DH walked away from lunch date with me and the kids--am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH, the kids (3 and 5) and I were walking to a nearby restaurant for lunch this weekend when we got into a fight. It was a dumb recurrent fight and we both got very frustrated with each other very fast. I was expecting that we would snap at each other for a few minutes and then calm down, in large part b/c the kids were there and because everything had been fine otherwise. I think it's important to show kids that couples can have disagreements/fight but remain civil to each other and get past it.

But my DH said he felt like it would be better for him to go home or else he would say something that he would regret. So he just walked away. I was totally shocked and for about 20 minutes I was looking up the street expecting he would come back. I went ahead and had lunch with the kids at the restaurant we had been planning to go to, feeling totally bowled over but trying to act normal.

When we got home he put the kids down for a nap. Then we had a huge fight while they were sleeping in which I told him that his walking away had made me see him differently--as someone who would, literally, walk away from our family if he was mad at me. I felt it showed he was willing to put his anger at me above the kids.

He said he felt he had made the right decision by leaving because he thought "it was going in a bad direction" and we would have ended up having a serious fight in front of the kids, and that I was being melodramatic in my reaction.

We worked through the original fight (didn't resolve it but agreed to both try to work on the issues). But I am still feeling very unsettled by the walking away part. I believe him that he thought he was making the mature decision, but I think that is completely wrong and not how you should conduct yourself if you are a member of a family. I felt he was basically blaming me for his decision, too, by talking about the fight in the passive voice and acting like would have had no choice but to say something terrible to me if he had stayed, as opposed to regulating his own behavior.

So what do you think, DCUM? Was I overreacting or was this a really big deal? (Ducking.)

Men process things differently and walking away to reevaluate the situation is what most men do. Read about it. Men are solvers and like to solve problems and come to conclusions. You're overreacting and it's obvious you don't understand male behavior. Walking away to come up with a different strategy and to approach the issue a different way is what men do.

Get over yourself

OP here. This is the kind of idiocy that makes DCUM less useful than it would otherwise be. I have gotten some helpful feedback on this thread. Most of it was not complimentary to me, but I can deal with that. But the background chorus of sexism and vitriol makes it harder to sort out whether the rest of the comments are making good points or are just reflexively blaming women for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. This is the kind of idiocy that makes DCUM less useful than it would otherwise be. I have gotten some helpful feedback on this thread. Most of it was not complimentary to me, but I can deal with that. But the background chorus of sexism and vitriol makes it harder to sort out whether the rest of the comments are making good points or are just reflexively blaming women for everything.

I left a comment (I disagreed with you, but was not insulting) and haven't been back to read every one else but I'm impressed, OP, that you are willing to see feedback that is not complimentary as also helpful. Good for you and good luck on sorting this out with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Oh, geez, he didn't want to have lunch with the kids, it's pretty obvious. My guess is he went home to take a nap. I would have too, and I'm a mom. Lunch out at a restaurant with a 3 and 5 year old? No thanks.

Lol at the needed to calm down crap. I've pulled that one myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, geez, he didn't want to have lunch with the kids, it's pretty obvious. My guess is he went home to take a nap. I would have too, and I'm a mom. Lunch out at a restaurant with a 3 and 5 year old? No thanks.

Lol at the needed to calm down crap. I've pulled that one myself.

I can see how you might think that, but actually the lunch plan was his idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, geez, he didn't want to have lunch with the kids, it's pretty obvious. My guess is he went home to take a nap. I would have too, and I'm a mom. Lunch out at a restaurant with a 3 and 5 year old? No thanks.

Lol at the needed to calm down crap. I've pulled that one myself.

Based on the fact the argument continued after family returned home, I don't think this is the answer. DH is sick of argument and maybe he didn't want to deal with wife. Leaving kids was collateral damage.

[Anonymous]

OP, before your DH left, did he say "let's talk about this later" or something to signal to you that he didn't want to get into it right then and there? If he said any of those things and you kept pushing, it's no surprise that he walked away. Even if he didn't say anything along those lines, I think you have to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was reaching his limit and needed to leave before things escalated - which was probably the right way to handle it though it sucks to be the one left standing there.

