My husband comes home at night and takes my kids out of bed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come home from work everyday at 5:30, get dinner ready, feed my kids (ages 3 and 5), bathe them, read to them, and put them to bed by around 7:30 and he saunters in every night between 7:30-8:30 and then goes upstairs and wakes them up, gets them out of bed, has play time. I am not talking about going into their rooms and quietly talking and tucking them in (which would be ok). It gets loud, they get out of bed, run around, screaming. It makes me SO ANGRY and RESENTFUL.

He claims it is so he can "spend time" with them but I find it infuriating and disrespectful to me. How to handle this? Any advice?

I agree that you have set your husband up for failure and yourself up for resentment.

Stop doing the bath and bedtime by 7:30 routine. Do the bath at 7:15 or 7:30, and when your husband comes home, he gets to take over wherever you are. He can finish bath, he can read them books and he can get them in bed and quieted down. Make the bedtime routine part of his daddy time.

My twins, now 5, have been on pretty much the same routine since they were 2. We start bedtime routine around 7:45-8:00. If it is after 8:00, no bath and they'll get a bath the next night. If before 8:00 they get a bath, book, brush their teeth and then in bed by 8:30. 8:30 is lights out. But they'll stay up in the dark until 9:00-9:30 keeping each other up. It's never hurt them and they are perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

My husband comes home between 8:15 and 8:30 and I have a 1 and 3 year-old. The 1 year-old goes to bed at 7, but the three year old stays up so that my husband can do bedtime. It is a very important part of the day for both of them. I would approach you husband calmly and ask him to do bedtime for one of the kids each night (maybe alternate or do them together since they are older) but to do quiet things like books and stories. You have both made missteps here so don't go into this conversations guns blazing. I imagine that you and your husband are both unhappy with the status quo and together you can find a solution.

[Anonymous]

Unilateral parenting decisions = guaranteed resentment

You'll need to treat your husband as an equal parent if you want your "rules" acknowledged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is not too early of a bedtime, it sounds healthy and prudent. I'd be furious if my DH woke up the kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is not too early of a bedtime, it sounds healthy and prudent. I'd be furious if my DH woke up the kids.

+1

OPs kids are not babies. One is school aged. A 7:30 bedtime is quite early for a school aged kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come home from work everyday at 5:30, get dinner ready, feed my kids (ages 3 and 5), bathe them, read to them, and put them to bed by around 7:30 and he saunters in every night between 7:30-8:30 and then goes upstairs and wakes them up, gets them out of bed, has play time. I am not talking about going into their rooms and quietly talking and tucking them in (which would be ok). It gets loud, they get out of bed, run around, screaming. It makes me SO ANGRY and RESENTFUL.

He claims it is so he can "spend time" with them but I find it infuriating and disrespectful to me. How to handle this? Any advice?

Compromise. Push bedtime back so that he can see his kids. Ask him to do quiet things so the kids don't get all riled up.

My DH would do that when he was present. It would be bedtime and he would get the kids HYPER. So I just stopped assisting at that point. I would find something I needed at the store and completely leave the house. It didn't take long before he turned it WAY down.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids (7 and 10) with very early bedtimes (8:30 weekdays). My DD (10 year old), up until about 2 years ago, was in bed by 7:30 because she needed that much sleep. She would sometimes even put herself to bed! Bedtime any later makes both kids miserable the next day. Not all kids can handle late bedtimes.

OP, if your kids are like mine, and absolutely need that much sleep, I would be furious at DH as well. While you can't stop him from doing what he's doing, he takes over when he wakes them up, and if possible deals with them the next morning, as well.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, I can't believe so may people are jumping on OP here. It's completely unacceptable what her DH does. WTF?!

I have to wake up my 3 yo at 6:30 at the latest. He needs to be asleep at 8:30 or he is grumpy, weepy, and tantrum my. And that's with a 2 hot nap!! So if the OP's kids no longer nap, 7:30 is a perfectly reasonable bedtime.

oP's DH's behavior is immature and irresponsible.

I kind of suspect sockpuppeting on this thread, for a variety of reasons. Perhaps someone should ask Jeff.

Agreed. 7:30 is a totally normal bedtime, especially if the kids have to get up early.

[Anonymous]

Your marriage won't work if you both don't compromise . You are both being selfish.

[Anonymous]

After the first time that happened, I would have lost my shit. I don't know what your DH's work situation is, but 7:30 is a perfectly normal and healthy bedtime. They need sleep.

Your DH is being selfish and insane to wake them up. Completely. He needs to adjust his own schedule if he wants to see his kids--or talk with you like a grown up and figure out if there's any wiggle room in the situation.

