Critique me: 28 yr old Af Am woman who wants marriage

[Anonymous]

Damn I like you pp. OP you sound great. Just be yourself. Take a class, join an activity, believe that you deserve love, and be open. Maybe he is in an all black package, maybe he isn't, wishing you joy and luck from white woman who could have written this post at 28. I met my now husband at 34. Happily married. He is Asian just for demographics. There was a serious eharmony relationship in the middle but it didn't work out because I still needed to work on being me. He wasn't right for me but my point being focus on yourself. Figure out what brings you joy and laughter. Be open. Also you gotta play to win. He isn't going to knock on your door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 32 y.o AA woman who is married. I've read this entire thread. Here is my after many conversations about this topic with my dad (who is black), my husband (who is carribean) and my brother in law who is single and a dentist.

1. "God fearing"- How often do you walk into a black church and see more women than men? Quite often right? Well a lot of men might believe in God, but organized religion is not the first thing on their mind. (Most black Men I know only start go to church after they have settled down and got married, if they even go then.) If you don't want to compromise on this, you will lose a large population from which to choose. My husband grew up in the church and said he was agnostic when we met. We now go to church as a family, and it's no problem. The right man can be guided back to church if it's a priority to you.

2. "College Educated"- Why do you care about this so much? There are plumbers, electricians, and former military in DC making 6 figures with NO COLLEGE DEBT!!!! Sounds like you are more about status than the person. Get over that "power couple" ideal that you have created in your head and you will go farther. Additionally, we all know that there are 10x more black women with degrees than black men. What makes you more special than the other 9 women out there competing for this same man? I'm not being an a-hole, just saying you have a LOT of competition for this pool of men. Don't limit yourself.

3. "Are you willing to build this man up"- Culturally we have a problem. Black women raise their daughters to be "independent women" (thank Beyoncé!) while black women raise their sons with a desire to be treated like kings. So where is the problem? Black men want their women to build them up, while black women want to prove how independent of men we are. The two don't mix. According to my brother in law, this is why he dates outside of his race. According to him, after a long day at work he wants to feel appreciated at home and not nagged to death. When I read your post it screamed "look how great I am". That independent attitude can be turn off for the population you want.

I hope this helps. I'm sure I'll probably get torn a new one for my honesty, but this is the most honest advice I can give you.

From a happily married black woman: You have low standards and give terrible advice. Trying to "guide" an agnostic back to church after marriage? Marrying a man of significantly different educational attainment? Spending your life "building up" a man with low self-esteem? You are giving her the best advice for ending up unhappily married to the first guy who comes along and quickly divorced.

Op here. Sorry still catching up, thanks for your response as well. So much to take in.

Married black female PP here.

OP, if your goal is just to get married so you can say that you, too, achieved that milestone, then your task is pretty easy. Do what the PP advised and accept a man who meets none of your standards. That will broaden your pool considerably and, if you are obedient and demand nothing (God forbid you nag!), the man will propose quickly. Getting married is easy.

The question is: do you want to be happy in the marriage? And do you want to stay married? Because bending your standards to the point of having few standards and putting a man first in everything is a sure fire way to end up with someone you cannot stand. After the feeling of achievement has worn off - I got married too! No more single black female -- you will have to live with this person and all that they do or do not bring to the table. Can you imagine being married to the kind of man who yells "I should have married one of them white bitches!" whenever you say or do anything he doesn't like? I have an acquaintance whose soon-to-be ex used to do that. He finally put hands on her when she caught him cheating. Now, they are divorcing and she will owe him alimony because, you guessed it, he is a welder/poet and makes like one-third what she does. Soon, she will be back to being single, but a lot poorer and with emotional damage. There are many examples of black women who "got the ring" and wish they hadn't.

Before you take just any old advice regarding how to get married, ask yourself if this advice will actually keep you married and happily so. How long will you be happy with that agnostic black man in a trade who insists on complete submission from you?

