Critique me: 28 yr old Af Am woman who wants marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have some online dating advice that really saved me. It took me years to realize, but it made a huge difference immediately.

Only engage with men who state they want a monogamous relationship, hope for marriage, etc. Do NOT engage with men who say they are looking to be friends and see where it goes, etc. The men who state outright what they hope to find - not that they plan to settle or rush it, but that they want it in their life - are the ones you want. The ones who dance around it or say they want to date and see what happens...they are not currently in the same headspace as you. THey may get there later, but that doesnt help you. Once I made this a line for me, in reviewing profiles, my dates went SO much better and I had multiple long term relationships ending with the one I married. Online dating can be death by a thousand papercuts (rejection, ghosting, etc), but it really can work out so well if you are discerning in your selection. It may mean long "dry" spells, but keep your life hopes in mind - marriage, family etc. And look for that in them. Im excited for you. I know its hard for all women - esp in DC area - and probably even harder for minorities, but I think you got this =)

I don't know. There's a lot of social pressure on a man to "play it cool" when it comes to this stuff. Men are socialized to not come out any say that they are looking for marriage, even if they are. A man who brings up, or seems interested in marriage, early on is going to come across as an oddball, or desperate, to most women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't express wanting to settle down early.

I have heard this....why is this a kiss of death?

+ 1

I think you should wait & disclose this fact after getting to know someone well first.

Many men will get scared off by this declaration because they will automatically feel
some pressure put on them.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should shy away from saying you want to settle down if that's what you want. Who cares if you scare away a few guys? If that scares them away you probably wouldn't have been a good match anyway.

Better to find out early on than after two years of dancing around commitment issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should shy away from saying you want to settle down if that's what you want. Who cares if you scare away a few guys? If that scares them away you probably wouldn't have been a good match anyway.

Better to find out early on than after two years of dancing around commitment issues.

+1

[Anonymous]

I really lucked out with my DH, but when I first started dating him, I literally burst out laughing when my friend asked me if I'd ever marry him.

Of course, I was still young then, and so you have a little less time than me (about five years, so not critical), but I do think that if I was looking for a husband, I'd have kept striking out.

HAVING SAID THAT, the paradox is that you don't want someone who is great at dating, horrible at marriage (or, put another way, great at traveling, horrible at the daily grind).

What is it, specifically, that makes you feel eager to settle down? People do truly flock to people who are somewhat self-sufficient/not needy, but open to others.

And I'll also say that it would help to date outside your ethnic background. (I'm Jewish, and some of my Jewish friends have had a hard time dating because they limit themselves to Jewish men, who are notorious for dating out. And the J-Date site is awful, I hear. So I ended up with an Asian husband, who is wonderful.)

What I *wouldn't* focus on, so much, is your appearance, because frankly, I have not noticed it to make much difference. Perhaps on the contrary, the too-put together ladies sometimes come off as too high-maintenance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really lucked out with my DH, but when I first started dating him, I literally burst out laughing when my friend asked me if I'd ever marry him.

Of course, I was still young then, and so you have a little less time than me (about five years, so not critical), but I do think that if I was looking for a husband, I'd have kept striking out.

HAVING SAID THAT, the paradox is that you don't want someone who is great at dating, horrible at marriage (or, put another way, great at traveling, horrible at the daily grind).

What is it, specifically, that makes you feel eager to settle down? People do truly flock to people who are somewhat self-sufficient/not needy, but open to others.

And I'll also say that it would help to date outside your ethnic background. (I'm Jewish, and some of my Jewish friends have had a hard time dating because they limit themselves to Jewish men, who are notorious for dating out. And the J-Date site is awful, I hear. So I ended up with an Asian husband, who is wonderful.)

What I *wouldn't* focus on, so much, is your appearance, because frankly, I have not noticed it to make much difference. Perhaps on the contrary, the too-put together ladies sometimes come off as too high-maintenance.

+1. I have a friend--late 30s, AA, decently attractive, never married, very well-educated--who wants to get married at some point. I think she comes off as too high-maintenance. Hair and makeup are always perfect, always dressed in heels, still goes to bars/clubs. I don't think she comes across as down to earth, and therefore I think the "marriage material" men are probably scared off, although I wouldn't tell her that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should shy away from saying you want to settle down if that's what you want. Who cares if you scare away a few guys? If that scares them away you probably wouldn't have been a good match anyway.

Better to find out early on than after two years of dancing around commitment issues.

thats what I am definitely trying to avoid. Im already 28.

[Anonymous]

At your age I would say saying you want to settle down is perfectly normal and even expected. If you were 19 I'd tell you to relax, if you were 49 I'd tell you a lot of guys in your age range might not be looking to settle down anymore (since many are probably coming off a relationship_.

25-35 is the age range at which most people are looking to settle down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really lucked out with my DH, but when I first started dating him, I literally burst out laughing when my friend asked me if I'd ever marry him.

Of course, I was still young then, and so you have a little less time than me (about five years, so not critical), but I do think that if I was looking for a husband, I'd have kept striking out.

