My wife wants to present to the world that everything is perfect
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Anonymous
Sounds like my mother-in-law. Her need for approval, even if it comes from strangers, is so strong it trumps everything! It sucks, OP, I'm sorry. |
Anonymous
That also describes my MIL, and she is Jewish. |
Anonymous
| This describes me as well, although I would not say it is because I care about social standing or looking perfect. I hate to appear that I need help. I would always rather handle something myself than ask for help. I hate looking vulnerable. And I hate feeling like I need to return a favor (although I love doing for others and except nothing back). I’m sure I’ve got gobs of stuff to unpack in therapy related to these feelings but they are what they are. Maybe your wife is similar, OP. |
Anonymous
I just read OP's answer. Looks like OP's approach is to involve lots of people. It may or may not work, we don't know. I disagree with the assessment of the wife's behavior as a hissy fit, it might be what works for her. My family is very private and that's where my friend turned for help when she knew that her parents will overshare (and my parents can legally keep secrets). You don't know what works and neither anybody else. So far we see three very stubborn people in this family, lots of power struggle, not fun. Maybe one will realize that. |
Anonymous
You're projecting good intentions onto OP's wife when you lack evidence for it. So far all we read is that Op's wife just shuts down and gets mad if he suggests his plan of action. She's not handling it privately nor is she having a discussion with OP about what they should do. She'd prefer that they do nothing and her daughter can continue cutting or maybe die...as long as OP's wife doesn't have to explore her anger and issues, it's all good. Yes, I would absolutely characterize it as a hissy fit. |
Anonymous
I disagree. DD is in therapy. OP's issues are specific to the amount of sharing with the school and with the group. OP think sharing helps. We don't know. I believe the sharing decision should be up to the kid, not OP or his wife. |
Anonymous
This, my friend, is called 'pride'. One of seven deadly sins. You think you're better than others, don't you? That's why you 'hate looking vulnerable' and enjoy 'doing for others and 'except' nothing back'. That's why you'd rather handle something yourself than ask for help. Problem is, you ain't God almighty, and the sooner you realize and 'except' that, the better. |
Anonymous
DP. What's "better"? With the reaction like yours, I can see how PP would not want help. You are assigning problems to PP, randomly. That's what people often get when opening up to strangers. OP's wife got "it's all her fault" here several times. That's the reaction, even if it's not said out loud. |
Anonymous
NP. From the bolded, you seem to agree that OP's wife is proud and selfish. It is not about her. It is about her daughter. What if some people wrongly accuse her of being at fault. So what? Some others may have good advice while others can keep an eye on the child to make sure to call OP and his wife if they see anything that they need to know. Everybody needs others. If you would always rather handle something yourself, you are either too proud or you have trust issues. Either way, it is not good especially when you have children. You end up with children with pride and trust issues. |
Anonymous
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OP here. In a group of parents with other teens in the program, we are trying to learn / discover how parent/handle the teen to keep her safe. It is supposed to be confidential.
