Are dead bedrooms inevitable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want more, and more interesting, sex than my husband does. I was recently out with other mom friends and all confirmed that bed death was primarily the spouse's lack of interest. All had directly spoken to their spouses and been told it was just that there's so little time for other stuff (friends, TV, basically "me time") and sex is less of a priority than those things. We are all married to introverts and I agree that sex can be work (for me, too) so I get it but it's sad.

Same here!! I'm in my late 30s, most of my good friends are around my age and our kids are elementary school age. Almost all of us are sexually unsatisfied in our marriages, and until we made this discovery we're individually suffering a lot of shame feeling like there was something wrong with us, that we wanted it more than they did

I find the "All had directly spoken to their spouses" very hard to believe. In any event its women you hear constantly saying there is no time, I am so stressed, tired and so forth. You both may have a circle of rare friends. If you are willing and make time, there is something wrong with him, not you. A lot of women seem want more interesting sex but do nothing to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a great husband, does a lot, cares about me, doesn't slack off. I STILL don't find sex with him interesting any longer. I do it -- very regularly! -- but the biological idea that women get bored and want somebody new more than men do resonates with me.

I'm happy in my marriage -- as a co parenting, co living situation. Do I find my husband attractive, sexy, interesting? No. But this is mostly not his fault.

I could have written this post, except I still find my partner attractive. I see sex with him as more of a chore.

Some chores are worth doing so are you regularly doing your wifely duty? If not, I suspect he finds monogamy to be a similar chore that's not worth doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a great husband, does a lot, cares about me, doesn't slack off. I STILL don't find sex with him interesting any longer. I do it -- very regularly! -- but the biological idea that women get bored and want somebody new more than men do resonates with me.

I'm happy in my marriage -- as a co parenting, co living situation. Do I find my husband attractive, sexy, interesting? No. But this is mostly not his fault.

I could have written this post, except I still find my partner attractive. I see sex with him as more of a chore.

Some chores are worth doing so are you regularly doing your wifely duty? If not, I suspect he finds monogamy to be a similar chore that's not worth doing.

Oh yes I put on my happy face and regularly do my duty. I am just not that interested anymore and like the other poster the article resonated with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have a great husband, does a lot, cares about me, doesn't slack off. I STILL don't find sex with him interesting any longer. I do it -- very regularly! -- but the biological idea that women get bored and want somebody new more than men do resonates with me.

I'm happy in my marriage -- as a co parenting, co living situation. Do I find my husband attractive, sexy, interesting? No. But this is mostly not his fault.

Agreed. You could be my wife. Aside from me being a good partner and father, objectively, I am a "high value" male: ultra fit, top 1% income, lots of friends, other women show interest, etc. So I no longer take it personally that "she" does not find me sexy. It's not her fault, it is just how women are wired. Like you, we still have regular sex, and I graciously accept her "gift" since I still have an active interest in sex.

PP, is there anything your H could do to improve your desire? I would seriously consider issuing her permanent hall pass, it would be worth it if she would bring some of that excitement back into our bedroom.

Wife here. Not experiencing bed death yet, but we’ve only been together 8 years. I get turned on when I observe other women interested in DH and flirt with him (I have to witness the threat firsthand). And when we spend a good amount of time apart, like 4 days or more. Or if someone is flirting with me, I can take that energy home to him. Otherwise I need to turn to my own resources to get turned on for him. Monogamy is hard, no two ways about it!

You, PP in blue, have more going for you than my DH (I'm the OP in Red). My DH could get fit (he's quite out of shape, and I find it a turn-off). I'd like him to be better groomed, but requests sometimes go unheaded, and I'm uncomfortable dictating his grooming habits. Money, we are not in the to 1% of income, but I don't expect that to happen anytime soon, our income is adequate. He's intelligent, well read, and well spoken. A hall pass would be interesting and lovely, but we flirted with open marriage idea but he really was uncomfortable with that idea, and didn't want to go there.

I have an active interest in sex. Just not so much with my husband. I do try to be grateful everyday for what I have -- a thoughtful, caring partner! -- but you know, that doesn't get women wet. What do I want? Yeah, an open relationship would be great, but dangerous. I'm not certain I wouldn't fall in love with the other person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have a great husband, does a lot, cares about me, doesn't slack off. I STILL don't find sex with him interesting any longer. I do it -- very regularly! -- but the biological idea that women get bored and want somebody new more than men do resonates with me.

