Infertility and my crumbling marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. Today my husband had a sit-down with my parents so he could air his feelings. He feels that they wronged him by... failing to hug him more, or something. He says they've not communicated with him about this issue enough. When he wasn't yelling at them he was speaking in the most condescending tone I've ever heard. I haven't said a word to him since we left their house and I'm done. I'm so terribly sad that I'm going to be alone again - I waited until my late 30s to marry - but I can't imagine ever feeling warmth for him again after watching him treat my loving parents that way. I already feel lonely.

OP, let me be honest with you: why, why, why would you bring your DH to your parents' house when you know he is hurting so much and has lashed out with them?

I don't think either of you is thinking of acting rationally right now. This is not the time to divorce. You're seriously think I g of divorcing your devoted DH over his tone?!? Come ON. You guys need a LOT of time and space to heal and rebuild your friendship. You need a long, long break from your parents. You need to be your own family unit without them for a while. It really sounds like they are way too involved in your lives.

My parents are completely faultless. Also, my husband is known for having a raging temper. I didn't want to go over there but my parents insisted it would be healthier for him to have an opportunity to speak, and that we would never be able to move on as long as he had to "hold it in." They really took one for the team today.

Did I mention my mother is fighting cancer? That's right. He shouted down a woman with cancer. For the second time in a week - he did it on the phone last Sunday. She totally held her own, but... cancer.

He sounds horribly immature OP. And I'm sure that didn't just start with your infertility troubles somi don't hold out much hope that that will change. I hope you focus on your parents right now- you can do better than this guy!

I am 41 years old and infertile. Nobody is going to be breaking down my door to carry me away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. Today my husband had a sit-down with my parents so he could air his feelings. He feels that they wronged him by... failing to hug him more, or something. He says they've not communicated with him about this issue enough. When he wasn't yelling at them he was speaking in the most condescending tone I've ever heard. I haven't said a word to him since we left their house and I'm done. I'm so terribly sad that I'm going to be alone again - I waited until my late 30s to marry - but I can't imagine ever feeling warmth for him again after watching him treat my loving parents that way. I already feel lonely.

OP, let me be honest with you: why, why, why would you bring your DH to your parents' house when you know he is hurting so much and has lashed out with them?

I don't think either of you is thinking of acting rationally right now. This is not the time to divorce. You're seriously think I g of divorcing your devoted DH over his tone?!? Come ON. You guys need a LOT of time and space to heal and rebuild your friendship. You need a long, long break from your parents. You need to be your own family unit without them for a while. It really sounds like they are way too involved in your lives.

My parents are completely faultless. Also, my husband is known for having a raging temper. I didn't want to go over there but my parents insisted it would be healthier for him to have an opportunity to speak, and that we would never be able to move on as long as he had to "hold it in." They really took one for the team today.

Did I mention my mother is fighting cancer? That's right. He shouted down a woman with cancer. For the second time in a week - he did it on the phone last Sunday. She totally held her own, but... cancer.

He sounds horribly immature OP. And I'm sure that didn't just start with your infertility troubles somi don't hold out much hope that that will change. I hope you focus on your parents right now- you can do better than this guy!

I am 41 years old and infertile. Nobody is going to be breaking down my door to carry me away.

I hear you, but do you want to spend your life with a man like this? Who can't control himself enough to not scream at his cancer stricken MIL? After pouting for weeks/months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. Today my husband had a sit-down with my parents so he could air his feelings. He feels that they wronged him by... failing to hug him more, or something. He says they've not communicated with him about this issue enough. When he wasn't yelling at them he was speaking in the most condescending tone I've ever heard. I haven't said a word to him since we left their house and I'm done. I'm so terribly sad that I'm going to be alone again - I waited until my late 30s to marry - but I can't imagine ever feeling warmth for him again after watching him treat my loving parents that way. I already feel lonely.

OP, let me be honest with you: why, why, why would you bring your DH to your parents' house when you know he is hurting so much and has lashed out with them?

I don't think either of you is thinking of acting rationally right now. This is not the time to divorce. You're seriously think I g of divorcing your devoted DH over his tone?!? Come ON. You guys need a LOT of time and space to heal and rebuild your friendship. You need a long, long break from your parents. You need to be your own family unit without them for a while. It really sounds like they are way too involved in your lives.

My parents are completely faultless. Also, my husband is known for having a raging temper. I didn't want to go over there but my parents insisted it would be healthier for him to have an opportunity to speak, and that we would never be able to move on as long as he had to "hold it in." They really took one for the team today.

Did I mention my mother is fighting cancer? That's right. He shouted down a woman with cancer. For the second time in a week - he did it on the phone last Sunday. She totally held her own, but... cancer.

He sounds horribly immature OP. And I'm sure that didn't just start with your infertility troubles somi don't hold out much hope that that will change. I hope you focus on your parents right now- you can do better than this guy!

I am 41 years old and infertile. Nobody is going to be breaking down my door to carry me away.

Not true. Most guys your age who are single either don't want kids or already have them from a previous marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to answer a few questions:

1. I can carry a baby, but my eggs are bad so I cannot conceive a healthy child.

2. I'm 41; he's mid-50s. Married 3 1/2 years.

3. We asked my sister to donate because she's much younger than me. She was uncomfortable with it but agreed because she wanted to help. Ultimately she couldn't go through with it. My husband can't understand her decision and also faults my parents for not "being supportive" of him or maybe not stepping in, or... I don't know what. He just hates everyone related to me now.

