DH walked away from lunch date with me and the kids--am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

It also tells you that he's really had it with this fight. Maybe you need to bring in a third party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" I was expecting that we would snap at each other for a few minutes and then calm down..."

Translation: "I was expecting that I could say whatever I wanted and he would be forced to temper his reaction because we were out with the kids."

This was my first thought too. She can pick, nag, jab about the same recurring fight using the kids as a sheild because it's good for them to see parents fight and he can't say what he really thinks because the kids are present. It's time break the kids as shields thing. Talk about the squirrels as you walk with your kids.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a big red flag. I don't think he should have left

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally disagree with the idea that kids need to see you fight and disagree that the benefit from it.

It's BS made up by aults without any self control and who are totally self absorbed.

My parents believed in that crap and I got nothing from it but feeling tensed and stressed. Feelings I can't shake even today and I believe has led me to be conflict adverse.

This, exactly the same for me. My parents' fighting in front of me as a child makes me have panic attacks when there is conflict in my life now. Just stop it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you guys need to work on your communication skills and conflict resolution - in therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP, remember that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of stupidity. The way you are approaching this "recurring fight" is not productive or going to resolve it. Think about other ways to positively have the same conversation. "I am feeling overwhelmed today and it would really help me if you would do X" vs. "You never do X! I have asked you a million times! Why do I have to ask you!" A lot of times, it isn't so much what you say but how you say it. His feeling like you are mad all the time is a sign you need to improve your communication, if in fact you aren't mad all the time.

I had a period like that last year and my DH made the same comment -- "you seem mad at me all the time, I can't say anything, etc". So we sat down and figured out what was causing me to be uncharacteristically snappy -- I was really tired, I was shouldering too much, and instead of complaining or asking for help nicely I was doing it all and getting snappy about it. Now I ask for help nicely when I need it, and we both feel better. At the same time, he was really stressed from an annoying work thing and hadn't realized how much he wasn't doing at home. He's gotten better about not bringing so much work stress home and being more "present".

Not sure if that is what is going on with you, but thought I'd set it out there. It takes work from both sides. You may need a counselor to help you both see where you can be more supportive and kinder to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's pretty unhappy about something in your relationship. Is he telling you what that is?

Well, I know what he told me--I suppose it's possible there's something else but I don't have any reason to think so. He said he thinks I'm "always mad at him." So whenever he says something that he knows bothers me and I react in any way at all, he goes into this reaction of "You're ALWAYS so MAD at me" and then he gets mad at me for that. He acknowledges that it doesn't matter if I react angrily or calmly because he "can tell" or "knows" I'm mad underneath.

I think I'm entitled to my emotions and that it's not fair of him to get mad at me if I speak in a normal, calm tone just because he knows I am annoyed by what he said. I think he is also entitled to his emotions but that he has a responsibility to use a normal, calm tone in talking to me. But he seems to think that whenever he perceives I am angry, that justifies him flying off the handle.

I don't know, op. My husband is like this. Perpetually pissed off, seething, critical, angry. Sure, it's great theoretically that he keeps his tone calm, but good lord, it's exhausting/frustrating/disappointing/annoying to live with. Tone is one piece of it, but it's not all of it, and probably not the most important part. If you find yourself constantly mad with him, deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally disagree with the idea that kids need to see you fight and disagree that the benefit from it.

It's BS made up by aults without any self control and who are totally self absorbed.

My parents believed in that crap and I got nothing from it but feeling tensed and stressed. Feelings I can't shake even today and I believe has led me to be conflict adverse.

OP here. If your parents had terrible fights in front of you that was definitely inappropriate. But my own parents had disagreements in front of us and while of course I would have preferred that they always got along great, I think it was good for us to see them work through things in a mature way.

But you're not working things out. You said yourself this was a recurring fight, you expected to snipe at each other and settle down. There's no resolution, just a bunch of sniping. No "working through" anything. Not cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally disagree with the idea that kids need to see you fight and disagree that the benefit from it.

It's BS made up by aults without any self control and who are totally self absorbed.

My parents believed in that crap and I got nothing from it but feeling tensed and stressed. Feelings I can't shake even today and I believe has led me to be conflict adverse.

This, exactly the same for me. My parents' fighting in front of me as a child makes me have panic attacks when there is conflict in my life now. Just stop it.

Why repeat and not break the cycle OP? OP said her parents fought in front of her and says it's a good thing. Yet, here you are walking to lunch with the kids fighting the same old recurring fight. It's not a good thing. It's not the time. The kids don't want or need to hear it. Even your DH was calling it when he walked off. Maybe because nothing else could get your attention.

