Dad told us tween was rude and doesn't want anymore visits- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

My inlaws are like this. Actually, just my father in law. He’s my MILs second husband after my husband’s father passed away. So my husband doesn’t give a lick when ourbkids basically ignore the man. But boy does he get hot about it. Basically acts like a child himself, saying things like ‘boy, thu don’t even know I exist do they?’ right in front of them. It’s super weird. Only thing I can surmise is the guy never had kids himself so he doesn’t have a clue how tweens and teens are. He’s very old school. And all it makes us do is want to visit them LESS!

[Anonymous]

^^^to clarify, my FIL gets hot about the perceived disrespect, not my husband. Sorry, typing too fast.

[Anonymous]

So next year just send him to his grandmother’s only. Grandpa may have a change of heart when he finds out he’s the one missing out on visits when his Ex still gets them.

[Anonymous]

Many granddads are like this. They are more busy and don't identify as doting babysitters unlike the women.

[Anonymous]

Many remarried men are like this. Out with the old, in with the new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many remarried men are like this. Out with the old, in with the new.

It's men in general. Doesn't matter what their current marital status is. They generally aren't that interested in dealing with kids or teens. Too much trouble.

[Anonymous]

There is literally nothing my kids could say that would make my parents act this way. Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Wow, so many generalizations in this thread.

My 11-year old son could totally forget to say good bye or thank you when we aren't around to remind him, and we have reminded him to do so every single time it's appropriate since he could talk. We make him write thank you notes for every gift he receives. So has been intensively trained in this area and still forgets because he is an 11 year old boy.

Has your son had an opportunity to develop a relationship with your father and his wife over the years? I've seen situations where it's been very awkward and stiff when a grandchild visits a grandparent that they don't know well. Perhaps the visits would go better if you came along and helped bridge the gap between them by finding things you can all do together so they have a chance to get to know and enjoy one another.

[Anonymous]

I would cut off contact with my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was there any activity for your 11 year old DS at your dad's (day camp?) or was he just home with grandparents all week? If the latter, it's kind of understandable he was on the phone and playing video games a lot - he was probably bored out of his mind! I don't think I'd send him by himself anymore - visit your dad with him and keep the visit short to just couple days.

This. I can't think of anything more boring for an 11 yr old. Were there any other kids around to play with? Old Asian grandparents don't "play" but there are a lot of expectations about behavior that can get grueling after a while even for an adult.

I am Asian, Korean, born there and when we have family gatherings the kids interact and play with each other. I would never send my kid by himself for a week with my parents unless they were also hosting his cousins. No wonder your DS was on the phone and playing video games.

Have your DS apologize to stepgrandma and never send him over there again. Problem solved.

Agreed and agreed. What 11 year old wants to sit around and chat with adults?

[Anonymous]

So the step grandmom is involved in the visit and does not

- initiate a goodbye
- or say , hey Bart no goodbye for grandma, no hug or handshake?
Someone is all up in arms because their grandkid did not say goodbye?
Get 5 lives.
I most definitely tell my kid that proper manners dictate a thank you and a goodbye to both grandparents. But damn, my kid and my grandkids could leave without saying goodbye and it would not be an issue AT FREAKING ALL.
Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the step grandmom is involved in the visit and does not

- initiate a goodbye
- or say , hey Bart no goodbye for grandma, no hug or handshake?
Someone is all up in arms because their grandkid did not say goodbye?
Get 5 lives.
I most definitely tell my kid that proper manners dictate a thank you and a goodbye to both grandparents. But damn, my kid and my grandkids could leave without saying goodbye and it would not be an issue AT FREAKING ALL.
Geez.

Would your kids choose to basically sleep most of the day and then ignore your parents for the entire trip. Just because the grandfather doesn't want him coming back to stay, that doesn't mean he doesn't are about him. Clearly the trip didn't work for anyone involved. Maybe the best course of action would be day or dinner/lunch outings with OP and her DS. That might be a much more pleasant experience for everyone. OP could pick something that she knows her DS and dad would like. Not wanting the extended stay doesn't mean he doesn't love his grandson. My DC loves my mom and is happy for her to come visit us. He doesn't want to stay at her house for more than one night because my mom doesn't plan any activities and there are no kids his age around. He wouldn't ignore them and is pleasant while he's there, but makes it clear when he gets home that it's very boring for him. Now we stay at a hotel close enough where there is a beach, pool and other activities. My parents come over and stay at the hotel. Everyone is happy. If you were older, you might understand how rude/frustrating what OP's DS did was to her father. Sleeping until the afternoon and then basically ignoring elder adults who are attempting to interact with you shows a major lack of respect for your elders. I get OP's dad's reaction, even if American culture says that behavior is ok.

[Anonymous]

Did your child just run out of the house? I can’t picture this because in my world guests are always escorted to the door. I can’t imagine not facilitating goodbyes for the rest of the household. I’m an adult child of Indian immigrants and my parents still really care about shows of respect that don’t really match how people behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your child just run out of the house? I can’t picture this because in my world guests are always escorted to the door. I can’t imagine not facilitating goodbyes for the rest of the household. I’m an adult child of Indian immigrants and my parents still really care about shows of respect that don’t really match how people behave.

I was told that they were all in the garage and DS walked away to my friend. DS was putting on his shoes in the garage. He did say bye to my dad but not to his wife. You're definitely right about showing respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was there any activity for your 11 year old DS at your dad's (day camp?) or was he just home with grandparents all week? If the latter, it's kind of understandable he was on the phone and playing video games a lot - he was probably bored out of his mind! I don't think I'd send him by himself anymore - visit your dad with him and keep the visit short to just couple days.

This. I can't think of anything more boring for an 11 yr old. Were there any other kids around to play with? Old Asian grandparents don't "play" but there are a lot of expectations about behavior that can get grueling after a while even for an adult.

I am Asian, Korean, born there and when we have family gatherings the kids interact and play with each other. I would never send my kid by himself for a week with my parents unless they were also hosting his cousins. No wonder your DS was on the phone and playing video games.

Have your DS apologize to stepgrandma and never send him over there again. Problem solved.

Agreed and agreed. What 11 year old wants to sit around and chat with adults?

I don't see why this is an excuse. I grew up as an only child in the pre-internet era and had to entertain myself. I didn't have to hang around other kids for any reason. I read a lot and was self-sufficient. If the kid was four, maybe a play date would be good but he's 11. He should be able to have conversations with adults. Ask his grandparents about their history and all that. That's what I did. Anyway, it sounds like OP's kid was self-absorbed and it didn't feel meaningful for her dad and his wife to have him visit. It's a two-way street.