Critique me: 28 yr old Af Am woman who wants marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hit up Afropolitan this Friday. Dress to impress. Find similar events. Go with one girlfriend. Or alone if you have the confidence too. Be selective/mindful about where you go to socialize. Shop/dine/exercise in places where your type would congregate. Black churches are a waste of time for socializing.Receive the word and bounce! Single, heterosexual black men aren't usually in church. The few in attendance are grossly outnumbered.

I'm going to be laughing until the end of the week about "receive the word bounce!"

OP, I'm an AA woman and close to 20 years older than you. I'm cringing at the advice to laugh more because there's nothing more counterproductive than an ungenuine laugh.

That said, men are more attracted to someone who can laugh and don't take the world too seriously. Not saying you have to be a goofball, just comfortable with yourself enough that others are comfortable with you. I think it's difficult if you're doing well for yourself because if you're like I was, you've acclimated yourself to harsh judgement, which usually leads to judging others harshly. But rapport builds when you can knock the judgement barrier down.

I'm also not saying you should give up judgement altogether, because there are some knuckleheads out there. But worry less about credentials or how you think you're being perceived and the person you really are - and what you want to find in another person - will be easier to recognize and get to know.

AA woman here - been married 2x. 19 years the first time, just got married again. Had no problem finding a great black professional husband either time. I was wide open to date everyone, he just happens to be black. I will say this about black women, the church thing is just too much. Black women are like a cliché. Most guys I know do not want all of the Jesus talk. Some black women want to be so damn wholesome or something. Go have fun. That's why there are so many women in church. When I met my second husband, on our first date I was cussing (not crazy, but still cussing), and said oh, are you religious and he just looked at me like, cuss away!

I'm also a triathlete. That went a long way in meeting guys. They love that. When I met my husband I was training for a marathon. We talk about it now. That convinced him that if I'm training for a marathon at 49, the likelihood of me getting fat was minimal. He also was relieved when he saw my mother (that's real - as they say, if you want to know what your wife is going to look like after she gets older, look at her mom). Fitness is really important to us both.

I will add this, my second husband is retired Air Force. It's interesting. Even though he is very well educated and super successful, I think this would have turned me off when I married the first time. The first time, I was looking form Mr. Morehouse (I went to Spelman) and my first husband was a Morehouse man. Now, I'm like hot damn, they sell Hermes bags at the Navy Exchange store on Walter Reed's campus.

You sound obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

34 yo African woman married with two kids here:

I haven’t read the thread, so this might be repetitive, but here goes.

There’s nothing wrong with you or the many single African American women in this country. The problem is that African American men are the least likely to marry anyone.
—Only 40% of African American men will EVER marry anyone of any gender or color
—The minority of African American men who do ever marry tend to marry at much older ages than everyone else
—African American men’s marriages have the highest divorce rate. In fact, African American men’s marriages to white women have the highest divorce rate of any pairing (whether monoracial or interracial).

In a world in which the majority of people marry within their group, African American men’s very low marriage rates and poor marriage outcomes leave African American women at a real disadvantage.

African women marry at higher rates than white women and stay married. And it’s not because we have some secret. A big part of the reason is that our men are marriage minded. It’s much easier to get married and stay married when your natural counterparts want to get married and stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hit up Afropolitan this Friday. Dress to impress. Find similar events. Go with one girlfriend. Or alone if you have the confidence too. Be selective/mindful about where you go to socialize. Shop/dine/exercise in places where your type would congregate. Black churches are a waste of time for socializing.Receive the word and bounce! Single, heterosexual black men aren't usually in church. The few in attendance are grossly outnumbered.

I'm going to be laughing until the end of the week about "receive the word bounce!"

OP, I'm an AA woman and close to 20 years older than you. I'm cringing at the advice to laugh more because there's nothing more counterproductive than an ungenuine laugh.

That said, men are more attracted to someone who can laugh and don't take the world too seriously. Not saying you have to be a goofball, just comfortable with yourself enough that others are comfortable with you. I think it's difficult if you're doing well for yourself because if you're like I was, you've acclimated yourself to harsh judgement, which usually leads to judging others harshly. But rapport builds when you can knock the judgement barrier down.

I'm also not saying you should give up judgement altogether, because there are some knuckleheads out there. But worry less about credentials or how you think you're being perceived and the person you really are - and what you want to find in another person - will be easier to recognize and get to know.

AA woman here - been married 2x. 19 years the first time, just got married again. Had no problem finding a great black professional husband either time. I was wide open to date everyone, he just happens to be black. I will say this about black women, the church thing is just too much. Black women are like a cliché. Most guys I know do not want all of the Jesus talk. Some black women want to be so damn wholesome or something. Go have fun. That's why there are so many women in church. When I met my second husband, on our first date I was cussing (not crazy, but still cussing), and said oh, are you religious and he just looked at me like, cuss away!

I'm also a triathlete. That went a long way in meeting guys. They love that. When I met my husband I was training for a marathon. We talk about it now. That convinced him that if I'm training for a marathon at 49, the likelihood of me getting fat was minimal. He also was relieved when he saw my mother (that's real - as they say, if you want to know what your wife is going to look like after she gets older, look at her mom). Fitness is really important to us both.