As for school, my thinking is we want to reduce the stress while not hurting the child long term. Frankly, DD is a high achieving kid, does not drink or do drugs, wants to go to school, and wants to do well. There are specific instances where a classroom situation is causing inordinate stress: one class where she seems to know the material (based on my looking at the situation), but she is underperforming, probably because of the lack of time for homework. What I want the teacher to do is look beyond the grades and look at her responses in class. This is a tough problem: we do not have an IEP or 504 (yet), but we are asking for compassion. |
Anonymous
You're literally making things up to argue about. We've heard nothing about the child other than she's in crisis and needs help - more help than she's getting. There is nothing about how OP's KID responds to the email and the group therapy. Only that his wife and the mother of his child shuts down and gets mad if OP tries to get help. I'm not sure why you're defending this woman but I'm fairly certain it has to do with your own issues. |
Anonymous
I can say the same. We don't know the situation. I think OP adds to the school stress as he is trying to preserve the school status quo in terms of classes for the fear of kid falling behind and missing out. The kid is insisting on Calc and OP tries to make it happen, so slowing down for kid is not the option. On one hand, it can be like not getting a proper healing after the injury and going out on a field and doing more damage. On the other hand, OP might be able to create a crutch for his kid to manage both therapy and school. It's not black and white. I now understand "email to the teacher approach" as it's about school success, not about the help with an actual problem. I can see why would OP and his wife fight about that. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. Teachers are human. They judge. They have favorites. They gossip. And teachest aren't psychologists. So they may do and say things they think help but just make it worse. If your daughter trusts a particular teacher and wants to open up, that's fine. If the cutting is the result of bullying, then it is appropriate to get the school involved. But otherwise, go to a psychiatrist and don't involve the school. |
Anonymous
If his daughter continues down this road there is no future, honestly. |
Anonymous
I speak as a parent of a child with depression. I am actually quite saddened by reading this thread. This is page 4 and the first time anyone has mentioned a 504 plan. I am saddened because 504 plans can be tremendously helpful to kids with depression, anxiety and other physical or mental illnesses, yet this thread has gone on and on analyzing whether your DW is in denial about your DDs illnesses, when DW is actually expressing some legitimate concerns about privacy that a 504 plan can address. Very few parents know about these plans and how to access them, and schools do not tell, because it requires them to do something. You absolutely should not be writing individual emails to teachers explaining in great detail about your DD's health and begging for "compassion". Your DD has a medical illness that qualifies as a "disability" under Section 504 of the 1973 Rehabilitation Act. As such she is entitled to a formal, written 504 plan with all the accommodations necessary to help her manage her illness and health AND still take all the high level advanced classes she wants. Your DD should have had a 504 plan immediately. If the school couldn't take time immediately for a formal 504 plan (because it's not easy to schedule a meeting for 5-6 school staff), your school has the discretion to immediately extend a "health plan." Have you made a formal written request for a 504 plan to the school? If not, do it TODAY. A 504 plan requires a showing of 1) disability that 2) substantially limits a major life activity. There is no strict definition of "substantial limitation"; the determination must be made on an individual basis. The life activities can be things that happen in school or out of school -- learning, sleep, eating, concentrating, remembering, etc. The measure of "substantial limitation" is NOT grades and it is NOT whether or not the child is in advanced classes. So, your child can have depression which causes cutting, which can substantially limit their ability to concentrate in class because they are worrying about whether people will see their cut marks or substantially limit their ability to learn because they are spending so much time in a outpatient program to address the illness, and even though they are still getting As and Bs in advanced classes, they will still qualify for a 504 plan. Write a letter that requests the 504 plan and names the diagnosis your DD has and what major life activities are affected. Depression often affects sleep, memory, and ability to concentrate. Those, in turn, affect learning. All these are "major life activities". Attach a letter of support from the doctor that diagnosed your DD. The doctor's letter has to have the same elements -- diagnosis, some information about what major life activities are affected and a recommendation for a 504 plan. Once you write the letter the school should schedule the meeting ASAP and at that time you should request informal accommodations. It is NOT ok for the school to say , "sorry we can't meet for a month and we can't do anything until then." Your DD is ill now and the stress of not having any accommodations is making her illness WORSE. Everything has to go in writing to the school, otherwise it didn't happen. So, if the school says they can't meet for a few weeks, respond in writing that you can agree to the later meeting date if the school agrees to put XXX informal accommodations in place between now and the formal meeting date. At the 504 meeting, the team (which includes you and anyone you want to invite -- doctor, therapist, other family members and your DD if you feel she wants to be there), the team will assess whether your DD meets the criteria for a 504 plan (which I wrote above). Sometimes the 504 team itself doesn't understand the law and puts extra