Requests from a Sibing who is there for Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL recently died from a chronic illness that she had for 3 years, it was terminal and we all knew it. She was single, living along, thousands of miles away. She refused, adamantly and repeatedly, to our requests to move in with us here in DC. I don’t know how people can force people to move without having them declared incompetent and becoming power of attorney and guardian. She just wouldn’t budge. Maybe because she knew she would die and this was her control, who knows.

Anyway, her only kids are my DH and SIL. SIL lives in sunny Southern California, she doesn’t work, has no kids, is fairly young, nice husband, nice life. She refuses to help, she won’t visit, and she won’t try to convince her mom to move in with us. We hired help but MIL wouldn’t let them in th door. So my DH has to basically move in with her to care for her for the last 3 years, going back and forth between here and there. He’s missed the last 3 years of everything for the kids, every game, every recital, every teacher conference, every play, every first day, every last day, every birthday, everything.

My MIL decides recently she wants her suffering over and enters a hospice facility where they gradually sedate and drug her until she passes (it’s in another country). SIL just shows up suddenly, she’s arrived to hold her mother’s hand and take over. Because the last 3 years she couldn’t be bothered. SIL takes all the credit for MIL’s care, her funeral, her wake, everything. And bad mouthed DH for flying back for a few days to be in town for the first day of school in September.

So I get you OP, people can be disappointing.

Your DH and SIL have different views, no more than that. I understand when people want to end suffering, I can't support prolonging it.

I don’t think you understand or maybe my writing isn’t clear (I’m not the best writer). We did all the work, all of it, for years, time, hands on,money, sacrifice, all of it. She came in for the last few weeks and pretended she had been around all these years for support, when she hadn’t done anything. I was glad at least she showed up to see her mother before she died, but if you’re going to be the sibling who cannot physically be present for the caring of a dying parent, don’t pull some charade and lie about it when they die. Have the decency to be grateful to the sibling who was there through it all so that your life could go on as usual. It was so distasteful, and really REALLY hurt my DH. We didn’t try to stop my MIL from making any of her medical decisions, she had full autonomy over all her life decisions. We may have begged her to live with us, but we never stopped her from hospice (DH took her there) or forced her to do ANYTHING against her will. We took care of her to the end.

I agree, the charade is very distasteful and doesn't say anything good about SIL. The rest: it is so personal. My grandmother killed herself right when she realized she would need help. I fully understand and support her decision. Being taken care by someone seems like an absolute horror to me (I lasted two days before I needed to find out the lethal dosage when I had a scare). I don't think I have it in me to participate in supportive care in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL recently died from a chronic illness that she had for 3 years, it was terminal and we all knew it. She was single, living along, thousands of miles away. She refused, adamantly and repeatedly, to our requests to move in with us here in DC. I don’t know how people can force people to move without having them declared incompetent and becoming power of attorney and guardian. She just wouldn’t budge. Maybe because she knew she would die and this was her control, who knows.

Anyway, her only kids are my DH and SIL. SIL lives in sunny Southern California, she doesn’t work, has no kids, is fairly young, nice husband, nice life. She refuses to help, she won’t visit, and she won’t try to convince her mom to move in with us. We hired help but MIL wouldn’t let them in th door. So my DH has to basically move in with her to care for her for the last 3 years, going back and forth between here and there. He’s missed the last 3 years of everything for the kids, every game, every recital, every teacher conference, every play, every first day, every last day, every birthday, everything.

My MIL decides recently she wants her suffering over and enters a hospice facility where they gradually sedate and drug her until she passes (it’s in another country). SIL just shows up suddenly, she’s arrived to hold her mother’s hand and take over. Because the last 3 years she couldn’t be bothered. SIL takes all the credit for MIL’s care, her funeral, her wake, everything. And bad mouthed DH for flying back for a few days to be in town for the first day of school in September.

So I get you OP, people can be disappointing.

Your DH and SIL have different views, no more than that. I understand when people want to end suffering, I can't support prolonging it.