I'm happy in my marriage -- as a co parenting, co living situation. Do I find my husband attractive, sexy, interesting? No. But this is mostly not his fault.

Agreed. You could be my wife. Aside from me being a good partner and father, objectively, I am a "high value" male: ultra fit, top 1% income, lots of friends, other women show interest, etc. So I no longer take it personally that "she" does not find me sexy. It's not her fault, it is just how women are wired. Like you, we still have regular sex, and I graciously accept her "gift" since I still have an active interest in sex.

PP, is there anything your H could do to improve your desire? I would seriously consider issuing her permanent hall pass, it would be worth it if she would bring some of that excitement back into our bedroom.

Wife here. Not experiencing bed death yet, but we’ve only been together 8 years. I get turned on when I observe other women interested in DH and flirt with him (I have to witness the threat firsthand). And when we spend a good amount of time apart, like 4 days or more. Or if someone is flirting with me, I can take that energy home to him. Otherwise I need to turn to my own resources to get turned on for him. Monogamy is hard, no two ways about it!

You, PP in blue, have more going for you than my DH (I'm the OP in Red). My DH could get fit (he's quite out of shape, and I find it a turn-off). I'd like him to be better groomed, but requests sometimes go unheaded, and I'm uncomfortable dictating his grooming habits. Money, we are not in the to 1% of income, but I don't expect that to happen anytime soon, our income is adequate. He's intelligent, well read, and well spoken. A hall pass would be interesting and lovely, but we flirted with open marriage idea but he really was uncomfortable with that idea, and didn't want to go there.

I have an active interest in sex. Just not so much with my husband. I do try to be grateful everyday for what I have -- a thoughtful, caring partner! -- but you know, that doesn't get women wet. What do I want? Yeah, an open relationship would be great, but dangerous. I'm not certain I wouldn't fall in love with the other person.

Further proof no matter what a woman ever says, they do not "want" a nice, stable, loyal guy they think wont leave. Only an idiot would go for an open marriage. What kind of deal is that? Some one bangs her sends her home and you get to deal with the daily nonsense that comes with marriage. Now swinging might work , win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want more, and more interesting, sex than my husband does. I was recently out with other mom friends and all confirmed that bed death was primarily the spouse's lack of interest. All had directly spoken to their spouses and been told it was just that there's so little time for other stuff (friends, TV, basically "me time") and sex is less of a priority than those things. We are all married to introverts and I agree that sex can be work (for me, too) so I get it but it's sad.

Same here!! I'm in my late 30s, most of my good friends are around my age and our kids are elementary school age. Almost all of us are sexually unsatisfied in our marriages, and until we made this discovery we're individually suffering a lot of shame feeling like there was something wrong with us, that we wanted it more than they did

I find the "All had directly spoken to their spouses" very hard to believe. In any event its women you hear constantly saying there is no time, I am so stressed, tired and so forth. You both may have a circle of rare friends. If you are willing and make time, there is something wrong with him, not you. A lot of women seem want more interesting sex but do nothing to make it happen.

Immediate PP, are you a man?

[Anonymous]

The “problem” is that men are limited creatures. A woman can be passionate and fun, while also working hard at a job, and be good mother and pull more than her fair share of the weight around the house. A man, however, cannot walk and chew gum. The men who bring home good checks think that exempts them from housework. The men who are good in bed think they should get to be assholes. A man who does even a little close to his fair share and is a devoted father will let himself get fat and will be resentful that he is so put-upon.

The result is that men are overall unattractive creatures. The trade-offs a woman has to make for a good, stable man are many. Over time, the resentment and tedium associated with being with such a limited creature will wear on the wife. And nothing brings home what lazy, overall selfish creatures men are than having children and watching these goons shirk.

A dead bed is the result in many cases of lack of desire due to anger and lack of respect that result when one half of a couple is really doing only 3/10 things, at most, needed to make the family and relationship work. Men would rather die than face this because facing it would require rising to the occasion every day and they don’t want to.

—Sex therapist

[Anonymous]

By the way, what I wrote above is why chores are so important in a relationship. For 99% of women, as respect for the man dies, so does sexual desire. Pulling your weight around the house, showing initiative, and parenting (instead of acting like a mother’s helper) are all ways of earning back a wife’s respect.

When women come to me complaining their husbands have lost desire, I advise losing weight, dressing better, spicing up the bedroom, getting some fun hobbies to share with DH. And they listen. When men come to me complaining their wife gives them the same look she gives moldy bread, I ask them how the balance of work is around the house. Those who make excuses get told I am not taking on new clients. Those who respond honestly get to brainstorm a list of ways in which they can help out more. After doing that, we discuss how to approach a woman in a masculine, sexy way. The day your wife wakes up to a clean kitchen with you vacuuming and the kids taken care of, she will realize she has free time and those panties will be wet.

