What's going on here? Post affair conversation Analysis please.

[Anonymous]

The fact that he had your son fully engaged in a personal relationship with his mistress and helping his father hide it from you, and even communicating to her what was going on when you discovered it, is a complete and total game changer. You should be more worried about your son than your relationship with your husband at this point (even if it was something to save, though it sounds like it isn't). Your son is hurt by this in ways he doesn't recognize now. He has hurt you in ways that are surely painful to him, even if he doesn't articulate it. He should be your focus and it should happen without your husband around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will always have your history, but the future is up for grabs. I'd grab something better than this.

NP. This brought tears to my eyes.

Agree. This is what you need to focus on, OP. Don't get sad - get angry and get smart. Don't let your son see you being treated like a doormat. You can do better than this jerkoff. He's ruined things, not you. Show your son what a woman who respects herself looks like.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like a jerk to me, and he has apparently learned it's okay to treat you like shit and blame you for not liking it. I'm guessing you are staying with him because you are scared to go and maybe you rely on him financially. Will you look back in 30 years in regret that you didn't take control of your destiny now? Doing that would be the strong and brave thing to do. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I divorced my ex so that my DS would know that he should never let a woman emotionally abuse him like his mother did to me .

He sees how happy I am now and that she is still miserable.

He and I are closer than ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My H. had an affair. We're trying to work things out with pastoral counseling.

Please help me handle these situations better.

-me - I wake up. It's 5:30 in the morning. H. is gone from bed. Car is gone. I tell him: I know you like to get coffee out and the paper, but it causes me some distress because that was your MO to be on the phone with AP every morning. I just want reassurance that you understand this is a trigger, but I really don't need you to change. It's not getting coffee, I still feel insecure.

-H. I do plenty to show you I care. What does reassurance mean? I'm not into any pity party stuff. I get over things by being happy. You're just not a happy person.

- me - I'd like a little sympathy and compassion for what I went through. I'm feeling very alone and lonely and unsupported.

- H. - what is sympathy? How am I supposed to be compassionate? I just don't operate like you do in pity party mode. I try to focus on happy things.

This exchange circles back, nothing gets solved, I end up more hurt. What's the deal here?

The deal is your husband gives no fucks. He cheated, he's over it, and, he wants you to be over it, too.

[Anonymous]

NP. I agree that your marriage is over, OP, and your husband has been over it for a long time. He does not care about you. He's never going to validate or empathize, because he just does not care. Everything you've described makes that crystal clear. You can't make someone care. And you deserve better, you know that?

You gave it every chance. You're having trouble accepting it's over. And what makes it tougher is that he strings you along and pretends he's working on it, but he's just going through the motions. As people say, he may have a plan to leave at some point. He'll always blame you for everything, no matter what you do.

So what should you be focusing on instead of trying to bail out this sinking ship of a marriage? You should get individual counseling for yourself, and for your son. Focus on healing yourself and getting strength to deal with what's to come. Focus on helping your son get through this in healthy way.

He involved your son in his deceptions, teaching your son it's fine to disrespect, betray, and lie to you, putting another woman ahead of you. You're the most important woman in your son's life. If you accept this treatment of you, you have a hand in teaching your son it's okay, and it will negatively affect how he acts towards women in his future.

Your son should be seeing a therapist, because he must be full of anger and confusion. He doesn't know better and needs someone with sense and integrity to help him sort things out so that he doesn't repeat this same thing in his life.

And don't be the martyr to your son. Be the strong woman who calmly defines to him what is acceptable and ethical treatment towards those you love, and move forward. Dad has issues and Dad made mistakes, and Dad doesn't love Mom anymore. Son is not to blame for anything. Separate, be positive, and take no more crap.

[Anonymous]

My husband had an affair, we eventually, after separating and two years of counseling, worked it out and stayed together. But this is seriously the most f-ed up situation I have ever heard and you should separate for the sake of your son, screw pastoral counseling - get a counselor who can be objective and not side with your husband like I'm betting this one is doing. In most church-based counseling it is the woman's fault like a PP said.

[Anonymous]

Goodness, OP, that is a lot. I'm really sorry.

Do you even like or love your husband anymore? And not in the way you love a family member even though the family member is a jerk. It sounds like you long for the family you thought you had, but that seems like it's gone (if it ever really existed). Your husband obviously doesn't care about the pain and damage he has inflicted on you and your son (because involving your son is truly horrible parenting even if the son seems not terribly upset by it). Does he say why he is still in the marriage? If I was you, I would gather my strength and leave with integrity and self-respect. I would then try to work on my relationship with my son independent of his relationship with your husband. But there doesn't seem to be any love in this family coming from anyone but you right now. You deserve peace.