HAVING SAID THAT, the paradox is that you don't want someone who is great at dating, horrible at marriage (or, put another way, great at traveling, horrible at the daily grind).

What is it, specifically, that makes you feel eager to settle down? People do truly flock to people who are somewhat self-sufficient/not needy, but open to others.

And I'll also say that it would help to date outside your ethnic background. (I'm Jewish, and some of my Jewish friends have had a hard time dating because they limit themselves to Jewish men, who are notorious for dating out. And the J-Date site is awful, I hear. So I ended up with an Asian husband, who is wonderful.)

What I *wouldn't* focus on, so much, is your appearance, because frankly, I have not noticed it to make much difference. Perhaps on the contrary, the too-put together ladies sometimes come off as too high-maintenance.

+1. I have a friend--late 30s, AA, decently attractive, never married, very well-educated--who wants to get married at some point. I think she comes off as too high-maintenance. Hair and makeup are always perfect, always dressed in heels, still goes to bars/clubs. I don't think she comes across as down to earth, and therefore I think the "marriage material" men are probably scared off, although I wouldn't tell her that.

Interesting, but I know alot of AA and Nigerian girls who are always put together and are happily dating and married to quality, educated guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really lucked out with my DH, but when I first started dating him, I literally burst out laughing when my friend asked me if I'd ever marry him.

Of course, I was still young then, and so you have a little less time than me (about five years, so not critical), but I do think that if I was looking for a husband, I'd have kept striking out.

HAVING SAID THAT, the paradox is that you don't want someone who is great at dating, horrible at marriage (or, put another way, great at traveling, horrible at the daily grind).

What is it, specifically, that makes you feel eager to settle down? People do truly flock to people who are somewhat self-sufficient/not needy, but open to others.

And I'll also say that it would help to date outside your ethnic background. (I'm Jewish, and some of my Jewish friends have had a hard time dating because they limit themselves to Jewish men, who are notorious for dating out. And the J-Date site is awful, I hear. So I ended up with an Asian husband, who is wonderful.)

What I *wouldn't* focus on, so much, is your appearance, because frankly, I have not noticed it to make much difference. Perhaps on the contrary, the too-put together ladies sometimes come off as too high-maintenance.

I am ready to settle down cause I feel that I have taken care of myself in other aspects and want to grow with someone. I am tired of the dating, uncertainty, flakiness of the scene, esp as an black woman. being independent can be expensive and exhausting sometimes, always having to be on top of everything. Just being honest.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really lucked out with my DH, but when I first started dating him, I literally burst out laughing when my friend asked me if I'd ever marry him.

Of course, I was still young then, and so you have a little less time than me (about five years, so not critical), but I do think that if I was looking for a husband, I'd have kept striking out.

HAVING SAID THAT, the paradox is that you don't want someone who is great at dating, horrible at marriage (or, put another way, great at traveling, horrible at the daily grind).

What is it, specifically, that makes you feel eager to settle down? People do truly flock to people who are somewhat self-sufficient/not needy, but open to others.

And I'll also say that it would help to date outside your ethnic background. (I'm Jewish, and some of my Jewish friends have had a hard time dating because they limit themselves to Jewish men, who are notorious for dating out. And the J-Date site is awful, I hear. So I ended up with an Asian husband, who is wonderful.)

What I *wouldn't* focus on, so much, is your appearance, because frankly, I have not noticed it to make much difference. Perhaps on the contrary, the too-put together ladies sometimes come off as too high-maintenance.

+1. I have a friend--late 30s, AA, decently attractive, never married, very well-educated--who wants to get married at some point. I think she comes off as too high-maintenance. Hair and makeup are always perfect, always dressed in heels, still goes to bars/clubs. I don't think she comes across as down to earth, and therefore I think the "marriage material" men are probably scared off, although I wouldn't tell her that.

Interesting, but I know alot of AA and Nigerian girls who are always put together and are happily dating and married to quality, educated guys.

PP here. I agree with you, but I think it's a little extra in the case of my friend. Sometimes women who come off as high maintenance have a certain air.

[Anonymous]

What is going on here? You are getting some terrible advice here. Don't say you want to settle, don't be too put-together? What?

That's a perfect way of meeting the wrong person. Be exactly who you are and never be anybody else. Only then will you find someone that's perfect for you.

[Anonymous]

yellow bone or red bone?

[Anonymous]

You sound like a great catch. You might have better luck meeting a life partner at church/temple, a civic group, book club, or that sort of thing vs the bar/club scene. Find someone who you have more in common with at a deeper level right off the bat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is going on here? You are getting some terrible advice here. Don't say you want to settle, don't be too put-together? What?

That's a perfect way of meeting the wrong person. Be exactly who you are and never be anybody else. Only then will you find someone that's perfect for you.

I'm the put-together PP, and I just meant it as, don't put more effort into your appearance than you're already putting in, I don't think that's the essential thing. I'm not saying the OP should become a slob. I think some of the more down-to-earth guys do shy away from high-maintenance women, but she might not be interested in them anyway.