I will add this, my second husband is retired Air Force. It's interesting. Even though he is very well educated and super successful, I think this would have turned me off when I married the first time. The first time, I was looking form Mr. Morehouse (I went to Spelman) and my first husband was a Morehouse man. Now, I'm like hot damn, they sell Hermes bags at the Navy Exchange store on Walter Reed's campus.

African woman here.

The fact that an AA woman has to be a triathlete, distance herself from her faith, prove that she won’t get fat, and jump through so many hoops in order to get married the way so many regular women of other groups do says a lot. I’m a regular African woman and I had my pick of well educated African men, as well as men of other groups. I ended up marrying a nice Jewish doctor and becoming a suburban housewife because he spent 2 years asking me out over and over. My only regret is that he won’t move back to my country with me now that I’ve tired of America. Otherwise, I’m happy after 16 years of marriage and he still loves me and takes wonderful care of me and our kids. You shouldn’t have to go through so much to get married to a successful man. AA women have my sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd try JDate.

Isn’t this site for Jewish singles?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd try JDate.

Isn’t this site for Jewish singles?

Technically yes. But an African American woman interested in meeting Jewish men would probably meet quite a few. African American men, especially highly educated ones, date Jewish women all the time. African American women are often a little more hesitant to make this move, but some do with good results.

[Anonymous]

If I was a lesbian I would totally date you and would not be put off by your honesty about wanting to settle down. Sadly, men are into chase and all that "manly" nonsense. So, honestly? Play coy, you are a great catch, act accordingly. I don't like giving this advice, as a matter of fact, I would prefer to tell you the exact opposite, that no man is worth it if you can't be honest. But, if you want to get a bit further into relationship, maybe you should try "hard to catch," approach.

[Anonymous]

Dang! Why, why would you resurrect a thread from 2017??? I thought, "finally, an interesting thread!"

[Anonymous]

Date interracial. Seriously. None of my bright, beautiful, successful AfAm women friends are happily married or partnered at all... unless they date outside the race. I’m not black, but in an interracial relationship myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh, you didn't really give any negative info.

lol ok some negatives

can be defensive, and come off guarded
can be snappy
sometimes interrupt ppl when they talk

OP, how about some self compassion. Everyone in this town is snappy. Dont even get me started on the interrupting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hit up Afropolitan this Friday. Dress to impress. Find similar events. Go with one girlfriend. Or alone if you have the confidence too. Be selective/mindful about where you go to socialize. Shop/dine/exercise in places where your type would congregate. Black churches are a waste of time for socializing.Receive the word and bounce! Single, heterosexual black men aren't usually in church. The few in attendance are grossly outnumbered.

I'm going to be laughing until the end of the week about "receive the word bounce!"

OP, I'm an AA woman and close to 20 years older than you. I'm cringing at the advice to laugh more because there's nothing more counterproductive than an ungenuine laugh.

That said, men are more attracted to someone who can laugh and don't take the world too seriously. Not saying you have to be a goofball, just comfortable with yourself enough that others are comfortable with you. I think it's difficult if you're doing well for yourself because if you're like I was, you've acclimated yourself to harsh judgement, which usually leads to judging others harshly. But rapport builds when you can knock the judgement barrier down.

I'm also not saying you should give up judgement altogether, because there are some knuckleheads out there. But worry less about credentials or how you think you're being perceived and the person you really are - and what you want to find in another person - will be easier to recognize and get to know.

AA woman here - been married 2x. 19 years the first time, just got married again. Had no problem finding a great black professional husband either time. I was wide open to date everyone, he just happens to be black. I will say this about black women, the church thing is just too much. Black women are like a cliché. Most guys I know do not want all of the Jesus talk. Some black women want to be so damn wholesome or something. Go have fun. That's why there are so many women in church. When I met my second husband, on our first date I was cussing (not crazy, but still cussing), and said oh, are you religious and he just looked at me like, cuss away!

I'm also a triathlete. That went a long way in meeting guys. They love that. When I met my husband I was training for a marathon. We talk about it now. That convinced him that if I'm training for a marathon at 49, the likelihood of me getting fat was minimal. He also was relieved when he saw my mother (that's real - as they say, if you want to know what your wife is going to look like after she gets older, look at her mom). Fitness is really important to us both.

I will add this, my second husband is retired Air Force. It's interesting. Even though he is very well educated and super successful, I think this would have turned me off when I married the first time. The first time, I was looking form Mr. Morehouse (I went to Spelman) and my first husband was a Morehouse man. Now, I'm like hot damn, they sell Hermes bags at the Navy Exchange store on Walter Reed's campus.

African woman here.