Sis!!!! Love you for this. I like professional men and that is who I date. AA women are the only women encouraged to date men who showcase signs of not being good providers. It's ridiculous. I almost married a guy like this in my mid 20s. 7 years later, he is still in the same 1 bedroom apartment and actually making less money than before.

I definitely agree, however, that church is not to place to hang expecting to meet single men. (I'm the "receive the word and bounce" poster.) I know plenty of guys who are Christian but just aren't disciplined about going to church regularly. My cousin was one of the few men I knew who was heavily involved as a single man but he grew up in a rural town in NC where regular attendance was normal for everyone.

Afropolitan- The guy was early 30s, works in int'l development. I went alone because one of my girlfriends canceled due to weather. Of course, the weather was perfect by the time I arrived. I went early and I chitchatted with a couple of women briefly and then went and sat at a table alone with my drink. I was actually scoping out this cutie I saw when I arrived and trying to send the signal that I was alone.lol I was there for maybe a minute before I caught eyes with the guy I met and smiled and he made his way over. My suggestion would be to arrive earlier during happy hour before it's crowded. It gets more challenging to figure out the single, unattached folks from the rest. Go with one girlfriend or alone. Be friendly to everyone. Make eye contact and smile. Try not to close off others or get so caught up with your phone. Meeting folks when the club scene is in full effect is more challenging. The music is too loud to have a real conversation and connections seem to be more random. I met a guy I've gone out with a few times at a lounge last month and it was due to the fact that we had a mutual friend hosting a meet up and we both arrived alone and ended up seated next to one another.

[Anonymous]

Ok here thank u everyone. And I'll make the next Afropolitan event definitely.

[Anonymous]

Sorry meant OP

[Anonymous]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3SSoVomMxw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 32 y.o AA woman who is married. I've read this entire thread. Here is my after many conversations about this topic with my dad (who is black), my husband (who is carribean) and my brother in law who is single and a dentist.

1. "God fearing"- How often do you walk into a black church and see more women than men? Quite often right? Well a lot of men might believe in God, but organized religion is not the first thing on their mind. (Most black Men I know only start go to church after they have settled down and got married, if they even go then.) If you don't want to compromise on this, you will lose a large population from which to choose. My husband grew up in the church and said he was agnostic when we met. We now go to church as a family, and it's no problem. The right man can be guided back to church if it's a priority to you.

2. "College Educated"- Why do you care about this so much? There are plumbers, electricians, and former military in DC making 6 figures with NO COLLEGE DEBT!!!! Sounds like you are more about status than the person. Get over that "power couple" ideal that you have created in your head and you will go farther. Additionally, we all know that there are 10x more black women with degrees than black men. What makes you more special than the other 9 women out there competing for this same man? I'm not being an a-hole, just saying you have a LOT of competition for this pool of men. Don't limit yourself.

3. "Are you willing to build this man up"- Culturally we have a problem. Black women raise their daughters to be "independent women" (thank Beyoncé!) while black women raise their sons with a desire to be treated like kings. So where is the problem? Black men want their women to build them up, while black women want to prove how independent of men we are. The two don't mix. According to my brother in law, this is why he dates outside of his race. According to him, after a long day at work he wants to feel appreciated at home and not nagged to death. When I read your post it screamed "look how great I am". That independent attitude can be turn off for the population you want.

I hope this helps. I'm sure I'll probably get torn a new one for my honesty, but this is the most honest advice I can give you.

From a happily married black woman: You have low standards and give terrible advice. Trying to "guide" an agnostic back to church after marriage? Marrying a man of significantly different educational attainment? Spending your life "building up" a man with low self-esteem? You are giving her the best advice for ending up unhappily married to the first guy who comes along and quickly divorced.

Op here. Sorry still catching up, thanks for your response as well. So much to take in.

Married black female PP here.

