Critique me: 28 yr old Af Am woman who wants marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really lucked out with my DH, but when I first started dating him, I literally burst out laughing when my friend asked me if I'd ever marry him.

Of course, I was still young then, and so you have a little less time than me (about five years, so not critical), but I do think that if I was looking for a husband, I'd have kept striking out.

HAVING SAID THAT, the paradox is that you don't want someone who is great at dating, horrible at marriage (or, put another way, great at traveling, horrible at the daily grind).

What is it, specifically, that makes you feel eager to settle down? People do truly flock to people who are somewhat self-sufficient/not needy, but open to others.

And I'll also say that it would help to date outside your ethnic background. (I'm Jewish, and some of my Jewish friends have had a hard time dating because they limit themselves to Jewish men, who are notorious for dating out. And the J-Date site is awful, I hear. So I ended up with an Asian husband, who is wonderful.)

What I *wouldn't* focus on, so much, is your appearance, because frankly, I have not noticed it to make much difference. Perhaps on the contrary, the too-put together ladies sometimes come off as too high-maintenance.

I am ready to settle down cause I feel that I have taken care of myself in other aspects and want to grow with someone. I am tired of the dating, uncertainty, flakiness of the scene, esp as an black woman. being independent can be expensive and exhausting sometimes, always having to be on top of everything. Just being honest.....

I'm the PP, and you sound a lot like my sister, she was always a goal-achiever, she worked hard on the career/looks/education aspects of her life and tried to apply the same approach to dating, but it didn't work well for her. Relationships are more like, well, friendships, than like building a career or pursuing a goal. It's possible (I can't know, of course) that this sense of wanting to share your life's burdens with your partner is what's scaring the men off. Because, as other PPs said, otherwise you sound like a great catch. (And I'm not being sarcastic here.)

[Anonymous]

You sound like a good catch! Since you are looking for a college educated man have you tried to get involved with your colleges alumni society in the area? That might be a good way to reconnect and meet new people.

Also you really should be open to dating outside your race. I'm also AA and I definitely grew up thinking I would marry someone from the same race and have the perfect black family trying to check a certain box is not worth potentially closing yourself off to finding someone who complements and loves you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really lucked out with my DH, but when I first started dating him, I literally burst out laughing when my friend asked me if I'd ever marry him.

Of course, I was still young then, and so you have a little less time than me (about five years, so not critical), but I do think that if I was looking for a husband, I'd have kept striking out.

HAVING SAID THAT, the paradox is that you don't want someone who is great at dating, horrible at marriage (or, put another way, great at traveling, horrible at the daily grind).

What is it, specifically, that makes you feel eager to settle down? People do truly flock to people who are somewhat self-sufficient/not needy, but open to others.

And I'll also say that it would help to date outside your ethnic background. (I'm Jewish, and some of my Jewish friends have had a hard time dating because they limit themselves to Jewish men, who are notorious for dating out. And the J-Date site is awful, I hear. So I ended up with an Asian husband, who is wonderful.)

What I *wouldn't* focus on, so much, is your appearance, because frankly, I have not noticed it to make much difference. Perhaps on the contrary, the too-put together ladies sometimes come off as too high-maintenance.

I am ready to settle down cause I feel that I have taken care of myself in other aspects and want to grow with someone. I am tired of the dating, uncertainty, flakiness of the scene, esp as an black woman. being independent can be expensive and exhausting sometimes, always having to be on top of everything. Just being honest.....

I'm the PP, and you sound a lot like my sister, she was always a goal-achiever, she worked hard on the career/looks/education aspects of her life and tried to apply the same approach to dating, but it didn't work well for her. Relationships are more like, well, friendships, than like building a career or pursuing a goal. It's possible (I can't know, of course) that this sense of wanting to share your life's burdens with your partner is what's scaring the men off. Because, as other PPs said, otherwise you sound like a great catch. (And I'm not being sarcastic here.)

