Are dead bedrooms inevitable?

[Anonymous]

I was reading this today:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201709/the-quest-lust?collection=1105674

To the degree that a woman feels her libido is lacking, Team Psyche says it could be due to stress, anxiety, a history of trauma, poor body image, relationship problems, or just plain old monogamy—research shows that for women, each month of monogamous commitment is associated with a slight but steady decrease in desire. In contrast, for men, it holds more steady.

So, at some inevitable point, she will want sex less than he does, and perhaps even not at all. The best-case situation is that she has sex anyway because she loves him and wants to keep the marriage going. The worst-case situation is dead bedroom and eventually divorce.

Someone please tell me that this is wrong, and you've managed to keep the desire level strong for decades...

[Anonymous]

I think for some couples the desire remains fairly constant, with a dry spell here and there. They've won the marriage lottery, though, because I think for the vast majority, sex becomes just another part of the "hard work" that is marriage. You have sex because sex feels good, and you want to have sex, and this is the person you agreed to have sex with until one of you dies. Or you have sex because you love your partner, not because you desire them, but you want to keep them happy, or you're afraid they'll leave or find it elsewhere.

That's why it dies. Because it becomes work, and eventually no amount of date nights and "choosing each other" can bring it back to life. So you end up with either a fully dead bedroom, or an undead one where you have a kind of zombie sex that's just going through the motions.

[Anonymous]

Just look at the posts of where women’s sex drive increased when they got divorced. There’s about s million of them.


I don’t see a way out of it. It seems like women are geared for excitement and there’s studies shown they’re more built for non-monogamy than males are as it’s an evolutionary thing.

Women are more likely to have affairs during certain times if the month and in all honestly cheat about as much as men do.

[Anonymous]

As a woman I know there are lot's of things I know my husband could do to easily improve my desire, but he doesn't do any of them.

Don't try to turn me into your mom by acting helpless around the house and just grab me and start making out with me instead of weakly asking me if I want to have sex being at the top of the list.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing this decline in sexual interest for partnered women evolved from the benefit of not having too many babies too often. Once you lose your partner, you rev back up to get another one.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been with my husband for 19 years. I still have a very high libido. For me sex is a stress relief. All of the things that make some women say no, seem to make me say yes. I always feel better afterwards, even if it’s just a quick five minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing this decline in sexual interest for partnered women evolved from the benefit of not having too many babies too often. Once you lose your partner, you rev back up to get another one.

That's not how evolution works. To evolve, you have to pass on the trait, i.e., you have to have babies. Also, for thousands of years women did not control whether or not they had sex and had babies. The man was going to fsck his woman whether or not she was "interested". Therefore interest or lack thereof could not be selected for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing this decline in sexual interest for partnered women evolved from the benefit of not having too many babies too often. Once you lose your partner, you rev back up to get another one.

That's not how evolution works. To evolve, you have to pass on the trait, i.e., you have to have babies. Also, for thousands of years women did not control whether or not they had sex and had babies. The man was going to fsck his woman whether or not she was "interested". Therefore interest or lack thereof could not be selected for.

NP. I disagree. If women with fewer babies in favorable circumstances had more children who survived into adulthood and procreated themselves than women with more kids in unfavorable circumstances, then the latter would have been selected for.

And women's sexual desire has been as much a part of history as rape, even if for the simple fact that men don't particularly love having sex with uninterested sexual partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for 19 years. I still have a very high libido. For me sex is a stress relief. All of the things that make some women say no, seem to make me say yes. I always feel better afterwards, even if it’s just a quick five minutes.

Damn he’s kucky

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing this decline in sexual interest for partnered women evolved from the benefit of not having too many babies too often. Once you lose your partner, you rev back up to get another one.

That's not how evolution works. To evolve, you have to pass on the trait, i.e., you have to have babies. Also, for thousands of years women did not control whether or not they had sex and had babies. The man was going to fsck his woman whether or not she was "interested". Therefore interest or lack thereof could not be selected for.

That actually is how evolution works. If your mom dies having her 7th baby, you and your siblings are going to have a much harder time surviving. Add to that, grandma's not around to help with your kids.

And are you serious about the rape thing? Sure, it happened, probably a lot, but you're out to lunch if you think every single man raped his wife/mate just because he wanted sex and she didn't. Female desire has a HUGE impact on how much sex is had in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was reading this today:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201709/the-quest-lust?collection=1105674

To the degree that a woman feels her libido is lacking, Team Psyche says it could be due to stress, anxiety, a history of trauma, poor body image, relationship problems, or just plain old monogamy—research shows that for women, each month of monogamous commitment is associated with a slight but steady decrease in desire. In contrast, for men, it holds more steady.

So, at some inevitable point, she will want sex less than he does, and perhaps even not at all. The best-case situation is that she has sex anyway because she loves him and wants to keep the marriage going. The worst-case situation is dead bedroom and eventually divorce.

Someone please tell me that this is wrong, and you've managed to keep the desire level strong for decades...

I'm very encouraged to hear this. Our society makes it sound as if not wanting to have sex is a sign of major trouble in a marriage. I honestly have zero desire to have sex with my husband anymore, but continue to do so for him. It seems so few women are willing to admit this and feel that something is seriously wrong if they no longer desire sex.

[Anonymous]

I want more, and more interesting, sex than my husband does. I was recently out with other mom friends and all confirmed that bed death was primarily the spouse's lack of interest. All had directly spoken to their spouses and been told it was just that there's so little time for other stuff (friends, TV, basically "me time") and sex is less of a priority than those things. We are all married to introverts and I agree that sex can be work (for me, too) so I get it but it's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a woman I know there are lot's of things I know my husband could do to easily improve my desire, but he doesn't do any of them.

Don't try to turn me into your mom by acting helpless around the house and just grab me and start making out with me instead of weakly asking me if I want to have sex being at the top of the list.

Did I post this without realizing? This is my situation to a T.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a woman I know there are lot's of things I know my husband could do to easily improve my desire, but he doesn't do any of them.

Don't try to turn me into your mom by acting helpless around the house and just grab me and start making out with me instead of weakly asking me if I want to have sex being at the top of the list.

Did I post this without realizing? This is my situation to a T.

ditto. living with a useless, helpless slob who stares 10 hours a day at his iphone is NOT sexually attractive. he can't even hold a conversation any more, not with me nor his kids nor his/my parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a woman I know there are lot's of things I know my husband could do to easily improve my desire, but he doesn't do any of them.

Don't try to turn me into your mom by acting helpless around the house and just grab me and start making out with me instead of weakly asking me if I want to have sex being at the top of the list.

Did I post this without realizing? This is my situation to a T.

ditto. living with a useless, helpless slob who stares 10 hours a day at his iphone is NOT sexually attractive. he can't even hold a conversation any more, not with me nor his kids nor his/my parents!

It’s probably an escape from the miserable life he has with you.