Critique me: 28 yr old Af Am woman who wants marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is a great thread. Lots of great advice and anecdotes here, thanks!

Op here, I'm happy u got stuff out of it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Wanted to echo the posters saying not to expect you will meet him at church. Most of the guys I know didn't start going to church until they were settled in a relationship even if they "grew up in the church". Also agree wth keep an open mind. I'm AA and my DH isn't black. I only dated black guys in college so it wouldn't have occurred to me back then that things would be different after college. Post college I had met guys thru friends - we would go sporting events in a group - they knew each other from business school and I knew one of them from work, I was dating guys I met online, met a guy at a wedding, and met DH at a party that was thrown by a friend of a friend. I also was lucky I had a good group of friends in the area, I had a hobby I enjoyed and was in a good place. Some of my co-workers and college friends weren't AA so that's how I ended up going to social gatherings with guys that weren't black.

As for the advice to build a man up, not to nag or be too independent, I think there is a balance. Everyone wants to feel both needed and appreciated. Having your partner feel like their life is enhanced with you in it and stronger together is different than being needy, co-dependent, or straight up expecting someone else to make you happy. My attitude has been one of "I can do bad by myself" and I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with the wrong person. So I was cautious in getting too serious too soon without getting to know a person. That didn't mean it wasn't trying to be thoughtful or considerate of the other person. At the same time part of my standards were expecting the guy I was dating would be thoughtful and considerate also.

9:24 here. Love this advice! I have dated every race (and religion) and encourage other AA women to keep an open mind.

Oh, and I was so off with respect to the guy I met. He's actually in his late 30s and in STEM.smh I'm blaming it on Cinco de Mayo festivities. I had a good time that night.lol I'm assuming the PP who asked was trying to gauge demographics to see if its worth a second shot. My boy attended with his friend who is single and 40. They met working for a Big 4, not sure what his friend does now.

Hey does this late 30s STEM guy have a beard?

[Anonymous]

From a popular W African country?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, You sound just like me! Even similar career path. It will eventually work out!

In my opinion don't waste your time on guys that aren't also already serious they don't change, wait a month to have sex if they seem like marriage material. I tried online but it didn't work for me because it is missing the glue of the friendship network. Those people that around you hoping you succeed. You can easily drift and give it up because you both come from totally different worlds. Friends here in MD use meetups with success. Try to keep busy and it will keep you from looking too needy.

[Anonymous]

I am going to go on a limb here and against the popular belief - you should absolutely indicate early in a relationship that you are interested in serious relationship leading to marriage. The reason: as a woman you are limited by only one thing - your biology. If your biological imperative is to reproduce, know that your time is limited by your biology. Thus, finding a suitable partner who wants the same thing should be your number one priority. Do not worry if a whole bunch of men will be turned off by the idea of family. You don't want a man that you need to convince and secretly trap into a family. You want the one that wants the exact same thing. And trust me, he is out there. You just need to be persistent enough and not pay too much attention to those that turn you down. Like everything in life, this is the numbers game. However, this will only work if you do NOT give up goods to all these men and reserve sex only for those that have strongly and genuinely indicated (and proved through their past and present behavior) that they want marriage.

[Anonymous]

Try dating outside of your ethnic group. I don't undersrand the limitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, You sound just like me! Even similar career path. It will eventually work out!

In my opinion don't waste your time on guys that aren't also already serious they don't change, wait a month to have sex if they seem like marriage material. I tried online but it didn't work for me because it is missing the glue of the friendship network. Those people that around you hoping you succeed. You can easily drift and give it up because you both come from totally different worlds. Friends here in MD use meetups with success. Try to keep busy and it will keep you from looking too needy.

Advice from a late 40s, African American, Single Mother by Choice. You should prioritize dating above all else. Continue the activities that will make you more marketable on the dating scene like working out and staying healthy. Just as you would go after that high-paying job with all of your energy, you need to be very serious about dating and marriage.

And I cannot say it enough . . . men of different cultural, racial, and ethnic backgrounds can and will love you. They are men and they love women. Be serious about this and amend your dating strategy to meet them where they are. White men are into online dating much more seriously than African American men. AA men will approach you in public, most white men won't. Even though a white man thinks that you are beautiful, he is not so outward in the approach. Yes, there will be many that are experimenting with dating a woman of color. This is really true with married men, we are on their bucket list.

Don't settle and try not to seek to much advice from other people that have NO experience dating in today's world. It's different.

Go out on dates constantly, it sharpens your senses and improves your game. Expose yourself and smile.

There is nothing wrong with your quirks, everyone has them. There is nothing wrong with you, everyone has faults. There is nothing wrong with your looks . . . ugly people, fat people, skinny people, people with cancer, long-term illnesses all get married or are in LTR. It is not you. Do not internalize the BS and don't change your personality. Love you for you. Work on the small stuff like your approach, etc.

