DH walked away from lunch date with me and the kids--am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's pretty unhappy about something in your relationship. Is he telling you what that is?

Well, I know what he told me--I suppose it's possible there's something else but I don't have any reason to think so. He said he thinks I'm "always mad at him." So whenever he says something that he knows bothers me and I react in any way at all, he goes into this reaction of "You're ALWAYS so MAD at me" and then he gets mad at me for that. He acknowledges that it doesn't matter if I react angrily or calmly because he "can tell" or "knows" I'm mad underneath.

I think I'm entitled to my emotions and that it's not fair of him to get mad at me if I speak in a normal, calm tone just because he knows I am annoyed by what he said. I think he is also entitled to his emotions but that he has a responsibility to use a normal, calm tone in talking to me. But he seems to think that whenever he perceives I am angry, that justifies him flying off the handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally disagree with the idea that kids need to see you fight and disagree that the benefit from it.

It's BS made up by aults without any self control and who are totally self absorbed.

My parents believed in that crap and I got nothing from it but feeling tensed and stressed. Feelings I can't shake even today and I believe has led me to be conflict adverse.

OP here. If your parents had terrible fights in front of you that was definitely inappropriate. But my own parents had disagreements in front of us and while of course I would have preferred that they always got along great, I think it was good for us to see them work through things in a mature way.

If the topic was such a heated one that your dh needed to walk away from the fight, I'd suggest that it was an inappropriate topic to discuss in front of the kids, and you may want to avoid that in the future. Disagreements in front of the kids should be about items of small consequence, like what color to paint the living room or what to do on a Friday night. Bigger things should be worked out privately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he was right. Sometimes you need to disengage in order to not have things continue to escalate. Since the fight continued once you got home, it seems your husband made the right choice to not have the fight continue in public.

+1. He didn't storm off and give you the silent treatment. He explained he needed time to calm down. That's a legit response.

OP here. These comments are helpful. I do think he felt he was doing the right thing by calming down. I am generally fine with either of us taking a break from a discussion as long as there's no silent treatment involved. This felt different because he wasn't just going to the other room for awhile, he was leaving a planned activity and leaving me with the kids. But I should give him the benefit of the doubt that he saw it as a normal "calm down" break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're both wrong.

It's hard to know exactly because we don't know what the fight was about and the history there. However, if you were both frustrated, why is he the one who gets to walk away, leaving you with the kids and put on a strong face?

I think it's going to far to say that he would leave the family, but I don't think it's a mature decision to walk away and leave you with the kids.

Also, you both should be able to back down and decide to discuss such a matter later when the kids are not around. It's worrying that you were not able to do that

OP here and I agree with this. I expected that we would calm down and stop talking about it within a minute or two, before we got to the restaurant. The fact that he saw it as such a huge thing that he "had to" leave or he would have said something unforgivable to me (I don't know what it was he was going to say and I did not ask) is very unsettling. I am thinking maybe we need to see a counselor or something to talk about this more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're both wrong.

It's hard to know exactly because we don't know what the fight was about and the history there. However, if you were both frustrated, why is he the one who gets to walk away, leaving you with the kids and put on a strong face?

I think it's going to far to say that he would leave the family, but I don't think it's a mature decision to walk away and leave you with the kids.

Also, you both should be able to back down and decide to discuss such a matter later when the kids are not around. It's worrying that you were not able to do that

OP here and I agree with this. I expected that we would calm down and stop talking about it within a minute or two, before we got to the restaurant. The fact that he saw it as such a huge thing that he "had to" leave or he would have said something unforgivable to me (I don't know what it was he was going to say and I did not ask) is very unsettling. I am thinking maybe we need to see a counselor or something to talk about this more.

I think you're right about seeing a marriage counselor. The fact that you're having this argument repeatedly and yet you still aren't understanding how seriously your DH feels about this topic means you're definitely not on the same page.

[Anonymous]

You're both in the wrong. He should have taken you and the kids home, distracted them, and then you both should have continued the argument in an adult manner. I do not fight in front of my kids, if fighting is what you would refer to as a serious argument. A minor disagreement is different. No one should walk away in public. This makes the situation public.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't stand for that shit. I'd be gone. Straight to a lawyer. My husband knows I'm not going take any drama whatsoever

[Anonymous]

I am just amazed how easy it is for most of you posters to expect OP -- the woman -- to "understand how seriously her DH feels about this topic;" to avoid this topic in the future;" to "regulate her own behavior;" and to "applaud" her husband's entitled and self-centered behavior. How lucky he is to have a wife that didn't stalk off herself "to give herself the space and time to "cool down" leaving the two kids behind. Was it simply that he beat her to the punch on that.

How sexist many of you are to expect OP to tolerate the childish, selfish and inconsiderate behavior. So, OP doesn't need time to compose herself after an upsetting exchange? Why does OP's husband get time to do that? I can't figure out some of the poster's expectations here. Is the woman always supposed to be the peacemaker, the shit-taker, and the one left holding the bag? Please explain!

Who said she "picked the fight?" Nowhere in her original post does it say that she initiate the fight, perpetuated the fight, or refused to relinquish the fight. Why are posters making this assumption? Sexist again, maybe? So, could it be that the assumption is that women are irrational, melodramatic, and emotional? Hmmm. Need to check that.

Lastly, isn't responsibility for the kids' welfare and emotions something that should be shared equally between partners? So, who had to manage the kids' emotions and feelings following the dad's walk-off? OP? How is that fair? So, OP has to either make something up to keep her kids' view of their dad intact (Oh, daddy had something important to do! otherwise, he would be right here with you!) or tell the truth (Sometimes grown-ups get into disagreements...). Why does OP's husband not have to share in this parenting obligation. Oh! That's right! He's home nursing his wounds and getting his head in the right place. And where is OP? Managing the kids, dealing with her own emotions, and parenting alone.