4. 10:56 - your point about him projecting his anger on them because it wouldn't be acceptable to blame me and my rotten eggs is a wise insight.

5. Adoption is very expensive and can take years. We're too old. Nobody is going to give us an infant. Donor eggs are also extremely expensive. We've already spent a tremendous amount of money on failed treatments that haven't worked. We are not wealthy people.

Re: #5. Even if your sister would have done this for you, all you'd be saving would be ~$8-12k in donor fees, compared to the basic costs at Shady Grove or one of the other local infertility clinics. (Unless I'm missing something, like you need some really rare ethnicity, or you were only going for Ivy League donors or something like that which would require going to an expensive donor pool). You'd still have to pay out-of-pocket for the cycle and meds and everything. if having your sister donate was within reach financially, then donor eggs should also be doable, even if you have to wait another year or two to save up. most clinics will do donor egg up to maternal age 45 without really batting an eye (and older than that, with conditions), so you still have a couple of years to make that decision.

I'm a similar age to you and have gone through numerous cycles, with no baby. Also now looking at donor egg. I completely understand the stress and mourning, but your husband's reaction seems out of control. Hopefully you can take some time and work it out (or decide to go it alone without him). Good luck!

I'm puzzled too. If donor eggs are so expensive for you right now, which is only $12k additional, how the heck are you guys going to afford raising a kid? Maybe ultimately divorce is a better option.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm so sorry. This must be a whirlwind of pain right now.

But hear me when I say, you do not have to be alone forever. Infertility doesn't define you and an intelligent, funny woman who's 42 without kids will be extraordinarily appealing for men (also probably divorced) who don't want (more) kids.

[Anonymous]

((Hug))

Grief makes people act in the worst way. You will get through this!

[Anonymous]

Last night I saw a very touching commercial for Principal Insurance (or investing) that dealt with this very subject. A young couple not able to conceive, adopting 2 or 3 children and thinking about financial planning as all families should do. I'm a natural cynic but turned to my wife and said that's one heck of an ad. I have many friends with adopted children and they are as loved as any other children. My niece wasn't able to conceive and she adopted two children at birth and they are as loved as my biological children are. Don't let your marriage crumble and stay away from those who don't give you 100% support.

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn't you do donor eggs? If you already were able to afford having your sister as a donor then why wouldn't you be able to afford 10k more (maybe) for donor. Have you already tried ivf?

[Anonymous]

We've already spent $30K on IVF that didn't work. The only way we're going to do donor eggs is with shared risk, which is about $40K.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry op, I wish I was younger, I'd donate my eggs to you.
I did it twice in my younger years and found it incredibly rewarding. Is there anyone else in your family you could ask?

[Anonymous]

Diviorce.

There are plenty of older men who would love a women in her forties without children. Many divorced men with children would absolutely adore you.

He's not going to get over it

[Anonymous]

Mid 50s guy here. You married a friggin weirdo. First of all , what kind of a doofus wants toddlers at 60 years old ! The thought of it makes me physically ill. He'll be 75 to 80 when they are in college. He waited too long to act like a 26 year old.

The whole not enough hugs or support from your parents? What a total pussy. Hugs from your 70 year old parents with cancer? The only time I even hug my in laws is at holidays and funerals .. I can only have so many intimate relationships and it sure as hell us by with my in laws .. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. Today my husband had a sit-down with my parents so he could air his feelings. He feels that they wronged him by... failing to hug him more, or something. He says they've not communicated with him about this issue enough. When he wasn't yelling at them he was speaking in the most condescending tone I've ever heard. I haven't said a word to him since we left their house and I'm done. I'm so terribly sad that I'm going to be alone again - I waited until my late 30s to marry - but I can't imagine ever feeling warmth for him again after watching him treat my loving parents that way. I already feel lonely.

OP, let me be honest with you: why, why, why would you bring your DH to your parents' house when you know he is hurting so much and has lashed out with them?

I don't think either of you is thinking of acting rationally right now. This is not the time to divorce. You're seriously think I g of divorcing your devoted DH over his tone?!? Come ON. You guys need a LOT of time and space to heal and rebuild your friendship. You need a long, long break from your parents. You need to be your own family unit without them for a while. It really sounds like they are way too involved in your lives.

My parents are completely faultless. Also, my husband is known for having a raging temper. I didn't want to go over there but my parents insisted it would be healthier for him to have an opportunity to speak, and that we would never be able to move on as long as he had to "hold it in." They really took one for the team today.

Did I mention my mother is fighting cancer? That's right. He shouted down a woman with cancer. For the second time in a week - he did it on the phone last Sunday. She totally held her own, but... cancer.

He sounds horribly immature OP. And I'm sure that didn't just start with your infertility troubles somi don't hold out much hope that that will change. I hope you focus on your parents right now- you can do better than this guy!

I am 41 years old and infertile. Nobody is going to be breaking down my door to carry me away.

BS . A divorced dude in his 40s or 59s with kids ... You are heaven. No separate kids to deal with and he can focus on his own children.

[Anonymous]

Divorce him, op. Go the embryo adoption or foster adopt route on your own. Focus on your own loving family. I swear this is what I would do, I just happen to have gotten pregnant with my DH on our last IVF attempt. But I am telling you, I would choose having a child, however I can get one, over staying married to someone less than supportive. My infertility journey has made that infinitely clear to me now. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

This is not a guy you want to raise a child with. Run. Seriously.