I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Guerita32 wrote:Kids are so messy and it is hard to keep the house clean with kids in it! It is hard to keep my house clean on a Saturday and we have housekeeper that comes once a week!!

If he has been treating you like crap for this long... you should perhaps seek counseling.

This. Kids. You can clean one room, and their crap is all over the other room. Whoosh them out of that room so you can clean it and the next room will have their crap all over it. It is important that you guys discuss what is reasonable in terms of cleaning and that you also make clear that staying home IS a job and a real fucking hard one some days

Funny thing is that SAH mothers in the 40s and 50s still managed to keep clean houses with kids. If you can't and they're all you're looking after all day, then examine that.

They sent their kids outside to play all day with the neighborhood kids. Kids were not inside making messes.

So true. 5 year olds were out running around playing stickball, not inside throwing around the gazillion made-in-China toys they own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I'm really mad. He has been rude and nasty to me ever since DD was born. He complains about everything I do, put me on a shoestring budget and has seemed constantly angry at me. Not to anyone but me. I'm tired of it and told him last week that I am going to go back to work part time while DD is in school next Fall. He doesn't want me to and is vowing to change. He told me he has been angry because he doesn't know what I do all day and thinks the house should be cleaner, etc. I am so angry. He travels 80 percent of the time. DD is wonderful but not easy and I choose to focus on her instead of keeping the house in perfect shape. I don't know how I ended up here.

Tell him what you do all day.

Clean the house better.

I mean, I just solve your marital problem in five seconds. Send me $175.00 for the consult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like bullshit. I'd ask him point blank if he's cheating.

+1

This exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know--I work FT, have two DC, and my house is clean (no help). Doesn't seem to me like DH's expectations are unreasonable, unless something else is going on.

How old are your kids? How clean is your home when your kids are home all day with one spouse only? Do you limit them to certain areas of the house? How much do you get done when you are alone with the kids?

When you are not home all day, the house stay strong much cleaner.

[Anonymous]

I meant the house stays much cleaner.

[Anonymous]

80% travel is barely parenting. I agree with the suggestion of letting him solo parent for a few weeks while you go away. Imagine a monthly housecleaning and a bit of daycare will suddenly be in the budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't know what the actual state of your house it. It could actually be messy, dirty, or both. Or reasonably clean/neat but not enough by your dh's standards.

Regardless, you and your husband should have a mutually agreed upon standard of cleanliness and tidiness. Figure what this is. Compromise is important, especially if you two have very different notions of cleanliness/tidiness.

NP here. Haven't read every post.

OP, this post is pretty much right -- you and DH need to TALK about your standards -- but that talk should come as part of a much, much larger discussion that goes on over time in couples counseling. You both need to communicate vastly more and do it much better, and your DH sounds like he may have some issues with passive-aggressiveness. Does he come from a family where he saw one or both parents just stewing in silence over things and never talking, so that's what he learned to do too? Did you possibly come from a background where maybe even your own mom kept things super-spotless, and she was the perfect housekeeper, but did it at the expense of spending time with you as a kid? You see where this is going. You both need to unpack this with a third party professional who is experienced at helping couples unlearn things, learn new communication behaviors, and get past anger.

And yeah, I would be furious too, in your shoes. You see yourself as focused on your child (which I agree is the priority) and he sees you as not doing your "job" of cleaning etc. You and he need to talk with someone to see if his expectations are unrealistic or if your own housekeeping is indeed a problem. And then you both need to work on keeping your marriage and not letting this one thing wreck you.

As for a job--do not go back to work just out of frustration or as a way of saying "See how you like it when we're both working and you have to take on more housework!" If your child is still young, and you WANT to be an SAHM rather than go out to work, then you and he need to work on both your expectations. He may have to pitch in more. He may have zero idea what you do all day. Make him a schedule where you log what you do in a typical day--every single minute you spend with your child. And talk about that with your counselor or therapist. If he refuses to see one, that is a red flag that there's a bigger problem and he may have other unspoken beefs with you--and that's not good. But if you can approach this with openness ("OK, I can see how you don't understand what I do all day, and how it appears I do nothing. I would like to walk you through it if you are willing to be open about seeing what I do as my 'job' with our child" and so on--as opposed to confrontation).

[Anonymous]

WOHM here....how exactly does working force a husband to take on 50% of the housework? Can someone explain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Guerita32 wrote:Kids are so messy and it is hard to keep the house clean with kids in it! It is hard to keep my house clean on a Saturday and we have housekeeper that comes once a week!!

If he has been treating you like crap for this long... you should perhaps seek counseling.

This. Kids. You can clean one room, and their crap is all over the other room. Whoosh them out of that room so you can clean it and the next room will have their crap all over it. It is important that you guys discuss what is reasonable in terms of cleaning and that you also make clear that staying home IS a job and a real fucking hard one some days

+1000 to all of this.