OP, if your goal is just to get married so you can say that you, too, achieved that milestone, then your task is pretty easy. Do what the PP advised and accept a man who meets none of your standards. That will broaden your pool considerably and, if you are obedient and demand nothing (God forbid you nag!), the man will propose quickly. Getting married is easy.

The question is: do you want to be happy in the marriage? And do you want to stay married? Because bending your standards to the point of having few standards and putting a man first in everything is a sure fire way to end up with someone you cannot stand. After the feeling of achievement has worn off - I got married too! No more single black female -- you will have to live with this person and all that they do or do not bring to the table. Can you imagine being married to the kind of man who yells "I should have married one of them white bitches!" whenever you say or do anything he doesn't like? I have an acquaintance whose soon-to-be ex used to do that. He finally put hands on her when she caught him cheating. Now, they are divorcing and she will owe him alimony because, you guessed it, he is a welder/poet and makes like one-third what she does. Soon, she will be back to being single, but a lot poorer and with emotional damage. There are many examples of black women who "got the ring" and wish they hadn't.

Before you take just any old advice regarding how to get married, ask yourself if this advice will actually keep you married and happily so. How long will you be happy with that agnostic black man in a trade who insists on complete submission from you?

Sis!!!! Love you for this. I like professional men and that is who I date. AA women are the only women encouraged to date men who showcase signs of not being good providers. It's ridiculous. I almost married a guy like this in my mid 20s. 7 years later, he is still in the same 1 bedroom apartment and actually making less money than before.

I definitely agree, however, that church is not to place to hang expecting to meet single men. (I'm the "receive the word and bounce" poster.) I know plenty of guys who are Christian but just aren't disciplined about going to church regularly. My cousin was one of the few men I knew who was heavily involved as a single man but he grew up in a rural town in NC where regular attendance was normal for everyone.

Afropolitan- The guy was early 30s, works in int'l development. I went alone because one of my girlfriends canceled due to weather. Of course, the weather was perfect by the time I arrived. I went early and I chitchatted with a couple of women briefly and then went and sat at a table alone with my drink. I was actually scoping out this cutie I saw when I arrived and trying to send the signal that I was alone.lol I was there for maybe a minute before I caught eyes with the guy I met and smiled and he made his way over. My suggestion would be to arrive earlier during happy hour before it's crowded. It gets more challenging to figure out the single, unattached folks from the rest. Go with one girlfriend or alone. Be friendly to everyone. Make eye contact and smile. Try not to close off others or get so caught up with your phone. Meeting folks when the club scene is in full effect is more challenging. The music is too loud to have a real conversation and connections seem to be more random. I met a guy I've gone out with a few times at a lounge last month and it was due to the fact that we had a mutual friend hosting a meet up and we both arrived alone and ended up seated next to one another.

I am not black, but I always got the opposite impression from AA women: that they expect eligible men to be solid providers and are a bit more traditional when it comes to gender roles in marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 32 y.o AA woman who is married. I've read this entire thread. Here is my after many conversations about this topic with my dad (who is black), my husband (who is carribean) and my brother in law who is single and a dentist.

1. "God fearing"- How often do you walk into a black church and see more women than men? Quite often right? Well a lot of men might believe in God, but organized religion is not the first thing on their mind. (Most black Men I know only start go to church after they have settled down and got married, if they even go then.) If you don't want to compromise on this, you will lose a large population from which to choose. My husband grew up in the church and said he was agnostic when we met. We now go to church as a family, and it's no problem. The right man can be guided back to church if it's a priority to you.

2. "College Educated"- Why do you care about this so much? There are plumbers, electricians, and former military in DC making 6 figures with NO COLLEGE DEBT!!!! Sounds like you are more about status than the person. Get over that "power couple" ideal that you have created in your head and you will go farther. Additionally, we all know that there are 10x more black women with degrees than black men. What makes you more special than the other 9 women out there competing for this same man? I'm not being an a-hole, just saying you have a LOT of competition for this pool of men. Don't limit yourself.

