What's going on here? Post affair conversation Analysis please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet he's still cheating. He probably had a plan all along: quietly cheat until your son heads off to college, and then blindside you with a divorce so he can shack up with his soulmate, the young divorcee. He's probably pissed that you caught him. Does your son know? Any chance your husband convinced you to not tell the son? I bet he still plans to bail once your kid goes to college. If kiddo is 18 when he bails, no child support! It's in his best financial interest to stick it out until the kid turns 18. Then, you sell the house and split the proceeds. No child support. Split college tuition 50-50. He'll suggest that he keeps his retirement and you keep yours. He will move in with his girlfriend, and his finances will be fine.

This is what I would worry about.

I can see this. The sick thing is H. took son to do things with H. and AP., like they went skiing, had movie nights, pizza nights, son watched her kids so they could go out. I thought husband and son were doing these things together just the two of them. I had no idea AP and her kids were involved. Son had AP's phone number in his phone and when the shit hit the fan, son starting texting my husband's AP. I felt really betrayed on every front. Son was asked not to text husbands AP after that week, and it hasn't happened again.

Omg, OP!

I hope you've spoken to a lawyer. Your husband is merely sticking it out until your kid turns 18 for financial reasons.

Here's what I would do:

1. Speak with a lawyer this week. Do not tell your husband or son (neither can be trusted).

2. Get your ducks in a row.

3. If you aren't already working FT with a salary that can support you, then get your resume in order.

Wow. Just wow. I'm so sorry. If it were me, I would be equally furious with my husband and teenager.

This is OP. Yes it was crappy. I work full time. Splitting everything would be fine, divorce is not the worst thing that could happen. It's not what I want. But I recognize the possibility. I hate throwing away our history as a family. I'll never have that again , and I value that.

You may value it (and I would, too), but your husband clearly doesn't.

You sound like you are having trouble dealing with reality. Based on what you've told us about your husband, he clearly doesn't care about you. So hoping that he will magically start treating you differently is pretty odd.

If you are committed to jumping through hoops in an effort to make him happy, then I think you already know what to do. If he criticizes you for not being happy, then be happy. Based on what you posted about him, it sounds like he's having fun with his girlfriend (skiing and doing fun stuff). Be that person. Let everything go. Don't blame him. Fill his calendar with fun and sex. See how that plays out.

To be clear: I wouldn't do any of what I just suggested above. I would recognize that he simply doesn't care about me, so I would strategically take steps to prepare for divorce. And I say that as a catholic who values marriage...but who also recognizes that you can't have a marriage when one party doesn't care about the other.

[Anonymous]

OP, given everything you've posted, I think the only way you can stay married to your husband is if you adjust your expectations dramatically. Do not expect him to be loving to you. Do not expect him to be remorseful about the affair, or to take your feelings about it into consideration. Do not expect him not to cheat again. Based on the behavior you've described, any other expectations are unrealistic and will only cause further unhappiness. If you want to accept those adjusted expectations and stay married to him, that is your prerogative and I'm not going to say boo about that, but this is where you are, and not amount of wishful thinking will make it otherwise. After 18 months of counseling, if it hasn't changed yet, it's not going to.

[Anonymous]

I hope you've spoken to a lawyer. Your husband is merely sticking it out until your kid turns 18 for financial reasons.

Here's what I would do:

1. Speak with a lawyer this week. Do not tell your husband or son (neither can be trusted).

2. Get your ducks in a row.

3. If you aren't already working FT with a salary that can support you, then get your resume in order.

Wow. Just wow. I'm so sorry. If it were me, I would be equally furious with my husband and teenager.

This is OP. Yes it was crappy. I work full time. Splitting everything would be fine, divorce is not the worst thing that could happen. It's not what I want. But I recognize the possibility. I hate throwing away our history as a family. I'll never have that again , and I value that.

You will always have that history. You need individual non-pastoral therapy. Him dragging your son into this is unforgivable. Your son is going to do this same crap 30 years from now - you have given him the ok by staying.

Your DH is absolutely going to divorce you when it costs him less. Wow.


This, OP. Don't let him do this to you. Gather up the remnants of your self-respect, leave, and rebuild. You can do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, given everything you've posted, I think the only way you can stay married to your husband is if you adjust your expectations dramatically. Do not expect him to be loving to you. Do not expect him to be remorseful about the affair, or to take your feelings about it into consideration. Do not expect him not to cheat again. Based on the behavior you've described, any other expectations are unrealistic and will only cause further unhappiness. If you want to accept those adjusted expectations and stay married to him, that is your prerogative and I'm not going to say boo about that, but this is where you are, and not amount of wishful thinking will make it otherwise. After 18 months of counseling, if it hasn't changed yet, it's not going to.

+ a million

One addition: be prepared for divorce papers when your kid turns 18.

[Anonymous]

Take control of the divorce. Hire a shark, and push for child support AND an agreement that your husband is financially responsible for college, etc. I suspect your husband has a better retirement best egg than you do, correct? A good lawyer might be able to make your husvand's life miserable enough that he will agree to almost anything just to get it over with.