That said, it seems like you two need to have a conversation about what should happen if DH feels like doing that again. Would you have felt better if he said, "I need some space right now. I am going to leave. I'll call you in a little bit once I've calmed down"? Was it the abruptness and lack of communication about what was happening that is upsetting? Figure this out and then talk to him so that you are both on the same page about how to handle it.

You should also figure out a way to talk to your kids about what they witnessed, even if your 3yo doesn't understand. Ideally, you and DH would talk to them together and explain how you BOTH could've handled it differently. We parents aren't perfect and I think it's important for kids to see their parents apologize to each other, talk to them about how it made them feel (it must've been a unsettling for them to see their dad leave) and explain a better way to handle things.

[Anonymous]

He was right and you are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Both were wrong (you more so than him IMO). One thing is clear, you need couples counseling. Your communication is horrible and you shoulnt be arguing over the same thing all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH, the kids (3 and 5) and I were walking to a nearby restaurant for lunch this weekend when we got into a fight. It was a dumb recurrent fight and we both got very frustrated with each other very fast. I was expecting that we would snap at each other for a few minutes and then calm down, in large part b/c the kids were there and because everything had been fine otherwise. I think it's important to show kids that couples can have disagreements/fight but remain civil to each other and get past it.

But my DH said he felt like it would be better for him to go home or else he would say something that he would regret. So he just walked away. I was totally shocked and for about 20 minutes I was looking up the street expecting he would come back. I went ahead and had lunch with the kids at the restaurant we had been planning to go to, feeling totally bowled over but trying to act normal.

When we got home he put the kids down for a nap. Then we had a huge fight while they were sleeping in which I told him that his walking away had made me see him differently--as someone who would, literally, walk away from our family if he was mad at me. I felt it showed he was willing to put his anger at me above the kids.

He said he felt he had made the right decision by leaving because he thought "it was going in a bad direction" and we would have ended up having a serious fight in front of the kids, and that I was being melodramatic in my reaction.

We worked through the original fight (didn't resolve it but agreed to both try to work on the issues). But I am still feeling very unsettled by the walking away part. I believe him that he thought he was making the mature decision, but I think that is completely wrong and not how you should conduct yourself if you are a member of a family. I felt he was basically blaming me for his decision, too, by talking about the fight in the passive voice and acting like would have had no choice but to say something terrible to me if he had stayed, as opposed to regulating his own behavior.

So what do you think, DCUM? Was I overreacting or was this a really big deal? (Ducking.)

Men process things differently and walking away to reevaluate the situation is what most men do. Read about it. Men are solvers and like to solve problems and come to conclusions. You're overreacting and it's obvious you don't understand male behavior. Walking away to come up with a different strategy and to approach the issue a different way is what men do.

Get over yourself

OP here. This is the kind of idiocy that makes DCUM less useful than it would otherwise be. I have gotten some helpful feedback on this thread. Most of it was not complimentary to me, but I can deal with that. But the background chorus of sexism and vitriol makes it harder to sort out whether the rest of the comments are making good points or are just reflexively blaming women for everything.

NP. So you want calm, rational discussion from internet strangwrs but you seem to be fine having a public fight with your partner where you expect to snap at each other and then go back to normal? Do you expect your husband to be able sort through the vitriol of the right you were having?

Hint: far too many men and women treat their non-partners better than their partners... Far too many people use their partners as their emotional punching bags while reserving the best version of themselves for everyone else. Perhaps you don't follow into that trap, but you may want to give it some thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH, the kids (3 and 5) and I were walking to a nearby restaurant for lunch this weekend when we got into a fight. It was a dumb recurrent fight and we both got very frustrated with each other very fast. I was expecting that we would snap at each other for a few minutes and then calm down, in large part b/c the kids were there and because everything had been fine otherwise. I think it's important to show kids that couples can have disagreements/fight but remain civil to each other and get past it.

