Reply to Girlfriend is demanding that we get married and have a baby ASAP

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm sorry, op. It sounds like her changed position was a surprise for you.  One of my bff's is widowed, and I know she wouldn't have been ready for marriage and another child when she was just a couple of years past the loss of her dh.  It sounds like your girlfriend dropped this on you unexpectedly, without acknowledging it was a change from what she was thinking a year ago.

It's okay for you to need time to process this, and it's okay for you to not be on the same page as her.  And it's also okay to let her go if you're not at a point to give her what she says she's looking for right now.   I'm sorry you're dealing with this. [/quote]

Agree with this poster.
I'm widowed with two children, ages 12 and 6.. Blending families is a lot of work and not for the faint of heart, even in ideal circumstances (two partners 100% on same page about marriage and having another child, no grief in the equation). Be honest with your girlfriend, and be prepared that your different wants and needs may mean that this is the end of the road.

Looking at this from the angle of how moving forward might impact your 6 yr old: If having another child is a top priority for your gf, this could mean a short rather than long engagement, without much time married before pregnancy and a child. If things go smoothly, your child would be adjusting to a shared home, becoming a younger sibling to your wife's tween, possibly a new home and school, dad's attention shared with pregnant wife and then a new baby, all in a short time frame. That's a lot. If it's a tough road to pregnancy, then you might be adding stress and expense of fertility treatments to that mix. And really, your girlfriend's child will be adjusting to all that as an 11-12 year old, which isn't easy either!

And then there's the grief. Over time, I've (mostly!) worked through my grief at losing my DH. Five years on, the waves of grief are smaller and infrequent, and I know they will pass. But I'm an adult who lost a spouse, not a child who lost her parent. Watching my children experience deep grief as they process the loss of their dad anew as they reach different stages of development, and not being able to fix their pain--this is the one thing that still has the power to bring me to my knees.

If after some heart to hearts you and your girlfriend find common ground and decide to proceed, couples/family counseling might be a good idea to help navigate changes with the best chance of success.

OP, I don't mean this to come off as a lecture, far from it.
 I have been In a similar place. I started seeing someone at almost two years out. He was divorced with a college-age son, and we were both looking for companionship, he wasn't looking to parent again and I wasn't looking to blend families. Fantastic at first, but over time he wanted more couple time than I was willing/able to make (e.g. Wanting me to send kids to grandparents more than I felt okay with  so we could go away as a couple, and eventually frustration at my kid-event-heavy calendar). Doesn't make him a bad person--he had work flexibility and an adult child and wanted to enjoy that freedom with his significant other--just made us not right for each other. The end of that relationship after two years brought up some grief about my husband that I hadn't dealt with while dating, but no regrets, and the whole experience reaffirmed that love and happiness after loss is possible.

Wishing you all the best as you work through this.[/quote]

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