I don’t think you understand or maybe my writing isn’t clear (I’m not the best writer). We did all the work, all of it, for years, time, hands on,money, sacrifice, all of it. She came in for the last few weeks and pretended she had been around all these years for support, when she hadn’t done anything. I was glad at least she showed up to see her mother before she died, but if you’re going to be the sibling who cannot physically be present for the caring of a dying parent, don’t pull some charade and lie about it when they die. Have the decency to be grateful to the sibling who was there through it all so that your life could go on as usual. It was so distasteful, and really REALLY hurt my DH. We didn’t try to stop my MIL from making any of her medical decisions, she had full autonomy over all her life decisions. We may have begged her to live with us, but we never stopped her from hospice (DH took her there) or forced her to do ANYTHING against her will. We took care of her to the end.

What do you think that your SIL got out of lying about her level of involvement in her mother's care? Seems to me that your dh's mom would have wanted both of her kids there with her. Do you believe that your SIL was trying to make herself look good or something? If so, for what purpose?

I don’t think we are on the same page here, and again I am not a very good writer. I don’t have any problem with my SIL showing up at the end, in fact I wrote how grateful I was, because before that I was worried my MIL would die without seeing her daughter in years. My SIL lied to several people about how involved she had been with my MIL’s care over the years, yelled at my DH over and over again about how he shouldn’t come back to DC to see his kids but stay there 24/7, behind our backs changed the funeral plans and disinvited people to the services even though we had already had conversations with my MIL about what she wanted done with her remains and even down to the details about what dress she would be wearing in her casket, she changed the wake, it was so upsetting to my DH who didn’t have any more energy left to fight her after all this stress. And he’s so sad that his sister is all the blood extended family he has left, so he’s afraid of upsetting her. So yeah, I think SIL was trying to make herself look good, for herself and to everyone else. I never have seen her like that before and it broke my heart. Who knows for what purpose. Does it matter? Remember the people who were there, day in and day out, who made sure people didn’t spend Christmas alone, who made sure they went to the dr, made sure they had food, made sure they had clean clothes, made sure they were taking their medications, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

There's still a LOT that family members need to do for a person in assisted living. Yes, the facility would provide transportation to doctor appointments, but would the patient remember doctor instructions, medications taken, etc.? Sadly, some children put their parents into care facilities and forget their responsibilities to their parents.

[Anonymous]

Re:people mentioning caregivers steeling. According to a few websites it is totally appropriate for those who say give up their jobs to be caregivers or go part time to them compensate themselves for their time. My own mother was annoyed my aunt did this, but I say God bless this woman for taking on the role of caregiver. Yes, my grandma was in assisted living, but my aunt moved her there, took her to appointments, visited on a regular basis, dealt with endless complaints, siblings BS. Her time is valuable too. I assume people don't consider this robbing because I certainly don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL recently died from a chronic illness that she had for 3 years, it was terminal and we all knew it. She was single, living along, thousands of miles away. She refused, adamantly and repeatedly, to our requests to move in with us here in DC. I don’t know how people can force people to move without having them declared incompetent and becoming power of attorney and guardian. She just wouldn’t budge. Maybe because she knew she would die and this was her control, who knows.

Anyway, her only kids are my DH and SIL. SIL lives in sunny Southern California, she doesn’t work, has no kids, is fairly young, nice husband, nice life. She refuses to help, she won’t visit, and she won’t try to convince her mom to move in with us. We hired help but MIL wouldn’t let them in th door. So my DH has to basically move in with her to care for her for the last 3 years, going back and forth between here and there. He’s missed the last 3 years of everything for the kids, every game, every recital, every teacher conference, every play, every first day, every last day, every birthday, everything.

My MIL decides recently she wants her suffering over and enters a hospice facility where they gradually sedate and drug her until she passes (it’s in another country). SIL just shows up suddenly, she’s arrived to hold her mother’s hand and take over. Because the last 3 years she couldn’t be bothered. SIL takes all the credit for MIL’s care, her funeral, her wake, everything. And bad mouthed DH for flying back for a few days to be in town for the first day of school in September.

So I get you OP, people can be disappointing.

Your DH and SIL have different views, no more than that. I understand when people want to end suffering, I can't support prolonging it.