—Sex therapist

[Anonymous]

Ha! So choreplay is what gets panties wet? The previous women posters, sexually attracted to males all around (except for dear hubby), you think strange men have been getting them hot by washing dishes and vacuuming? Oh, wait. So those ladies just dying for an open marriage, they can get horny for random d$ck (choreplay not required) but the HUSBAND turns her right off... unless he does enough dishes!! And if I’m not mistaken, several women on this thread bluntly admitted their husbands pull their weight and still they weren’t interested.

Sorry I’m not buying your tale, sex therapist. Here’s an idea: men, if wife’s not interested, inform her not to wait up on Friday nights: from now on you will be out on sex dates. Boom, problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a great husband, does a lot, cares about me, doesn't slack off. I STILL don't find sex with him interesting any longer. I do it -- very regularly! -- but the biological idea that women get bored and want somebody new more than men do resonates with me.

I'm happy in my marriage -- as a co parenting, co living situation. Do I find my husband attractive, sexy, interesting? No. But this is mostly not his fault.

I could have written this post, except I still find my partner attractive. I see sex with him as more of a chore.

Some chores are worth doing so are you regularly doing your wifely duty? If not, I suspect he finds monogamy to be a similar chore that's not worth doing.

Oh yes I put on my happy face and regularly do my duty. I am just not that interested anymore and like the other poster the article resonated with me.

God, you are all whiners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The “problem” is that men are limited creatures. A woman can be passionate and fun, while also working hard at a job, and be good mother and pull more than her fair share of the weight around the house. A man, however, cannot walk and chew gum. The men who bring home good checks think that exempts them from housework. The men who are good in bed think they should get to be assholes. A man who does even a little close to his fair share and is a devoted father will let himself get fat and will be resentful that he is so put-upon.

The result is that men are overall unattractive creatures. The trade-offs a woman has to make for a good, stable man are many. Over time, the resentment and tedium associated with being with such a limited creature will wear on the wife. And nothing brings home what lazy, overall selfish creatures men are than having children and watching these goons shirk.

A dead bed is the result in many cases of lack of desire due to anger and lack of respect that result when one half of a couple is really doing only 3/10 things, at most, needed to make the family and relationship work. Men would rather die than face this because facing it would require rising to the occasion every day and they don’t want to.

—Sex therapist

You must be a shitty therapist. Men did a pretty good job creating virtually everything you see, use and touch that separates you from cave people. Its ironic you mention fat, American women are the fattest humans on earth, as group. They dont even have to do their fair share they still get fat. So much for your super powers. The majority of women like you hyping the silly multitasking super person nonsense simple over blow minor accomplishments. The average American woman is basically a fat, poorly kept, frumpy, drama queen, a stereo type that is well known world wide, essentially a laughing stock.

The result is the average women has a very limited appeal life. A side from the rapidly accumulated massive fat deposits, tendency to be frumpy unfeminine creatures the hormonal time bomb of menopause hits. Making them biologically irrelevant to the species, in other words they serve no purpose from a biological stand point, a man may as well have married a manatee. Unlike a manatee the wife, is well aware of her decline in market value sexual, social and biological. To combat this realization and soften the blow of father times sledgehammer she projects her inadequacies. It is this stage where the true worthlessness of her value proposition shines. Laziness, sense of self-importance and over all selfishness are on full display. Over stating minor child like tasks, complaining and martyr syndrome are classic visible traits of the species at this stage. In a desperate attempt to retain relevance it does many simple tasks, many of which it does for itself as no ones else cares then presents it as a major sacrifice. The self-realization of its low value and being biologically useless a side from potential organ donation leads to a sexual retreat in many cases. The is often temporarily reversed if simulation is applied to make it feel attractive, young and biologically relevant if only briefly.

