say goodbye to everyone and he was compliant. Now that he's growing older, he's much less compliant. Given that I wasn't there, he couldn't care less. This was his first time going on his own though I don't think that is an excuse. I spoke to my dad again and he's explain that hosting DS got a bit too much. DS would sleep late and wake up past noon time and play games on his phone even though they were trying to engage him in a conversation. I was cringing on the phone while he was telling me all this.

Now I'm a little more sympathetic to your dad's reaction. It drives me crazy when my DS tries to sleep in after noon and then is glued to his phone. Does he do this at home? If he does, then you really should have set ground rules for him, given that you know this would not be acceptable behavior in your dad's eyes. If DS tried to do this, my mom would tell him nicely to get up and get off his phone and he would comply because he gets along with her. If DH's stepdad told him, he would be resistant and would try to stay on his phone. He doesn't like DH's stepdad. When he visits DH's mom and stepdad, I set ground rules, and I explain that he needs to be respectful of DH's stepdad. Not negotiable. If I didn't explain and set clear rules, I think he'd do what your DS did. You know your dad, you really should have followed up with your son daily, if necessary.

Yes, I have told him off about such behavior as well but it falls on deaf ears. He will put his phone away at the moment but then uses it again. That's why I'm not mad at my dad because I understand his disappointment and I blame myself. You sound like a more effective parent than I am!

Then, you tell Dad to take the phone or turn it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.

DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

Is this visit the first time your DS has spent time with your dad's wife? How well do they know one another?
Sounds like maybe DS wasn't prepared for the expectations of his grandfather and step-grandmother. Also sounds like maybe they are forging a new relationship and that can be difficult when the child is there alone w/o parents to help. I would likely have DS write a thank you note to both your dad and his wife thanking them for having him, and maybe suggesting something he'd like to do with them in the future. Move forward and don't dwell on the past. While you can apologize, I don't know that I'd force your son to, not sure it would help move the relationship forward. I'd also try to spend time with your son and your dad together to help build the relationship.

Yes, my son has known her for about eight years. I personally like her too - I'm quite happy she and my dad met because she makes him happy. When we visited in the past, I would be there to remind DS to say goodbye to everyone and he was compliant. Now that he's growing older, he's much less compliant. Given that I wasn't there, he couldn't care less. This was his first time going on his own though I don't think that is an excuse. I spoke to my dad again and he's explain that hosting DS got a bit too much. DS would sleep late and wake up past noon time and play games on his phone even though they were trying to engage him in a conversation. I was cringing on the phone while he was telling me all this.

Now I'm a little more sympathetic to your dad's reaction. It drives me crazy when my DS tries to sleep in after noon and then is glued to his phone. Does he do this at home? If he does, then you really should have set ground rules for him, given that you know this would not be acceptable behavior in your dad's eyes. If DS tried to do this, my mom would tell him nicely to get up and get off his phone and he would comply because he gets along with her. If DH's stepdad told him, he would be resistant and would try to stay on his phone. He doesn't like DH's stepdad. When he visits DH's mom and stepdad, I set ground rules, and I explain that he needs to be respectful of DH's stepdad. Not negotiable. If I didn't explain and set clear rules, I think he'd do what your DS did. You know your dad, you really should have followed up with your son daily, if necessary.

Yes, I have told him off about such behavior as well but it falls on deaf ears. He will put his phone away at the moment but then uses it again. That's why I'm not mad at my dad because I understand his disappointment and I blame myself. You sound like a more effective parent than I am!

Then, you tell Dad to take the phone or turn it off.

What good would that do? Then the kid will be really resentful. Better to be bored than resentful. I have a grandson who is also like this and we have also stopped visits. Kids in this generation just don't value old people like us.

[Anonymous]

You have completely changed your story from "my son forgot to say goodbye and now my dad wants to cut him out of his life " to "my son was so rude all week to my beloved dad and his gentle wife and i don't know how to live with my shame."

Maybe the kid isn't the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.

DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

Is this visit the first time your DS has spent time with your dad's wife? How well do they know one another?
Sounds like maybe DS wasn't prepared for the expectations of his grandfather and step-grandmother. Also sounds like maybe they are forging a new relationship and that can be difficult when the child is there alone w/o parents to help. I would likely have DS write a thank you note to both your dad and his wife thanking them for having him, and maybe suggesting something he'd like to do with them in the future. Move forward and don't dwell on the past. While you can apologize, I don't know that I'd force your son to, not sure it would help move the relationship forward. I'd also try to spend time with your son and your dad together to help build the relationship.

Yes, my son has known her for about eight years. I personally like her too - I'm quite happy she and my dad met because she makes him happy. When we visited in the past, I would be there to remind DS to say goodbye to everyone and he was compliant. Now that he's growing older, he's much less compliant. Given that I wasn't there, he couldn't care less. This was his first time going on his own though I don't think that is an excuse. I spoke to my dad again and he's explain that hosting DS got a bit too much. DS would sleep late and wake up past noon time and play games on his phone even though they were trying to engage him in a conversation. I was cringing on the phone while he was telling me all this.

Now I'm a little more sympathetic to your dad's reaction. It drives me crazy when my DS tries to sleep in after noon and then is glued to his phone. Does he do this at home? If he does, then you really should have set ground rules for him, given that you know this would not be acceptable behavior in your dad's eyes. If DS tried to do this, my mom would tell him nicely to get up and get off his phone and he would comply because he gets along with her. If DH's stepdad told him, he would be resistant and would try to stay on his phone. He doesn't like DH's stepdad. When he visits DH's mom and stepdad, I set ground rules, and I explain that he needs to be respectful of DH's stepdad. Not negotiable. If I didn't explain and set clear rules, I think he'd do what your DS did. You know your dad, you really should have followed up with your son daily, if necessary.

Yes, I have told him off about such behavior as well but it falls on deaf ears. He will put his phone away at the moment but then uses it again. That's why I'm not mad at my dad because I understand his disappointment and I blame myself. You sound like a more effective parent than I am!

Then, you tell Dad to take the phone or turn it off.

What good would that do? Then the kid will be really resentful. Better to be bored than resentful. I have a grandson who is also like this and we have also stopped visits. Kids in this generation just don't value old people like us.

It depends on the child and old people. My parents don't place a priority on their grandkids. Its a parenting issue but you need to set expectations too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is Chinese and so is his wife. My mom is white and so is my husband. He was strict but back then, it was easier for him to be that way. My mom was more laid back and I think the cultural differences may have to do with their separation. My husband agrees that DS was rude but thinks that making him apologize is overboard. I don't think so and I plan on making DS apologize any way. I won't be THAT parent who thinks their kid does no wrong.

Are you THAT adult who thinks her dad does no wrong?

[Anonymous]

Is OP Ivanka Trump?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have completely changed your story from "my son forgot to say goodbye and now my dad wants to cut him out of his life " to "my son was so rude all week to my beloved dad and his gentle wife and i don't know how to live with my shame."

Maybe the kid isn't the problem.

OP did say the child was overall polite. She didn't change her story. The only part where the kid was truly rude was when he left without saying goodbye. She also didn't say the dad was cutting the grandson out of his life; just not these kind of visits where they are hosting him for days. As for feeling shame, who wouldn't be if you were parenting a son like hers?