DH walked away from lunch date with me and the kids--am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the recurrent fight about?

Division of labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the recurrent fight about?

Division of labor.

He probably doesn't want to be home to help out because you're a contemptuous shrew...

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't stand for that shit. I'd be gone. Straight to a lawyer. My husband knows I'm not going take any drama whatsoever

Riiiiightt......says the queen of melodrama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the recurrent fight about?

Division of labor.

He probably doesn't want to be home to help out because you're a contemptuous shrew...

You sound like a real joy to be around, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH, the kids (3 and 5) and I were walking to a nearby restaurant for lunch this weekend when we got into a fight. It was a dumb recurrent fight and we both got very frustrated with each other very fast. I was expecting that we would snap at each other for a few minutes and then calm down, in large part b/c the kids were there and because everything had been fine otherwise. I think it's important to show kids that couples can have disagreements/fight but remain civil to each other and get past it.

But my DH said he felt like it would be better for him to go home or else he would say something that he would regret. So he just walked away. I was totally shocked and for about 20 minutes I was looking up the street expecting he would come back. I went ahead and had lunch with the kids at the restaurant we had been planning to go to, feeling totally bowled over but trying to act normal.

When we got home he put the kids down for a nap. Then we had a huge fight while they were sleeping in which I told him that his walking away had made me see him differently--as someone who would, literally, walk away from our family if he was mad at me. I felt it showed he was willing to put his anger at me above the kids.

He said he felt he had made the right decision by leaving because he thought "it was going in a bad direction" and we would have ended up having a serious fight in front of the kids, and that I was being melodramatic in my reaction.

We worked through the original fight (didn't resolve it but agreed to both try to work on the issues). But I am still feeling very unsettled by the walking away part. I believe him that he thought he was making the mature decision, but I think that is completely wrong and not how you should conduct yourself if you are a member of a family. I felt he was basically blaming me for his decision, too, by talking about the fight in the passive voice and acting like would have had no choice but to say something terrible to me if he had stayed, as opposed to regulating his own behavior.

So what do you think, DCUM? Was I overreacting or was this a really big deal? (Ducking.)

Men process things differently and walking away to reevaluate the situation is what most men do. Read about it. Men are solvers and like to solve problems and come to conclusions. You're overreacting and it's obvious you don't understand male behavior. Walking away to come up with a different strategy and to approach the issue a different way is what men do.

Get over yourself

OP here. This is the kind of idiocy that makes DCUM less useful than it would otherwise be. I have gotten some helpful feedback on this thread. Most of it was not complimentary to me, but I can deal with that. But the background chorus of sexism and vitriol makes it harder to sort out whether the rest of the comments are making good points or are just reflexively blaming women for everything.

I'm a woman and think your response here is annoying. Some random mra crap has made an appearance but not the comment you're responding to. Makes me wonder what else you think is sexist.

Do your kids a favor and don't interpret the "don't fight in front of your kids advice as sexist. Another person here who's parents fighting in front of them caused anxiety and pain. I am pretty good at conflict management but I'd say that I learned it the hard way. No fight that caused bad enough feelings for constant sniping and one person having to walk away is appropriate.

[froggymom]

In the heat of the moment we are all apt to do or say something that is hurtful to others. I can't say it was right or wrong for him to walk away, but what is important is that you resolve the issue just as you did the cause of the original fight. When you are both calm is a good time to maybe revisit the issue and let him know how hurt you were and that you felt abandoned when he walked away. He may not say you are right which doesn't matter. He will get the message. God Bless both of you.

[Anonymous]

Only on DCUM will someone criticize a man for being level headed and walking away during a fight that the OP was trying to escalate. Most of understand why he walked away and I applaud him for it.

If he stayed and snapped and called OP a choice name or two, some of you same folks would be coming after him for that.

OP wanted to fight and she wanted to fight on her own terms. But I would NEVER fault anyone from removing themselves from a situation where they are about to lose control. People can phrase it as unfair to the OP or whatever. The man went back home because he did not want to snap at each other the whole "family outing." And if this family date was so important to the OP, why would she potentially ruin it by insisting they fight right then and there. Mature people table things when no resolution is imminent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure op, who is right or wrong. But my sympathies to you and huge props for carrying on and keeping it together over lunch with the kids. It seems like it always falls to the mom to keep the kids held together when the dads get to stalk off and "compose themselves."

