I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Well, is the house messy? I think that part of staying home with the kids mean that you should also clean too. What are you doing during naps? Incorporate your daughter in cleaning up.

Yeah, OP has to spend every single hour working. Like DH probably does when he travels or takes a lunch break.. No breaks for Op. And she probably has night duties too. Ha!

If it takes you that long to clean and cook you're doing it wrong. You should look into that.

Since it is apparently so easy for you and OP's DH to clean and cook, how about he does it on the weekends or when he gets back from travel?

Some people (like this PP) get so hot and bothered by why they think is an attack on SAHM's, that they lose sight of reality. No-one even insinuated that OP needs to spend every single hour working. You're arguing about a figment of your own imagination. It's perfectly reasonable that OP should spend SOME time dedicated to cleaning and cooking.

There is nothing in OP's post that suggest she doesn't spend some time cleaning and cooking. So why are we even discussion this?

Idk, you suggested that we are saying OP should spend every single hour of the day working (not true). I said it doesn't take every single hour to clean and cook, more like ONE hour. You just want to argue nothing I guess.

You suggested that OP was not cleaning or not cleaning enough. You did this by asking what she was doing during naps. I assumed you thought she should use naps to do more cleaning, since apparently she was not doing enough based on your understanding of her post.

So I suggested, in a "hot and bothered" tone, that she had the right to relax during her naps because her DH probably had some pretty relaxing breaks too at work, in the car, on the train and when he travelled.

You are the one who made assumptions first. I just responded based on the assumptions you made.

[Anonymous]

My sisters house is a mess. Dirty cloths on the floor, dirty dishes permanently in the sink. Grime everywhere. It looks like a war zone. Some people are just messy. If this is you OP your husband is right to be pissed, watching one kid is not a valid excuse.

[Anonymous]

OP needs to come back and tell us her husband's expectations. Might be reasonable or he might be nuts. 3 years of anger without explanation, but he travels 80% of the time? Something is off in this scenario. Need more info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, is the house messy? I think that part of staying home with the kids mean that you should also clean too. What are you doing during naps? Incorporate your daughter in cleaning up.

Yeah, OP has to spend every single hour working. Like DH probably does when he travels or takes a lunch break.. No breaks for Op. And she probably has night duties too. Ha!

If it takes you that long to clean and cook you're doing it wrong. You should look into that.

Since it is apparently so easy for you and OP's DH to clean and cook, how about he does it on the weekends or when he gets back from travel?

Some people (like this PP) get so hot and bothered by why they think is an attack on SAHM's, that they lose sight of reality. No-one even insinuated that OP needs to spend every single hour working. You're arguing about a figment of your own imagination. It's perfectly reasonable that OP should spend SOME time dedicated to cleaning and cooking.

There is nothing in OP's post that suggest she doesn't spend some time cleaning and cooking. So why are we even discussion this?

Because this is DCUM and people are horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, is the house messy? I think that part of staying home with the kids mean that you should also clean too. What are you doing during naps? Incorporate your daughter in cleaning up.

Yeah, OP has to spend every single hour working. Like DH probably does when he travels or takes a lunch break.. No breaks for Op. And she probably has night duties too. Ha!

If it takes you that long to clean and cook you're doing it wrong. You should look into that.

Since it is apparently so easy for you and OP's DH to clean and cook, how about he does it on the weekends or when he gets back from travel?

Some people (like this PP) get so hot and bothered by why they think is an attack on SAHM's, that they lose sight of reality. No-one even insinuated that OP needs to spend every single hour working. You're arguing about a figment of your own imagination. It's perfectly reasonable that OP should spend SOME time dedicated to cleaning and cooking.

There is nothing in OP's post that suggest she doesn't spend some time cleaning and cooking. So why are we even discussion this?

Idk, you suggested that we are saying OP should spend every single hour of the day working (not true). I said it doesn't take every single hour to clean and cook, more like ONE hour. You just want to argue nothing I guess.

You suggested that OP was not cleaning or not cleaning enough. You did this by asking what she was doing during naps. I assumed you thought she should use naps to do more cleaning, since apparently she was not doing enough based on your understanding of her post.

So I suggested, in a "hot and bothered" tone, that she had the right to relax during her naps because her DH probably had some pretty relaxing breaks too at work, in the car, on the train and when he travelled.

You are the one who made assumptions first. I just responded based on the assumptions you made.

That was actually a different poster, I'm the one that said "if it takes you that long you're doing it wrong". The only assumptions I have made is that it doesn't take very long to clean a house or cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, is the house messy? I think that part of staying home with the kids mean that you should also clean too. What are you doing during naps? Incorporate your daughter in cleaning up.

Yeah, OP has to spend every single hour working. Like DH probably does when he travels or takes a lunch break.. No breaks for Op. And she probably has night duties too. Ha!