I don’t think you understand or maybe my writing isn’t clear (I’m not the best writer). We did all the work, all of it, for years, time, hands on,money, sacrifice, all of it. She came in for the last few weeks and pretended she had been around all these years for support, when she hadn’t done anything. I was glad at least she showed up to see her mother before she died, but if you’re going to be the sibling who cannot physically be present for the caring of a dying parent, don’t pull some charade and lie about it when they die. Have the decency to be grateful to the sibling who was there through it all so that your life could go on as usual. It was so distasteful, and really REALLY hurt my DH. We didn’t try to stop my MIL from making any of her medical decisions, she had full autonomy over all her life decisions. We may have begged her to live with us, but we never stopped her from hospice (DH took her there) or forced her to do ANYTHING against her will. We took care of her to the end.

What do you think that your SIL got out of lying about her level of involvement in her mother's care? Seems to me that your dh's mom would have wanted both of her kids there with her. Do you believe that your SIL was trying to make herself look good or something? If so, for what purpose?

I don’t think we are on the same page here, and again I am not a very good writer. I don’t have any problem with my SIL showing up at the end, in fact I wrote how grateful I was, because before that I was worried my MIL would die without seeing her daughter in years. My SIL lied to several people about how involved she had been with my MIL’s care over the years, yelled at my DH over and over again about how he shouldn’t come back to DC to see his kids but stay there 24/7, behind our backs changed the funeral plans and disinvited people to the services even though we had already had conversations with my MIL about what she wanted done with her remains and even down to the details about what dress she would be wearing in her casket, she changed the wake, it was so upsetting to my DH who didn’t have any more energy left to fight her after all this stress. And he’s so sad that his sister is all the blood extended family he has left, so he’s afraid of upsetting her. So yeah, I think SIL was trying to make herself look good, for herself and to everyone else. I never have seen her like that before and it broke my heart. Who knows for what purpose. Does it matter? Remember the people who were there, day in and day out, who made sure people didn’t spend Christmas alone, who made sure they went to the dr, made sure they had food, made sure they had clean clothes, made sure they were taking their medications, etc.

PP, you're responding to a troll who just wants to rile you up. We understand your family's sacrifice. There are plenty of people like your SIL in the world. Don't worry about them - they are their own worse enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re:people mentioning caregivers steeling. According to a few websites it is totally appropriate for those who say give up their jobs to be caregivers or go part time to them compensate themselves for their time. My own mother was annoyed my aunt did this, but I say God bless this woman for taking on the role of caregiver. Yes, my grandma was in assisted living, but my aunt moved her there, took her to appointments, visited on a regular basis, dealt with endless complaints, siblings BS. Her time is valuable too. I assume people don't consider this robbing because I certainly don't.

You think it's ok for caregivers to help themselves as fair compensation?

[Anonymous]

I'm totally sympathetic. My sister and her husband visited once or twice a year and expected my elderly mom to pay all their traveling expenses and, in one case, their lost wages. They also treated each visit as a vacation and spent very little time with mom but stayed in assisted living apartment and ate meals at her expense, then spent the entire day and sometimes nighttime sightseeing. The staff had to call me, while they were visiting, when mom became ill or there was something she needed. They also helped themselves to her jewelry, silver, etc. as well as her credit cards, handicapped parking pass. We lived an equal distance away, visited three times as much, never charged mom for expenses. I now communicate with my sibling about once a month, by phone, mostly to honor my deceased parents. By the way, the resident "caretaker" of a local woman recently murdered her mom, then burned her remains in the back yard (they found the pelvis and a foot, plus skull with execution style bullet hole). Like my mom, this poor woman tried to be generous with her selfish, abusive daughter and got killed instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL recently died from a chronic illness that she had for 3 years, it was terminal and we all knew it. She was single, living along, thousands of miles away. She refused, adamantly and repeatedly, to our requests to move in with us here in DC. I don’t know how people can force people to move without having them declared incompetent and becoming power of attorney and guardian. She just wouldn’t budge. Maybe because she knew she would die and this was her control, who knows.

Anyway, her only kids are my DH and SIL. SIL lives in sunny Southern California, she doesn’t work, has no kids, is fairly young, nice husband, nice life. She refuses to help, she won’t visit, and she won’t try to convince her mom to move in with us. We hired help but MIL wouldn’t let them in th door. So my DH has to basically move in with her to care for her for the last 3 years, going back and forth between here and there. He’s missed the last 3 years of everything for the kids, every game, every recital, every teacher conference, every play, every first day, every last day, every birthday, everything.