3. "Are you willing to build this man up"- Culturally we have a problem. Black women raise their daughters to be "independent women" (thank Beyoncé!) while black women raise their sons with a desire to be treated like kings. So where is the problem? Black men want their women to build them up, while black women want to prove how independent of men we are. The two don't mix. According to my brother in law, this is why he dates outside of his race. According to him, after a long day at work he wants to feel appreciated at home and not nagged to death. When I read your post it screamed "look how great I am". That independent attitude can be turn off for the population you want.

I hope this helps. I'm sure I'll probably get torn a new one for my honesty, but this is the most honest advice I can give you.

From a happily married black woman: You have low standards and give terrible advice. Trying to "guide" an agnostic back to church after marriage? Marrying a man of significantly different educational attainment? Spending your life "building up" a man with low self-esteem? You are giving her the best advice for ending up unhappily married to the first guy who comes along and quickly divorced.

Op here. Sorry still catching up, thanks for your response as well. So much to take in.

Married black female PP here.

OP, if your goal is just to get married so you can say that you, too, achieved that milestone, then your task is pretty easy. Do what the PP advised and accept a man who meets none of your standards. That will broaden your pool considerably and, if you are obedient and demand nothing (God forbid you nag!), the man will propose quickly. Getting married is easy.

The question is: do you want to be happy in the marriage? And do you want to stay married? Because bending your standards to the point of having few standards and putting a man first in everything is a sure fire way to end up with someone you cannot stand. After the feeling of achievement has worn off - I got married too! No more single black female -- you will have to live with this person and all that they do or do not bring to the table. Can you imagine being married to the kind of man who yells "I should have married one of them white bitches!" whenever you say or do anything he doesn't like? I have an acquaintance whose soon-to-be ex used to do that. He finally put hands on her when she caught him cheating. Now, they are divorcing and she will owe him alimony because, you guessed it, he is a welder/poet and makes like one-third what she does. Soon, she will be back to being single, but a lot poorer and with emotional damage. There are many examples of black women who "got the ring" and wish they hadn't.

Before you take just any old advice regarding how to get married, ask yourself if this advice will actually keep you married and happily so. How long will you be happy with that agnostic black man in a trade who insists on complete submission from you?

Sis!!!! Love you for this. I like professional men and that is who I date. AA women are the only women encouraged to date men who showcase signs of not being good providers. It's ridiculous. I almost married a guy like this in my mid 20s. 7 years later, he is still in the same 1 bedroom apartment and actually making less money than before.

I definitely agree, however, that church is not to place to hang expecting to meet single men. (I'm the "receive the word and bounce" poster.) I know plenty of guys who are Christian but just aren't disciplined about going to church regularly. My cousin was one of the few men I knew who was heavily involved as a single man but he grew up in a rural town in NC where regular attendance was normal for everyone.

Afropolitan- The guy was early 30s, works in int'l development. I went alone because one of my girlfriends canceled due to weather. Of course, the weather was perfect by the time I arrived. I went early and I chitchatted with a couple of women briefly and then went and sat at a table alone with my drink. I was actually scoping out this cutie I saw when I arrived and trying to send the signal that I was alone.lol I was there for maybe a minute before I caught eyes with the guy I met and smiled and he made his way over. My suggestion would be to arrive earlier during happy hour before it's crowded. It gets more challenging to figure out the single, unattached folks from the rest. Go with one girlfriend or alone. Be friendly to everyone. Make eye contact and smile. Try not to close off others or get so caught up with your phone. Meeting folks when the club scene is in full effect is more challenging. The music is too loud to have a real conversation and connections seem to be more random. I met a guy I've gone out with a few times at a lounge last month and it was due to the fact that we had a mutual friend hosting a meet up and we both arrived alone and ended up seated next to one another.

Thank you for that! I absolutely agree with this! There are plenty of uneducated, low-skilled AA women out there for those uneducated men.