But waking them up, when you've already had to manage the evening yourself? Damn. How about having a nice glass of wine with his wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it extremely odd that you're referring to the kids as "my kids" and not OUR kids.

+1.

You people are projecting nonsense. She's posting from her own POV, so saying "my" indicates literally nothing.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand why this is frustrating, but if you are going to solve the problem you need to talk to your husband. You can simply say that you want to talk about the family schedule and his expectations so that the two of you can problem solve and work it out together. It's honestly great that your husband wants to spend time with the kids, and it's hard when you are the one who leaves early and gets home late. Spending that time with your children who are so happy to see you is a great way to end a stressful day. It sounds to me like you and DH are living two different realities - and you are, and it happens, and that's okay - but you need to talk to each other to understand the other person's POV and come up with solutions that meets everyone's needs, emotional or otherwise. Just try to step back, take a deep breath, and see it from your husband's side. I'd be willing to be he is not actively trying to upset you or disregard your feelings. It's just that both of you are only seeing your own side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come home from work everyday at 5:30, get dinner ready, feed my kids (ages 3 and 5), bathe them, read to them, and put them to bed by around 7:30 and he saunters in every night between 7:30-8:30 and then goes upstairs and wakes them up, gets them out of bed, has play time. I am not talking about going into their rooms and quietly talking and tucking them in (which would be ok). It gets loud, they get out of bed, run around, screaming. It makes me SO ANGRY and RESENTFUL.

He claims it is so he can "spend time" with them but I find it infuriating and disrespectful to me. How to handle this? Any advice?

I agree that you have set your husband up for failure and yourself up for resentment.

Stop doing the bath and bedtime by 7:30 routine. Do the bath at 7:15 or 7:30, and when your husband comes home, he gets to take over wherever you are. He can finish bath, he can read them books and he can get them in bed and quieted down. Make the bedtime routine part of his daddy time.

My twins, now 5, have been on pretty much the same routine since they were 2. We start bedtime routine around 7:45-8:00. If it is after 8:00, no bath and they'll get a bath the next night. If before 8:00 they get a bath, book, brush their teeth and then in bed by 8:30. 8:30 is lights out. But they'll stay up in the dark until 9:00-9:30 keeping each other up. It's never hurt them and they are perfectly fine.

Exactly, OP is setting up a chore war resentment chest. It's not necessary and really, OP, if you had some perspective it would be helpful.

I am actually the person who does the evening routine, dinner, baths, etc. with my kids (2.5 and 4.5). We work split shifts (me: 7-4:30 and wife 9:30-7) so we can do drop offs at daycare. I usually keep the kids up for my wife (who has a 45 minute or so commute) and we usually do bedtime together. Yes, the kids go to bed at 8 or 8:30, but net-net that works for us because we configured our lives to include everyone in the family.

I also find it odd you refer to them as my kids. I want to know more about your deal. Are you home full time or working too? Do you guys do daycare? Is that why they need to be up early/go to bed early?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids (7 and 10) with very early bedtimes (8:30 weekdays). My DD (10 year old), up until about 2 years ago, was in bed by 7:30 because she needed that much sleep. She would sometimes even put herself to bed! Bedtime any later makes both kids miserable the next day. Not all kids can handle late bedtimes.

OP, if your kids are like mine, and absolutely need that much sleep, I would be furious at DH as well. While you can't stop him from doing what he's doing, he takes over when he wakes them up, and if possible deals with them the next morning, as well.

Good luck!

Your kids are in elementary school, OP's kids are in daycare where they can nap for 2 hours in the afternoon. When my kids were 5 and under and in daycare they didn't go to bed until 9 or 9:30 so DH and I could interact with them. I spoke with the daycare teacher about it once and she said she could usually tell the type of parent who insisted that their child shouldn't nap at daycare because they wanted their kid to go to sleep at 7:30pm. Those parents would get mad at her if the kids napped when nap time/quiet time is a licensening requirement. She commented that the parents who seemed to really like spending time with their kids kept them up later. Up until kindergarten my kids took long naps because they stayed up late. sounds like OP barely wants to deal with her kids. She wants them out of sight and DH to cater only to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, I can't believe so may people are jumping on OP here. It's completely unacceptable what her DH does. WTF?!

I have to wake up my 3 yo at 6:30 at the latest. He needs to be asleep at 8:30 or he is grumpy, weepy, and tantrum my. And that's with a 2 hot nap!! So if the OP's kids no longer nap, 7:30 is a perfectly reasonable bedtime.

oP's DH's behavior is immature and irresponsible.

I kind of suspect sockpuppeting on this thread, for a variety of reasons. Perhaps someone should ask Jeff.

Agreed. 7:30 is a totally normal bedtime, especially if the kids have to get up early.

7:30 sounds normal to me.