I would also be tempted, the next time he says you are just having a pity party and are unhappy, that there is a clear reason for your unhappiness and he is it.

[Anonymous]

your DH sounds like a complete dick. And i contender that pastoral counseling is going to put post of the blame on you. Sorry but I grew up around enough southern baptist to know this routine. YOU failed to satisfy your man and you are to blame. The fact that your husband is such an asshole when you share your feelings means he is still cheating. Maybe not physcially but you can sure bet your DH is still in contact. Please tell me you have a job and can support yourself. This is not going to end well. You may stay together but your will miserable. Please see a real counselor too.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband sounds like a jerk and I think you need professional (not pastoral) counseling if you two have a hope of making it. This situation is beyond the expertise of a minister.

If your DH only wants to look at "happy" things and have happy thoughts, he is not much of an adult. I would honestly start planning for divorce and get what you need ready to support yourself. It is awful what he has done with your son and your son is learning this is "normal." Hugs to you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you don't want him to go but you also don't want to admit it.

This tends to be a problem with pastoral counseling for affairs when it's the husband who had an affair. There is still a deep sexist streak in faith-based counseling that puts a large burden on the wife to be accepting and accommodating of her husband's failures, and to nurture him through the process without asking anything of him. Because ultimately it was her failures that led to the divorce, you know.

This. Get a non-church oriented counselor. It will hold both parties appropriately responsible.

[Anonymous]

Just read the other replies and if he was already treating your son as part of his "other" family, then you need to get out now and get a good lawyer. Don't tell DH your plan, just meet with a good divorce lawyer and see what they say. You deserve more than this creep OP--the way he arranged things, he's not planning for you to have a family anymore in the near future anyway. You will at least have a chance if you get away from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he had your son fully engaged in a personal relationship with his mistress and helping his father hide it from you, and even communicating to her what was going on when you discovered it, is a complete and total game changer. You should be more worried about your son than your relationship with your husband at this point (even if it was something to save, though it sounds like it isn't). Your son is hurt by this in ways he doesn't recognize now. He has hurt you in ways that are surely painful to him, even if he doesn't articulate it. He should be your focus and it should happen without your husband around.

Exactly this, OP. I have boys, one of whom is a teenager. I can't imagine how awful and betrayed you must have felt by your son. Fuck your husband, you need to rebuild your relationship with your son before he turns into the giant asshole your husband is. (Sorry for the swearing, but this actually really makes me mad/sad).

Go find a good lawyer and start putting together your exit plan. Blindside your douche husband with divorce papers.

Go find a very good therapist for your son, and yourself. Get your relationship back on track, and let him see the mother and woman we know you can be.

Good Luck. Let us know if we can help....recommendations, etc.

You deserve much more than what you are getting now, and a year from now, it will be much better. Believe us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A teenager is not responsible for figuring out that his father is a bat shit crazy and tell his mom. Those that say shame on the teen are clueless.

Bingo!

Something has been wrong in this family for a long time, and I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm willing to bet it's not all the husband's fault.
A teenage boy wouldn't just go along with this for no reason at all.

I'm sorry OP is hurting, but she needs to stop the whoa to me navel gazing and playing the victim. She's got bigger issues than an affair, and possible divorce to work on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and I don't understand what you want from him! Do you want him to stay home, or call you while he's out? You need to be more specific.

She doesn't want either.

She is sharing her feelings... He doesn't need to do anything, maybe hug her.

It's no different than... My mom has cancer, I am sad today. He can't fix, he doesn't need to do anything, but she should be able to share how she feels.

I simple... I'm sorry you are sad today.

This is OP - this is exactly what I'd like. I don't care that he gets coffee. I want him to care that it triggers anxiety once in a while. I want him to reassure me that the affair is over and that I'm important to him. That's all. I've told him that, the exact words. He can't say them without condemning me in some backhanded way. He'll open with (paraphrasing) since you're so (defective or insert other criticism) I'll try again to tell you I was wrong for having an affair. But what I really want to hear is that he cares about how hurt I am. I tell him exactly that, but it gets turned around all the time. I don't understand what is going on. It seems to me like I'm clear.

What's going on is that your DH is an a-hole. No amount of counseling will change that. Your marriage will never be that safe, secure space you are hoping for. That's very, very apparent.