Reply to My boys don't want me to get remarried

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You have already broken their family. Do not continue to break their spirits by not listening to them. Post divorce your kids should be your focus. Their happiness trumps yours. Sorry about that. [/quote]

Strongly disagree with this.

These are teenagers. They should be able to communicate about their feelings and come to an understanding with their mother about her life. Wanting their parents to get back together isn't going to happen. You can talk to them about the specific nature of their concern, but "Because I want you and dad to get back together" is not something that I would find acceptable. I am the parent, not them.[/quote]
This.  Children should not be allowed a deciding vote on adult decisions. [/quote]

I agree with this.  But they are surely entitled to their own views and adult decisions have consequences.  You need to make your decision and accept those.

A few things to add perspective, from someone who has been on the other side.  They may not like him, which they may not want express to you for obvious reasons.  Not least of which is concern that it will get back to him, and then they will have to live with him anyway.  It's totally legitimate for you to make the decision about this situation---they are children and you are the adult---but if you pressure them to feel differently about him or the decision, you are going to damage your relationship with them.

It sounds like they are being extremely civil with him when you all are together.  It's really not fair to ask any more than that, and I don't think it is right to call their concerns selfish.  You are making a unilateral decision that they will live intimately with someone they don't want to; that's a big deal for anyone, especially such young people.  It seems great to you but bad to them; neither point of view is wrong.  You don't have to give in to their position, but if you treat them as if that position is illegitimate or try to guilt them into changing it, you will do long term damage to your relationship.

Living with someone you don't like and feel intruded on by will necessarily result in disputes, and you are going to have to take sides.   Some ground rules about how those will be managed in advance will probably help mitigate this issue.

Family therapy may well be a good idea, so long as it is done honestly. If the children perceive it as an attempt to strong-arm them into being happy about a decision they aren't happy about, I doubt it will be constructive.  But as a way of developing techniques to manage the situation, it makes a lot of sense.  [/quote]

Great post, PP, I agree 100%.  It is for the adults to decide whether to remarry, but you can't demand that the children agree with it or like it.  They are entitled to their own opinion of this man just like you are.  Having the right to do something does not make it a good idea.

Think hard about whether you want to damage your relationship with your son in his last year at home.  [/quote]

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