And thanks for responding re: Afropolitan. Will definitely get there before the club scene happens next time.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Wanted to echo the posters saying not to expect you will meet him at church. Most of the guys I know didn't start going to church until they were settled in a relationship even if they "grew up in the church". Also agree wth keep an open mind. I'm AA and my DH isn't black. I only dated black guys in college so it wouldn't have occurred to me back then that things would be different after college. Post college I had met guys thru friends - we would go sporting events in a group - they knew each other from business school and I knew one of them from work, I was dating guys I met online, met a guy at a wedding, and met DH at a party that was thrown by a friend of a friend. I also was lucky I had a good group of friends in the area, I had a hobby I enjoyed and was in a good place. Some of my co-workers and college friends weren't AA so that's how I ended up going to social gatherings with guys that weren't black.

As for the advice to build a man up, not to nag or be too independent, I think there is a balance. Everyone wants to feel both needed and appreciated. Having your partner feel like their life is enhanced with you in it and stronger together is different than being needy, co-dependent, or straight up expecting someone else to make you happy. My attitude has been one of "I can do bad by myself" and I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with the wrong person. So I was cautious in getting too serious too soon without getting to know a person. That didn't mean it wasn't trying to be thoughtful or considerate of the other person. At the same time part of my standards were expecting the guy I was dating would be thoughtful and considerate also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 32 y.o AA woman who is married. I've read this entire thread. Here is my after many conversations about this topic with my dad (who is black), my husband (who is carribean) and my brother in law who is single and a dentist.

1. "God fearing"- How often do you walk into a black church and see more women than men? Quite often right? Well a lot of men might believe in God, but organized religion is not the first thing on their mind. (Most black Men I know only start go to church after they have settled down and got married, if they even go then.) If you don't want to compromise on this, you will lose a large population from which to choose. My husband grew up in the church and said he was agnostic when we met. We now go to church as a family, and it's no problem. The right man can be guided back to church if it's a priority to you.

2. "College Educated"- Why do you care about this so much? There are plumbers, electricians, and former military in DC making 6 figures with NO COLLEGE DEBT!!!! Sounds like you are more about status than the person. Get over that "power couple" ideal that you have created in your head and you will go farther. Additionally, we all know that there are 10x more black women with degrees than black men. What makes you more special than the other 9 women out there competing for this same man? I'm not being an a-hole, just saying you have a LOT of competition for this pool of men. Don't limit yourself.

3. "Are you willing to build this man up"- Culturally we have a problem. Black women raise their daughters to be "independent women" (thank Beyoncé!) while black women raise their sons with a desire to be treated like kings. So where is the problem? Black men want their women to build them up, while black women want to prove how independent of men we are. The two don't mix. According to my brother in law, this is why he dates outside of his race. According to him, after a long day at work he wants to feel appreciated at home and not nagged to death. When I read your post it screamed "look how great I am". That independent attitude can be turn off for the population you want.

I hope this helps. I'm sure I'll probably get torn a new one for my honesty, but this is the most honest advice I can give you.

From a happily married black woman: You have low standards and give terrible advice. Trying to "guide" an agnostic back to church after marriage? Marrying a man of significantly different educational attainment? Spending your life "building up" a man with low self-esteem? You are giving her the best advice for ending up unhappily married to the first guy who comes along and quickly divorced.

Op here. Sorry still catching up, thanks for your response as well. So much to take in.

Married black female PP here.

OP, if your goal is just to get married so you can say that you, too, achieved that milestone, then your task is pretty easy. Do what the PP advised and accept a man who meets none of your standards. That will broaden your pool considerably and, if you are obedient and demand nothing (God forbid you nag!), the man will propose quickly. Getting married is easy.

