Infertility and my crumbling marriage

[Anonymous]

Divorce, OP. Cut the pity party. I'm 36 and divorced and I just don't WANT kids. I'm engaged to a wonderful, sexy guy 10 years younger than me who also doesn't want kids. Stop wallowing and acting like life is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce, OP. Cut the pity party. I'm 36 and divorced and I just don't WANT kids. I'm engaged to a wonderful, sexy guy 10 years younger than me who also doesn't want kids. Stop wallowing and acting like life is over.

This!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce him, op. Go the embryo adoption or foster adopt route on your own. Focus on your own loving family. I swear this is what I would do, I just happen to have gotten pregnant with my DH on our last IVF attempt. But I am telling you, I would choose having a child, however I can get one, over staying married to someone less than supportive. My infertility journey has made that infinitely clear to me now. Good luck!

Plus 1.
Signed,
Single adoptive mom

[Anonymous]

You may have just dodged a bullet...I had kids with a guy that turned out to be a huge douche.

If I could do it over, I'd rather die single and childless than the hell I've gone through the last 10 yrs of bad marriage and worse divorce.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a huge asshole. I agree you dodged a bullet! Who yells at his wife's mom??? With cancer???

Being alone is better than being with a jerk.

[Anonymous]

OP, he doesn't sound worthy of you.

Also, my guess is that your sister had issues with donating eggs to him, not to you. She probably just couldn't face the idea that her genetic child would have him as a dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds terrible, between lashing out at your family and his baby obsession considering he got married at 49. Give me a break. He sounds like a loose cannon and would make a poor father.

This.

I am so sorry for your infertility struggle. However, it's good you aren't parenting with this man.

You're young enough to adopt and you have a supportive family. If you want to be a mother you can do it - on your terms.

[Anonymous]

so let me get this straight.

your husband got married for the first time at 49? what happened before then? That is exceedingly rare.

your husband married someone younger when he was 49 and is devastated about not having kids-if it was so important why didn't he marry the previous 20 years? why now?

you BOTH have suffered losses (and your body) yet he chooses to lash out at YOUR family? he even YELLS at your mother with cancer--for no real reason?

you describe him as having a terrible temper

you can't afford the money for donor eggs, yet you're in your 40s and 50s--what about paying for retirement and college at the same time?

he is not emotionally supportive of you.

Infertility is horrendous and can shake the best marriages. It can also expose the fault lines that have been there all along. I believe in this case you are seeing what your husband is truly like under stress--and he is not showing himself to be someone you can look forward to parenting with.

Cut your losses. Separate and in time, decide whether you want to life a full, child-free life with someone else; adopt, adopt an embryo or try donor eggs on your own or any combination of the preceding. But your relationship sounds doomed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, he doesn't sound worthy of you.

Also, my guess is that your sister had issues with donating eggs to him, not to you. She probably just couldn't face the idea that her genetic child would have him as a dad.

+ a million to this!

[Anonymous]

This is not a relationship you should bring a child into.

[Anonymous]

To give you hope, OP, my sister just got married at 40 to a 45 year man (first marriages for both). She doesn't want kids and he was fine with that, saying that if he had really wanted them, he would've gotten married earlier than 45.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't you do donor eggs? If you already were able to afford having your sister as a donor then why wouldn't you be able to afford 10k more (maybe) for donor. Have you already tried ivf?

Have you done donor egg IVF? The most basic shared risk package at Shady Grove starts at 40k and its all out of pocket.

[Anonymous]

I thought the 3:1 Shared Risk was $29k

[Anonymous]

Can you do embryo adoption?

I was your husband. My husband had health issues that rew required us to do IVF/ICSI and we had a lot of losses -- chemical pregnancies, ectopic pregnancy, loss at 16 weeks. He was OK with it (likely because he had long ago accepted he may not have a bio child) but I wasn't. We struggled and he cheated and we are now divorced. He met someone with an infant and now they are raising that child together. I haven't decided what I want to do and my current SO has adult children so not interested in starting over with me. I am in therapy to help me sort through all that has happened.

I think your husband is working through the stages of grief and he won't be angry always. You two should work through this in counseling and I wish you much luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered a surrogate? Apparently a lot of military wives are now doing surrogacy. I gather it's not nearly as expensive as a lot of the fertility treatments.

Please hush, as you don't know what you are talking about here. A surrogate will still have to go through fertility treatments, how do you think that baby gets in their belly?