My wife wants to present to the world that everything is perfect

[Anonymous]

She is feeling ashamed of herself. She doesn't want other people to know. She is not denying the situation. She just wants her privacy because she is feeling humiliated. That is my interpretation of the situation. She doesn't want anyone's pity, sympathy, attention, whatever. It may not seem rational to you or anyone else, but I would place a huge bet that this is what is going on with her. Your family is in crisis, not just your daughter. Your wife is also in crisis. This is just hard all around.

[Anonymous]

I know a lot of WASPY people like OP's wife.

In short, it's a case of selfishness and self interest. OP's wife/mother of his child-in-crisis seeks to preserve her social standing and outward appearance above the best interests of her daughter. She cares more about how other people see her than what is going on internally for her kid.

I would not be surprised if this selfish behavior is part of or even THE cause of the cutting and problematic behaviors in the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am at wits end over this.

DW likes to pretend everything is find, and make everything look like it is perfect at home. But, sometimes it is not. And there are time/places when it is ok to let people into our chaos (in my opinion).

Our DD is in crisis. Cutting and a half-hearted suicide attempt recently. We are getting her the help. First, DW did not want to inform anyone at the school what was going on. Eventually. we agreed that we would talk to her counselor now, and teachers on a need to know basis. But, when the need pops up, she does not want to explain why our child is having troubles while asking for compassion. I had written a long email to one of her teachers (who needed to know something is going on) outlining that DD is in crisis, the duration of the crisis, and how we are trying to help her -- 3 days a weak in an intensive program where she does not get home until 8 PM. And what I was asking from the teacher was not for a change in grade, but to look at the body of work (and not just the test scores) in assigning next year's class. DW accuses me of over sharing then gets angry and shuts down.

But, the worst happens at family night in the intensive program. We are in a group setting. Everyone there has a kid in some degree of crisis. I am talking, referring to our child's cutting and she says people do not need to know it. Well, it is relevant.

Our life is not unicorns and rainbows. It is ok to admit it.

Two things:

1) Like the PP says, denial is a very real thing for parents with children who are struggling with mental health problems. Doesn't make what your wife is doing okay and definitely shows your daughter that at least your wife prefers to hide the problem than ask for help, but it isn't just her - a lot of parents do this.

2) To an extent, oversharing details of what your family is going through may not be helpful for your DD in the long run. Working with the school to support your daughter so that she doesn't miss too much work is great. Sharing in group is great. Sharing outside therapeutic settings and to people who aren't in a position to help your child opens you to the possibility of looky-loos who just want to enjoy the drama. If I had to guess, I would imagine that your wife believes that your daughter will recover from her current crisis and have "a normal life" and does not want to jeopardize that by sharing the extent of the crisis. Again. Not saying that she's in the right, but it helps me to put these things in a more sympathetic context.

3) You are doing the right stuff. Mental health problems are exhausting and terrifying. Keep going to counseling. Make sure your wife keeps going to counseling. Bring up her refusal to address the situation in counseling and try to figure out what is motivating her to be so obstructive.

Families of kids with significant illnesses need support too. Op needs to be able to access his own support from family and friends. his daughter is in crisis and in treatment. He should be expected to act like everything is perfect outside of group and counseling. It is also his life impacted and having supports around will be what helps him continue to cope and manage during this. If a kid is in hospital / crisis for a physical issue - people rally and support and bring food and help with other kids and drive and offer all kinds of support. Parents need no less support during a mental health crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of WASPY people like OP's wife.

In short, it's a case of selfishness and self interest. OP's wife/mother of his child-in-crisis seeks to preserve her social standing and outward appearance above the best interests of her daughter. She cares more about how other people see her than what is going on internally for her kid.

I would not be surprised if this selfish behavior is part of or even THE cause of the cutting and problematic behaviors in the child.

Oh please! You are so mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of WASPY people like OP's wife.

In short, it's a case of selfishness and self interest. OP's wife/mother of his child-in-crisis seeks to preserve her social standing and outward appearance above the best interests of her daughter. She cares more about how other people see her than what is going on internally for her kid.

I would not be surprised if this selfish behavior is part of or even THE cause of the cutting and problematic behaviors in the child.

Oh please! You are so mean.

Mean to point out selfish women who sacrifice the well being of their loved ones for some social bullsh*t? Let me guess, you're one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of WASPY people like OP's wife.

In short, it's a case of selfishness and self interest. OP's wife/mother of his child-in-crisis seeks to preserve her social standing and outward appearance above the best interests of her daughter. She cares more about how other people see her than what is going on internally for her kid.

I would not be surprised if this selfish behavior is part of or even THE cause of the cutting and problematic behaviors in the child.

This describes my MIL but we’re Jewish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of WASPY people like OP's wife.

In short, it's a case of selfishness and self interest. OP's wife/mother of his child-in-crisis seeks to preserve her social standing and outward appearance above the best interests of her daughter. She cares more about how other people see her than what is going on internally for her kid.

I would not be surprised if this selfish behavior is part of or even THE cause of the cutting and problematic behaviors in the child.

