Are dead bedrooms inevitable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for 19 years. I still have a very high libido. For me sex is a stress relief. All of the things that make some women say no, seem to make me say yes. I always feel better afterwards, even if it’s just a quick five minutes.

+1

You ladies have Spontaneous desire. Good for you! That's more of a male experience and few women ever get that. The typical female experience is Responsive desire, which generally plummets once the relationship has been secured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was reading this today:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201709/the-quest-lust?collection=1105674

To the degree that a woman feels her libido is lacking, Team Psyche says it could be due to stress, anxiety, a history of trauma, poor body image, relationship problems, or just plain old monogamy—research shows that for women, each month of monogamous commitment is associated with a slight but steady decrease in desire. In contrast, for men, it holds more steady.

So, at some inevitable point, she will want sex less than he does, and perhaps even not at all. The best-case situation is that she has sex anyway because she loves him and wants to keep the marriage going. The worst-case situation is dead bedroom and eventually divorce.

Someone please tell me that this is wrong, and you've managed to keep the desire level strong for decades...

I'm very encouraged to hear this. Our society makes it sound as if not wanting to have sex is a sign of major trouble in a marriage. I honestly have zero desire to have sex with my husband anymore, but continue to do so for him. It seems so few women are willing to admit this and feel that something is seriously wrong if they no longer desire sex.

It is. " few women are willing to admit" of course if you are not having sex (assuming it is not a situation where both do not want sex) you are roommate, moved form a soecial place of a wife to an annoying liability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for 19 years. I still have a very high libido. For me sex is a stress relief. All of the things that make some women say no, seem to make me say yes. I always feel better afterwards, even if it’s just a quick five minutes.

+1

You ladies have Spontaneous desire. Good for you! That's more of a male experience and few women ever get that. The typical female experience is Responsive desire, which generally plummets once the relationship has been secured.

D you understand what responsive desire is? It is a desire that begins after sexual contact has started hence the name responsive. "Desire" or spontaneous desire declines after a relationship is secured in many cases. They wont admit it but once they become comfortable desire tends to wane, it doesn't help that most men become passive pushovers. Begging is very unattractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a great husband, does a lot, cares about me, doesn't slack off. I STILL don't find sex with him interesting any longer. I do it -- very regularly! -- but the biological idea that women get bored and want somebody new more than men do resonates with me.

I'm happy in my marriage -- as a co parenting, co living situation. Do I find my husband attractive, sexy, interesting? No. But this is mostly not his fault.

I could have written this post, except I still find my partner attractive. I see sex with him as more of a chore.

[Anonymous]

My ex husband would work long hours, do nothing around the house or help with the kids, and the. When we were in bed, do nothing until after I shut off the light to go to sleep and then he'd roll over into me and grind his dick into my butt, like that was going to turn me on or something. Yeah, no.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have a great husband, does a lot, cares about me, doesn't slack off. I STILL don't find sex with him interesting any longer. I do it -- very regularly! -- but the biological idea that women get bored and want somebody new more than men do resonates with me.

I'm happy in my marriage -- as a co parenting, co living situation. Do I find my husband attractive, sexy, interesting? No. But this is mostly not his fault. [/quote]

Agreed. You could be my wife. Aside from me being a good partner and father, objectively, I am a "high value" male: ultra fit, top 1% income, lots of friends, other women show interest, etc. So I no longer take it personally that "she" does not find me sexy. It's not her fault, it is just how women are wired. Like you, we still have regular sex, and I graciously accept her "gift" since I still have an active interest in sex.

PP, is there anything your H could do to improve your desire? I would seriously consider issuing her permanent hall pass, it would be worth it if she would bring some of that excitement back into our bedroom.[/quote]

Wife here. Not experiencing bed death yet, but we’ve only been together 8 years. I get turned on when I observe other women interested in DH and flirt with him (I have to witness the threat firsthand). And when we spend a good amount of time apart, like 4 days or more. Or if someone is flirting with me, I can take that energy home to him. Otherwise I need to turn to my own resources to get turned on for him. Monogamy is hard, no two ways about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think for some couples the desire remains fairly constant, with a dry spell here and there. They've won the marriage lottery, though, because I think for the vast majority, sex becomes just another part of the "hard work" that is marriage. You have sex because sex feels good, and you want to have sex, and this is the person you agreed to have sex with until one of you dies. Or you have sex because you love your partner, not because you desire them, but you want to keep them happy, or you're afraid they'll leave or find it elsewhere.

That's why it dies. Because it becomes work, and eventually no amount of date nights and "choosing each other" can bring it back to life. So you end up with either a fully dead bedroom, or an undead one where you have a kind of zombie sex that's just going through the motions.