I really can't believe this. My mom was a SAHM and we had a live in nanny AND a once-a-week cleaning lady and the house was still a s***-show a lot of the time because kids are kids.

he seems to have some very crazy expectations.

Maybe you were just exceptionally unruly. House of 3 kids (no nanny) and house was pretty clean and organized growing up. One kid would be a walk in the park. Doesn't take long to pick up toys after the kid is done. And fwiw, DH might not even be complaining about toys but about a legitimately disgusting mess if OP is too busy watching her one kid to wash dishes etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Guerita32 wrote:Kids are so messy and it is hard to keep the house clean with kids in it! It is hard to keep my house clean on a Saturday and we have housekeeper that comes once a week!!

If he has been treating you like crap for this long... you should perhaps seek counseling.

This. Kids. You can clean one room, and their crap is all over the other room. Whoosh them out of that room so you can clean it and the next room will have their crap all over it. It is important that you guys discuss what is reasonable in terms of cleaning and that you also make clear that staying home IS a job and a real fucking hard one some days

+1000 to all of this.

I really can't believe this. My mom was a SAHM and we had a live in nanny AND a once-a-week cleaning lady and the house was still a s***-show a lot of the time because kids are kids.

he seems to have some very crazy expectations.

Maybe you were just exceptionally unruly. House of 3 kids (no nanny) and house was pretty clean and organized growing up. One kid would be a walk in the park. Doesn't take long to pick up toys after the kid is done. And fwiw, DH might not even be complaining about toys but about a legitimately disgusting mess if OP is too busy watching her one kid to wash dishes etc.

For you, not everyone is the same. And lucky for my mom my father did not get pi**y and passive aggressive if there was clutter left around. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Thank god my DHs mom was a SAHM. I truly think it makes a difference in his expectations of me as a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ewwww. So having a 24/7 nanny is not enough, she should clean and cook too? Some of the expectations here are ludicrous. I'm a WOHM and would never want someone burned out and overburdened with my kids. The kids are the ones who suffer in that situation.

our nanny cooks and cleans up the house. if I were a SAHM i would do that too. OP's kid is 3 -- it's not that hard to cook a meal and tidy up the house with one 3 year old. But what I think doesn't matter - it's what OP and her husband think and want that count.

Here are the lessons from OP's situation:

1. If you are a working parent with a stay at home spouse, do not fume and act like a jerk for 3 years if you don't think he or she is doing enough. Be a grown up and tell your spouse how you feel.

2. If you are planning to become a stay at home spouse, have a conversation about expectations beforehand and agree on what the "terms" will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Guerita32 wrote:Kids are so messy and it is hard to keep the house clean with kids in it! It is hard to keep my house clean on a Saturday and we have housekeeper that comes once a week!!

If he has been treating you like crap for this long... you should perhaps seek counseling.

This. Kids. You can clean one room, and their crap is all over the other room. Whoosh them out of that room so you can clean it and the next room will have their crap all over it. It is important that you guys discuss what is reasonable in terms of cleaning and that you also make clear that staying home IS a job and a real fucking hard one some days

Funny thing is that SAH mothers in the 40s and 50s still managed to keep clean houses with kids. If you can't and they're all you're looking after all day, then examine that.

They sent their kids outside to play all day with the neighborhood kids. Kids were not inside making messes.

So true. 5 year olds were out running around playing stickball, not inside throwing around the gazillion made-in-China toys they own.

Maybe they should spend more time running around outside playing! Win-win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank god my DHs mom was a SAHM. I truly think it makes a difference in his expectations of me as a SAHM.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ewwww. So having a 24/7 nanny is not enough, she should clean and cook too? Some of the expectations here are ludicrous. I'm a WOHM and would never want someone burned out and overburdened with my kids. The kids are the ones who suffer in that situation.

our nanny cooks and cleans up the house. if I were a SAHM i would do that too. OP's kid is 3 -- it's not that hard to cook a meal and tidy up the house with one 3 year old. But what I think doesn't matter - it's what OP and her husband think and want that count.

Here are the lessons from OP's situation:

1. If you are a working parent with a stay at home spouse, do not fume and act like a jerk for 3 years if you don't think he or she is doing enough. Be a grown up and tell your spouse how you feel.

2. If you are planning to become a stay at home spouse, have a conversation about expectations beforehand and agree on what the "terms" will be.

Regarding point 2, I don't think anyone knows what being a stay at home parent is like until they do it.

Like many posters here, I remember playing all day outside with friends while my mom did whatever she needed to do in the house. But those memories are not from when I was a baby or toddler. Let's just say I was in for a surprise when staying at home did not mean having a spotless house, starting new hobbies, and catching up with old friends. Little kids can really suck the life out of you.