<vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

The problem that you are now seeing, is that women don't even know what they want. They think they know what they want, because they read it on DCUM, or a COSMO, or some other media driven authority, which tells women what they should want. But very few people, men included, really self-reflect enough to truly understand what they want or what will make them happy. Explaining what you want to someone else, when you yourself don't even really know... well, that' impossible. So, you either don't communicate, or you spout out a bunch of stuff that you heard from someone or somewhere else. Meanwhile, loving partners take you at your word and chase their tales.

Sometimes, the emotional reconnecting, the physical reconnecting needs to happen with yourself, and then you can do it with your partner.

[Anonymous]

Business trips are generally miserable. One thing that keeps me motivated and keeps a smile on face on shitty days is thinking about sex with my wife.

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP...but if you can't make it happen after your DH is away, y'all have bigger problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

I can't speak for your wife. I can only speak for myself. I posted upthread about my DH's and my routine of him texting me when he's on the ground so that I can decompress and transition to a more intimate emotional space and less of a project management one. One thing that really kills the mood is the perceived expectation of sex in any situation. It's not sexy. It doesn't matter if you're hot as hell and rich as sin or you do a ton of work around the house. If you walk in expected to get laid, it's a turn off almost all the time. If your wife says that she needs a stronger emotional connection to you, then that's what she needs. I don't know what that means. Only she knows what it means. When you ask her, "How can we strengthen our emotional connection?" what does she say? Does that conversation happen in any context other than a "I put 50% of the housework, 6x your salary, and physical fitness into the woman vending machine and expect sex to come out" context?

My husband and I are actually in a fairly miserable dry patch at the moment. We had sex a week and a half ago and haven't since then. Before that, it had been another week and a half. We are usually 3-4x a week. I am gigantically pregnant and exhausted all the time. If we could have sex at 11am, I would be game, but by the time it's bed time, I'm just too wiped out. In the morning, there are too many other things going on and he's not really a morning sex person anyway. I don't feel like our overall intimacy level has decreased despite the lack of sex. We touch each other lovingly all the time, kiss each other often, express appreciation, attraction, etc. There is no expectation that those gestures will evolve into anything, though. For me, in times when I have felt resentful of a partner's sex drive, it has always been times when there is expectation.

If your wife will not communicate with you, that's not a good sign. I don't consider that to be a respectful partnership. I would wonder why she was not communicating - is it because she's embarrassed about what she wants? is it because she truly doesn't know what she wants? is it because the actual problem is something that she is embarrassed to communicate to you? does she have longstanding issues related to intimacy and communication?

[Anonymous]

I love post work trip sex. Yes, I'm tired from having? to be the solo parent. But having DH touch me and look at me like I'm the hottest woman in the world and he can't wait to get me naked makes me feel young, hot, and sexy. It's pretty much the only thing I like about DH's work trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

PP, your problem is you're treating your wife like a princess when she wants to be treated like a whore.

You sound boring.

[Anonymous]

If your wife is coming home from a trip and wants sex and you're not giving it to her, she'll just get it in the trip next time, without you knowing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider this a divergence of focus during the time he's away. When he's away, no, he's not thinking about laundry or daycare pick up and drop off. If he's traveling for work, he's probably thinking about work. On the way home, he has time to transition between his work mentality and an "excited to be home" mentality. You, on the other hand, do not have a transition. Your mentality is "children, grocery shopping, laundry, etc." and when he comes home, your "excited for him to be home" mentality is probably driven a lot by relief that he will be able to help you with some of the tasks you've been juggling.

I have been there. What I have done is asked DH to text me when he gets back into town (knowing that he will be home in 30-40 minutes depending on whether he's on the train or at DCA). When I get that text, I stop the domestic stuff to the extent possible and just relax. Set kids up with an activity of some kind that doesn't require a lot of supervision. Sit back and have a glass of wine or cup of tea. Freshen up a little. In my experience, when he gets home, I am no longer harried and feeling like I just need a break. We also table conversations about home logistics stuff until the following morning unless there's something that truly can't wait and just enjoy each other's company. Sometimes sex is involved, sometimes not, but the transitional period is really, really important.

Great advice, great perspective and self-evaluation. You are a intelligent and impressive woman.

+2 I've been there as well, but plan on following this wise advice next time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand he gets lonely and misses me. But does he understand that while he was sleeping in and not doing any laundry or dishes or any cooking or grocery shopping, that I was doing all of that and child care and pick up and drop off and the l.a.s.t. thing I am thinking about is sex, because all I want to do is get 12 hours of sleep?!!!

