What's going on here? Post affair conversation Analysis please.

[Anonymous]

My H. had an affair. We're trying to work things out with pastoral counseling.

Please help me handle these situations better.

-me - I wake up. It's 5:30 in the morning. H. is gone from bed. Car is gone. I tell him: I know you like to get coffee out and the paper, but it causes me some distress because that was your MO to be on the phone with AP every morning. I just want reassurance that you understand this is a trigger, but I really don't need you to change. It's not getting coffee, I still feel insecure.

-H. I do plenty to show you I care. What does reassurance mean? I'm not into any pity party stuff. I get over things by being happy. You're just not a happy person.

- me - I'd like a little sympathy and compassion for what I went through. I'm feeling very alone and lonely and unsupported.

- H. - what is sympathy? How am I supposed to be compassionate? I just don't operate like you do in pity party mode. I try to focus on happy things.

This exchange circles back, nothing gets solved, I end up more hurt. What's the deal here?

[Anonymous]

What specifically are you looking for, since you say you don't want him to stop?

Waking you up at 530 to tell you he is going for coffee and a paper, but not calling his former AP?

Tell him what you want him to do.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't seem like he's taking responsibility. Nor is he accepting blame for the pain he caused. Doesn't mean he's still cheating, but definitely seems like he's not ready to confront the consequences of what he did.

[Anonymous]

Tour H is a man child. He does not know how to have a conversation without being defensive, placing blame and calling you names.

Tell the counselor about the conversation.

It should have gone like this

You: ..... Getting coffee is a trigger....

Him: I'm sorry that is a trigger.

Period, end of conversation.

[Anonymous]

Does he take any responsibility for his actions?
Sounds like he is trying to blame you for not getting over it/not being happy.
The classic "I already told you I'm sorry so if you can't get over it, that's your problem".
Take this to your counselor, your dh needs to realize that he has to actively earn your forgiveness and actions speak louder than words.

[Anonymous]

I think you are both in the wrong here.
Your husband doesn't sound like he is at the point of admitting fault and acknowledging your hurt.

At the same time you seem to be of the mind of he is going to pay for ever which won't work if you are going to stay married.

Husband needs to be able to acknowledge how is actions impacted you, but you also need to be able to list specific things that trigger you and ask for those behaviors to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What specifically are you looking for, since you say you don't want him to stop?

Waking you up at 530 to tell you he is going for coffee and a paper, but not calling his former AP?

Tell him what you want him to do.

This.
While your husbands words with you are lacking it doesn't sound like you want to find a way to work past this it sounds like you want to have a list of endless triggers and will never really attempt to move on. Get a counselor for yourself and as a couple and get serious about wither leaving him or saving your marriage. The passive aggressive shit from both of you won't get you anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Buy a coffee pot and get the paper delivered.

[Anonymous]

Was it a physical affair or emotional? It sounds emotional in which case he isn't going to get it and is going to continually accuse you of making too big a deal when it wasn't a "real" affair.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you don't want him to go but you also don't want to admit it.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and I don't understand what you want from him! Do you want him to stay home, or call you while he's out? You need to be more specific.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, the "you are not a happy person" response is a really shit move by your DH. Not ok at all to blame you in that way.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, just get a divorce. Your husband has zero respect for you and isn't going to chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy a coffee pot and get the paper delivered.

This was pretty much the first question that popped into my head. He may prefer his established routine of going out each morning for coffee and the paper, but given that it was also part of his affair and is still upsetting/anxiety-provoking to you, I'm baffled as to why he, on his own, is not offering to do this. It sounds like you're being put in the position of having to atone for being upset about his affair rather than him having to atone for having the affair. What does your minister/counselor say about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and I don't understand what you want from him! Do you want him to stay home, or call you while he's out? You need to be more specific.

She doesn't want either.

She is sharing her feelings... He doesn't need to do anything, maybe hug her.

It's no different than... My mom has cancer, I am sad today. He can't fix, he doesn't need to do anything, but she should be able to share how she feels.

I simple... I'm sorry you are sad today.