Infertility and my crumbling marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so let me get this straight.

your husband got married for the first time at 49? what happened before then? That is exceedingly rare.

your husband married someone younger when he was 49 and is devastated about not having kids-if it was so important why didn't he marry the previous 20 years? why now?

you BOTH have suffered losses (and your body) yet he chooses to lash out at YOUR family? he even YELLS at your mother with cancer--for no real reason?

you describe him as having a terrible temper

you can't afford the money for donor eggs, yet you're in your 40s and 50s--what about paying for retirement and college at the same time?

he is not emotionally supportive of you.

Infertility is horrendous and can shake the best marriages. It can also expose the fault lines that have been there all along. I believe in this case you are seeing what your husband is truly like under stress--and he is not showing himself to be someone you can look forward to parenting with.

Cut your losses. Separate and in time, decide whether you want to life a full, child-free life with someone else; adopt, adopt an embryo or try donor eggs on your own or any combination of the preceding. But your relationship sounds doomed.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. Today my husband had a sit-down with my parents so he could air his feelings. He feels that they wronged him by... failing to hug him more, or something. He says they've not communicated with him about this issue enough. When he wasn't yelling at them he was speaking in the most condescending tone I've ever heard. I haven't said a word to him since we left their house and I'm done. I'm so terribly sad that I'm going to be alone again - I waited until my late 30s to marry - but I can't imagine ever feeling warmth for him again after watching him treat my loving parents that way. I already feel lonely.

OP, let me be honest with you: why, why, why would you bring your DH to your parents' house when you know he is hurting so much and has lashed out with them?

I don't think either of you is thinking of acting rationally right now. This is not the time to divorce. You're seriously think I g of divorcing your devoted DH over his tone?!? Come ON. You guys need a LOT of time and space to heal and rebuild your friendship. You need a long, long break from your parents. You need to be your own family unit without them for a while. It really sounds like they are way too involved in your lives.

My parents are completely faultless. Also, my husband is known for having a raging temper. I didn't want to go over there but my parents insisted it would be healthier for him to have an opportunity to speak, and that we would never be able to move on as long as he had to "hold it in." They really took one for the team today.

Did I mention my mother is fighting cancer? That's right. He shouted down a woman with cancer. For the second time in a week - he did it on the phone last Sunday. She totally held her own, but... cancer.

He sounds horribly immature OP. And I'm sure that didn't just start with your infertility troubles somi don't hold out much hope that that will change. I hope you focus on your parents right now- you can do better than this guy!

I am 41 years old and infertile. Nobody is going to be breaking down my door to carry me away.

Bullsh**! You sound like a really good person, OP. Kind, understanding, sensible, mature, giving-- like your parents, it seems. As many PPs have said, there are good men out there who would feel lucky to have you. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

I was going to suggest a surrogate but you stated you can't afford donor eggs. your DH sounds like an ass. Get rid of him and cut your losses.

If he wanted kids so badly, what was he doing for the past 20 years???

[Anonymous]

I think my BIL is going to be your husband. He's my age (44), and says he wants to have kids, but is with a woman who has been very vocal about never wanting kids. He's also kind of selfish in a lot of ways.

My guess is that in a couple of years, he'll dump this woman and marry someone younger with the goal of having kids right away. He will be a jerk to his current girlfriend, and mean to his new wife if she doesn't produce. He has money, though, so I guess he'll be able to get a baby from whomever he chooses somehow.