OP ask him to wait for the weekend when both of you have more energy. It's not pleasant when one wants to and the other doesn't. Bonding is only going to happen when it's both parties. The men on here who think a woman has to service a guy on demand are pretty pathetic. Why they are miserable.

Simply talk to him and find a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your wife is coming home from a trip and wants sex and you're not giving it to her, she'll just get it in the trip next time, without you knowing.

You can use that analogy for anything in the relationship. If the other partner doesn't communicate enough, does enough around the house etc.

If one is going to step out because they don't get their way....then it's time to get a lawyer and be rid of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sure DH will eventually get the message you're sending, and will make sure to have sex with someone else when he's on his trip so he doesn't have to bother you when he returns.

And some of us would love that so we get more ME time! Plus we're not really attracted to DH. Mainly it's that paycheck so let some random woman do all the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You think he was "relaxing" on his business trip? I don't get to relax on my business trips.

Right?!?! How do you think he gets that paycheck that allows you to putter around doing laundry in your Lululemon yoga pants and getting a latte on your way to a soccer game?

Newsflash - you don't get laid because you're a f*cking c*nt.

Struck a nerve, eh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW would echo OP's sentiments. Perhaps she is OP.

What is super frustrating for me is how often I turn down other women who proposition me during business travel. Yes, it really happens, a lot. Then, I come home to someone who can't fathom sex with me.

Marriage is wonderful for lots of things, sex is not among them.

So what, I get hit on all the time. I don't think it means much except there are lots of awful people in the world, since I am obviously married.

She can't have 1 day to get some rest, you need to hump her at the door.

All of a sudden it means she can't "fathom sex with me".. me thinks your tampon is leaking.

PP here, to clarify: if OP just needs a day to recharge, then is ripping her DH's clothes off and having enthusiastic sex, then her request for down time is totally understandable. On the other hand, if the next day is the same as the last day, and sex is just another chore on the to-do list, then I can assure you her DH's days of being faithful are numbered (likely expired). I was projecting how my DW's libido acts on OP, but she could be different, who knows.

Yes a day to recharge. If she is saying that even after sleeping in and her H caring for the kids she is "too tired"... then it is just an excuse.

The H should miss his kids, spend some hours with them, let her nap, then get it on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The young woman who will eventually steal him from you must be getting him revved up. At least he hasn't caved yet.

That's not necessarily true. Even if I have sex during my business trips, I make sure to approach my spouse for sex as soon as I get home.

Why do business travelers think it's so hard to catch them cheating, lol.

If you want to get a disease or get divorced it's your business, but pretty easy to catch a cheater these days with all the technology.
Easy to hire a P.I. in the town they travel to fyi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW would echo OP's sentiments. Perhaps she is OP.

What is super frustrating for me is how often I turn down other women who proposition me during business travel. Yes, it really happens, a lot. Then, I come home to someone who can't fathom sex with me.

Marriage is wonderful for lots of things, sex is not among them.

So what, I get hit on all the time. I don't think it means much except there are lots of awful people in the world, since I am obviously married.

She can't have 1 day to get some rest, you need to hump her at the door.

All of a sudden it means she can't "fathom sex with me".. me thinks your tampon is leaking.

Aren't you a treat. I feel sorry for the poor bastard that got saddled with you. No one mentioned humping at the door. The fact that he misses his wife and desires her when he returns should make the wife feel good. There are many women on this very board that are longing for that reaction from their H. She acts as if the business trip is a vacation. If you've ever been onna business trip, it can wear your ass out. I always look forward to my own bed when I get home

OP's DH will get frustrated or bored from OP's lack of interest/rejection. Initially, it will result in anger and arguments. There will be resentment. Finally, he will have a bad trip, walk innthe door and just think screw it, I'm too tired. Then he will lose interest in OP and find his pep in his step in leaving. 3 years from now, OP will be starting a thread about how she thinks he's cheating on her or about him filing for divorce and her being blindsided. The harpies will all have her back again. In the deepest recesses of her mind, she will remember this thread and remember this prediction and know that Yes! She could have fixed this.

1. She should feel good for being a good parent, not because she is desired. That's a dime a dozen, we are always desired.

2. Yes. It wears my ass out, drinking a lot does that, and plane rides oh the many 1st world problem I must deal with when I travel. The truth is he was getting all horned up at the bar with other women and needs a release.

3. "lack of interest" ... how does I need a nap = lack of interest. The lack of balls on this board is astounding. Grow up .... take care of your kids for a few hours and be a partner.

4. or she is starting a thread that says, my H does not appreciate me and I am banging the neighbor... after she takes a nap. Women cheat more between 28-35, she is in her prime.

5. He could fix this with a simple nap... not counseling, not jewelry, not an expensive house.... a nap... a f'ing nap! ... and actually caring for his own children.