The question is: do you want to be happy in the marriage? And do you want to stay married? Because bending your standards to the point of having few standards and putting a man first in everything is a sure fire way to end up with someone you cannot stand. After the feeling of achievement has worn off - I got married too! No more single black female -- you will have to live with this person and all that they do or do not bring to the table. Can you imagine being married to the kind of man who yells "I should have married one of them white bitches!" whenever you say or do anything he doesn't like? I have an acquaintance whose soon-to-be ex used to do that. He finally put hands on her when she caught him cheating. Now, they are divorcing and she will owe him alimony because, you guessed it, he is a welder/poet and makes like one-third what she does. Soon, she will be back to being single, but a lot poorer and with emotional damage. There are many examples of black women who "got the ring" and wish they hadn't.

Before you take just any old advice regarding how to get married, ask yourself if this advice will actually keep you married and happily so. How long will you be happy with that agnostic black man in a trade who insists on complete submission from you?

Sis!!!! Love you for this. I like professional men and that is who I date. AA women are the only women encouraged to date men who showcase signs of not being good providers. It's ridiculous. I almost married a guy like this in my mid 20s. 7 years later, he is still in the same 1 bedroom apartment and actually making less money than before.

I definitely agree, however, that church is not to place to hang expecting to meet single men. (I'm the "receive the word and bounce" poster.) I know plenty of guys who are Christian but just aren't disciplined about going to church regularly. My cousin was one of the few men I knew who was heavily involved as a single man but he grew up in a rural town in NC where regular attendance was normal for everyone.

Afropolitan- The guy was early 30s, works in int'l development. I went alone because one of my girlfriends canceled due to weather. Of course, the weather was perfect by the time I arrived. I went early and I chitchatted with a couple of women briefly and then went and sat at a table alone with my drink. I was actually scoping out this cutie I saw when I arrived and trying to send the signal that I was alone.lol I was there for maybe a minute before I caught eyes with the guy I met and smiled and he made his way over. My suggestion would be to arrive earlier during happy hour before it's crowded. It gets more challenging to figure out the single, unattached folks from the rest. Go with one girlfriend or alone. Be friendly to everyone. Make eye contact and smile. Try not to close off others or get so caught up with your phone. Meeting folks when the club scene is in full effect is more challenging. The music is too loud to have a real conversation and connections seem to be more random. I met a guy I've gone out with a few times at a lounge last month and it was due to the fact that we had a mutual friend hosting a meet up and we both arrived alone and ended up seated next to one another.

I am not black, but I always got the opposite impression from AA women: that they expect eligible men to be solid providers and are a bit more traditional when it comes to gender roles in marriage.

BOth are true. There is the expectation you mention and the advice to "just settle" that pp talks about. And like that PP, I don't know any other group where the women are told to "marry down" as it were just to be married. My father was professional and a provider and my parents have several degrees between them. I was raised pretty solidly middle class with the associated values. When dating I found that men not from that background were not a good fit for me. I had someone amazed that my parents were married when I arrived and had an actual wedding with white dress and attendants, engagement announcement, wedding announcement and such. Had someone express surprise that I grew up in a house and that my great-grandparents, grandparents and other family members owned homes, too. Now, on its face those don't seem like big deals but when it came down to what my goals and interests were -- providing a better life than my parents gave me, traveling with our kids and exposing them to other cultures, involving our kids in cultural arts and so on, those men were not equally yoked with me and seemed resentful and even angry that I dared have these expectations. In any case I met the man who "fit" with me and I fit with him and we are together and happy.

[Anonymous]

I am not black, but I always got the opposite impression from AA women: that they expect eligible men to be solid providers and are a bit more traditional when it comes to gender roles in marriage.

