My boys don't want me to get remarried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have already broken their family. Do not continue to break their spirits by not listening to them. Post divorce your kids should be your focus. Their happiness trumps yours. Sorry about that.

+10000. Until they are 18, their happiness is yours OP.

Completely agree. OP, you are responsible for your children - one is only 12! You need to put your desires for another marriage aside until either your children accept your finance or they go to college/leave the house or turn 18.

[Anonymous]

OP has left the building it seems . . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get family therapy to get to the root of the issue. I think it's hard for some kids to accept that their parents don't belong together. I felt like this as a kid now as an adult I realize my dad was actually a really terrible husband.

This may not be the whole of the issue too. My dad was not a good husband, and yet, my mom's boyfriend is a loser. Coincidence? Maybe!

[Anonymous]

This is a complicated situation and I would encourage the OP to really scrutinize this situation closely to make sure there is nothing really objectionable about her fiance. Waiting a bit might not hurt either.

Having said this, from personal experiences of my friends whose parents divorced, I know this: children are completely, unadulteratedly selfish. That's developmentally normal for them, but you should not let it shape your life. No child should get everything he or she wants; do not confuse "happiness" with "getting their own way." For the sake of the argument, if they told you they wanted an Audi or shoes/clothes of a particular brand, would you think you need to get a second job because otherwise they'd be unhappy? No, you would explain to them why they can't get what they want and that's the end of discussion.

Children are consumers of parents. They do not think of their parents as separate human beings with their own separate dreams, feelings and needs that aren't connected to serving the children. They are not concerned with your happiness. In a few years they will be out of the house and leading their own life, and they will not care one bit if you are lonely. That's what happened to a couple of my friends whose divorced mothers started dating and and expressed their desire to remarry. They (my friends who were 8 and 10 at the time) screamed and kicked and promised to run away. The mother caved and broke up with the guy. The girls grew up and left the house; the mother died alone. Looking back, they freely admit they were selfish jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have already broken their family. Do not continue to break their spirits by not listening to them. Post divorce your kids should be your focus. Their happiness trumps yours. Sorry about that.

+10000. Until they are 18, their happiness is yours OP.

Completely agree. OP, you are responsible for your children - one is only 12! You need to put your desires for another marriage aside until either your children accept your finance or they go to college/leave the house or turn 18.

And what if they don't leave the house at 18?

Do you think the supply of quality men goes up as women get older?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have already broken their family. Do not continue to break their spirits by not listening to them. Post divorce your kids should be your focus. Their happiness trumps yours. Sorry about that.

Strongly disagree with this.

These are teenagers. They should be able to communicate about their feelings and come to an understanding with their mother about her life. Wanting their parents to get back together isn't going to happen. You can talk to them about the specific nature of their concern, but "Because I want you and dad to get back together" is not something that I would find acceptable. I am the parent, not them.

This. Children should not be allowed a deciding vote on adult decisions.

[Anonymous]

Why remarry at all? Just shack up after they leave for college.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with some of these very negative comments, but I would definitely postpone any thoughts of a wedding or even beginning to plan a wedding at least until after your older son has completed high school and has moved on to the next stage of education or employment.

I would put the focus on your older son's plans and his upcoming adulthood -- not saying to leave out your fiancé or your younger son. However, if your fiancé thinks that being engaged means having a wedding soon, then maybe that should give you pause.

It actually sounds as if your sons have been pretty accepting of this new man. I would not push it, although I don't agree with those who think your sons have complete veto power. Why not just recognize how great it is that they have developed a positive relationship with your significant other and leave it at that for a while longer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have already broken their family. Do not continue to break their spirits by not listening to them. Post divorce your kids should be your focus. Their happiness trumps yours. Sorry about that.

Strongly disagree with this.

These are teenagers. They should be able to communicate about their feelings and come to an understanding with their mother about her life. Wanting their parents to get back together isn't going to happen. You can talk to them about the specific nature of their concern, but "Because I want you and dad to get back together" is not something that I would find acceptable. I am the parent, not them.

This. Children should not be allowed a deciding vote on adult decisions.

I agree with this. But they are surely entitled to their own views and adult decisions have consequences. You need to make your decision and accept those.