My MIL decides recently she wants her suffering over and enters a hospice facility where they gradually sedate and drug her until she passes (it’s in another country). SIL just shows up suddenly, she’s arrived to hold her mother’s hand and take over. Because the last 3 years she couldn’t be bothered. SIL takes all the credit for MIL’s care, her funeral, her wake, everything. And bad mouthed DH for flying back for a few days to be in town for the first day of school in September.

So I get you OP, people can be disappointing.

Your DH and SIL have different views, no more than that. I understand when people want to end suffering, I can't support prolonging it.

I don’t think you understand or maybe my writing isn’t clear (I’m not the best writer). We did all the work, all of it, for years, time, hands on,money, sacrifice, all of it. She came in for the last few weeks and pretended she had been around all these years for support, when she hadn’t done anything. I was glad at least she showed up to see her mother before she died, but if you’re going to be the sibling who cannot physically be present for the caring of a dying parent, don’t pull some charade and lie about it when they die. Have the decency to be grateful to the sibling who was there through it all so that your life could go on as usual. It was so distasteful, and really REALLY hurt my DH. We didn’t try to stop my MIL from making any of her medical decisions, she had full autonomy over all her life decisions. We may have begged her to live with us, but we never stopped her from hospice (DH took her there) or forced her to do ANYTHING against her will. We took care of her to the end.

What do you think that your SIL got out of lying about her level of involvement in her mother's care? Seems to me that your dh's mom would have wanted both of her kids there with her. Do you believe that your SIL was trying to make herself look good or something? If so, for what purpose?

I don’t think we are on the same page here, and again I am not a very good writer. I don’t have any problem with my SIL showing up at the end, in fact I wrote how grateful I was, because before that I was worried my MIL would die without seeing her daughter in years. My SIL lied to several people about how involved she had been with my MIL’s care over the years, yelled at my DH over and over again about how he shouldn’t come back to DC to see his kids but stay there 24/7, behind our backs changed the funeral plans and disinvited people to the services even though we had already had conversations with my MIL about what she wanted done with her remains and even down to the details about what dress she would be wearing in her casket, she changed the wake, it was so upsetting to my DH who didn’t have any more energy left to fight her after all this stress. And he’s so sad that his sister is all the blood extended family he has left, so he’s afraid of upsetting her. So yeah, I think SIL was trying to make herself look good, for herself and to everyone else. I never have seen her like that before and it broke my heart. Who knows for what purpose. Does it matter? Remember the people who were there, day in and day out, who made sure people didn’t spend Christmas alone, who made sure they went to the dr, made sure they had food, made sure they had clean clothes, made sure they were taking their medications, etc.

I am sorry. This happened to my friend. Very stylish, very proper grandmother was put to rest in some weird sports outfit her absent daughter chose instead of a preselected suit and jewerly (mausoleum burial). My friend just gave up, didn't want to fight and now has no relationship with that side of the family anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm totally sympathetic. My sister and her husband visited once or twice a year and expected my elderly mom to pay all their traveling expenses and, in one case, their lost wages. They also treated each visit as a vacation and spent very little time with mom but stayed in assisted living apartment and ate meals at her expense, then spent the entire day and sometimes nighttime sightseeing. The staff had to call me, while they were visiting, when mom became ill or there was something she needed. They also helped themselves to her jewelry, silver, etc. as well as her credit cards, handicapped parking pass. We lived an equal distance away, visited three times as much, never charged mom for expenses. I now communicate with my sibling about once a month, by phone, mostly to honor my deceased parents. By the way, the resident "caretaker" of a local woman recently murdered her mom, then burned her remains in the back yard (they found the pelvis and a foot, plus skull with execution style bullet hole). Like my mom, this poor woman tried to be generous with her selfish, abusive daughter and got killed instead.

^^^
I forgot the best part. My sister convinced my mother to have a locksmith break into her home safe. Mom called me while the locksmith was working on the job (I provided her with a cell phone). I called the security at the assisted living center but it was too late as the jewelry had been removed. Writing this has helped me focus. I need to cut off all contact with these sick people.

