Reply to Just don't really care

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[quote=Anonymous]Married over 25 years and had some ups and downs on this issue over the years.  OP, the most troubling thing I see is when you say that you think your wife thinks the marriage is good and that you are scared to be honest with her because of how painful and upsetting it will be.  You HAVE to tell her where you are on this if you are ever going to get back to having a real marriage.  It is not good for anyone for this to be eating at the base of your love for her until you leave and/or cheat.  You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that you do not think that you can remain in this marriage without things becoming intimate between you again the way they used to be.  (I note that you said that it got bad before pregnancy #1 so I do wonder why you didn't work on it then before you had 2 more kids with her).  You don't have to be gratuitously mean, but share your real feelings, including the bad ones so that she can really know what you are feeling.  Tell her that you feel unloved when she doesn't have sex with you (that's what really going on here, isn't it).  Whether she cries or not, keep talking about this until you both have agreed on doing something about this (and not just her saying she'll do better).

Also, as someone who has struggled at times as the lower drive spouse, one thing that really helped us was for me to be honest that there are sometimes I will be 100% into it physically  but there may be sometimes that I am not but that I really want to be with him anyway.  Once he let go of needing me to always be 100% into it, i felt less pressure and it just made things so much better.  Now we are steady at least once a week and most of the time I am into it but if I am less enthusiastic it's not a big deal and no one gets their feelings hurt since he knows that it's just me and next time will likely be more engaged.[/quote]

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