If it takes you that long to clean and cook you're doing it wrong. You should look into that.

Since it is apparently so easy for you and OP's DH to clean and cook, how about he does it on the weekends or when he gets back from travel?

Some people (like this PP) get so hot and bothered by why they think is an attack on SAHM's, that they lose sight of reality. No-one even insinuated that OP needs to spend every single hour working. You're arguing about a figment of your own imagination. It's perfectly reasonable that OP should spend SOME time dedicated to cleaning and cooking.

There is nothing in OP's post that suggest she doesn't spend some time cleaning and cooking. So why are we even discussion this?

....because her DH's three-year complaint against resides in the fact that he thought their house was dirty?!?

The fact that her husband thought the house was dirty does not necessarily mean it is. You are making an assumption here. I disagree with that assumption. Any OCD person would think my house is dirty too, but the two adults in my house do not think so. Our house was meticulous without the kids, but it is just clean now, not neat. But clean enough. These things change when you have little ones running throughout the house all day long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be angry all you want. There has to be a reason he asked you what you do all day. Your "I'd rather focus on my child instead" of gasp, housework, says a lot.

SAHP means more than playtime with the kids. It means you trade one job for another. You sound like my sister. She screams abuse because her husband wanted home cooked food, clean clothes and a neat, not spotless, neat tidy home. She thought housekeeping was beneath her. Her ex fixed that.

This is so bizzaire a stay-at-home parent who doesn't want to do any housekeeping work, then what exactly is she doing at home? I was raised by a single full time working mom of 4 and the house was always clean and we had home cooked meals.

I am sorry I don't understand this either. My mom was a sahm all her days and the house was clean, really clean. We weren't allowed to have toys and crap in the living room. Only our room. You want to play go to your room and play with your toys. If you bring a toy downstairs, take it back up to your room or it gets thrown out. Teaches the kids responsibility after they see some of there stuff tossed. Mom did laundry, made meals and this was back in the days of no microwaves. My mother had 4 kids and we played in the yard or with other kids in the neighborhood. None of this driving all over dodge to entertain us. Here is a box, entertain yourself. My dad was military so shit had to be right. My mom didn't have a lot of the conveniences that SAHM have now. How did she do it and they can't now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, is the house messy? I think that part of staying home with the kids mean that you should also clean too. What are you doing during naps? Incorporate your daughter in cleaning up.

Yeah, OP has to spend every single hour working. Like DH probably does when he travels or takes a lunch break.. No breaks for Op. And she probably has night duties too. Ha!

If it takes you that long to clean and cook you're doing it wrong. You should look into that.

Since it is apparently so easy for you and OP's DH to clean and cook, how about he does it on the weekends or when he gets back from travel?

Some people (like this PP) get so hot and bothered by why they think is an attack on SAHM's, that they lose sight of reality. No-one even insinuated that OP needs to spend every single hour working. You're arguing about a figment of your own imagination. It's perfectly reasonable that OP should spend SOME time dedicated to cleaning and cooking.

There is nothing in OP's post that suggest she doesn't spend some time cleaning and cooking. So why are we even discussion this?

....because her DH's three-year complaint against resides in the fact that he thought their house was dirty?!?

The fact that her husband thought the house was dirty does not necessarily mean it is. You are making an assumption here. I disagree with that assumption. Any OCD person would think my house is dirty too, but the two adults in my house do not think so. Our house was meticulous without the kids, but it is just clean now, not neat. But clean enough. These things change when you have little ones running throughout the house all day long.

Considering that her husband thinks its dirty, and OP has not said one thing she does to keep it clean, and admittedly "would rather watch her DD"...It's a safe assumption that her house is probably dirty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I'm really mad. He has been rude and nasty to me ever since DD was born. He complains about everything I do, put me on a shoestring budget and has seemed constantly angry at me. Not to anyone but me. I'm tired of it and told him last week that I am going to go back to work part time while DD is in school next Fall. He doesn't want me to and is vowing to change. He told me he has been angry because he doesn't know what I do all day and thinks the house should be cleaner, etc. I am so angry. He travels 80 percent of the time. DD is wonderful but not easy and I choose to focus on her instead of keeping the house in perfect shape. I don't know how I ended up here.

I was/am will forever be an indifferent housekeeper. SAH, WOHft or WOHpt- it doesn't matter- because it doesn't matter. DH knows this and I love him for that.

The few people I know who had DH's with similar illusions to yours went away for a three day girl's weekend, leaving their DH alone with the kid(s). The DHs got on fairly quickly and their perspectives changed. 5 days makes the point even better.

Great idea.

I'm the same - housework has never been a priority of mine, regardless of work situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, is the house messy? I think that part of staying home with the kids mean that you should also clean too. What are you doing during naps? Incorporate your daughter in cleaning up.

