My wife wants to present to the world that everything is perfect

[Anonymous]

If this is how your wife generally operates, your daughter's therapist needs to know.

This is how my household operated growing up, and in addition to driving me to anorexia, it did a major number on my ability to have genuine relationships of any kind.

The message she is receiving is that what is most important is the image the world sees. This means that it doesn't matter how awful anyone is in the privacy of the home (in fact, that's where awfulness should live so as to make sure everyone is doing what they need to do to maintain the image). It also means you achieve that image by any means necessary, no matter how damaging it might be to you or your relationships. And finally, it means that her feelings/desires/interests don't matter if they don't fit the image.

You end up with someone who second-guesses every reaction she has to any situation, and eventually shuts out emotions in favor of anxiety. And then you get cutting.

It's a kind of perfectionism combined with a parenting problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am at wits end over this.

DW likes to pretend everything is find, and make everything look like it is perfect at home. But, sometimes it is not. And there are time/places when it is ok to let people into our chaos (in my opinion).

Our DD is in crisis. Cutting and a half-hearted suicide attempt recently. We are getting her the help. First, DW did not want to inform anyone at the school what was going on. Eventually. we agreed that we would talk to her counselor now, and teachers on a need to know basis. But, when the need pops up, she does not want to explain why our child is having troubles while asking for compassion. I had written a long email to one of her teachers (who needed to know something is going on) outlining that DD is in crisis, the duration of the crisis, and how we are trying to help her -- 3 days a weak in an intensive program where she does not get home until 8 PM. And what I was asking from the teacher was not for a change in grade, but to look at the body of work (and not just the test scores) in assigning next year's class. DW accuses me of over sharing then gets angry and shuts down.

But, the worst happens at family night in the intensive program. We are in a group setting. Everyone there has a kid in some degree of crisis. I am talking, referring to our child's cutting and she says people do not need to know it. Well, it is relevant.

Our life is not unicorns and rainbows. It is ok to admit it.

Two things:

1) Like the PP says, denial is a very real thing for parents with children who are struggling with mental health problems. Doesn't make what your wife is doing okay and definitely shows your daughter that at least your wife prefers to hide the problem than ask for help, but it isn't just her - a lot of parents do this.

2) To an extent, oversharing details of what your family is going through may not be helpful for your DD in the long run. Working with the school to support your daughter so that she doesn't miss too much work is great. Sharing in group is great. Sharing outside therapeutic settings and to people who aren't in a position to help your child opens you to the possibility of looky-loos who just want to enjoy the drama. If I had to guess, I would imagine that your wife believes that your daughter will recover from her current crisis and have "a normal life" and does not want to jeopardize that by sharing the extent of the crisis. Again. Not saying that she's in the right, but it helps me to put these things in a more sympathetic context.

3) You are doing the right stuff. Mental health problems are exhausting and terrifying. Keep going to counseling. Make sure your wife keeps going to counseling. Bring up her refusal to address the situation in counseling and try to figure out what is motivating her to be so obstructive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. She is actively sabotaging your child's health and recovery by masking the situation, when calling meetings and asking the school for services and accommodations could help your daughter have a successful school experience despite her challenges.

2. Therefore, you have to act in your child's best interest and take over. Be very clear and direct with her that she is denial, must seek psychological help herself and that in the meantime, you will do whatever is necessary to get your daughter help. Not talking to the neighbors, but the school counselor and asking what accommodations could be put in place. Big difference.

3. My son was born with special needs, I had to mourn what might have been pretty early on. However, with an IEP in school and the right program, he is taking advanced classes and getting straight As in middle school. I did a ton of research myself because my husband was like your wife, and took the lead on everything. Marriage can get very tricky when spouses don't agree on a child's treatment.

This is a very different situation.

It's not, and that was my point: public school systems have behavioral and mental health support that can be put in place for the students who need it. Those are special needs, too! But if OP doesn't ask, nothing is ever going to be offered.

This is the whole problem with mental health and special needs - for a portion of the population, it's so taboo that they don't even know there is help available.

I would encourage you to post about your child's needs on the special needs forum, OP. You will perhaps get more useful advice than here. You are now in treatment mode, not "my wife is sabotaging us" mode. Forget about your wife. Focus on what your child needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is how your wife generally operates, your daughter's therapist needs to know.

This is how my household operated growing up, and in addition to driving me to anorexia, it did a major number on my ability to have genuine relationships of any kind.

The message she is receiving is that what is most important is the image the world sees. This means that it doesn't matter how awful anyone is in the privacy of the home (in fact, that's where awfulness should live so as to make sure everyone is doing what they need to do to maintain the image). It also means you achieve that image by any means necessary, no matter how damaging it might be to you or your relationships. And finally, it means that her feelings/desires/interests don't matter if they don't fit the image.

You end up with someone who second-guesses every reaction she has to any situation, and eventually shuts out emotions in favor of anxiety. And then you get cutting.

It's a kind of perfectionism combined with a parenting problem.