Please stop making excuses for OP's husband, blaming OP for her feelings, and expecting her to be the grown-up here. Her husband has just as much a responsibility for their welfare as OP, and he should not have stalked off like a child. Get real, folks!

[Anonymous]

Honey - next he's walking away from you and the kids 24/7 and he won't be coming back.
There's no reason to be 'snapping at each other' for a while and having the same old fight. Can you not think of another way to behave??
It's time to grow up - you have two young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just amazed how easy it is for most of you posters to expect OP -- the woman -- to "understand how seriously her DH feels about this topic;" to avoid this topic in the future;" to "regulate her own behavior;" and to "applaud" her husband's entitled and self-centered behavior. How lucky he is to have a wife that didn't stalk off herself "to give herself the space and time to "cool down" leaving the two kids behind. Was it simply that he beat her to the punch on that.

How sexist many of you are to expect OP to tolerate the childish, selfish and inconsiderate behavior. So, OP doesn't need time to compose herself after an upsetting exchange? Why does OP's husband get time to do that? I can't figure out some of the poster's expectations here. Is the woman always supposed to be the peacemaker, the shit-taker, and the one left holding the bag? Please explain!

Who said she "picked the fight?" Nowhere in her original post does it say that she initiate the fight, perpetuated the fight, or refused to relinquish the fight. Why are posters making this assumption? Sexist again, maybe? So, could it be that the assumption is that women are irrational, melodramatic, and emotional? Hmmm. Need to check that.

Lastly, isn't responsibility for the kids' welfare and emotions something that should be shared equally between partners? So, who had to manage the kids' emotions and feelings following the dad's walk-off? OP? How is that fair? So, OP has to either make something up to keep her kids' view of their dad intact (Oh, daddy had something important to do! otherwise, he would be right here with you!) or tell the truth (Sometimes grown-ups get into disagreements...). Why does OP's husband not have to share in this parenting obligation. Oh! That's right! He's home nursing his wounds and getting his head in the right place. And where is OP? Managing the kids, dealing with her own emotions, and parenting alone.

Please stop making excuses for OP's husband, blaming OP for her feelings, and expecting her to be the grown-up here. Her husband has just as much a responsibility for their welfare as OP, and he should not have stalked off like a child. Get real, folks!

Cut the shit lady. Yes, she needs to stop it. Hopefully someone is telling her DH the same thing but who cares? She needs to grow up and act like a respectable human being acts and that has nothing to do with how anyone else is acting - just her.
Adulthood is not about 'fair' and 'keeping score'. How old are you - 15?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're both in the wrong. He should have taken you and the kids home, distracted them, and then you both should have continued the argument in an adult manner. I do not fight in front of my kids, if fighting is what you would refer to as a serious argument. A minor disagreement is different. No one should walk away in public. This makes the situation public.

The kids don't get lunch because mom and dad can't stop kitchen sink fighting?
Geez Louise - give them up for adoption to a good home already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's pretty unhappy about something in your relationship. Is he telling you what that is?

Well, I know what he told me--I suppose it's possible there's something else but I don't have any reason to think so. He said he thinks I'm "always mad at him." So whenever he says something that he knows bothers me and I react in any way at all, he goes into this reaction of "You're ALWAYS so MAD at me" and then he gets mad at me for that. He acknowledges that it doesn't matter if I react angrily or calmly because he "can tell" or "knows" I'm mad underneath.

I think I'm entitled to my emotions and that it's not fair of him to get mad at me if I speak in a normal, calm tone just because he knows I am annoyed by what he said. I think he is also entitled to his emotions but that he has a responsibility to use a normal, calm tone in talking to me. But he seems to think that whenever he perceives I am angry, that justifies him flying off the handle.

He's telling you that you are always bitchy and critical of him and he's sick of it. Try stopping it. If you can't you should stop torturing each other and split up because that's no way to live.
I mean really - when you decided to share your lives together was this the idea? Is this your idea of a good life for your DH? Your kids? For you? Do you really like how you're acting?

[Anonymous]

Your future, OP

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/669327.page

[Anonymous]

1/ things that include kids are not dates. You were just going to have lunch with the kids, as a family, no "date".
2/ I think he used it as an excuse to be alone and chill instead of going on a boring and hectic "date".
3/ I am not saying he is right but he is trying to show you that he is sick and tired of the same old fight.

Make of it what you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's pretty unhappy about something in your relationship. Is he telling you what that is?

Well, I know what he told me--I suppose it's possible there's something else but I don't have any reason to think so. He said he thinks I'm "always mad at him." So whenever he says something that he knows bothers me and I react in any way at all, he goes into this reaction of "You're ALWAYS so MAD at me" and then he gets mad at me for that. He acknowledges that it doesn't matter if I react angrily or calmly because he "can tell" or "knows" I'm mad underneath.

I think I'm entitled to my emotions and that it's not fair of him to get mad at me if I speak in a normal, calm tone just because he knows I am annoyed by what he said. I think he is also entitled to his emotions but that he has a responsibility to use a normal, calm tone in talking to me. But he seems to think that whenever he perceives I am angry, that justifies him flying off the handle.

OP, this is a control tactic. You are correct that you are entitled to your emotions. You are allowed to get angry. And yes, never let anyone else tell you how you feel. Only you can be the expert on how you feel. In an abusive dynamic, this is used to get you to change your behavior.

Walking away from a fight can also be a control tactic.