Yeah, OP has to spend every single hour working. Like DH probably does when he travels or takes a lunch break.. No breaks for Op. And she probably has night duties too. Ha!

If it takes you that long to clean and cook you're doing it wrong. You should look into that.

Since it is apparently so easy for you and OP's DH to clean and cook, how about he does it on the weekends or when he gets back from travel?

Some people (like this PP) get so hot and bothered by why they think is an attack on SAHM's, that they lose sight of reality. No-one even insinuated that OP needs to spend every single hour working. You're arguing about a figment of your own imagination. It's perfectly reasonable that OP should spend SOME time dedicated to cleaning and cooking.

There is nothing in OP's post that suggest she doesn't spend some time cleaning and cooking. So why are we even discussion this?

Idk, you suggested that we are saying OP should spend every single hour of the day working (not true). I said it doesn't take every single hour to clean and cook, more like ONE hour. You just want to argue nothing I guess.

You suggested that OP was not cleaning or not cleaning enough. You did this by asking what she was doing during naps. I assumed you thought she should use naps to do more cleaning, since apparently she was not doing enough based on your understanding of her post.

So I suggested, in a "hot and bothered" tone, that she had the right to relax during her naps because her DH probably had some pretty relaxing breaks too at work, in the car, on the train and when he travelled.

You are the one who made assumptions first. I just responded based on the assumptions you made.

That was actually a different poster, I'm the one that said "if it takes you that long you're doing it wrong". The only assumptions I have made is that it doesn't take very long to clean a house or cook.

So you responded to my response to someone elses post. I was attacking that person's assumptions with my comments. You took my comments out of context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be angry all you want. There has to be a reason he asked you what you do all day. Your "I'd rather focus on my child instead" of gasp, housework, says a lot.

SAHP means more than playtime with the kids. It means you trade one job for another. You sound like my sister. She screams abuse because her husband wanted home cooked food, clean clothes and a neat, not spotless, neat tidy home. She thought housekeeping was beneath her. Her ex fixed that.

This is so bizzaire a stay-at-home parent who doesn't want to do any housekeeping work, then what exactly is she doing at home? I was raised by a single full time working mom of 4 and the house was always clean and we had home cooked meals.

I am sorry I don't understand this either. My mom was a sahm all her days and the house was clean, really clean. We weren't allowed to have toys and crap in the living room. Only our room. You want to play go to your room and play with your toys. If you bring a toy downstairs, take it back up to your room or it gets thrown out. Teaches the kids responsibility after they see some of there stuff tossed. Mom did laundry, made meals and this was back in the days of no microwaves. My mother had 4 kids and we played in the yard or with other kids in the neighborhood. None of this driving all over dodge to entertain us. Here is a box, entertain yourself. My dad was military so shit had to be right. My mom didn't have a lot of the conveniences that SAHM have now. How did she do it and they can't now?

I'll give you 2 choices and you pick the most likely one. 1) parents don't really parent anymore and treat the kids like little, special adults (snowflakes) so they get to do what they want and become narcissistic selfish little assholes or 2) somehow something changed (in the water?) and in the last 30 years every third kid born is really on the spectrum somewhere and are special needs so deserving of an environment with no rules, discipline or a swift kick to the ass when they act out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be angry all you want. There has to be a reason he asked you what you do all day. Your "I'd rather focus on my child instead" of gasp, housework, says a lot.

SAHP means more than playtime with the kids. It means you trade one job for another. You sound like my sister. She screams abuse because her husband wanted home cooked food, clean clothes and a neat, not spotless, neat tidy home. She thought housekeeping was beneath her. Her ex fixed that.

This is so bizzaire a stay-at-home parent who doesn't want to do any housekeeping work, then what exactly is she doing at home? I was raised by a single full time working mom of 4 and the house was always clean and we had home cooked meals.

I am sorry I don't understand this either. My mom was a sahm all her days and the house was clean, really clean. We weren't allowed to have toys and crap in the living room. Only our room. You want to play go to your room and play with your toys. If you bring a toy downstairs, take it back up to your room or it gets thrown out. Teaches the kids responsibility after they see some of there stuff tossed. Mom did laundry, made meals and this was back in the days of no microwaves. My mother had 4 kids and we played in the yard or with other kids in the neighborhood. None of this driving all over dodge to entertain us. Here is a box, entertain yourself. My dad was military so shit had to be right. My mom didn't have a lot of the conveniences that SAHM have now. How did she do it and they can't now?

Not everyone has the same priorities.

And some people do not have a yard. We don't. Having a yard(or a playroom) can make it easier. I grew up with a yard, and the house was tidy because we played outside all day long.

