Infertility and my crumbling marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think the issue (today) is that our relationship is so damaged that I don't even want to have a baby with him anymore. I want to get back to a place of love, trust, respect and affection, and I'm not sure I can.

I don't mean to be overly negative, but objectively speaking, it might be best for you both to start over with other partners.

[Anonymous]

Check the resolve.org website for counseling resources. Infertility is really, really hard on marriages.

And in all honesty, I know it's not easy, but look into some of your other options. You are not too old for adoption, and while I know it's not the easiest path, I do know people who built their families that way. Same with donor eggs. I just wouldn't be so quick to rule it out, even if it means going with a donor other than your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a woman is emotionally devastated, she expects to share her feelings and "spread her pain around".

When a man is emotionally devastated, he is expected to shut up, keep a lid on his feelings, and not spread his pain around.

Got it.

I don't expect him to keep a lid on his feelings, but I do expect him to be an adult; to identify his feelings correctly and direct them appropriately and fairly.

Is he great in every other way? If you were with another man who was great (and had more money and was pro-adoption) would you want to adopt? Might your sister not like your husband or think he'd be a bad dad? (My sister dislikes my husband b/c she sees all the flaws that my love for him masked. She would never give us eggs, though she loves me very much).

Therapy for him for grief. I'm not religious, but I feel like some churches/nonprofits might offer grief counseling for free/less.

Big hugs to you both.

He is wonderful in some ways - honest, loyal, hard-working, pulls his weight around the house - but not in others - bad temper, selfish lover, self-righteous sometimes, a bit stuck-up. Of course, he thinks he's the nicest guy on earth. We also have disagreements about money. He's not really earning much right now, yet still wants to take nice vacations. We do use miles and hotel points whenever possible, but I would rather save. It's a sticking point for us. I think I'm feeling resentful that I'm not really able to save any of my (very modest) salary while he's going through a financial dry spell. I worry that having a child - even if we didn't have to spend $40K to do it - will squeeze us completely dry. I don't see how we can afford to raise a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think the issue (today) is that our relationship is so damaged that I don't even want to have a baby with him anymore. I want to get back to a place of love, trust, respect and affection, and I'm not sure I can.

I don't mean to be overly negative, but objectively speaking, it might be best for you both to start over with other partners.

Yikes. Not to be paranoid but cpuld he be trying to push you away so he can find a younger woman?

Also I totally agree that sometimes older parents have a hard time keeping up. My FIL had a baby when he was around 50...now he can't retire until she graduates college. Of course, some older parents have no issues but it's something for him to consider.

I would find a therapist that you can talk to on your own to discern what you want as a next step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think the issue (today) is that our relationship is so damaged that I don't even want to have a baby with him anymore. I want to get back to a place of love, trust, respect and affection, and I'm not sure I can.

I don't mean to be overly negative, but objectively speaking, it might be best for you both to start over with other partners.

Yikes. Not to be paranoid but cpuld he be trying to push you away so he can find a younger woman?

Also I totally agree that sometimes older parents have a hard time keeping up. My FIL had a baby when he was around 50...now he can't retire until she graduates college. Of course, some older parents have no issues but it's something for him to consider.

I would find a therapist that you can talk to on your own to discern what you want as a next step.

I have asked him if he wants to split up so he can seek his fortune elsewhere. He says he wants to have a baby with me, specifically. We have almost split a few times in the past year; he's the one who smooths things over and wants to preserve the marriage. He takes his vows very seriously.

[Anonymous]

He needs counseling or you both need couples counseling. He's grieving and it's not pretty. I'm sorry for your losses. Prayers for you and your DH.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is looking for an exit, but is too "nice" to go through with it. He's waiting for you to do it. Of course, you know him. What do you think?

Either way, you two should go to grief counseling for the losses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a woman is emotionally devastated, she expects to share her feelings and "spread her pain around".

When a man is emotionally devastated, he is expected to shut up, keep a lid on his feelings, and not spread his pain around.

Got it.

I don't expect him to keep a lid on his feelings, but I do expect him to be an adult; to identify his feelings correctly and direct them appropriately and fairly.

Is he great in every other way? If you were with another man who was great (and had more money and was pro-adoption) would you want to adopt? Might your sister not like your husband or think he'd be a bad dad? (My sister dislikes my husband b/c she sees all the flaws that my love for him masked. She would never give us eggs, though she loves me very much).

Therapy for him for grief. I'm not religious, but I feel like some churches/nonprofits might offer grief counseling for free/less.

Big hugs to you both.

He is wonderful in some ways - honest, loyal, hard-working, pulls his weight around the house - but not in others - bad temper, selfish lover, self-righteous sometimes, a bit stuck-up. Of course, he thinks he's the nicest guy on earth. We also have disagreements about money. He's not really earning much right now, yet still wants to take nice vacations. We do use miles and hotel points whenever possible, but I would rather save. It's a sticking point for us. I think I'm feeling resentful that I'm not really able to save any of my (very modest) salary while he's going through a financial dry spell. I worry that having a child - even if we didn't have to spend $40K to do it - will squeeze us completely dry. I don't see how we can afford to raise a kid.

Hi OP. Not exactly the same situation, but I know the stress that infertility can bring to a marriage.