criteria that are not appropriate -- grades and level of class taken. In other words, we have heard 504 teams say, "sorry, we can't give you a 504 plan because you have As and Bs and are taking advanced classes." Grades are NOT the criteria; you do not have to have failing grades to get a 504 plan. Also, teams who say this will often suggest, "Maybe what is causing you stress is all those AP classes you are taking. You should drop those to relieve your stress." Again, this is NOT legally appropriate. High achieving students do NOT have to give up their access to accelerated classes in order to access a 504 plan nor is dropping classes appropriate as a form of "self-accommodation". Your DD is probably extra-stressed because on top of having a real illness to deal with, she is worried about having to drop classes or get bad grades and thus sees the future she saw for herself disappearing. Also, for some bright kids, advanced classes are all that keeps them from being bored out of their skulls; drop the classes and depression becomes worse not better. Your child should be accommodated instead of having to self-accommodate. If the 504 team refuses to provide a plan, please write a letter of complaint to your county-wide 504 supervisor. Your DD clearly meets the criteria. Your 504 plan should include things like: copy of class notes, extra time on tests, ability to reschedule assessment and assignment deadlines, reduced homework (meaning DD doesn't have to do all homework), flash pass to the nurse when not feeling well, and, frankly, anything else that you think you need. Do not let the team tell you "we don't do that". They do. In fact, even if you're asking for something they've never done before, if your suggested accommodation meets a need of your daughter's then your team MUST consider it or offer a substitute that meets the need. Each child must be assessed individually and the team cannot impose a template (this is what we do for depressed kids). Once you have the 504 plan, your DD's counselor shares that plan with all her teachers. The teachers receive a 1 or 2 page piece of paper that includes a diagnosis (so they will see "depression") and a list of all the accommodations. That is all a teacher needs to know. A teacher doesn't need to know all the details about the illness that you have been sharing. Your DW is right about that, and you should be more respectful of her perspective. Perhaps you can see that she is an under-sharer and you are an over-sharer and the right way is somewhere in between? Teachers MUST follow the accommodations. All your DD has to do is go to the teacher and say, "I am using my accommodations to reschedule this assignment deadline. I think I can get it to you by XXX date." Or DD can email (we like this approach, because it's a bit more private, DD can self-advocate, a parent can quickly review the email to make sure it has polite tone and then parent knows what has been rescheduled and there is also a paper trail if the teacher refuses or forgets). I say teachers MUST follow the accommodations, but IME every year there is a teacher who refuses. This requires parental follow up via a polite email, describing the refusal and the legal obligation of the teacher to comply. First non-compliance gets a polite reminder. Second non-compliance forwards earlier email to supervisor detailing failure to comply and new non-compliance. Third non-compliance forwards all earlier emails outside the school to the Section 504 coordinator for the school system. Your DD needs a 504 plan in school, because it also applies to SAT, ACT, AP and other important tests she will have to take. Your begging for "compassion" from teachers does nothing to address these situations. Once you have the 504 plan, it is a simple matter for the counselor to submit the plan to the institutions that run these tests and ask for accommodations there too. Plus, if your DD goes to college, she may well need accommodations there. Having had a history of a 504 plan will make getting accommodations at college easier. There is a wide range of what kids with depression need. My DD is an extremely bright student taking tons of AP classes even though her depression means that she misses up to 50% of some classes when she is not well. One thing that has really improved her health is having a 504 plan. It means that she does not have to worry about school and how she will manage that, because there is a plan. Most teachers are cooperative. DD's privacy is preserved and she can feel like a "normal" child because she is still a "normal" child even though she struggles with depression. She still has her aspirations for the future because she is still able to take the classes she wants in school. Depression has become a medical illness that she manages like other kids do for diabetes or concussion or whatever. Some teachers are not cooperative and have challenged DD saying she is lazy or using her plan to procrastinate or whatever, but because she has a plan, DD can stick up for herself. DD is learning that some in society still have antiquated ideas about MI, but this helps her learn that they are wrong. If your DD becomes so ill that she really can't be in school, home and hospital teaching is available. But, IME, it is better to try to keep kids in school where possible because while school can be a stressor, it also provides a network of support that is protective (something to do and some friends that are helpful). Home and hospital really cuts a student off and isolates them and that can be very negative. If you get to that point, please post in the Special Needs forum for some pointers about HHT. Finally, some other resources for you and your wife -- please take a NAMI Family to Family class together. It will teach you both about mental illness and give you an opportunity to talk about many, many issues you will confront about your child. You have a health issue that you have to manage. Don't make this a relationship issue between you and your wife where one of you is right and one of you is wrong. The problems you face are extraordinarily complex and there will often NOT be a clear "right" way to handle things. |