For example, in my house my children can run around and play in the entire first floor. They have crayons, papers, drawing boards and dress up clothes in the kitchen, and a huge amount of toys in the living room. We do not have a big house, and we have no space in the main level for a playroom. You would see toys everywhere, unless it is 11:00pm and we are in bed.

I love it this way. And my husband does too.

If OP and her husband have not had a serious conversation about how to limit the "mess" into a certain area of the house, then the house may seem messy to him. Some of these things are misunderstandings and different parenting styles.

[Anonymous]

Ewwww. So having a 24/7 nanny is not enough, she should clean and cook too? Some of the expectations here are ludicrous. I'm a WOHM and would never want someone burned out and overburdened with my kids. The kids are the ones who suffer in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be angry all you want. There has to be a reason he asked you what you do all day. Your "I'd rather focus on my child instead" of gasp, housework, says a lot.

SAHP means more than playtime with the kids. It means you trade one job for another. You sound like my sister. She screams abuse because her husband wanted home cooked food, clean clothes and a neat, not spotless, neat tidy home. She thought housekeeping was beneath her. Her ex fixed that.

This is so bizzaire a stay-at-home parent who doesn't want to do any housekeeping work, then what exactly is she doing at home? I was raised by a single full time working mom of 4 and the house was always clean and we had home cooked meals.

I am sorry I don't understand this either. My mom was a sahm all her days and the house was clean, really clean. We weren't allowed to have toys and crap in the living room. Only our room. You want to play go to your room and play with your toys. If you bring a toy downstairs, take it back up to your room or it gets thrown out. Teaches the kids responsibility after they see some of there stuff tossed. Mom did laundry, made meals and this was back in the days of no microwaves. My mother had 4 kids and we played in the yard or with other kids in the neighborhood. None of this driving all over dodge to entertain us. Here is a box, entertain yourself. My dad was military so shit had to be right. My mom didn't have a lot of the conveniences that SAHM have now. How did she do it and they can't now?

I'll give you 2 choices and you pick the most likely one. 1) parents don't really parent anymore and treat the kids like little, special adults (snowflakes) so they get to do what they want and become narcissistic selfish little assholes or 2) somehow something changed (in the water?) and in the last 30 years every third kid born is really on the spectrum somewhere and are special needs so deserving of an environment with no rules, discipline or a swift kick to the ass when they act out.

I think it's reason #3:

Parents these days feel like they have to spend all their time educating/singing/reading/playing with their toddlers, otherwise they will be academically behind and won't get into a good college.

Don't get me wrong.. I did all of these things but I also cleaned the house. I am the PP who stated that teaching your 3 yr old how to occupy themselves is a good thing to teach. It's kind of like how now a days parents don't want to punish their children but would rather let them suffer natural consequences. Depending on the situation, I just let them suffer the natural consequences; other times, I do punish them.

I do find this post kind of funny though, because most of the time, men only really complain if they aren't getting enough in the sack. Most men don't seem to complain about an unkempt house, unless the house is really dirty. Or maybe OP's DH is getting neither, hence he is complaining about the house.

IDK, maybe OP's DH is one of the few men who cares a lot about a messy house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, is the house messy? I think that part of staying home with the kids mean that you should also clean too. What are you doing during naps? Incorporate your daughter in cleaning up.

Yeah, OP has to spend every single hour working. Like DH probably does when he travels or takes a lunch break.. No breaks for Op. And she probably has night duties too. Ha!

If it takes you that long to clean and cook you're doing it wrong. You should look into that.

Since it is apparently so easy for you and OP's DH to clean and cook, how about he does it on the weekends or when he gets back from travel?

Some people (like this PP) get so hot and bothered by why they think is an attack on SAHM's, that they lose sight of reality. No-one even insinuated that OP needs to spend every single hour working. You're arguing about a figment of your own imagination. It's perfectly reasonable that OP should spend SOME time dedicated to cleaning and cooking.

There is nothing in OP's post that suggest she doesn't spend some time cleaning and cooking. So why are we even discussion this?

....because her DH's three-year complaint against resides in the fact that he thought their house was dirty?!?

The fact that her husband thought the house was dirty does not necessarily mean it is. You are making an assumption here. I disagree with that assumption. Any OCD person would think my house is dirty too, but the two adults in my house do not think so. Our house was meticulous without the kids, but it is just clean now, not neat. But clean enough. These things change when you have little ones running throughout the house all day long.

Considering that her husband thinks its dirty, and OP has not said one thing she does to keep it clean, and admittedly "would rather watch her DD"...It's a safe assumption that her house is probably dirty.

You are being unfair to the OP. She indicated she would rather focus on her child. This does not imply that she does nothing else. She is stating that her child is the priority and other things like cleaning come in second.

If you are like the other PPs who think spending 30-60 minutes a day on cooking and cleaning is good enough, then you agree that she should focus on her child. So there is not much in the OP to suggest she does not do some housework.