But my DH said he felt like it would be better for him to go home or else he would say something that he would regret. So he just walked away. I was totally shocked and for about 20 minutes I was looking up the street expecting he would come back. I went ahead and had lunch with the kids at the restaurant we had been planning to go to, feeling totally bowled over but trying to act normal.

When we got home he put the kids down for a nap. Then we had a huge fight while they were sleeping in which I told him that his walking away had made me see him differently--as someone who would, literally, walk away from our family if he was mad at me. I felt it showed he was willing to put his anger at me above the kids.

He said he felt he had made the right decision by leaving because he thought "it was going in a bad direction" and we would have ended up having a serious fight in front of the kids, and that I was being melodramatic in my reaction.

We worked through the original fight (didn't resolve it but agreed to both try to work on the issues). But I am still feeling very unsettled by the walking away part. I believe him that he thought he was making the mature decision, but I think that is completely wrong and not how you should conduct yourself if you are a member of a family. I felt he was basically blaming me for his decision, too, by talking about the fight in the passive voice and acting like would have had no choice but to say something terrible to me if he had stayed, as opposed to regulating his own behavior.

So what do you think, DCUM? Was I overreacting or was this a really big deal? (Ducking.)

Men process things differently and walking away to reevaluate the situation is what most men do. Read about it. Men are solvers and like to solve problems and come to conclusions. You're overreacting and it's obvious you don't understand male behavior. Walking away to come up with a different strategy and to approach the issue a different way is what men do.

Get over yourself

OP here. This is the kind of idiocy that makes DCUM less useful than it would otherwise be. I have gotten some helpful feedback on this thread. Most of it was not complimentary to me, but I can deal with that. But the background chorus of sexism and vitriol makes it harder to sort out whether the rest of the comments are making good points or are just reflexively blaming women for everything.

You have serious mental self reflection to do.

The comment merely suggests men often take this approach to solving problems. It's in their nature to try to solve problems. Women want a listener more than a problem solver. Endless statements about women complaining their men don't listen to them is because men don't care about details by and large. They're not as detail oriented as women are. Men want the meat and potatoes and want to solve the issue.

If you can't handle that, then either date women or learn to communicate with your husband better. Him. It wanting to argue in public and make a scene is a good thing...
http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/13967/1/Problem-Solving--Differences-Between-Men-and-Women.html
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201202/how-gender-differences-make-decision-making-difficulties%3famp

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201211/how-talk-man-how-talk-woman%3famp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH, the kids (3 and 5) and I were walking to a nearby restaurant for lunch this weekend when we got into a fight. It was a dumb recurrent fight and we both got very frustrated with each other very fast. I was expecting that we would snap at each other for a few minutes and then calm down, in large part b/c the kids were there and because everything had been fine otherwise. I think it's important to show kids that couples can have disagreements/fight but remain civil to each other and get past it.

But my DH said he felt like it would be better for him to go home or else he would say something that he would regret. So he just walked away. I was totally shocked and for about 20 minutes I was looking up the street expecting he would come back. I went ahead and had lunch with the kids at the restaurant we had been planning to go to, feeling totally bowled over but trying to act normal.

When we got home he put the kids down for a nap. Then we had a huge fight while they were sleeping in which I told him that his walking away had made me see him differently--as someone who would, literally, walk away from our family if he was mad at me. I felt it showed he was willing to put his anger at me above the kids.

He said he felt he had made the right decision by leaving because he thought "it was going in a bad direction" and we would have ended up having a serious fight in front of the kids, and that I was being melodramatic in my reaction.

We worked through the original fight (didn't resolve it but agreed to both try to work on the issues). But I am still feeling very unsettled by the walking away part. I believe him that he thought he was making the mature decision, but I think that is completely wrong and not how you should conduct yourself if you are a member of a family. I felt he was basically blaming me for his decision, too, by talking about the fight in the passive voice and acting like would have had no choice but to say something terrible to me if he had stayed, as opposed to regulating his own behavior.

So what do you think, DCUM? Was I overreacting or was this a really big deal? (Ducking.)

