Reply to Dad told us tween was rude and doesn't want anymore visits- how to handle?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So what was the rest of the visit like? Your son was clearly rude as he left, but tell us about the rest of the week.

Maybe she was involved but unpleasant.

Maybe she was wonderful.

Your dad clearly doesn't remember much about 11 year olds, so I hope you can find a way to keep this from escalating.[/quote]

[b]DS says it was a good visit and my dad's wife is a nice lady[/b]. He just doesn't seem to care for her as she isn't my mom. I told him that is unacceptable and he just goes "Yeah ok mom". My husband jokes that maybe my dad and his wife were "just too Asian" for DS but I don't find it funny. I think DS knows he can get the support of his dad and downplay bad behavior.

[/quote]

Is this visit the first time your DS has spent time with your dad's wife?  How well do they know one another?  
Sounds like maybe DS wasn't prepared for the expectations of his grandfather and step-grandmother.  Also sounds like maybe they are forging a new relationship and that can be difficult when the child is there alone w/o parents to help.  I would likely have DS write a thank you note to both your dad and his wife thanking them for having him, and maybe suggesting something he'd like to do with them in the future.  Move forward and don't dwell on the past.  While you can apologize, I don't know that I'd force your son to, not sure it would help move the relationship forward.  I'd also try to spend time with your son and your dad together to help build the relationship.[/quote]

Yes, my son has known her for about eight years. I personally like her too - I'm quite happy she and my dad met because she makes him happy. When we visited in the past, I would be there to remind DS to say goodbye to everyone and he was compliant. Now that he's growing older, he's much less compliant. Given that I wasn't there, he couldn't care less. This was his first time going on his own though I don't think that is an excuse. I spoke to my dad again and he's explain that hosting DS got a bit too much. DS would sleep late and wake up past noon time and play games on his phone even though they were trying to engage him in a conversation. I was cringing on the phone while he was telling me all this. 
[/quote]

Congrats. You are parenting a tween.  There would have been nothing wrong with your dad setting some ground rules.  Tween and teens  sleep past noon if you don’t wake them up.   Their sleep cycle changes at this age.  Nothing wrong with your dad laying down some reasonable rules early in the visit. Let the kid sleep in one day, then after that, get him up for breakfast at 8 or 9 (but not 6).  Have grandpa tell the kid he really wants to make the most of the time they have together, and have him check in the phone or put it away during meals and certain hours or when there is something planned. When we visit grandparents, I usually have kids check phones in with me, and give them back during down periods.  If your father is seething because an 11 year old is sleeping late or playing with the phone at the dinner table, rather than getting the kid up at a certain hour and setting rules about phone use.

By the time the kid is 16-18, you would expect them to set an alarm and get up to spend time with the grandparents, unless you grandparents who are fine with the kid sleeping in and just want the kid to relax and be spoiled (some grandparents feel this way).  You expect them to understand there is a time and place for the iPhone.  But 11 year olds are usually new to phones and new to tweenage sleep rhythms. If your dad couldn’t calmly and kindly give some house rules and enforce them, and prompt the kid to say goodbye to SGM, maybe your kid shouldn’t visit.  Expecting an 11 year old to have it all figured out ot read minds is silly. [/quote]

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