This. Get your wife some counseling or do family counseling.

[Anonymous]

As a teacher, I need to know that things are going on outside of school, though I don't need to know details or specifics.

"Larla is currently battling depression and getting help from an outside therapist. Please be gentle with her in class, as she is fragile right now" is plenty of information. The counselor and school psychologist may need more, but you don't need paragraphs for the classroom teacher. By high school, the daughter should have some say in what/how information is shared. As the parent, you choose to tell--but let her decide if she wants to share more than the essential information or not.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps she has the fear is that this will "get out" to the wrong people--the gossips or people who don't need to hear it.

Assure her that you do not talk about this issue to friends, or anyone who is not a professional who is invested in your child's well-being. Assure her you are speaking confidentially to only health and school professionals and in the closed group setting (which is meant for therapy) and you aren't talking to anyone else.

[Anonymous]

I am with your wife. I don't share negative (or positive) with strangers unless it is forced. You don't have to be the same in your approach. I suggest to find a strategy for you both to allow each to operate in your preferred way.

[Anonymous]

This is my mother in law. My SIL has had clear symptoms of mental illness all her life, but my MIL chose to ignore them to keep up appearances. Of course untreated mental illness turned into drug and alcohol addiction. MIL refused to involve anyone outside of the family (and barely involved other family members). She even hired a lawyer who didn't specialize in the type of law needed because it was her oldest friend and the only non family member she would have get involved. That didn't turn out well at all. Now SIL is chronically in and out of jail and MIL still refuses to get herself help because it would mean having to tell others her private business and she would rather keep up appearances.

As hard as it may be, your wife needs to involve others for the sake of getting your daughter the help she needs. My MIL has instead chosen a life of enabling and secrecy. She would rather have her life appear to be fine than have it actually be fine. It's a very sad situation. I hope your situation improves soon.

[Anonymous]

I would urge you to reconsider your confidence in what your wife objects to and why.

I don’t understand why you would write this long letter to your daughter’s teacher over class placement. Sounds like academics should be in the back seat for now, which is totally fine. Her crisis and its interference with her work might be a perfectly valid reason for a lower placement next year about which she should not be made to feel bad.

It just seems like you are locked into this very harsh and unfavorable position about your wife without considering that this is complicated and without assuming good faith on the part of your family, which you need to have in place. Class placement is important, but so is your daughter’s privacy. Try starting from a locked in premise that you both love your daughter and want what’s best for her, and work through your disagreements from there.

[Anonymous]

You sound really harsh OP. Maybe cut your wife some slack. It is hard when kids don't turn out as you envision they will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not inform the school of something like that. Teachers usually don't care and may let it slip out to other kids and it should be private. They are not in denial and child is getting help. School will not care. You will embarrass your daughter even more.

WTF teachers care a LOT. I can't speak for the "school" or the administration, but the TEACHERS CARE. I'm sorry you feel otherwise.

Sure, a few may care but they don't have the time or interest in truly helping. And, you get one bad teacher who will blab it or hold it against the child when it comes time for recommendations. If the school wanted to help they would have noticed the child needed help and was supportive. Schools are factories now and cannot worry about the individual child. This isn't information to share. You get your child the help they need and only reach out to the school if absolutely necessary.

PP with a child who cuts here. That is not my experience. Every single teacher and counselor was kind, caring and helpful. Some are more experienced than others, but no one was a jerk. Even the principal and several of the assistant principals contact me frequently, often on the weekend, to see how my son is doing.

And, seriously, it's not like you can keep psychiatric hospitalizations or partial hospitalizations a secret. Kids ask your kid why they were out. Teachers ask what they should tell other kids when they ask. Plus, when you're looking for services and accommodations through the IEP process, this sort of thing comes up.

[Anonymous]

She's denying it because she can't handle the reality. She may need as much help as your DD because DD's issue's may be caused by her mother not taking her problems seriously.

[Anonymous]

I'd say this in group. Bust her ass and let the chips fall. She needs a reality check.

I'm as private as they come but I'd be honest with teachers, professionals and group. I wouldn't share with friends/family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say this in group. Bust her ass and let the chips fall. She needs a reality check.

I'm as private as they come but I'd be honest with teachers, professionals and group. I wouldn't share with friends/family.

I am the opposite: I share with friends. Teachers and group - no. Professionals - partially. I didn't have good experience with teachers or professionals or strangers.

[Anonymous]

Your wife may be trying to protect your daughter so she will have a better future. Once information like this gets out into the school and/or community, everybody knows about it. Not good for her future, friendships, inclusion into positive groups for activities. She may find herself shunned by other families and peers. You seem perhaps too eager to share with everyone. There is a middle ground, where those who can help in terms of therapeutic relationships should be aware, but shouldn’t be common knowledge among the teachers/students/community as will haunt your child in the future. No way I would write a three page letter to a random teacher - your job as a parent is to protect your daughter and intervene to keep her safe and healthy. You need to be more protective of your daughter’s reputation and her privacy/reputation for her future good.