You are correct, for the most part. Correlates for most of the experiences shared upthread too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Wanted to echo the posters saying not to expect you will meet him at church. Most of the guys I know didn't start going to church until they were settled in a relationship even if they "grew up in the church". Also agree wth keep an open mind. I'm AA and my DH isn't black. I only dated black guys in college so it wouldn't have occurred to me back then that things would be different after college. Post college I had met guys thru friends - we would go sporting events in a group - they knew each other from business school and I knew one of them from work, I was dating guys I met online, met a guy at a wedding, and met DH at a party that was thrown by a friend of a friend. I also was lucky I had a good group of friends in the area, I had a hobby I enjoyed and was in a good place. Some of my co-workers and college friends weren't AA so that's how I ended up going to social gatherings with guys that weren't black.

As for the advice to build a man up, not to nag or be too independent, I think there is a balance. Everyone wants to feel both needed and appreciated. Having your partner feel like their life is enhanced with you in it and stronger together is different than being needy, co-dependent, or straight up expecting someone else to make you happy. My attitude has been one of "I can do bad by myself" and I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with the wrong person. So I was cautious in getting too serious too soon without getting to know a person. That didn't mean it wasn't trying to be thoughtful or considerate of the other person. At the same time part of my standards were expecting the guy I was dating would be thoughtful and considerate also.

I enjoyed your story, really. It is great to have certain circle of friends, hobbies, interests, etc. It works great to go out often + to be enthusiastic, I think. I met my SO online ( http://www.uniformdating.com/policeofficer.htm ), but I was veery social, I met new people almost every day. You never know where you find him

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound great on paper. Quite frankly, it's more about how you complement him. A lot of your qualifications sound nice, but most guys don't really care much about stuff like what your major was in college. They want someone who looks good and takes care of them. Guys are very simple, which is lost on a lot of American women.

Maybe this has been mentioned already, but you are severely limiting yourself by only dating black men. Maybe date men outside of DC area or outside US?

It sounds like you are taking this very seriously, which is a HUGE turnoff for guys.
Nobody wants to be around someone that is too serious. Maybe try to do things that allow you to be yourself. I guess it's good to let guys know that you want to get married, but it can also backfire because lots of young guys don't really want to get married, but may actually be ok with it a year or two down the road.

Anyway, best of luck to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Wanted to echo the posters saying not to expect you will meet him at church. Most of the guys I know didn't start going to church until they were settled in a relationship even if they "grew up in the church". Also agree wth keep an open mind. I'm AA and my DH isn't black. I only dated black guys in college so it wouldn't have occurred to me back then that things would be different after college. Post college I had met guys thru friends - we would go sporting events in a group - they knew each other from business school and I knew one of them from work, I was dating guys I met online, met a guy at a wedding, and met DH at a party that was thrown by a friend of a friend. I also was lucky I had a good group of friends in the area, I had a hobby I enjoyed and was in a good place. Some of my co-workers and college friends weren't AA so that's how I ended up going to social gatherings with guys that weren't black.

As for the advice to build a man up, not to nag or be too independent, I think there is a balance. Everyone wants to feel both needed and appreciated. Having your partner feel like their life is enhanced with you in it and stronger together is different than being needy, co-dependent, or straight up expecting someone else to make you happy. My attitude has been one of "I can do bad by myself" and I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with the wrong person. So I was cautious in getting too serious too soon without getting to know a person. That didn't mean it wasn't trying to be thoughtful or considerate of the other person. At the same time part of my standards were expecting the guy I was dating would be thoughtful and considerate also.

9:24 here. Love this advice! I have dated every race (and religion) and encourage other AA women to keep an open mind.

Oh, and I was so off with respect to the guy I met. He's actually in his late 30s and in STEM.smh I'm blaming it on Cinco de Mayo festivities. I had a good time that night.lol I'm assuming the PP who asked was trying to gauge demographics to see if its worth a second shot. My boy attended with his friend who is single and 40. They met working for a Big 4, not sure what his friend does now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Yes I am introverted but have been trying to be more social and engaging. Been to 2 new type this past wknd.

What I'm looking for.....God fearing, attractive, ambitious man who I can complement.

Which god? Lol there are so many.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a great thread. Lots of great advice and anecdotes here, thanks!