I don't think it's wrong to step away when you feel yourself losing control. But my beef with the husband is that he just left, and left her out with the kids to keep it together and feed them and get them home by herself. He should have taken a few minutes to compose himself and then joined the family and helped with lunch. If they had been at home and the kids were napping, then it's another story, but I would have been livid if I was left to carry out the family lunch adventure with two little ones while DH got to blow off steam on his own.

One or both of you should have nipped it in the bud, no matter who started it. No benefit to snapping at each other for several minutes in front of the kids. Model good behavior by saying I disagree, let's talk about this another time when we are calmer.

100% my reaction. He was way out of line with that. And I'd be pissed too. He needs to act like an adult and hold it together until you get home. Then if he needs to take a breather, fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:let me translate OPs post....

"She thought they would snap at teach other and then be civil" means she thought that she should instigate an argument in public wit the kids and he would be trapped into the situation because they were in public. He chose to leave a situation which was manipulative. Good for him.

What the F? Why is everyone blaming OP for instigating and intending to berate her DH w/ no consequences? The misogyny on here is unbelievable. It's just as likely her DH over-reacted or was an ass. As he acted like an ass by leaving, I'm inclined toward that conclusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH, the kids (3 and 5) and I were walking to a nearby restaurant for lunch this weekend when we got into a fight. It was a dumb recurrent fight and we both got very frustrated with each other very fast. I was expecting that we would snap at each other for a few minutes and then calm down, in large part b/c the kids were there and because everything had been fine otherwise. I think it's important to show kids that couples can have disagreements/fight but remain civil to each other and get past it.

But my DH said he felt like it would be better for him to go home or else he would say something that he would regret. So he just walked away. I was totally shocked and for about 20 minutes I was looking up the street expecting he would come back. I went ahead and had lunch with the kids at the restaurant we had been planning to go to, feeling totally bowled over but trying to act normal.

When we got home he put the kids down for a nap. Then we had a huge fight while they were sleeping in which I told him that his walking away had made me see him differently--as someone who would, literally, walk away from our family if he was mad at me. I felt it showed he was willing to put his anger at me above the kids.

He said he felt he had made the right decision by leaving because he thought "it was going in a bad direction" and we would have ended up having a serious fight in front of the kids, and that I was being melodramatic in my reaction.

We worked through the original fight (didn't resolve it but agreed to both try to work on the issues). But I am still feeling very unsettled by the walking away part. I believe him that he thought he was making the mature decision, but I think that is completely wrong and not how you should conduct yourself if you are a member of a family. I felt he was basically blaming me for his decision, too, by talking about the fight in the passive voice and acting like would have had no choice but to say something terrible to me if he had stayed, as opposed to regulating his own behavior.

So what do you think, DCUM? Was I overreacting or was this a really big deal? (Ducking.)

Men process things differently and walking away to reevaluate the situation is what most men do. Read about it. Men are solvers and like to solve problems and come to conclusions. You're overreacting and it's obvious you don't understand male behavior. Walking away to come up with a different strategy and to approach the issue a different way is what men do.

Get over yourself

OP here. This is the kind of idiocy that makes DCUM less useful than it would otherwise be. I have gotten some helpful feedback on this thread. Most of it was not complimentary to me, but I can deal with that. But the background chorus of sexism and vitriol makes it harder to sort out whether the rest of the comments are making good points or are just reflexively blaming women for everything.

I'm a woman and think your response here is annoying. Some random mra crap has made an appearance but not the comment you're responding to. Makes me wonder what else you think is sexist.

Do your kids a favor and don't interpret the "don't fight in front of your kids advice as sexist. Another person here who's parents fighting in front of them caused anxiety and pain. I am pretty good at conflict management but I'd say that I learned it the hard way. No fight that caused bad enough feelings for constant sniping and one person having to walk away is appropriate.