Men process things differently and walking away to reevaluate the situation is what most men do. Read about it. Men are solvers and like to solve problems and come to conclusions. You're overreacting and it's obvious you don't understand male behavior. Walking away to come up with a different strategy and to approach the issue a different way is what men do.

Get over yourself

OP here. This is the kind of idiocy that makes DCUM less useful than it would otherwise be. I have gotten some helpful feedback on this thread. Most of it was not complimentary to me, but I can deal with that. But the background chorus of sexism and vitriol makes it harder to sort out whether the rest of the comments are making good points or are just reflexively blaming women for everything.

You have serious mental self reflection to do.

The comment merely suggests men often take this approach to solving problems. It's in their nature to try to solve problems. Women want a listener more than a problem solver. Endless statements about women complaining their men don't listen to them is because men don't care about details by and large. They're not as detail oriented as women are. Men want the meat and potatoes and want to solve the issue.

If you can't handle that, then either date women or learn to communicate with your husband better. Him. It wanting to argue in public and make a scene is a good thing...
http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/13967/1/Problem-Solving--Differences-Between-Men-and-Women.html
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201202/how-gender-differences-make-decision-making-difficulties%3famp

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201211/how-talk-man-how-talk-woman%3famp

Totally agree with this.

[Anonymous]

yep overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH, the kids (3 and 5) and I were walking to a nearby restaurant for lunch this weekend when we got into a fight. It was a dumb recurrent fight and we both got very frustrated with each other very fast. I was expecting that we would snap at each other for a few minutes and then calm down, in large part b/c the kids were there and because everything had been fine otherwise. I think it's important to show kids that couples can have disagreements/fight but remain civil to each other and get past it.

But my DH said he felt like it would be better for him to go home or else he would say something that he would regret. So he just walked away. I was totally shocked and for about 20 minutes I was looking up the street expecting he would come back. I went ahead and had lunch with the kids at the restaurant we had been planning to go to, feeling totally bowled over but trying to act normal.

When we got home he put the kids down for a nap. Then we had a huge fight while they were sleeping in which I told him that his walking away had made me see him differently--as someone who would, literally, walk away from our family if he was mad at me. I felt it showed he was willing to put his anger at me above the kids.

He said he felt he had made the right decision by leaving because he thought "it was going in a bad direction" and we would have ended up having a serious fight in front of the kids, and that I was being melodramatic in my reaction.

We worked through the original fight (didn't resolve it but agreed to both try to work on the issues). But I am still feeling very unsettled by the walking away part. I believe him that he thought he was making the mature decision, but I think that is completely wrong and not how you should conduct yourself if you are a member of a family. I felt he was basically blaming me for his decision, too, by talking about the fight in the passive voice and acting like would have had no choice but to say something terrible to me if he had stayed, as opposed to regulating his own behavior.

So what do you think, DCUM? Was I overreacting or was this a really big deal? (Ducking.)

Men process things differently and walking away to reevaluate the situation is what most men do. Read about it. Men are solvers and like to solve problems and come to conclusions. You're overreacting and it's obvious you don't understand male behavior. Walking away to come up with a different strategy and to approach the issue a different way is what men do.

Get over yourself

OP here. This is the kind of idiocy that makes DCUM less useful than it would otherwise be. I have gotten some helpful feedback on this thread. Most of it was not complimentary to me, but I can deal with that. But the background chorus of sexism and vitriol makes it harder to sort out whether the rest of the comments are making good points or are just reflexively blaming women for everything.

You are asking for advice on DCUM, and you got trolls, duh. And for the record yes your way overreacted.

[Anonymous]

What is the recurrent fight about?

[Anonymous]

Not going to read most of comments OP but i think you DH was wrong-that if he is committed to family and marriage-in the broad scheme of things he should have seen that the argument was something that needed to be gone back to when cooler heads - without kids - could prevail but the forward motion right then was the family time and the nurturing of that. To me - he was casting his lot with winning an argument not seeing it as a rough in the road. I can see sure that he might have needed to gather himself for a minute to calm down and refocus but he did not step up and own his part in the dynamic. Only you know if this was a one of event or if it is a last straw.