Be confident.

Date a man that treats you well and prioritizes you. You will never forget that feeling.

AND most of all. Be willing to turn your bus around and head in a different direction if you have not reached your goal.

[Anonymous]

PP here. You think that you have issues? Read some of the posts on this forum and then rethink what's really wrong with you. Nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have some online dating advice that really saved me. It took me years to realize, but it made a huge difference immediately.

Only engage with men who state they want a monogamous relationship, hope for marriage, etc. Do NOT engage with men who say they are looking to be friends and see where it goes, etc. The men who state outright what they hope to find - not that they plan to settle or rush it, but that they want it in their life - are the ones you want. The ones who dance around it or say they want to date and see what happens...they are not currently in the same headspace as you. THey may get there later, but that doesnt help you. Once I made this a line for me, in reviewing profiles, my dates went SO much better and I had multiple long term relationships ending with the one I married. Online dating can be death by a thousand papercuts (rejection, ghosting, etc), but it really can work out so well if you are discerning in your selection. It may mean long "dry" spells, but keep your life hopes in mind - marriage, family etc. And look for that in them. Im excited for you. I know its hard for all women - esp in DC area - and probably even harder for minorities, but I think you got this =)

That's exactly what I'm doing and I have met some great guys but still looking for the one.

NP

[Anonymous]

I'm doing a deep dive into old relationship posts on this forum as a way to not think about the coronavirus.

OP, if you are still out there, how have the last few years.of your eating life turned out?

[Anonymous]

AA woman here: Married first time, 28, married second time, 49. You haven't mentioned your weight and I do think that is a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AA woman here: Married first time, 28, married second time, 49. You haven't mentioned your weight and I do think that is a big deal.

Please read more thoroughly. this thread is from 2017

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AA woman here: Married first time, 28, married second time, 49. You haven't mentioned your weight and I do think that is a big deal.

Lol what an interesting thread to bump? Hopefully OP has gotten what she was seeking. I read the whole thing because it was so interesting-she said she's 5'4" 130 at least she was in 2017.

I'm a larger AA woman (size 14), and I never had an issue dating .... married at 28, just celebrated 6 years. I don't think weight is as big of a deal in our community as others. I have lots of thick/curvy/fat whatever you want to call it, and they're all happily married to great partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hit up Afropolitan this Friday. Dress to impress. Find similar events. Go with one girlfriend. Or alone if you have the confidence too. Be selective/mindful about where you go to socialize. Shop/dine/exercise in places where your type would congregate. Black churches are a waste of time for socializing.Receive the word and bounce! Single, heterosexual black men aren't usually in church. The few in attendance are grossly outnumbered.

I'm going to be laughing until the end of the week about "receive the word bounce!"

OP, I'm an AA woman and close to 20 years older than you. I'm cringing at the advice to laugh more because there's nothing more counterproductive than an ungenuine laugh.

That said, men are more attracted to someone who can laugh and don't take the world too seriously. Not saying you have to be a goofball, just comfortable with yourself enough that others are comfortable with you. I think it's difficult if you're doing well for yourself because if you're like I was, you've acclimated yourself to harsh judgement, which usually leads to judging others harshly. But rapport builds when you can knock the judgement barrier down.

I'm also not saying you should give up judgement altogether, because there are some knuckleheads out there. But worry less about credentials or how you think you're being perceived and the person you really are - and what you want to find in another person - will be easier to recognize and get to know.

AA woman here - been married 2x. 19 years the first time, just got married again. Had no problem finding a great black professional husband either time. I was wide open to date everyone, he just happens to be black. I will say this about black women, the church thing is just too much. Black women are like a cliché. Most guys I know do not want all of the Jesus talk. Some black women want to be so damn wholesome or something. Go have fun. That's why there are so many women in church. When I met my second husband, on our first date I was cussing (not crazy, but still cussing), and said oh, are you religious and he just looked at me like, cuss away!

I'm also a triathlete. That went a long way in meeting guys. They love that. When I met my husband I was training for a marathon. We talk about it now. That convinced him that if I'm training for a marathon at 49, the likelihood of me getting fat was minimal. He also was relieved when he saw my mother (that's real - as they say, if you want to know what your wife is going to look like after she gets older, look at her mom). Fitness is really important to us both.

I will add this, my second husband is retired Air Force. It's interesting. Even though he is very well educated and super successful, I think this would have turned me off when I married the first time. The first time, I was looking form Mr. Morehouse (I went to Spelman) and my first husband was a Morehouse man. Now, I'm like hot damn, they sell Hermes bags at the Navy Exchange store on Walter Reed's campus.

[Anonymous]

I'd try JDate.