Infertility and my crumbling marriage
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Anonymous
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After 3 1/2 years and some terrible losses, my husband is finally realizing that he is probably never going to be a father and he's coming completely unhinged. He's turned against my entire family because my sister declined to donate her eggs to us. He says awful things to me about my (imperfect but wonderful and loving) parents and siblings. He's not someone who can conceal his feelings and go along to get along, so even if he manages to hold his tongue around them, his attitude is hurtful to them (though they are incredibly patient and understanding) and it's starting to damage my relationship with my family. He won't use these words, but I feel like he wants me to choose him over them. Every time we lost a baby he'd say, "It's okay if it's just you and me," but now he says that the thought of a life without children is devastatingly empty. He is grieving so deeply and is spreading his pain around. Of course, all of this kills any desire I have to be intimate with my husband, let alone keep trying to procreate with him. The stress of this emotional rift is rivaling the pain of all our previous losses and medical treatments. I want to have compassion for him but I can't go on like this. Is there any hope for us?
If you have dealt with infertility, especially if you didn't wind up with children, please share some experience and insight. (p.s., I'm not sure therapy will help him but we're trying it.) |
Anonymous
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I don't know much about infertility but how does your sister donating her eggs help you all out? If you can't carry the child to term, the eggs are worthless. That said, maybe you could revisit the situation with your sister when cooler heads prevail. Or hire a surrogate and use his sperm. Problem solved.
Because if he really wants a child and he really seems like he's in pain there are more ways to go about it than just the traditional one. |
Anonymous
| what are your ages? |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm so sorry. We also had infertility and terrible losses (the worst being loss of twins at 23 weeks). My husband always seemed to take things much less harder than I did and was prepared to be happily childless - he didn't want to go through more losses and nixed more efforts. I can't even imagine him saying terrible things about your parents and siblings. I think even if you are successful on your journey, now you know how he is when he is suffering a big disappointment or pain. Is that the person to raise kids with? I don't know. My husband and I had a very difficult time because he refused to try again after losing the babies. I blamed him for that and was angry for a long time. But i understood why he felt that way and no one said anything hurtful about anyone's family members! |
Anonymous
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Op, this is so sad on many levels and I'm very sorry you are going through this.
However, it sounds to me from what you wrote that you are really dealing with two separate issues here, although they may be getting jumbled up in the pain and misery of infertility that you are both experiencing. Have you and especially he tried counseling to sort all of this out? It sounds like he is projecting a lot of his (perfectly justifiable) grief and even anger onto your family. Maybe because he doesn't want to "blame" you, and they are a handy replacement? In any case, I hope that he can get some help in dealing with this. I get that this can be devastating on many levels, but there is life on the other side and if the two of you want to be parents, there are definitely options. |
Anonymous
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What do your parents and sister have to do with your infertility? Taking this out on them just seems a bit bizarre.
However, I do understand that he is grieving something that was very important to him. CBT might help him. |
Anonymous
| Adoption? Not saying it is easy but it is another option. I adopted. Best thing I ever did!! |
Anonymous
| It was very hard for us in a similar way. We took a break from trying for 6 months and that did help. Sometimes you just need to rest. I also planned us some outdoor trips (nothing strenuous just easy hikes) and that seemed to help him. I also started seeing my own therapist as a way to get some relief from someone other than him, and acupuncture for my overall health. So basically i just backed way off, gave him space. After 6 months things were a little better. Good luck, OP. |
Anonymous
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When a woman is emotionally devastated, she expects to share her feelings and "spread her pain around".
When a man is emotionally devastated, he is expected to shut up, keep a lid on his feelings, and not spread his pain around. Got it. |
Anonymous
How do you imagine this to be helpful to the OP? Lashing out is never a good response to emotional devastation, for men OR women. I hope that therapy will help the OP and her husband find a way forward. |
Anonymous
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OP here - to answer a few questions:
1. I can carry a baby, but my eggs are bad so I cannot conceive a healthy child. 2. I'm 41; he's mid-50s. Married 3 1/2 years. 3. We asked my sister to donate because she's much younger than me. She was uncomfortable with it but agreed because she wanted to help. Ultimately she couldn't go through with it. My husband can't understand her decision and also faults my parents for not "being supportive" of him or maybe not stepping in, or... I don't know what. He just hates everyone related to me now. 4. 10:56 - your point about him projecting his anger on them because it wouldn't be acceptable to blame me and my rotten eggs is a wise insight. 5. Adoption is very expensive and can take years. We're too old. Nobody is going to give us an infant. Donor eggs are also extremely expensive. We've already spent a tremendous amount of money on failed treatments that haven't worked. We are not wealthy people. |
Anonymous
I don't expect him to keep a lid on his feelings, but I do expect him to be an adult; to identify his feelings correctly and direct them appropriately and fairly. |
Anonymous
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How is the therapy going so far?
Maybe give him a break from your family for a little while. That might avoid further alienation. He can just be really busy. You might like the blog Don't Count Your Eggs. They ultimately did an embryo adoption after a long struggle. The writer is a therapist so she has some great insights. |
Anonymous
| How old is the sister? Maybe talk to someone she trusts so they can encourage her. |
Anonymous
| Can you try with purchased donor eggs? |