<vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love when the sex-starved morons all post nonsensical responses. Of course, OP is tired and wants to rest. Give her a break!

p.s. There is a reason why no one wants to have sex with you. Your social skills are lacking.

I agree. The nasty morons and cheaters are all incensed and can't fathom why their lives suck. All self inflicted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When people do not want to have sex with each other it is because they do not have physical attraction towards each other. Having sex is like eating the best chocolate icecream...it is a lovely indulgence that is amazingly pleasurable and you do not need to carve out any special time to have it. But what if you are allergic to chocolate or are diabetic or have sensitive teeth? Should the OP not also be craving sex with her husband if he has been gone for a few days? Men who are not getting sex at home need to face that their wives are not into them.

- Very happily married DW

Yes. I'm not craving that man who comes home but we do it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

All you DW's who don't travel on business are completely clueless. My DW just came back from her first business related trip. Two weeks in SF; you think she was on a vacation? She call every day and bitched about everything - the 5star hotel, missing the kids, missing me, missing her friends, the food, the water, and the worst was having to socialize with people she didn't like. She came back a complete wreck and just wanted someone to hold her.

I should have refused her sex like you do.

[Anonymous]

I honestly did not realize until DCUM that so many women complain that their DHs are sexually attracted to them and actually want to have sex with them. I learned that there are so many women out there who married men that they hope never touch them except to conceive.

I understand not wanting to be jumped on the minute he walks in but geez. At least make him a promise.

It is funny because in my household, I am the one sending him "you better be ready when you get back" texts when he is away. We have been married 20 years and after butting heads with teens for a week, I need a release. So yea....since I made through a week without strangling them, DH better be ready to put out in a day or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When people do not want to have sex with each other it is because they do not have physical attraction towards each other. Having sex is like eating the best chocolate icecream...it is a lovely indulgence that is amazingly pleasurable and you do not need to carve out any special time to have it. But what if you are allergic to chocolate or are diabetic or have sensitive teeth? Should the OP not also be craving sex with her husband if he has been gone for a few days? Men who are not getting sex at home need to face that their wives are not into them.

- Very happily married DW

Man here, I agree with this. I have to acknowledge this, even though I am in the shoes of the OP's husband, who is either rejected, or more likely, not rejected because I am not so dumb as to think sex would be on the table when I get home from business. Or work, or anything other than vacation, and then only after a day for her to recharge, and then only once or twice.

Problem - what to do? Subsist in a low-sex marriage? Better than divorce, sure. Get sex elsewhere? BTDT, it's fun, it's also amazing to finally know the problem isn't "me."

In a perfect world, DW would allow the marriage to be open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand he gets lonely and misses me. But does he understand that while he was sleeping in and not doing any laundry or dishes or any cooking or grocery shopping, that I was doing all of that and child care and pick up and drop off and the l.a.s.t. thing I am thinking about is sex, because all I want to do is get 12 hours of sleep?!!!

so you assume that while he's a on a business trip, he's just having fun and sleeping in? right. you have no clue how things work. and f*** your 12 hours lady, lest you want your husband f***ing someone else.

+1 I can't stand the Mommy Martyrs who somehow think that if their husbands are on a business trip that it somehow equates to days of doing nothing. Hello, he's working to support your a** and business trips are not fun and games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW would echo OP's sentiments. Perhaps she is OP.

What is super frustrating for me is how often I turn down other women who proposition me during business travel. Yes, it really happens, a lot. Then, I come home to someone who can't fathom sex with me.

Marriage is wonderful for lots of things, sex is not among them.

Start accepting some of those propositions.

I have accepted those propositions. Every married man with options accepts them, if rejected at home. Affairs aren't all fun and games. I would vastly prefer to just keep it at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You think he was "relaxing" on his business trip? I don't get to relax on my business trips.

Right?!?! How do you think he gets that paycheck that allows you to putter around doing laundry in your Lululemon yoga pants and getting a latte on your way to a soccer game?

Newsflash - you don't get laid because you're a f*cking c*nt.

Struck a nerve, eh?

It's actually pretty funny when assholes attempt to tear down others with over-the-top cliche stereotypes. Lululemon yoga pants, really? Just makes you look spiteful and lazy. Come up with a more creative dig next time. No wonder no one will touch your stuff.

[Anonymous]

I'm kinda a bitch but even id welcome dh home with sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW would echo OP's sentiments. Perhaps she is OP.

What is super frustrating for me is how often I turn down other women who proposition me during business travel. Yes, it really happens, a lot. Then, I come home to someone who can't fathom sex with me.

Marriage is wonderful for lots of things, sex is not among them.

Start accepting some of those propositions.

I have accepted those propositions. Every married man with options accepts them, if rejected at home. Affairs aren't all fun and games. I would vastly prefer to just keep it at home.

Sure you have.

Love hearing the fantasies of the depraved.

[Anonymous]

I love sex when he gets home from a business trip. Yes, it's grueling for me when he's away. 4 kids on my own is a lot of work. But that's the life we chose. I'm grateful that we were able to make those decisions. I miss DH when he's away, and I love knowing he missed me and still wants me after so many years. I know he's exhausted too, because it hasn't been a vacation for him. Long days, missing me and the kids, being around people he doesn't know or like, no home cooked meals, sleeping in a different bed... It feels good to reconnect with him physically and emotionally. And it's usually some pretty exciting sex even though we're both tired. Excitement to be together > exhaustion for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

This is exactly right (as someone who has had periods of low libido.) it is much more about not feeling like turning on the sexual side of myself than anything about him. That said, helping her relax and working on the emotional connection first can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love sex when he gets home from a business trip. Yes, it's grueling for me when he's away. 4 kids on my own is a lot of work. But that's the life we chose. I'm grateful that we were able to make those decisions. I miss DH when he's away, and I love knowing he missed me and still wants me after so many years. I know he's exhausted too, because it hasn't been a vacation for him. Long days, missing me and the kids, being around people he doesn't know or like, no home cooked meals, sleeping in a different bed... It feels good to reconnect with him physically and emotionally. And it's usually some pretty exciting sex even though we're both tired. Excitement to be together > exhaustion for us.

This is really nicely put. I don't understand why people have to complain about the sacrifices they are making. They all chose their lives. You have children, it requires sacrifice. You have a demanding job that requires travel, that's sacrifice. No one has forced anyone into these situations. More importantly, everyone seems to feel entitled to be rewarded for these "sacrifices" they chose to make. I think that there should be a mutual understanding of the sacrifices that everyone makes to make a family work. It seems like you have that in your family. I'm glad that you are happy and in a good relationship.