Infertility and my crumbling marriage
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Anonymous
| Have you considered a surrogate? Apparently a lot of military wives are now doing surrogacy. I gather it's not nearly as expensive as a lot of the fertility treatments. |
Anonymous
| I have no advice, but am sending love and good vibes your way. |
Anonymous
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Going back to your original post, OP, I wonder how much time you expect your DH to spend around your parents' family. Of course DH wants you to choose him over them; you should and must. Your marriage comes first.
I know it is hard to feel that now because your marriage is in a rocky place. But this is where the vows matter. You promised to love each other till death. That's going to include some shitty years. Right now, you're in the thick of grief and loss and hurt and confusion. This is not the time to divorce. This is the time to strap yourself in and ride on your vows for a while. You can say to yourself, I made a vow to be partners with this man, so I'm sticking around. I'm putting us first. We're going to be on the other side of this grief someday. I will feel love for him again, and in the ska time I'm going to DO love. I'm going to love him in actions. I'm going to love myself in actions. Maybe you retreat into that team he kept referring to for a while. Give your little family of 2 a break from your extended family. He is hurt and angry and grieving about your sister's refusal to help. It's a totally reasonable thing to say no to, but it's also reasonable for him to be very, very sad and angry and disappointed and generally unpleasant for a while. For both your sakes, limit being with them and focus on being with your DH. John Gottman's books have some practical ideas for rebuilding your friendship. And when you make some progress with that, YNAB is great for maki h a biludget as a couple. Maybe if you create some shared financial goals together, plus create a vacation goal or something to look forward to...? |
Anonymous
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OP i'm so sorry for what you are going through. Infertility is hell. ANY couple going through this would struggle, no matter how strong you are.
i would recommend you put the money worries on hold for now. you are both going through a lot, and frankly you need to cut yourselves some slack. i know its really tough because i kept thinking, well, we should save money if we want to have kids but if we can't have kids we might as well spend money and how am i supposed to plan my life when its all going so wrong??!! this will really drive you crazy. instead you have to live in the moment, and i think my husband was right about that in retrospect. if/when a child comes along somehow/someday, you guys will find a way to make it work financially then. for now, you can't put plans on hold indefinitely because of that uncertainty. you have to live your life in spite of the uncertainty. i get that he hasn't handled things well with your family, and that's very sad. but i wouldn't judge him too harshly on that given what you are both going through. but most of all, OP, you have to stop beating up yourself. when you say 'rotten eggs' i hear your pain of feeling inadequate somehow, or that you've let your husband and yourself down. it almost sounds to me like you are looking for excuses to leave him partly out of the shame that you carry around for not being able to have that child. you have to snap out of that, OP-you deserve love, you deserve a life partner and the family that you two will make together, whatever form it takes. you did nothing wrong, its not your fault. life throws all kinds of unfair shit at us and it doesn't make us any less worthy. its no more your fault than if you got cancer, and we have to live our days as if each one is precious because we never know what will happen to any of us. after we had our second loss, my husband booked a trip for us out west. then, later, he booked a trip for us to asia. i didn't really feel up to going on either one and was always dragging my feet but he really wanted it for us and i do think it helped heal me individually and us as a couple. now i realize how much he was devastated by watching me suffer and frankly would have probably sold an organ to try to get me out of my funk at that point. that is a guy who is worth hanging onto. obviously, i'm not sure if it applies to you, but regardless i wish you both strength and love. |
Anonymous
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I think your husband has some deep regrets about the years of ambivalence that led to his pursuit of marriage and commitment at such an advanced age. As others have implied, it would be difficult to divorcee and find another young wife who wants to have kids with a man in his mid 50's.
I think that people underestimate how emotionally complicated it is to donate ones eggs to a sibling. its too bad that he can't relate to the double bind this creates for your sister. I think at this point it's best to limp off the battlefield and recover, OP. |
Anonymous
Re: #5. Even if your sister would have done this for you, all you'd be saving would be ~$8-12k in donor fees, compared to the basic costs at Shady Grove or one of the other local infertility clinics. (Unless I'm missing something, like you need some really rare ethnicity, or you were only going for Ivy League donors or something like that which would require going to an expensive donor pool). You'd still have to pay out-of-pocket for the cycle and meds and everything. if having your sister donate was within reach financially, then donor eggs should also be doable, even if you have to wait another year or two to save up. most clinics will do donor egg up to maternal age 45 without really batting an eye (and older than that, with conditions), so you still have a couple of years to make that decision. I'm a similar age to you and have gone through numerous cycles, with no baby. Also now looking at donor egg. I completely understand the stress and mourning, but your husband's reaction seems out of control. Hopefully you can take some time and work it out (or decide to go it alone without him). Good luck! |
Anonymous
| Foster to adopt. It's probably your only option given your advanced age (particularly your husband). |
Anonymous
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Gosh.
OP you are definitely young enough to adopt, assuming there aren't other circumstances that prevent it. But your husband didn't settle down until after he was 50; did he really expect the opportunity for children was indefinite?! |
Anonymous
| OP here with an update. Today my husband had a sit-down with my parents so he could air his feelings. He feels that they wronged him by... failing to hug him more, or something. He says they've not communicated with him about this issue enough. When he wasn't yelling at them he was speaking in the most condescending tone I've ever heard. I haven't said a word to him since we left their house and I'm done. I'm so terribly sad that I'm going to be alone again - I waited until my late 30s to marry - but I can't imagine ever feeling warmth for him again after watching him treat my loving parents that way. I already feel lonely. |
Anonymous
OP, let me be honest with you: why, why, why would you bring your DH to your parents' house when you know he is hurting so much and has lashed out with them? I don't think either of you is thinking of acting rationally right now. This is not the time to divorce. You're seriously think I g of divorcing your devoted DH over his tone?!? Come ON. You guys need a LOT of time and space to heal and rebuild your friendship. You need a long, long break from your parents. You need to be your own family unit without them for a while. It really sounds like they are way too involved in your lives. |
Anonymous
| OP. I would be livid about how he treated your parents, too! So sorry. |
Anonymous
| He sounds terrible, between lashing out at your family and his baby obsession considering he got married at 49. Give me a break. He sounds like a loose cannon and would make a poor father. |
Anonymous
+1 I'm so sorry OP. It sounds like you'll be better off without him |
Anonymous
My parents are completely faultless. Also, my husband is known for having a raging temper. I didn't want to go over there but my parents insisted it would be healthier for him to have an opportunity to speak, and that we would never be able to move on as long as he had to "hold it in." They really took one for the team today. Did I mention my mother is fighting cancer? That's right. He shouted down a woman with cancer. For the second time in a week - he did it on the phone last Sunday. She totally held her own, but... cancer. |
Anonymous
He sounds horribly immature OP. And I'm sure that didn't just start with your infertility troubles somi don't hold out much hope that that will change. I hope you focus on your parents right now- you can do better than this guy! |