Amen. I only wish we knew this when we became married. After kids too many things happen in the day and we forgot to put our sex lives FIRST. I know that is when I feel truly connected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a great husband, does a lot, cares about me, doesn't slack off. I STILL don't find sex with him interesting any longer. I do it -- very regularly! -- but the biological idea that women get bored and want somebody new more than men do resonates with me.

I'm happy in my marriage -- as a co parenting, co living situation. Do I find my husband attractive, sexy, interesting? No. But this is mostly not his fault.

That's not true, saying men don't lose desire or get bored as easily is not the same as saying they want somebody new less. He probably feels the same, but the drive just to have sex is stronger. Being a "good husband" is boring to a lot of women. That's probably why so many keep chasing people that treat them like crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband does zero four play. He expects sex but won't give me a massage and doesn't have time to help me reach orgasm. He does nothing to help me around the house. He's never bought me flowers or birthday presents. I have no idea why we're still together. And btw, he insists on cosleeping with our toddler in between us at night! If I win the lottery tomorrow I'm out of here. I'll have tons of boyfriends but will never ever EVER get married again. Hell no.

My god what is wrong with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a reason cohabitating couples have more and better sex.

Marriage is a deal breaker for men honestly. There’s no benefit. More and more it’s financial disaster and a dead sex life.

What's the difference between a long term marriage and a long term cohabitating couple? Obviously it's the cohabitating couple is only s couple years into their relationship, that's your answer. But you're saying that a couple who has been in an exclusive relationship and living together for 15 years will have a good sex life, but a 15 year marriage will not? How do you figure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want more, and more interesting, sex than my husband does. I was recently out with other mom friends and all confirmed that bed death was primarily the spouse's lack of interest. All had directly spoken to their spouses and been told it was just that there's so little time for other stuff (friends, TV, basically "me time") and sex is less of a priority than those things. We are all married to introverts and I agree that sex can be work (for me, too) so I get it but it's sad.

Same here!! I'm in my late 30s, most of my good friends are around my age and our kids are elementary school age. Almost all of us are sexually unsatisfied in our marriages, and until we made this discovery we're individually suffering a lot of shame feeling like there was something wrong with us, that we wanted it more than they did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a great husband, does a lot, cares about me, doesn't slack off. I STILL don't find sex with him interesting any longer. I do it -- very regularly! -- but the biological idea that women get bored and want somebody new more than men do resonates with me.

I'm happy in my marriage -- as a co parenting, co living situation. Do I find my husband attractive, sexy, interesting? No. But this is mostly not his fault.

Agreed. You could be my wife. Aside from me being a good partner and father, objectively, I am a "high value" male: ultra fit, top 1% income, lots of friends, other women show interest, etc. So I no longer take it personally that "she" does not find me sexy. It's not her fault, it is just how women are wired. Like you, we still have regular sex, and I graciously accept her "gift" since I still have an active interest in sex.

PP, is there anything your H could do to improve your desire? I would seriously consider issuing her permanent hall pass, it would be worth it if she would bring some of that excitement back into our bedroom.

Forgot to add this important detail: our bedroom actually DID become dead at one point. It took me a few tries to clearly articulate the point that I would not stay married/faithful without a regular sex life. She suddenly "found" her libido, and we've been having regular sex for past several years. Her "sex drive" is therefore the desire to keep me as her (faithful) husband. I accept this, realizing that 99% of women would be just like her after a year together.

""sex drive" is therefore the desire to keep me" of course it is, it usually is thats why the saying about never let them get comfortable is about. Look around at the most stable "nice" guys you know they more than likely have the dead bedroom issues ,she knows he isn't leaving , he is boring on that basis alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married over 30 years and very active, very attracted and both reach orgasm every time. Last night we got it on while our kids were downstairs watching a movie. We easily find time and it's hotter than ever. I would say the worst time sexually in our marriage was when the kids were toddlers, but we still managed 1-2 times/week. They are now MS age.

That’s just it, you want to find the time, it’s worth it to you. For most women it isn’t a priority

Because she is convinced her boring stable nice guy wont leave or no woman wants him (wrong there is always a woman ready to take him) and that just compounds the bore factor.

[Anonymous]

This is the truth.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/femail/video-1142309/Sexpert-Tracey-Cox-talks-sex-relationships.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a great husband, does a lot, cares about me, doesn't slack off. I STILL don't find sex with him interesting any longer. I do it -- very regularly! -- but the biological idea that women get bored and want somebody new more than men do resonates with me.

I'm happy in my marriage -- as a co parenting, co living situation. Do I find my husband attractive, sexy, interesting? No. But this is mostly not his fault.

I could have written this post, except I still find my partner attractive. I see sex with him as more of a chore.

Don't feel guilty he feels pretending to care what you have to say is a chore, it balances out.