Dad told us tween was rude and doesn't want anymore visits- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

My DS is 11 and visiting grandparents out of state. He's only spent five days with his grandfather and is now with his grandmother (my parents divorced long ago). Apparently, when he left my dad's house, he didn't acknowledge my dad's wife at all and just walked away (a friend of mine helped drive him over to my mom's). My dad's wife was very involved in his visit and is understandably disappointed. I feel bad as a parent but feel even worse that my dad says he doesn't want any more visits because my son was rude. I will fly over next week to meet them. I plan on making my son apologize personally to my dad and his wife but I don't know if that would be enough.

[Anonymous]

Huh!? Your son is still young. He needs to be taught proper manners. It's normal that he forgot to say goodbye due to his age and lack of life experiences. Your dad is being very unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Was your dad at all involved in raising you? I ask because this is the kind of thing my father would expect an 11-year-old to know to do, too, and that I know he would need a reminder to do (unless we did a lot of visiting with people).

I'm not sure what to say besides apologizing, and if you want him to visit again, next time coach him before he leaves with a reminder the night before that he needs to thank everyone, even though they're family.

I guess, take the mistake on yourself and tell your dad it's your fault for not teaching him better, he's just a kid, yada yada.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huh!? Your son is still young. He needs to be taught proper manners. It's normal that he forgot to say goodbye due to his age and lack of life experiences. Your dad is being very unreasonable.

Isn't saying goodbye properly a very basic expectation? I wouldn't want that child in my home either if he didn't think to acknowledge me before leaving. Yes, please make that child apologize!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS is 11 and visiting grandparents out of state. He's only spent five days with his grandfather and is now with his grandmother (my parents divorced long ago). Apparently, when he left my dad's house, he didn't acknowledge my dad's wife at all and just walked away (a friend of mine helped drive him over to my mom's). My dad's wife was very involved in his visit and is understandably disappointed. I feel bad as a parent but feel even worse that my dad says he doesn't want any more visits because my son was rude. I will fly over next week to meet them. I plan on making my son apologize personally to my dad and his wife but I don't know if that would be enough.

This will send the message to your son that in this dispute, you on your father's side against your son.

And what is the dispute about? The dispute is about an adult (your father) who no longer wants his grandson (who is 11) to visit because his grandson didn't say goodbye to his wife (who is also an adult).

Did your father act like that when he was raising you, too? And if so, have you come to terms with it as an adult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS is 11 and visiting grandparents out of state. He's only spent five days with his grandfather and is now with his grandmother (my parents divorced long ago). Apparently, when he left my dad's house, he didn't acknowledge my dad's wife at all and just walked away (a friend of mine helped drive him over to my mom's). My dad's wife was very involved in his visit and is understandably disappointed. I feel bad as a parent but feel even worse that my dad says he doesn't want any more visits because my son was rude. I will fly over next week to meet them. I plan on making my son apologize personally to my dad and his wife but I don't know if that would be enough.

This will send the message to your son that in this dispute, you on your father's side against your son.

And what is the dispute about? The dispute is about an adult (your father) who no longer wants his grandson (who is 11) to visit because his grandson didn't say goodbye to his wife (who is also an adult).

Did your father act like that when he was raising you, too? And if so, have you come to terms with it as an adult?

As well she should be. Kid was rude. He should apologize. I promise he won't need therapy in the future because of it.

[Anonymous]

If your dad doesn't understand that sometimes kids are rude and self-absorbed, he may not be an appropriate person to take care of your kids anyway. You should have your son apologize and perhaps write a note thanking them for letting him stay (I think this is pretty over the top for grandparents, but they don't sound that close, more like family friends (and i'm wondering if the step-grandma is in her 40's and feeding him nasty food she thinks he should appreciate even if he doesn't like it) and then you should let it go. If your dad childishly and rigidly does not want any more visits, well, then, that's on him.

[Anonymous]

Kids weren't rude or self-absorbed in the past. What's changed is permissive parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids weren't rude or self-absorbed in the past. What's changed is permissive parenting.

Lol

Says the person without a lot of experience with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your dad doesn't understand that sometimes kids are rude and self-absorbed, he may not be an appropriate person to take care of your kids anyway. You should have your son apologize and perhaps write a note thanking them for letting him stay (I think this is pretty over the top for grandparents, but they don't sound that close, more like family friends (and i'm wondering if the step-grandma is in her 40's and feeding him nasty food she thinks he should appreciate even if he doesn't like it) and then you should let it go. If your dad childishly and rigidly does not want any more visits, well, then, that's on him.

My 15 yr old was taught in 1st grade when she started going to friends houses without me, to say "Thank you for having me" when leaving and "Can I help?" when dinner is being cooked. I drummed into her to always say goodbye and thank you to the parents hosting her. And I told her "If you do this and don't break or stain anything, you will be welcomed back." She had it down by age 7.

[Anonymous]

My dad is Chinese and so is his wife. My mom is white and so is my husband. He was strict but back then, it was easier for him to be that way. My mom was more laid back and I think the cultural differences may have to do with their separation. My husband agrees that DS was rude but thinks that making him apologize is overboard. I don't think so and I plan on making DS apologize any way. I won't be THAT parent who thinks their kid does no wrong.

[Anonymous]

Did you ask your ds what happened? Maybe your dad misinterpreted an 11 year old saying goodbye to his wife. Maybe he expected him to hug her and your ds just mumbled goodbye. There are always 2 sides to the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids weren't rude or self-absorbed in the past. What's changed is permissive parenting.

Lol

Says the person without a lot of experience with kids.

I've taught elementary school for 30 years so I do have a lot of experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is Chinese and so is his wife. My mom is white and so is my husband. He was strict but back then, it was easier for him to be that way. My mom was more laid back and I think the cultural differences may have to do with their separation. My husband agrees that DS was rude but thinks that making him apologize is overboard. I don't think so and I plan on making DS apologize any way. I won't be THAT parent who thinks their kid does no wrong.

This makes no sense at all. Apologizing for being rude is entirely appropriate, and, other than just ignoring it, is the least meaningful consequence possible.

I think I am seeing part of the problem, OP - your husband.

[Anonymous]

So for 5 days they have a great time and I assume you son was polite, then at the moment that he has to leave he does not stroke his step grandmother ego and now your dad is pissed.

Wow! Just wow!