A few things to add perspective, from someone who has been on the other side. They may not like him, which they may not want express to you for obvious reasons. Not least of which is concern that it will get back to him, and then they will have to live with him anyway. It's totally legitimate for you to make the decision about this situation---they are children and you are the adult---but if you pressure them to feel differently about him or the decision, you are going to damage your relationship with them.

It sounds like they are being extremely civil with him when you all are together. It's really not fair to ask any more than that, and I don't think it is right to call their concerns selfish. You are making a unilateral decision that they will live intimately with someone they don't want to; that's a big deal for anyone, especially such young people. It seems great to you but bad to them; neither point of view is wrong. You don't have to give in to their position, but if you treat them as if that position is illegitimate or try to guilt them into changing it, you will do long term damage to your relationship.

Living with someone you don't like and feel intruded on by will necessarily result in disputes, and you are going to have to take sides. Some ground rules about how those will be managed in advance will probably help mitigate this issue.

Family therapy may well be a good idea, so long as it is done honestly. If the children perceive it as an attempt to strong-arm them into being happy about a decision they aren't happy about, I doubt it will be constructive. But as a way of developing techniques to manage the situation, it makes a lot of sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have already broken their family. Do not continue to break their spirits by not listening to them. Post divorce your kids should be your focus. Their happiness trumps yours. Sorry about that.

Strongly disagree with this.

These are teenagers. They should be able to communicate about their feelings and come to an understanding with their mother about her life. Wanting their parents to get back together isn't going to happen. You can talk to them about the specific nature of their concern, but "Because I want you and dad to get back together" is not something that I would find acceptable. I am the parent, not them.

This. Children should not be allowed a deciding vote on adult decisions.

I agree with this. But they are surely entitled to their own views and adult decisions have consequences. You need to make your decision and accept those.

A few things to add perspective, from someone who has been on the other side. They may not like him, which they may not want express to you for obvious reasons. Not least of which is concern that it will get back to him, and then they will have to live with him anyway. It's totally legitimate for you to make the decision about this situation---they are children and you are the adult---but if you pressure them to feel differently about him or the decision, you are going to damage your relationship with them.

It sounds like they are being extremely civil with him when you all are together. It's really not fair to ask any more than that, and I don't think it is right to call their concerns selfish. You are making a unilateral decision that they will live intimately with someone they don't want to; that's a big deal for anyone, especially such young people. It seems great to you but bad to them; neither point of view is wrong. You don't have to give in to their position, but if you treat them as if that position is illegitimate or try to guilt them into changing it, you will do long term damage to your relationship.

Living with someone you don't like and feel intruded on by will necessarily result in disputes, and you are going to have to take sides. Some ground rules about how those will be managed in advance will probably help mitigate this issue.

Family therapy may well be a good idea, so long as it is done honestly. If the children perceive it as an attempt to strong-arm them into being happy about a decision they aren't happy about, I doubt it will be constructive. But as a way of developing techniques to manage the situation, it makes a lot of sense.

Great post, PP, I agree 100%. It is for the adults to decide whether to remarry, but you can't demand that the children agree with it or like it. They are entitled to their own opinion of this man just like you are. Having the right to do something does not make it a good idea.

Think hard about whether you want to damage your relationship with your son in his last year at home.

[Anonymous]

Having the right to do something may not make it a good idea. But neither does the sentiment "the children want it." The children's liking or disliking something does not make it a good or bad idea, and good ideas aren't defined by being acceptable to the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get family therapy to get to the root of the issue. I think it's hard for some kids to accept that their parents don't belong together. I felt like this as a kid now as an adult I realize my dad was actually a really terrible husband.

This may not be the whole of the issue too. My dad was not a good husband, and yet, my mom's boyfriend is a loser. Coincidence? Maybe!

Excellent point!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have already broken their family. Do not continue to break their spirits by not listening to them. Post divorce your kids should be your focus. Their happiness trumps yours. Sorry about that.

+10000. Until they are 18, their happiness is yours OP.

Completely agree. OP, you are responsible for your children - one is only 12! You need to put your desires for another marriage aside until either your children accept your finance or they go to college/leave the house or turn 18.

And what if they don't leave the house at 18?

Do you think the supply of quality men goes up as women get older?

Doesn't the supply of quality men. She said this one is the real deal. He can wait.

[Anonymous]

Why get married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why get married?

This. Do you want more kids, OP?

The kids could be reacting to that.