The fact that an AA woman has to be a triathlete, distance herself from her faith, prove that she won’t get fat, and jump through so many hoops in order to get married the way so many regular women of other groups do says a lot. I’m a regular African woman and I had my pick of well educated African men, as well as men of other groups. I ended up marrying a nice Jewish doctor and becoming a suburban housewife because he spent 2 years asking me out over and over. My only regret is that he won’t move back to my country with me now that I’ve tired of America. Otherwise, I’m happy after 16 years of marriage and he still loves me and takes wonderful care of me and our kids. You shouldn’t have to go through so much to get married to a successful man. AA women have my sympathy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Seriously, move on people. OP might be married by now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dang! Why, why would you resurrect a thread from 2017??? I thought, "finally, an interesting thread!"

I'm the bumper. I bumped it up because I found it very interesting, OP seemed really nice and sincere, and I hoped OP was still around to update. Also, I'm a biracial woman who meet my white DH at 33 and married at 35, so OP's plight resonated with me. It's still interesting and relevant a few years later, right? And it made you forget the Rona for a second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hit up Afropolitan this Friday. Dress to impress. Find similar events. Go with one girlfriend. Or alone if you have the confidence too. Be selective/mindful about where you go to socialize. Shop/dine/exercise in places where your type would congregate. Black churches are a waste of time for socializing.Receive the word and bounce! Single, heterosexual black men aren't usually in church. The few in attendance are grossly outnumbered.

I'm going to be laughing until the end of the week about "receive the word bounce!"

OP, I'm an AA woman and close to 20 years older than you. I'm cringing at the advice to laugh more because there's nothing more counterproductive than an ungenuine laugh.

That said, men are more attracted to someone who can laugh and don't take the world too seriously. Not saying you have to be a goofball, just comfortable with yourself enough that others are comfortable with you. I think it's difficult if you're doing well for yourself because if you're like I was, you've acclimated yourself to harsh judgement, which usually leads to judging others harshly. But rapport builds when you can knock the judgement barrier down.

I'm also not saying you should give up judgement altogether, because there are some knuckleheads out there. But worry less about credentials or how you think you're being perceived and the person you really are - and what you want to find in another person - will be easier to recognize and get to know.

AA woman here - been married 2x. 19 years the first time, just got married again. Had no problem finding a great black professional husband either time. I was wide open to date everyone, he just happens to be black. I will say this about black women, the church thing is just too much. Black women are like a cliché. Most guys I know do not want all of the Jesus talk. Some black women want to be so damn wholesome or something. Go have fun. That's why there are so many women in church. When I met my second husband, on our first date I was cussing (not crazy, but still cussing), and said oh, are you religious and he just looked at me like, cuss away!

I'm also a triathlete. That went a long way in meeting guys. They love that. When I met my husband I was training for a marathon. We talk about it now. That convinced him that if I'm training for a marathon at 49, the likelihood of me getting fat was minimal. He also was relieved when he saw my mother (that's real - as they say, if you want to know what your wife is going to look like after she gets older, look at her mom). Fitness is really important to us both.

I will add this, my second husband is retired Air Force. It's interesting. Even though he is very well educated and super successful, I think this would have turned me off when I married the first time. The first time, I was looking form Mr. Morehouse (I went to Spelman) and my first husband was a Morehouse man. Now, I'm like hot damn, they sell Hermes bags at the Navy Exchange store on Walter Reed's campus.

African woman here.

The fact that an AA woman has to be a triathlete, distance herself from her faith, prove that she won’t get fat, and jump through so many hoops in order to get married the way so many regular women of other groups do says a lot. I’m a regular African woman and I had my pick of well educated African men, as well as men of other groups. I ended up marrying a nice Jewish doctor and becoming a suburban housewife because he spent 2 years asking me out over and over. My only regret is that he won’t move back to my country with me now that I’ve tired of America. Otherwise, I’m happy after 16 years of marriage and he still loves me and takes wonderful care of me and our kids. You shouldn’t have to go through so much to get married to a successful man. AA women have my sympathy.

I don’t do any of these things because I thought I needed them to get a man. I’m a triathlete because I like my body to look good. I like to be healthy. I am not religious. It’s not because I care about what anyone thinks about it. I didn’t grow up in the church and so I have no affinity to it. I’m just saying that I know a lot of African-American women who live in church. It’s like they’re married to church. I don’t distance myself from church. I just have no interest in it. You state that you are a suburban housewife. That would cause me to slit my wrists. To each his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello, I am a 28 yr Old Af Am woman tired to the dating scene want wants a quality partner. I want honest feedback from happpily married ppl on what i am doing wrong

Details
28 years old
Security Engineer with a Masters
Slim hourglass build (recently lost 25 pounds)
Natural hair, brown skin, white straight teeth,
Dress stylish, gym 4x a week, get manis/pedis/do masks

Interests: hiking, working out, festivals, cooking, travel

Dating details
- have usually dated men in 30s who are same ethnicity
- express wanting to settle down early
-they seem on board, but relationships die, had sex with some, some I didnt
-a few had sex too early
-I have tried online, but prefer in person
- have been told I should come off warmer and open minded

Right now I am trying to open up more and be as social I can be within my busy schedule. I would really appreciate some hard, honest feedback

Are you open to white males? I am one and you seem nice.