Infertility and my crumbling marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a woman is emotionally devastated, she expects to share her feelings and "spread her pain around".

When a man is emotionally devastated, he is expected to shut up, keep a lid on his feelings, and not spread his pain around.

Got it.

What? No one says this. There is no double standard. No one is entitled to "spread their pain around," regardless of whether they are male or female. Look at how we as a society treat widows and widowers. We expect them to have moved 6 months to a year later.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, OP.

The only thing I can suggest is backing off for a bit, as someone suggested, giving him space, and helping him find outlets for his grief.

He is grieving and this is difficult for him, too, while also of course difficult for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to answer a few questions:

1. I can carry a baby, but my eggs are bad so I cannot conceive a healthy child.

2. I'm 41; he's mid-50s. Married 3 1/2 years.

3. We asked my sister to donate because she's much younger than me. She was uncomfortable with it but agreed because she wanted to help. Ultimately she couldn't go through with it. My husband can't understand her decision and also faults my parents for not "being supportive" of him or maybe not stepping in, or... I don't know what. He just hates everyone related to me now.

4. 10:56 - your point about him projecting his anger on them because it wouldn't be acceptable to blame me and my rotten eggs is a wise insight.

5. Adoption is very expensive and can take years. We're too old. Nobody is going to give us an infant. Donor eggs are also extremely expensive. We've already spent a tremendous amount of money on failed treatments that haven't worked. We are not wealthy people.

re #5: f you have to choose one or the other, I'd go with purchased donor eggs. Do a shared risk program. It's expensive but more of a sure thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to answer a few questions:

1. I can carry a baby, but my eggs are bad so I cannot conceive a healthy child.

2. I'm 41; he's mid-50s. Married 3 1/2 years.

3. We asked my sister to donate because she's much younger than me. She was uncomfortable with it but agreed because she wanted to help. Ultimately she couldn't go through with it. My husband can't understand her decision and also faults my parents for not "being supportive" of him or maybe not stepping in, or... I don't know what. He just hates everyone related to me now.

4. 10:56 - your point about him projecting his anger on them because it wouldn't be acceptable to blame me and my rotten eggs is a wise insight.

5. Adoption is very expensive and can take years. We're too old. Nobody is going to give us an infant. Donor eggs are also extremely expensive. We've already spent a tremendous amount of money on failed treatments that haven't worked. We are not wealthy people.

Thanks for clarifying OP. You're pretty young IMO, I can't imagine an adoption agency wouldn't want a happily married couple with financial stability who could take on the children in need. Yes, I've heard infants have waiting lists but its not impossible. As for all-over infertility issues I'm sorry. It sounds painful but your husband lashing out isn't helping. Your sister giving you her eggs is a BIG deal. Honestly, I'd be more comfortable donating my eggs to a family I never saw again over my own siblings just because of the sheer level of awkwardness knowing I'm both the mother and aunt of a child that I would see very very frequently. It's a highly personal decision and he has no right to demand it of her.

[Anonymous]

OP I am 48 and my husband is 50 and we are about to go to the matching stage in the adoption process. We had one loss of a naturally conceived pregnancy and we did 9 rounds of IVF with both my eggs and donor eggs.

Yes, the process is expensive and it does take time but you will end up parents in the end if you persevere.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your pain and losses, OP. I hope that you can work through this, it's very difficult.

[Anonymous]

If your DH would be willing, embryo adoption might work out. It can be more affordable. And I disagree that you are too old to adopt. But most importantly, you and your DH need to find your footing again. I pretty much lost my mind when I was struggling with infertility, it is just so hard. He is going through a part of the process and will take as long as it takes. Maybe plan something different for the holidays this year if family time is too hard. We spent a post MC Christmas on a cheap vacation and it really helped to clear my head.

[Anonymous]

Just want to send my sympathy. DH and I had a lot of losses, all chromosomal (we ended up at IVF and having the embroys tested; all crazy bad).

I can't lie. It was tough. DH did not want to go through with that again.

Give yourself a little time to mourn, and then figure out what to do. We ended up (after 6 losses) having a child with no intervention at all, no chromosomal issues at all. I can't say what is going to happen with you and your DH.

Maybe go to a counselor for a little grief counseling? Your idea of the future has been changed, blown apart. If you can work through that together you'll be better off.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think the issue (today) is that our relationship is so damaged that I don't even want to have a baby with him anymore. I want to get back to a place of love, trust, respect and affection, and I'm not sure I can.

[Anonymous]

How long has he been like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think the issue (today) is that our relationship is so damaged that I don't even want to have a baby with him anymore. I want to get back to a place of love, trust, respect and affection, and I'm not sure I can.

I think you can. You both need some rest though. Winter is a time of recovering, resting, sleeping. Important things are happening while you rest. Light some candles and go to sleep early. He needs to work through it in his own time and in his own way. If you pray, pray for him to have peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is the sister? Maybe talk to someone she trusts so they can encourage her.

I don't think that's a good idea. Her sister already knows they want use her eggs and has probably already talked it through with her parents and friends. I don't think I would be able to donate my eggs to my sister and I've made the decision not to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the sister? Maybe talk to someone she trusts so they can encourage her.

I don't think that's a good idea. Her sister already knows they want use her eggs and has probably already talked it through with her parents and friends. I don't think I would be able to donate my eggs to my sister and I've made the decision not to have children.

OP here. My sister's mind is made up. I understand her feelings; I think if she was a bit a older/had more life experience she might have made a difference choice, but she is young and she feels how she feels. I had a right to ask but not to expect it.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is possible to come through the other side of this grief. It will take time though and its worth exploring the benefits of a childfree life. There are positives, believe it or not and once the loss associated with infertility lessens a bit, you will start to see it as a different path.

Also, as your husband is on the older side, he may not have really fully appreciated how taxing child rearing will be as an older person. I am thinking of some of my friends where she is 43 and he is in his mid 60's and he looks positively ground down by the experience. Perhaps he should spend more time looking after very young children as this might help him gain some perspective?

I am now 41 and DH is 44. Technically we could try again but we do wonder whether we are too old to be parents now, in terms of the exhaustion/demands etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a woman is emotionally devastated, she expects to share her feelings and "spread her pain around".

When a man is emotionally devastated, he is expected to shut up, keep a lid on his feelings, and not spread his pain around.

Got it.

I don't expect him to keep a lid on his feelings, but I do expect him to be an adult; to identify his feelings correctly and direct them appropriately and fairly.

Is he great in every other way? If you were with another man who was great (and had more money and was pro-adoption) would you want to adopt? Might your sister not like your husband or think he'd be a bad dad? (My sister dislikes my husband b/c she sees all the flaws that my love for him masked. She would never give us eggs, though she loves me very much).

Therapy for him for grief. I'm not religious, but I feel like some churches/nonprofits might offer grief counseling for free/less.

Big hugs to you both.