Otherwise, wait until he serves you with papers and you end up getting screwed. I'm confident your husband already has his financial plans in order.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are being gaslighted. You deserve better than this asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, given everything you've posted, I think the only way you can stay married to your husband is if you adjust your expectations dramatically. Do not expect him to be loving to you. Do not expect him to be remorseful about the affair, or to take your feelings about it into consideration. Do not expect him not to cheat again. Based on the behavior you've described, any other expectations are unrealistic and will only cause further unhappiness. If you want to accept those adjusted expectations and stay married to him, that is your prerogative and I'm not going to say boo about that, but this is where you are, and not amount of wishful thinking will make it otherwise. After 18 months of counseling, if it hasn't changed yet, it's not going to.

+ a million

One addition: be prepared for divorce papers when your kid turns 18.

This is OP. You're probably right. I don't feel like I'm working with someone who has any desire to fix things, and on top of that, it hurts that he keeps turning it around trying to make it look like I'm the problem (I'm just too unforgiving, too defective, too whatever the flavor of the month is). It's making me very very very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, given everything you've posted, I think the only way you can stay married to your husband is if you adjust your expectations dramatically. Do not expect him to be loving to you. Do not expect him to be remorseful about the affair, or to take your feelings about it into consideration. Do not expect him not to cheat again. Based on the behavior you've described, any other expectations are unrealistic and will only cause further unhappiness. If you want to accept those adjusted expectations and stay married to him, that is your prerogative and I'm not going to say boo about that, but this is where you are, and not amount of wishful thinking will make it otherwise. After 18 months of counseling, if it hasn't changed yet, it's not going to.

+ a million

One addition: be prepared for divorce papers when your kid turns 18.

This is OP. You're probably right. I don't feel like I'm working with someone who has any desire to fix things, and on top of that, it hurts that he keeps turning it around trying to make it look like I'm the problem (I'm just too unforgiving, too defective, too whatever the flavor of the month is). It's making me very very very sad.

I understand, OP. But you have two choices: continue to play the victim, or proactively take charge.

I would quietly see a lawyer and begin focusing on myself. I would be happy--for myself. I'd focus on my career, start working out, get a new haircut, new clothes, etc. I would research where I want to move. I'd think about what kind of life I want.

Both your husband and son basically demonstrated that they don't care about you. So, why care about them? Time to focus on yourself.

[Anonymous]

You will always have your history, but the future is up for grabs. I'd grab something better than this. And shame on him for putting your kid in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are being gaslighted. You deserve better than this asshole.

+1000. Have you read this chump lady blog? Please do so. Now.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP. You're surrounded by people who really suck.

[Anonymous]

I would hire shark to get largest financial settlement possible. Kick husband and son out of house. Let them go live with AP where she gets to wait on them both. Your son enabled his dad to do this to you---which means that son lacks respect for his mother in same way.

Your relationship with husband is over. your relationship with son is probably only 50 percent salvageable-- but he has to learn to see mom as loving-- but also a force to be reckoned with. Were I you-- I'd want to understand what feelings and dynamics led son to betray you this way.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I'm sorry that you have been so utterly betrayed by the man that you loved, the father of your child, the person who you shared the last 15+ years with. It must feel terrible that he used your son like that. You are a strong and brave woman who tried to save your family despite the fact that he was actively undermining you at every turn. I'm sorry that he has refused to hold himself accountable and has turned it around instead as a way to continue to denigrate you. I can't imagine how frustrated and sad you must feel.

You are still a strong and brave woman. Don't let him take another day of your memories from you. Don't let him dictate your relationship with your son or with the truth for another day. Don't give him the satisfaction of hoodwinking either of you for another minute, because he is telling you and skywriting that he is not capable, not willing to change.

Tell your son what really happened and who his father really is so you can begin to rebuild a mother-child relationship founded on trust and faith. Show your son who you really are - a strong confident woman who gave her husband a chance to redeem himself but who no longer has any patience for a man who has no respect for their family.

You have a job, you have a son who needs to see a parent with a backbone, and you have some self-respect that needs to be rescued. Go to a hotel, get a room for the night and mourn the loss of everything you know is gone. Then come back tomorrow, tell your husband they have coffee and newspapers at the hotel, hand him the key to the room and tell him where he can shove it. Trust and believe, it will be very emotional when you see him finally walk out that door, and the emotion that you will be flooded with is relief.

I'm sorry he did this to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will always have your history, but the future is up for grabs. I'd grab something better than this.

NP. This brought tears to my eyes.

[Anonymous]

In my own dysfunctional family experience, I've found children tend to emulate the stronger parent. Your son is learning terrible things from your husband--how to deceive and disrespect one's spouse and mother!--you need to reclaim power so they both respect you and so that your son still has the chance to learn better before it's too late to know how to have healthy adult relationships when the time comes.