[Anonymous]

Wow. To all you people suggesting the OP should be printing out pictures and/or be responsible for providing updates and involving other siblings in key decisions, I say book a plane reservation and come take care of these matters yourself.

I saw my widowed mom care for her mother with dementia for years, while also working full time and taking care of me. She had virtually no free time whatsoever for years. Her two sisters barely lifted a finger or helped in any way. My grandmother died when I was only 10, but the workload my mom carried made a real impression on me. She didn't complain, but it was obvious she could have used help. I know she asked for it, but her sisters thought they were doing "all they could." Somehow they managed to show up after my grandfather died and raid the house, while my mother sat quietly on the sofa and sobbed.

If you have an extreme illness in your own household or other extenuating circumstances, then you get more of a pass but you don't get to complain or offer unsolicited advice. If you have nothing going on other than the hectic day-to-day stuff we are all dealing with, then the words I have for you cannot be typed here.

Good luck, OP. I have no siblings, so I am caring for my 90-year-old mom on my own and with DH's help. It's tough. But my mom taught me by example and if your kids are watching you care for your elderly parents, then you are teaching them some very good lessons that will stay with them for life.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all of the posts, but I agree with you, OP. My only point is this -- sometimes people who aren't there every day genuinely don't know what to do to be helpful. If you do it all the time, you know. If you don't, you feel awkward and don't want to step on toes or upset routines that work for others. The more that the caregiving sibling can offer concrete suggestions or requests for how to help, the better. Some things are really obvious, but others might not be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re:people mentioning caregivers steeling. According to a few websites it is totally appropriate for those who say give up their jobs to be caregivers or go part time to them compensate themselves for their time. My own mother was annoyed my aunt did this, but I say God bless this woman for taking on the role of caregiver. Yes, my grandma was in assisted living, but my aunt moved her there, took her to appointments, visited on a regular basis, dealt with endless complaints, siblings BS. Her time is valuable too. I assume people don't consider this robbing because I certainly don't.

You think it's ok for caregivers to help themselves as fair compensation?

My sister and her spouse charged my mom $4,000 (I saw the check) for a two-week visit during which she also paid for their room and board. Most of the time was spent sightseeing. I think some remuneration is reasonable if one sibling takes on a heavier share of the burden than others. This kind of skimming is abuse, plain and simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re:people mentioning caregivers steeling. According to a few websites it is totally appropriate for those who say give up their jobs to be caregivers or go part time to them compensate themselves for their time. My own mother was annoyed my aunt did this, but I say God bless this woman for taking on the role of caregiver. Yes, my grandma was in assisted living, but my aunt moved her there, took her to appointments, visited on a regular basis, dealt with endless complaints, siblings BS. Her time is valuable too. I assume people don't consider this robbing because I certainly don't.

You think it's ok for caregivers to help themselves as fair compensation?

Yes, it was a fraction of what an actual hired caregiver would cost. You think someone should lose their income and caregiver for free while siblings hold down jobs, enjoy the income, take vacations and don't lift a finger? I would rather a loving family member get some compensation than hire a stranger for a fortune more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all of the posts, but I agree with you, OP. My only point is this -- sometimes people who aren't there every day genuinely don't know what to do to be helpful. If you do it all the time, you know. If you don't, you feel awkward and don't want to step on toes or upset routines that work for others. The more that the caregiving sibling can offer concrete suggestions or requests for how to help, the better. Some things are really obvious, but others might not be.

Absolutely. One very important suggestion is don't give advice and be appreciative. I think some on here are angry they don't get physical help, some are fine with it, but I think everyone would agree that if you aren't involved at all be gracious and appreciative and don't offer advice without understanding the situation fully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

There's still a LOT that family members need to do for a person in assisted living. Yes, the facility would provide transportation to doctor appointments, but would the patient remember doctor instructions, medications taken, etc.? Sadly, some children put their parents into care facilities and forget their responsibilities to their parents.

Doesn't assisted living provide help with daily meds? If your mom had to attend a doctor appt by herself could you not get info about her appt and any care decisions made? A lot of this stuff is done electronically now so you would pull up her patient account and check to see how things went. The need for you to be physically present for every single appt may not be necessary. In fact, maybe you could delegate that responsibility to a sibling.

Usually assisted living places provide a lot of.....assistance...