Reply to <vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?

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Reply to "<vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; [b]for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important[/b]. In good marriages, both are a priority.[/quote]

We have talked about this and my DW says that too.  I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us.  But that's not the whole story.  I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids.  I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more).  She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations.  I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives?  This is what many of us struggle to understand.  We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?[/quote]

I can't speak for your wife. I can only speak for myself. I posted upthread about my DH's and my routine of him texting me when he's on the ground so that I can decompress and transition to a more intimate emotional space and less of a project management one. One thing that really kills the mood is the perceived expectation of sex in any situation. It's not sexy. It doesn't matter if you're hot as hell and rich as sin or you do a ton of work around the house. If you walk in expected to get laid, it's a turn off almost all the time. If your wife says that she needs a stronger emotional connection to you, then that's what she needs. I don't know what that means. Only she knows what it means. When you ask her, "How can we strengthen our emotional connection?" what does she say? Does that conversation happen in any context other than a "I put 50% of the housework, 6x your salary, and physical fitness into the woman vending machine and expect sex to come out" context?

My husband and I are actually in a fairly miserable dry patch at the moment. We had sex a week and a half ago and haven't since then. Before that, it had been another week and a half. We are usually 3-4x a week. I am gigantically pregnant and exhausted all the time. If we could have sex at 11am, I would be game, but by the time it's bed time, I'm just too wiped out. In the morning, there are too many other things going on and he's not really a morning sex person anyway. I don't feel like our overall intimacy level has decreased despite the lack of sex. We touch each other lovingly all the time, kiss each other often, express appreciation, attraction, etc. There is no expectation that those gestures will evolve into anything, though. For me, in times when I have felt resentful of a partner's sex drive, it has always been times when there is expectation.

If your wife will not communicate with you, that's not a good sign. I don't consider that to be a respectful partnership. I would wonder why she was not communicating - is it because she's embarrassed about what she wants? is it because she truly doesn't know what she wants? is it because the actual problem is something that she is embarrassed to communicate to you? does she have longstanding issues related to intimacy and communication? [/quote]

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