This describes my MIL but we’re Jewish.

Definitely not limited to WASPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of WASPY people like OP's wife.

In short, it's a case of selfishness and self interest. OP's wife/mother of his child-in-crisis seeks to preserve her social standing and outward appearance above the best interests of her daughter. She cares more about how other people see her than what is going on internally for her kid.

I would not be surprised if this selfish behavior is part of or even THE cause of the cutting and problematic behaviors in the child.

Oh please! You are so mean.

Mean to point out selfish women who sacrifice the well being of their loved ones for some social bullsh*t? Let me guess, you're one of them.

DP. Extra sharing can also mean harm. OP is ready to shout to the whole world. Long email to a teacher does not make sense at all. If he went to talk to the teacher, I would have a different opinion.

[Anonymous]

"Families of kids with significant illnesses need support too. Op needs to be able to access his own support from family and friends. his daughter is in crisis and in treatment."

This! 100x over. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, OP. It is terrible enough to deal with without getting the support of your spouse to help your child. I wish you the very best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of WASPY people like OP's wife.

In short, it's a case of selfishness and self interest. OP's wife/mother of his child-in-crisis seeks to preserve her social standing and outward appearance above the best interests of her daughter. She cares more about how other people see her than what is going on internally for her kid.

I would not be surprised if this selfish behavior is part of or even THE cause of the cutting and problematic behaviors in the child.

Oh please! You are so mean.

Mean to point out selfish women who sacrifice the well being of their loved ones for some social bullsh*t? Let me guess, you're one of them.

You are mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of WASPY people like OP's wife.

In short, it's a case of selfishness and self interest. OP's wife/mother of his child-in-crisis seeks to preserve her social standing and outward appearance above the best interests of her daughter. She cares more about how other people see her than what is going on internally for her kid.

I would not be surprised if this selfish behavior is part of or even THE cause of the cutting and problematic behaviors in the child.

Oh please! You are so mean.

Mean to point out selfish women who sacrifice the well being of their loved ones for some social bullsh*t? Let me guess, you're one of them.

You are mean.

You just don't like it when people call out your selfish behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of WASPY people like OP's wife.

In short, it's a case of selfishness and self interest. OP's wife/mother of his child-in-crisis seeks to preserve her social standing and outward appearance above the best interests of her daughter. She cares more about how other people see her than what is going on internally for her kid.

I would not be surprised if this selfish behavior is part of or even THE cause of the cutting and problematic behaviors in the child.

Oh please! You are so mean.

Mean to point out selfish women who sacrifice the well being of their loved ones for some social bullsh*t? Let me guess, you're one of them.

DP. Extra sharing can also mean harm. OP is ready to shout to the whole world. Long email to a teacher does not make sense at all. If he went to talk to the teacher, I would have a different opinion.

Did you even read the OP? Even assuming that Op is over sharing with the teacher (which he is not) Op's wife doesn't even want to discuss how much to share. She just shuts down. She is definitely putting her own needs above her daughter's.

Not to mention the support group thing. Wtf?

Dysfunctional, cowardly, and selfish.

I would override her, OP. At this point, your DD comes first. Let your wife throw her hissy fits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of WASPY people like OP's wife.

In short, it's a case of selfishness and self interest. OP's wife/mother of his child-in-crisis seeks to preserve her social standing and outward appearance above the best interests of her daughter. She cares more about how other people see her than what is going on internally for her kid.

I would not be surprised if this selfish behavior is part of or even THE cause of the cutting and problematic behaviors in the child.

Oh please! You are so mean.

Mean to point out selfish women who sacrifice the well being of their loved ones for some social bullsh*t? Let me guess, you're one of them.

You are mean.

You just don't like it when people call out your selfish behavior.

This would maybe happen in group therapy (if she ever went) and it would be a good thing. PP is right.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have been busy all day, and this is the first time back at the computer since 7:30 AM.

A couple of comments: I am trying to get the teacher to understand that part of her degraded performance is resulting from the time required for the intensive therapy, and rather than staying up late to do the pre-calc homework, get sleep, and possibly take a lower grade. But, she wants to take Calc AB next year. We are trying to reduce the pressure that she puts on herself.

We will talk in more detail to her guidance counselor. She seems to care.

The first sign of problem was when her grades dropped; her chemistry teacher was the first to notice something was wrong (she had been getting all A's in chem, and did *bad* on a test. She asked DD what was wrong...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is feeling ashamed of herself. She doesn't want other people to know. She is not denying the situation. She just wants her privacy because she is feeling humiliated. That is my interpretation of the situation. She doesn't want anyone's pity, sympathy, attention, whatever. It may not seem rational to you or anyone else, but I would place a huge bet that this is what is going on with her. Your family is in crisis, not just your daughter. Your wife is also in crisis. This is just hard all around.

This is a very insightful post. Shame is a very paralyzingly, humiliating, disturbing emotion and most of us don't even know how to deal with it.

You are a family in crisis and it would help to gently confront the shame your DW is feeling in an empathetic way.