My wife wants to present to the world that everything is perfect

[Anonymous]

I am at wits end over this.

DW likes to pretend everything is find, and make everything look like it is perfect at home. But, sometimes it is not. And there are time/places when it is ok to let people into our chaos (in my opinion).

Our DD is in crisis. Cutting and a half-hearted suicide attempt recently. We are getting her the help. First, DW did not want to inform anyone at the school what was going on. Eventually. we agreed that we would talk to her counselor now, and teachers on a need to know basis. But, when the need pops up, she does not want to explain why our child is having troubles while asking for compassion. I had written a long email to one of her teachers (who needed to know something is going on) outlining that DD is in crisis, the duration of the crisis, and how we are trying to help her -- 3 days a weak in an intensive program where she does not get home until 8 PM. And what I was asking from the teacher was not for a change in grade, but to look at the body of work (and not just the test scores) in assigning next year's class. DW accuses me of over sharing then gets angry and shuts down.

But, the worst happens at family night in the intensive program. We are in a group setting. Everyone there has a kid in some degree of crisis. I am talking, referring to our child's cutting and she says people do not need to know it. Well, it is relevant.

Our life is not unicorns and rainbows. It is ok to admit it.

[Anonymous]

Denial is a strong reaction in cases like this.

If this is typical of her outlook on life generally, it might explain why your dd is in crisis.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Your wife probably feels like a failure, and is embarrassed that everything isn't unicorns and rainbows. She blames herself. It is, of course, ok to admit that. And people will actually like you better for it. But it is so so difficult for some people (myself included). Have compassion and empathy for her as best you can, but also, yes, you can share as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. Your wife probably feels like a failure, and is embarrassed that everything isn't unicorns and rainbows. She blames herself. It is, of course, ok to admit that. And people will actually like you better for it. But it is so so difficult for some people (myself included). Have compassion and empathy for her as best you can, but also, yes, you can share as needed.

np. I agree with this pp. I also want to add. How was her home life growing up? Was she taught by her parents to never tell others how her family life was because than you are "betraying" your family? This is common with alcoholic/abusive parents and it might be playing a part. If she was taught to never express her true feelings it might be really difficult to start now.

Maybe you could suggest individual counseling for her. It is hard to keep up appearances especially when life is anything but.

I'm sorry that your DD is in pain and your family is going through difficult times. You are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP, sounds like you wife need to talk through this with someone.
Just like when parents feel proud about kids' accomplishments, we feel responsibility for difficulties too. Sounds like you wife if feeling shame and embarrassment, she will need to make sense of her feelings before being able to really help your daughter. She will likely feel anger at your when you suggest it, maybe someone at family night can suggest someone.
Good luck to you all.

[Anonymous]

When my daughter had this same problem last year, I pulled her out of school and had her put on homebound studies. The school sent her work and a teacher to our home. Your wife is in denial, but denial does not fix the problem. People need to know that she's in crisis. When she went back, her teachers knew to watch and to make sure that she wasn't cutting in class, because that was obviously a warning sign that she couldn't handle it. She did, and had to be pulled out again. I asked many people for help, because it was a situation that I needed help with because I was dying inside, watching my daughter hurt so badly, sleepless nights because I kept checking on her to make sure that she was still alive, hospitalizations, mental facilities, therapies.....this is what I walked her through, and without help and emotional support from others, I would have gone crazy. I have PTSD, so it's harder on me than it is on someone who doesn't already have their own mental struggles. Your wife needs to wake up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Some people do not like to share their struggles, OP. It's actually very common. I couldn't be like that OP, and people are usually nothing but sympathetic when you tell them about something going on with your child. When you open up, people open up in return and talk about their struggles and then you don't feel so alone.