Dead bed is the result when the once vibrant creator can no longer deny they are now a sexual dollar menu item. Anger, bitterness, exaggerated value and effort they add accompanied by hormonal induced dry pie meet the unpleasant reality they have nothing to offer their spouse. Their dependence on the spouse for stability, consistency and security is threatened by their overall low value proposition. It is in this stage the guilt of being a net negative financial line item while their desirability has bottomed out it can no longer deny to itself it can not offer an equatable exchange to compensate what it consumes. Luckily for it, mans devoted nature often accommodates her and continues to treat well, despite her many negatives and hormonal changes that have effectively made her a non-woman. Mans desire to fornicate virtually anything as long it is available and easy lends to occasional sexual encounters with a creature he would have vomited at thought being seen with years earlier. Mans drive is similar to being very hungry, a filet mignon is preferable but a shitty vending machine pulled pork sandwich that is now his wife will do. The creature at this point has reached the end and final cycle the previous mentioned realizations are now undeniable, the over stating of effort to present value in the absence of any real marketable value is habitual, the hormonal equivalent of a sex change operation and being on the dollar menu of women has created a dynamic her fragile over inflated ego can will not accept. The result is years of whining, nagging and a delusional like sense of self until death grants her husband a pardon and his is grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a great husband, does a lot, cares about me, doesn't slack off. I STILL don't find sex with him interesting any longer. I do it -- very regularly! -- but the biological idea that women get bored and want somebody new more than men do resonates with me.

I'm happy in my marriage -- as a co parenting, co living situation. Do I find my husband attractive, sexy, interesting? No. But this is mostly not his fault.

I could have written this post, except I still find my partner attractive. I see sex with him as more of a chore.

Some chores are worth doing so are you regularly doing your wifely duty? If not, I suspect he finds monogamy to be a similar chore that's not worth doing.

Oh yes I put on my happy face and regularly do my duty. I am just not that interested anymore and like the other poster the article resonated with me.

God, you are all whiners.

Unfortunately it is a common trait among American women. That and being really fat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the way, what I wrote above is why chores are so important in a relationship. For 99% of women, as respect for the man dies, so does sexual desire. Pulling your weight around the house, showing initiative, and parenting (instead of acting like a mother’s helper) are all ways of earning back a wife’s respect.

When women come to me complaining their husbands have lost desire, I advise losing weight, dressing better, spicing up the bedroom, getting some fun hobbies to share with DH. And they listen. When men come to me complaining their wife gives them the same look she gives moldy bread, I ask them how the balance of work is around the house. Those who make excuses get told I am not taking on new clients. Those who respond honestly get to brainstorm a list of ways in which they can help out more. After doing that, we discuss how to approach a woman in a masculine, sexy way. The day your wife wakes up to a clean kitchen with you vacuuming and the kids taken care of, she will realize she has free time and those panties will be wet.

—Sex therapist

You are not a therapist stop the stupidity. By the way I do all those things, not for kiss ass sex or "respect" but because I am a grown up and I like organization am neat take care of my things. You kitchen and vacuum comment is stupid. If that were true you would be out of business because it is the standard advice in article on the topic. You are completely full of shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha! So choreplay is what gets panties wet? The previous women posters, sexually attracted to males all around (except for dear hubby), you think strange men have been getting them hot by washing dishes and vacuuming? Oh, wait. So those ladies just dying for an open marriage, they can get horny for random d$ck (choreplay not required) but the HUSBAND turns her right off... unless he does enough dishes!! And if I’m not mistaken, several women on this thread bluntly admitted their husbands pull their weight and still they weren’t interested.

Sorry I’m not buying your tale, sex therapist. Here’s an idea: men, if wife’s not interested, inform her not to wait up on Friday nights: from now on you will be out on sex dates. Boom, problem solved.

Studies show aggression and dominance get the greatest arousal response. Not physical but going after what you want decisively. The idea dish will do it stupid that pity sex, not arousal. The easiest and surest way to get/keep them on board is other women hover, may be the threat of another woman (woman actually hate each other and want to out do each other) or the fact woman always want what they think other women want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a great husband, does a lot, cares about me, doesn't slack off. I STILL don't find sex with him interesting any longer. I do it -- very regularly! -- but the biological idea that women get bored and want somebody new more than men do resonates with me.

I'm happy in my marriage -- as a co parenting, co living situation. Do I find my husband attractive, sexy, interesting? No. But this is mostly not his fault.

Heresy. I've been reading DCUM for a long time now, and have come to learn that lack of desire in a woman is always due to the man's failures.

Most men are more interested in sex than most women over the long haul. It's not men's failures, it's just that the obligation falls to the one who wants it more to make life more interesting. Learn to flirt over the cours of the day with touch, looks, words. My ex fought hard against the notion that I needed my flame stoked...'not fair I have to do all the work' he said. How's that working out for him now? He'll either learn to flirt or be whining 'not fair' again in a couple of years.