Op here, confused. The post I called sexist didn't say anything about not fighting in front of the kids. There have been several posts saying that and they have made me think about my views about that and read a couple of articles about it. It seems like there is a consensus that bad fights should not be held in front of kids, but it is important for kids to see their parents have disagreements and become frustrated at each other and then deal with that in a constructive way. That way they know that it's OK to have negative emotions but have good models for how to handle them. I agree we obviously need to work on our "fighting style," which is why we have made an appointment for couples therapy. (Well, I made the appointment, which goes to my underlying issue about our division of labor, but that would be a topic for a different post.)

I do think it's sexist to say "men do X, you obviously don't understand male behavior, get over yourself." People in a relationship should deal with each other as individuals, not archetypes of their gender. I'm sure it's true that some men and some women tend to need to walk away to calm down in an argument. But my DH has not generally been like that in the 10+ years we've been together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure op, who is right or wrong. But my sympathies to you and huge props for carrying on and keeping it together over lunch with the kids. It seems like it always falls to the mom to keep the kids held together when the dads get to stalk off and "compose themselves."

I don't think it's wrong to step away when you feel yourself losing control. But my beef with the husband is that he just left, and left her out with the kids to keep it together and feed them and get them home by herself. He should have taken a few minutes to compose himself and then joined the family and helped with lunch. If they had been at home and the kids were napping, then it's another story, but I would have been livid if I was left to carry out the family lunch adventure with two little ones while DH got to blow off steam on his own.

One or both of you should have nipped it in the bud, no matter who started it. No benefit to snapping at each other for several minutes in front of the kids. Model good behavior by saying I disagree, let's talk about this another time when we are calmer.

100% my reaction. He was way out of line with that. And I'd be pissed too. He needs to act like an adult and hold it together until you get home. Then if he needs to take a breather, fine.

\\

So he needs to act like an adult, OP gets a pass? Fighting and arguing in public is not being an "adult."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:let me translate OPs post....

"She thought they would snap at teach other and then be civil" means she thought that she should instigate an argument in public wit the kids and he would be trapped into the situation because they were in public. He chose to leave a situation which was manipulative. Good for him.

What the F? Why is everyone blaming OP for instigating and intending to berate her DH w/ no consequences? The misogyny on here is unbelievable. It's just as likely her DH over-reacted or was an ass. As he acted like an ass by leaving, I'm inclined toward that conclusion.

I am not "blaming" OP. People are so quick play the blame and the victim game. We were not there and OP's DH cannot defend himself. However, I do not think that walking away from an escalating public fight is "being an ass" based on what the OP is said. OP thought they could fight and then calm down as if nothing happened. Maybe he was in a different place and was about to say something out of pocket. They only thing I would "blame" OP for is making this one instance a referendum on him and their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally disagree with the idea that kids need to see you fight and disagree that the benefit from it.

It's BS made up by aults without any self control and who are totally self absorbed.

My parents believed in that crap and I got nothing from it but feeling tensed and stressed. Feelings I can't shake even today and I believe has led me to be conflict adverse.

OP here. If your parents had terrible fights in front of you that was definitely inappropriate. But my own parents had disagreements in front of us and while of course I would have preferred that they always got along great, I think it was good for us to see them work through things in a mature way.

DP.. I agree that it's normal and healthy for kids to see their parents disagree and work it out. That's how kids learn to handle conflict. My DH and I never yell at each other in front of the kids.

I understand walking away when angry. I need time to cool off, too. I get very quiet when I'm fuming, and I can say some really harsh things. But, I would never walk away from my children because of being angry with my DH. If DH walked away from me AND the kids at such a young age because he couldn't control himself, I'd be pi$$ed.

But this was a recurring fight. It seems clear that it wasn't going to be "worked out" during the walk to lunch. It's not "healthy" for the kids to see the parents snapping at each other and not resolving anything.

Disagree... it shows that people can disagree and be upset with each other but still love each other. I don't always resolve issues with my children, but they know that I still love them.

And even if they weren't going to "work it out" during a walk, he shouldn't have left her with the kids on a sidewalk. That was poorly done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was right and you are wrong.

Straight up misogyny right here. And probably a woman.