[Anonymous]

I could write your post. My son is in crisis and my wife doesn't want anyone to know either. If it were something other than mental health, she would easily talk about it to her side of the family, friends, and others. But because it's mental health, it's like we shouldn't talk about it. I, on the other hand, am more of a sharer, what to get every support and service possible for our son and need the support of my family and friends to get through this. I wouldn't post it on facebook or anything like that. But, I can't see the point of trying to keep it in the closet. In our house, we agree to disagree on this. I will not discuss around her family, but I will not avoid talking about it to mine and I will talk with my friends and the school. It's driving me crazy because I hate the stigma she is attaching to it.

[Anonymous]

There is a balance. There is obviously a huge stigma against mental illness, and in some ways this isn't you and your wife's secret to share. If your daughter is uncomfortable with anyone at school knowing what is going on, then you should try to respect her privacy as much as possible while keeping her safe.
I am not sure that contacting all of her teachers to let them know that she is in an intensive outpatient program is a good idea. In an ideal world, they would be understanding and sympathetic to what your child is going through. In real life, teachers are human and not usually well informed about mental illness. they may gossip with each other, see her as a behavior problem, or even be angry with her.
I think that you and your wife may be doing that thing couples do where you make each other more extreme. Of course not talking about your daughters illness when you are in a group intended to share these feelings is silly. But so is telling everyone that your child comes into contact with in the name of support.

[Anonymous]

1. She is actively sabotaging your child's health and recovery by masking the situation, when calling meetings and asking the school for services and accommodations could help your daughter have a successful school experience despite her challenges.

2. Therefore, you have to act in your child's best interest and take over. Be very clear and direct with her that she is denial, must seek psychological help herself and that in the meantime, you will do whatever is necessary to get your daughter help. Not talking to the neighbors, but the school counselor and asking what accommodations could be put in place. Big difference.

3. My son was born with special needs, I had to mourn what might have been pretty early on. However, with an IEP in school and the right program, he is taking advanced classes and getting straight As in middle school. I did a ton of research myself because my husband was like your wife, and took the lead on everything. Marriage can get very tricky when spouses don't agree on a child's treatment.

[Anonymous]

I would not inform the school of something like that. Teachers usually don't care and may let it slip out to other kids and it should be private. They are not in denial and child is getting help. School will not care. You will embarrass your daughter even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not inform the school of something like that. Teachers usually don't care and may let it slip out to other kids and it should be private. They are not in denial and child is getting help. School will not care. You will embarrass your daughter even more.

Are you kidding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not inform the school of something like that. Teachers usually don't care and may let it slip out to other kids and it should be private. They are not in denial and child is getting help. School will not care. You will embarrass your daughter even more.

WTF teachers care a LOT. I can't speak for the "school" or the administration, but the TEACHERS CARE. I'm sorry you feel otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not inform the school of something like that. Teachers usually don't care and may let it slip out to other kids and it should be private. They are not in denial and child is getting help. School will not care. You will embarrass your daughter even more.

WTF teachers care a LOT. I can't speak for the "school" or the administration, but the TEACHERS CARE. I'm sorry you feel otherwise.

Sure, a few may care but they don't have the time or interest in truly helping. And, you get one bad teacher who will blab it or hold it against the child when it comes time for recommendations. If the school wanted to help they would have noticed the child needed help and was supportive. Schools are factories now and cannot worry about the individual child. This isn't information to share. You get your child the help they need and only reach out to the school if absolutely necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
1. She is actively sabotaging your child's health and recovery by masking the situation, when calling meetings and asking the school for services and accommodations could help your daughter have a successful school experience despite her challenges.

2. Therefore, you have to act in your child's best interest and take over. Be very clear and direct with her that she is denial, must seek psychological help herself and that in the meantime, you will do whatever is necessary to get your daughter help. Not talking to the neighbors, but the school counselor and asking what accommodations could be put in place. Big difference.

3. My son was born with special needs, I had to mourn what might have been pretty early on. However, with an IEP in school and the right program, he is taking advanced classes and getting straight As in middle school. I did a ton of research myself because my husband was like your wife, and took the lead on everything. Marriage can get very tricky when spouses don't agree on a child's treatment.

This is a very different situation.