[Anonymous]

let me translate OPs post....

"She thought they would snap at teach other and then be civil" means she thought that she should instigate an argument in public wit the kids and he would be trapped into the situation because they were in public. He chose to leave a situation which was manipulative. Good for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally disagree with the idea that kids need to see you fight and disagree that the benefit from it.

It's BS made up by aults without any self control and who are totally self absorbed.

My parents believed in that crap and I got nothing from it but feeling tensed and stressed. Feelings I can't shake even today and I believe has led me to be conflict adverse.

OP here. If your parents had terrible fights in front of you that was definitely inappropriate. But my own parents had disagreements in front of us and while of course I would have preferred that they always got along great, I think it was good for us to see them work through things in a mature way.

DP.. I agree that it's normal and healthy for kids to see their parents disagree and work it out. That's how kids learn to handle conflict. My DH and I never yell at each other in front of the kids.

I understand walking away when angry. I need time to cool off, too. I get very quiet when I'm fuming, and I can say some really harsh things. But, I would never walk away from my children because of being angry with my DH. If DH walked away from me AND the kids at such a young age because he couldn't control himself, I'd be pi$$ed.

[Anonymous]

Can't be that dumb of a fight if he walked away? If it was really about something of no importance, why are you fighting about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally disagree with the idea that kids need to see you fight and disagree that the benefit from it.

It's BS made up by aults without any self control and who are totally self absorbed.

My parents believed in that crap and I got nothing from it but feeling tensed and stressed. Feelings I can't shake even today and I believe has led me to be conflict adverse.

OP here. If your parents had terrible fights in front of you that was definitely inappropriate. But my own parents had disagreements in front of us and while of course I would have preferred that they always got along great, I think it was good for us to see them work through things in a mature way.

DP.. I agree that it's normal and healthy for kids to see their parents disagree and work it out. That's how kids learn to handle conflict. My DH and I never yell at each other in front of the kids.

I understand walking away when angry. I need time to cool off, too. I get very quiet when I'm fuming, and I can say some really harsh things. But, I would never walk away from my children because of being angry with my DH. If DH walked away from me AND the kids at such a young age because he couldn't control himself, I'd be pi$$ed.

But this was a recurring fight. It seems clear that it wasn't going to be "worked out" during the walk to lunch. It's not "healthy" for the kids to see the parents snapping at each other and not resolving anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally disagree with the idea that kids need to see you fight and disagree that the benefit from it.

It's BS made up by aults without any self control and who are totally self absorbed.

My parents believed in that crap and I got nothing from it but feeling tensed and stressed. Feelings I can't shake even today and I believe has led me to be conflict adverse.

OP here. If your parents had terrible fights in front of you that was definitely inappropriate. But my own parents had disagreements in front of us and while of course I would have preferred that they always got along great, I think it was good for us to see them work through things in a mature way.

If your are having the same fight over and over you are not modeling good behavior. Stop justifying arguing in front of your kids. Disagreeing and working through an issue is legitimate, arguing is not. Sounds like you both need therapy to find some way too communicate more effectively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, remember that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of stupidity. The way you are approaching this "recurring fight" is not productive or going to resolve it. Think about other ways to positively have the same conversation. "I am feeling overwhelmed today and it would really help me if you would do X" vs. "You never do X! I have asked you a million times! Why do I have to ask you!" A lot of times, it isn't so much what you say but how you say it. His feeling like you are mad all the time is a sign you need to improve your communication, if in fact you aren't mad all the time.

I had a period like that last year and my DH made the same comment -- "you seem mad at me all the time, I can't say anything, etc". So we sat down and figured out what was causing me to be uncharacteristically snappy -- I was really tired, I was shouldering too much, and instead of complaining or asking for help nicely I was doing it all and getting snappy about it. Now I ask for help nicely when I need it, and we both feel better. At the same time, he was really stressed from an annoying work thing and hadn't realized how much he wasn't doing at home. He's gotten better about not bringing so much work stress home and being more "present".

Not sure if that is what is going on with you, but thought I'd set it out there. It takes work from both sides. You may need a counselor to help you both see where you can be more supportive and kinder to each other.

OP here. Thanks for the suggestions and your personal story. We are going to go see a therapist to talk about the underlying issue. It is about division of labor and my unhappiness at my "default household administrator" role. The problem I am having is that I do think I am approaching it in a reasonable way, but whenever it comes up my DH gets really mad at me (from my POV) because he thinks I am mad at him, even if I raise it calmly. Anyway, hoping therapy will help.