We are a same sex couple and have one child (DW got pregnant via mini IVF after many rounds of AI and IUI). We are currently trying to have a second child after DW has suffered 3 losses in the past 18 months.

So I guess what seems like a red flag for me in this quoted post is the part about him not making a lot but still wanting to go on nice vacations, etc. We are by no stretch of the imagination a wealthy couple. I am a teacher and DW is a graphic designer. We make just a little over $130,000/year between the two of us. We have basically given up all unnecessary expenses - like nice vacations and shopping and whatever else - in order to focus solely on paying for IVF, immune treatments, supplements, and healthy, organic food. This is a decision that we made together though. And while we're pretty stretched, we are comfortable making these sacrifices as long as we don't go into debt or start missing bill payments. It sounds like, first of all, you need to reconnect with one another. You seem to have identified that already. Then, you need to get on the same page in terms of how much you are willing to do and spend to have a baby. That' the only way you'll find happiness together. You should agree on how far you're willing to go and where you'll be ok stopping if you're not successful. I'm really sorry for what you're going through - good luck.

[Anonymous]

Well, I have some sympathy for him. To finally face the possibility of no kids at the same time as a lack of earning power would be really hard for anyone, especially a man. Not saying his behavior is ok though!

It seems like you are not very meshed financially and need to work out those issues before your marriage will be in a good place. You can find a way to afford a child, but only by working as a tram!

[Anonymous]

A team, I mean. Trams don't get paid much.

[Anonymous]

He's in his mid 50s. That's too old.

[Anonymous]

He is in his mid 50s and doesn't sound wealthy. He must know there is a low chance of him divorcing and meeting a woman of child bearing age who wants to marry and have kids with him. I'm not trying to be harsh but statistically the odds are against him. I don't think that is his plan.

OP I am sorry you are going through this. My brother and SIL have had similar issues. I think you should stick together - he likely needs time to come to terms and heal. I wish you both peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is in his mid 50s and doesn't sound wealthy. He must know there is a low chance of him divorcing and meeting a woman of child bearing age who wants to marry and have kids with him. I'm not trying to be harsh but statistically the odds are against him. I don't think that is his plan.

Well...I don't think he's worried that he can't find another woman, he just doesn't want another woman. Which is completely different.

If you want to talk facts, its easy for men, even financially unstable ones, to find younger women to marry. Find someone who is from a broken home/area and promise her something more than she already has and there you go. Add to the fact that a man can have a child as long as his sperm is viable...and there are 90-year-old fathers out there, he's not actually at risk of never had a biological child in the same way a woman is who is over 40. (Whether he'd want to have a child in literally the last arc of his life is something else). However if you're nearing 50 as a woman you'd better have a significant nest egg for IVF and reproductive procedures and even then you're not likely to have that baby naturally.

[Anonymous]

Just had a few thoughts I would share, OP.

1. I am really, really sorry you are going through this right now.

2. You are not alone-infertility is a huge stressor and very hard on relationships. I have a friend who is in the process of divorcing now-he and his soon to be ex wife went through many years of infertility and it ultimately contributed to the end of their marriage. Both are good people and no one was to blame-infertility revealed cracks in their marriage and differences they had between them.

3. Before you spend any more money on fertility treatments, get some individual and marital counseling to see if you can salvage the marriage.

4. It's okay if you decide you are done with fertility treatments. I feel like there is so much pressure to try everything possible...you can stop and it doesn't mean that you "didn't try hard enough." Everyone has their limits.

5. If your marriage ends, you will be okay. If after counseling and making a concerted effort, things have not changed it's better to get out rather than continue to be miserable for years and years.

6. Your husband waited into his 50's to try to be a father. If this was a life long goal, I am surprised he didn't get married and try to start a family earlier. Maybe this is part of a midlife crisis....regretting earlier decisions and wanting to travel another road before it's too late. He has lived many adult years without a child and I would guess most of them have been happy years. Maybe he is panicking because he is getting older and realizing that time is limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is in his mid 50s and doesn't sound wealthy. He must know there is a low chance of him divorcing and meeting a woman of child bearing age who wants to marry and have kids with him. I'm not trying to be harsh but statistically the odds are against him. I don't think that is his plan.

Well...I don't think he's worried that he can't find another woman, he just doesn't want another woman. Which is completely different.

If you want to talk facts, its easy for men, even financially unstable ones, to find younger women to marry. Find someone who is from a broken home/area and promise her something more than she already has and there you go. Add to the fact that a man can have a child as long as his sperm is viable...and there are 90-year-old fathers out there, he's not actually at risk of never had a biological child in the same way a woman is who is over 40. (Whether he'd want to have a child in literally the last arc of his life is something else). However if you're nearing 50 as a woman you'd better have a significant nest egg for IVF and reproductive procedures and even then you're not likely to have that baby naturally.

You are basing this on anecdotes, not actual data. Statistically, the average age difference in marriage is 2.3 years. Statistically, there are a lot fewer couples with a 10 year age gap, and even fewer with a 25 year gap. And, if a man divorces at 55, meets someone within 2 years, dates a while and remarries, he is around 60 and would probably need to be with someone around 25 years give or take a few years to have a reasonable chance of having a child.

Now, I know Michael Douglas figured it out, but the average dude in the US is not experiencing this. It's not impossible, but it's not probable. Certainly not "easy" or common.