OP....thank you, never saw it like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you find someone you "click" with, none of the dating rules matter. I'm not saying I believe in soulmates, or that "the one" is out there. But throughout life, you will meet people who just feel right, who feel like members of your tribe, people who get you and with whom conversation and interaction feels right and natural. When that happens in a romantic context, you shouldn't need to follow a set of rigid rules and feel like you're running a gauntlet to avoid dating pitfalls. I am married to a wonderful guy. I broke just about every rule in the book, including sleeping with him on the first date. I'm not saying it was a good idea - just that relationships and chemistry are intangible, and there is no "path" to finding love. Maximize your chances by meeting a lot of people, being social, and hanging out in places where you're likely to meet single men. Don't discount keeping your female social circle strong - the more people you connect with, the more people you'll meet at parties, etc.

This.

[Anonymous]

1. Avoid talk about wanting to settle down until you've been dating awhile.
2. Be a better listener
3. Relax and laugh a lot

[Anonymous]

You sound like you have everything in order. So now you need to put yourself out there--not just online dating, but project an attitude to the world of openness, friendlieness, smile. get out there and talk to people, throw a party, join some groups, try a new sport, initiate conversations, imagine yourself projecting a sunny, confident and welcoming attitude, as if you are happy to be here, alive, in great shape, young and hot. That is a very different attitude than "I'm 28, I've worked on myself and I'm ready to settle down." This does not mean lowering your standards, but perhaps you are not open as much to people as you could be.

and, good luck! I wish I could introduce you to my brother but he lives in california and is probably too old for you.

[Anonymous]

I agree with some of the other advice...I'm recently divorced and have had good luck with dating. I always try to seem open and happy to meet new people. It's done wonders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with some of the other advice...I'm recently divorced and have had good luck with dating. I always try to seem open and happy to meet new people. It's done wonders.

It is so freeing as a divorcee no pressure to settle down, have kids, a house... All those societal goal posts are gone and I can just do what I want and have fun

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you have everything in order. So now you need to put yourself out there--not just online dating, but project an attitude to the world of openness, friendlieness, smile. get out there and talk to people, throw a party, join some groups, try a new sport, initiate conversations, imagine yourself projecting a sunny, confident and welcoming attitude, as if you are happy to be here, alive, in great shape, young and hot. That is a very different attitude than "I'm 28, I've worked on myself and I'm ready to settle down." This does not mean lowering your standards, but perhaps you are not open as much to people as you could be.

and, good luck! I wish I could introduce you to my brother but he lives in california and is probably too old for you.

lol thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a great catch. You might have better luck meeting a life partner at church/temple, a civic group, book club, or that sort of thing vs the bar/club scene. Find someone who you have more in common with at a deeper level right off the bat.

her notch count is too high for a religious guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yellow bone or red bone?

Oh, shut up. This is why we can't tell y'all anything.

[Anonymous]

I second the PP's who suggest being open and not rigidly adhering to set criteria.

For example, my DH did not have a college degree when we met in our mid 20's. A college degree was something I would definitely say was on my list of criteria but my DH is/was smart and we had great conversations and chemistry. Before we married, he went back and finished his Bachelors and now is working on a Masters degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh, you didn't really give any negative info.

lol ok some negatives

can be defensive, and come off guarded
can be snappy
sometimes interrupt ppl when they talk

NP. Not a big deal. No one is perfect, but it sounds like you come pretty close!

That's what happens when you critique yourself... Willing to bet a 3rd party would dish out worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh, you didn't really give any negative info.

lol ok some negatives

can be defensive, and come off guarded
can be snappy
sometimes interrupt ppl when they talk

NP. Not a big deal. No one is perfect, but it sounds like you come pretty close!

That's what happens when you critique yourself... Willing to bet a 3rd party would dish out worse.

Explain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a great catch. You might have better luck meeting a life partner at church/temple, a civic group, book club, or that sort of thing vs the bar/club scene. Find someone who you have more in common with at a deeper level right off the bat.

her notch count is too high for a religious guy

Never said my "notch count" in my original post, but ok.