DH walked away from lunch date with me and the kids--am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

DH, the kids (3 and 5) and I were walking to a nearby restaurant for lunch this weekend when we got into a fight. It was a dumb recurrent fight and we both got very frustrated with each other very fast. I was expecting that we would snap at each other for a few minutes and then calm down, in large part b/c the kids were there and because everything had been fine otherwise. I think it's important to show kids that couples can have disagreements/fight but remain civil to each other and get past it.

But my DH said he felt like it would be better for him to go home or else he would say something that he would regret. So he just walked away. I was totally shocked and for about 20 minutes I was looking up the street expecting he would come back. I went ahead and had lunch with the kids at the restaurant we had been planning to go to, feeling totally bowled over but trying to act normal.

When we got home he put the kids down for a nap. Then we had a huge fight while they were sleeping in which I told him that his walking away had made me see him differently--as someone who would, literally, walk away from our family if he was mad at me. I felt it showed he was willing to put his anger at me above the kids.

He said he felt he had made the right decision by leaving because he thought "it was going in a bad direction" and we would have ended up having a serious fight in front of the kids, and that I was being melodramatic in my reaction.

We worked through the original fight (didn't resolve it but agreed to both try to work on the issues). But I am still feeling very unsettled by the walking away part. I believe him that he thought he was making the mature decision, but I think that is completely wrong and not how you should conduct yourself if you are a member of a family. I felt he was basically blaming me for his decision, too, by talking about the fight in the passive voice and acting like would have had no choice but to say something terrible to me if he had stayed, as opposed to regulating his own behavior.

So what do you think, DCUM? Was I overreacting or was this a really big deal? (Ducking.)

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's pretty unhappy about something in your relationship. Is he telling you what that is?

[Anonymous]

I think he was right. Sometimes you need to disengage in order to not have things continue to escalate. Since the fight continued once you got home, it seems your husband made the right choice to not have the fight continue in public.

[Anonymous]

I think it was mature of him to walk away and bring it up at a time without the kids, when he knew it would go down hill. I would not have been mad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he was right. Sometimes you need to disengage in order to not have things continue to escalate. Since the fight continued once you got home, it seems your husband made the right choice to not have the fight continue in public.

+1. He didn't storm off and give you the silent treatment. He explained he needed time to calm down. That's a legit response.

[Anonymous]

I totally disagree with the idea that kids need to see you fight and disagree that the benefit from it.

It's BS made up by aults without any self control and who are totally self absorbed.

My parents believed in that crap and I got nothing from it but feeling tensed and stressed. Feelings I can't shake even today and I believe has led me to be conflict adverse.

[Anonymous]

As someone who gets so angry she knows she shouldn't talk to people she loves lest she say something she'll regret, I agree with your husband. (five. that was FIVE she's. holy shit.)

He needed time to calm down. So he took it. He wasn't walking away from the marriage or family. He was putting himself in a frame of mind to have a constructive conversation. You should applaud that.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I think you sound incredibly melodramatic. It sounds like you picked a fight in public, in front of your kids, then later justified it by saying it would teach your kids that couples argue. Then he decided to disengage so you're accusing him of aboning your family, which is ridiculous.

Why are you having the same fight all the time? What was the argument about?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to regulate YOUR behaviour. Why are you doing this shit in front of your kids?? How old are you?

In order to stay cool in front of the kids he walked away. Always a better option. Good for him. I'd be thanking him. I would never accuse DH of abandoning the family for walking away to cool down. Quite the opposite; at least HE recognizes when it's not productive.

I don't understand arguers like you. You are like a pro-wrestler who stays in the fight and won't let go. Those are your rules to stay in the grudgematch and finish, not his. Stop with the silly 'he walked away from the family' crap. Don't go there. Not necessary and crazy.

Now get a babysitter, go for a walk and talk together respectfully. Something you are doing is making him shut down. Deescalate. Try couples therapy if you absolutely cannot communicate.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the three prior posters and also think it's unfair to extrapolate that he'd walk away from the family because he walked away from a fight. Not the same at all.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this happened, OP. There was no right option, and it depends on personal preferences as to which option is the least worse, so don't overthink it. It just sucks all around. If he had said something really cutting, in front of the kids no less, you would resent him for that, too. All you can do is to state for future fights, that next time you'd rather he try to stay calm, or say the cutting thing publicly, instead of walking off. Fights can have ground rules like this of both parties agree to them.

My husband is impulsive and can act in a highly irrational manner sometimes. He has accused me of abandoning him, when he has gotten out of the car and refused to get back in, or stalked off without a word when we're going to a restaurant, etc. I can't put our lives on hold when he does these things, and go chase after him, so I've told him that if he does that, I will go on with the kids to whatever we had planned to do. It's sort of like a reverse-hostage situation. He still cannot see that it's abusive on his part and because of that, it's likely to re-occur at some point.

[Anonymous]

I think you're both wrong.

It's hard to know exactly because we don't know what the fight was about and the history there. However, if you were both frustrated, why is he the one who gets to walk away, leaving you with the kids and put on a strong face?

I think it's going to far to say that he would leave the family, but I don't think it's a mature decision to walk away and leave you with the kids.

Also, you both should be able to back down and decide to discuss such a matter later when the kids are not around. It's worrying that you were not able to do that

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure op, who is right or wrong. But my sympathies to you and huge props for carrying on and keeping it together over lunch with the kids. It seems like it always falls to the mom to keep the kids held together when the dads get to stalk off and "compose themselves."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally disagree with the idea that kids need to see you fight and disagree that the benefit from it.

It's BS made up by aults without any self control and who are totally self absorbed.

My parents believed in that crap and I got nothing from it but feeling tensed and stressed. Feelings I can't shake even today and I believe has led me to be conflict adverse.

OP here. If your parents had terrible fights in front of you that was definitely inappropriate. But my own parents had disagreements in front of us and while of course I would have preferred that they always got along great, I think it was good for us to see them work through things in a mature way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure op, who is right or wrong. But my sympathies to you and huge props for carrying on and keeping it together over lunch with the kids. It seems like it always falls to the mom to keep the kids held together when the dads get to stalk off and "compose themselves."

I don't think it's wrong to step away when you feel yourself losing control. But my beef with the husband is that he just left, and left her out with the kids to keep it together and feed them and get them home by herself. He should have taken a few minutes to compose himself and then joined the family and helped with lunch. If they had been at home and the kids were napping, then it's another story, but I would have been livid if I was left to carry out the family lunch adventure with two little ones while DH got to blow off steam on his own.

One or both of you should have nipped it in the bud, no matter who started it. No benefit to snapping at each other for several minutes in front of the kids. Model good behavior by saying I disagree, let's talk about this another time when we are calmer.